It's been a long life

[Blue Elephant]

Hi,
I'm new here and don't know much about this site, but I'm currently reading 'stop walking on eggshells', a discovery that is really helping and it brought me here. My mother was finally diagnosed by a psychologist with BPD about 3 years ago, though I suspected it ever since my first semester of university as a psych student. I spent what feels like my entire childhood trying to understand her and figure out what was really wrong. It was a big mystery trying to get a proper answer, but I could tell that something was deeply not right about her behaviour. We got this diagnosis after she went to the hospital with a second suicide (threat/attempt) situation within a month that she hadn't even mentioned to me at the time.

She was diagnosed with a chronic digestive disorder that changed her life permanently in her early 20s and at first my best guess was that this illness was going to keep causing her problems and sending her to the hospital. Then I got older and started to understand that although she does have this problem, she doesn't eat enough and I would often wonder (along with other people who knew her well) if she would be considered anorexic. She was basically the same height as me (5'4/5'5) and hovering between 90-105 pounds and would never eat with me as a kid. She's been on disability since I was born and I figured it had something to do with the physical illness.

Then she was also always in and out of hospitals with nothing seemingly wrong with her, but always complaining about pain. It wasn't until we were on a trip visiting my family in another country and a doctor there told me my mom had dependency issues with narcotic medication (prescribed to her) and that it's a common issue they see from western countries. I figured it had something to do with her surgeries all those  I was in my teens by that time and her medication had been causing problems for years as well. It didn't make sense why an otherwise healthy adult would need so many pills and still not be "cured" or even in some kind of recovery, getting her life back on track.

The next thing was discovering that she had accumulated a ton of credit card debt that she would never be able to pay off since it was almost a year's worth of her disability money. My grandmother helped her fix that situation, but it was heartbreaking seeing how exhausting the cycle was for her to go through these things repeatedly for more than 30 years. I tried to decide then and there that I wouldn't fall into the role of an enabler or allow myself to be manipulated to this degree by her obvious methods. It's very likely that my grandmother also had symptoms of BPD as well based on my experiences with her and stories from other relatives, but she wasn't the one in and out of hospitals for her behaviour.

Anyway, all of this to say that I'm now at the end of my rope with my mother because I am fully aware that I can't influence her behaviour or force her into treatment, but it's starting to really negatively impact my life and I can't go on this way. I'm her only child and there are no living relatives close enough or in contact with us to help me at all. We've been living together the last few years since my grandmother's death because she had nowhere to go, but now I have a long-term relationship and we would like our own place as I'm almost 30. My mother has been in and out of hospitals 4 times in the last month (always with pain complaints that at this point are getting old) and I might seem heartless to people who don't get it, but I refuse to play the game and keep taking her back and forth. She had been taking taxis until yesterday when she left in an ambulance and I don't even know what hospital they took her to. I'm too exhausted from these past few weeks to worry about it honestly.

If anyone reads this, thank you. I'm just so tired and trying really hard not to break or lose my own happy and healthy relationship as a result of her illness or spend the rest of my life with guilt if my relationship with my mother gets ruined during this transition. It's a struggle to learn how to prioritize myself and let go of the negative emotions, but I'm learning nonetheless and this new book is helping me so much. I've already cried several times while reading about so many things that made me feel less crazy and alone, but also at the difficult road ahead of trying to take my life back. It's amazing what a relief it is to find the right resources and community. My hope is that everyone finds the peace they deserve and that we get much better with time at understanding mental health problems and providing even better resources and support. Thanks again if you've read my story and take care.

[EyesUp]

Hello and welcome.

I'm also new here, and finding strength in the community - others will certainly respond, but I wanted to say that you're reading the right book and will find additional resources and help here.

You are not alone.

[formflier]

I'm so glad that you have found us and also that you are reading SWOE.  How far along in the book have you gotten?

Did you have a "lightbulb" moment while reading the book?  I'd like to hear about them when you have time.

  Thanks again if you've read my story and take care.

I want to assure you that you have found a place full of people that "get it".  We can help you sort out a plan to get you to a place where you can live your life.

  I want to live my life, not hers.

Really like your quote from another thread.

Can you clarify how she came to live with you?  Any agreements made when that happened?  How long was it supposed to last?

How do you think the "move out plan" is going to work, if you had to design it today?

Best,

FF

[Blue Elephant]

I'm also new here, and finding strength in the community - others will certainly respond, but I wanted to say that you're reading the right book and will find additional resources and help here.

Thank you! Very glad to not be alone anymore

[Blue Elephant]

I'm so glad that you have found us and also that you are reading SWOE.  How far along in the book have you gotten?
Did you have a "lightbulb" moment while reading the book?  I'd like to hear about them when you have time.

I want to assure you that you have found a place full of people that "get it".  We can help you sort out a plan to get you to a place where you can live your life.

Can you clarify how she came to live with you?  Any agreements made when that happened?  How long was it supposed to last?

How do you think the "move out plan" is going to work, if you had to design it today?

I'm still not sure how this works or if I'm doing this right yet, but thank you for responding!
So far, I'm about halfway through the book and really loving the reassurance. I've been knowing for years that I wasn't inventing things, but without any outside validation, it's hard to believe yourself after a while. I've also been having plenty of lightbulb moments.
Ex. I've been learning some of my specific triggers as an adult over the past few years (especially since living with my mom again), but reading this book is helping me understand where they might have come from in the first place so I know what direction to take to work on overcoming them.

It's also been reassuring to know that although there's still a lot of work for me to do, I'm not on the wrong track. It was another nice realization because I've been going through this wild life blind the whole time with only my degree in Psychology and the knowledge that I can't make her go to treatment basically.

We moved in together just over 3 years ago and it was before the official diagnosis came. She had been living with her own mother who had dementia at the time and when she moved into assisted living and passed away, my mom had to find a place to live (since she wasn't on a lease anywhere). She's on disability, not much income and we were living 2 hours away from each other at this time. Knowing my mom's history, I didn't want to be in a position where she would be entirely isolated (she only has 1 friend at the moment) so I brought her to where I was living with the intention of eventually buying a home and making her a secondary suite where she could live.

We didn't discuss very much in depth, but my intention was to keep her close by but separate and try and give her some kind of independence one day in a space where if something drastic happened, very few people would be impacted. Now with my partner in the picture, I don't want him to get trapped on the roller coaster too for longer than necessary, but he was okay with the original plan I had and we've been considering duplexes or converting a home. The issue is that, recently her manipulation escalated to a level I haven't seen in a long time and I don't think it's fair to either of us to keep her so close and run the risk of being sucked in by the games.

She often wishes she could check herself into a psych ward and stay there, which personally I think would be a great move since she would have support all the time and wouldn't be at risk of harming herself like when she's alone in an apartment. The problem is that with the BPD mood swings and a lack of clarity, she changes her mind frequently and makes terrible decisions without thinking about the consequences. Right now I have no idea where she will live when we need to move, but our landlord is repossessing our apartment and time is running out so the change needs to happen whether or not we're ready. This is where I'm currently stuck at the moment and trying to find solutions.

Thanks again for your reply!

[Notwendy]

I might seem heartless to people who don't get it,


I suspect the people in my BPD mother's circle feel that way about her children, but they don't know the whole picture, they only know my mother's side of things. I decided to not try to correct what she says. There is no way doing that would make things any better for either of us.

For me, I have to stay mindful of my own ethics. I am not a pefect person but I am not a mean or insensitive one either. I don't wish to harm anybody. I also have the right to stand up for myself and not tolerate verbal or emotional abuse.

I think it helps to hold on to who you are, despite how others might see it.

[wantmorepeace]

I am relatively new here as well (although I was in an in-person support group for family members years ago) and find it helpful to know that I am not the only one going through this and to hear stories of finding more peace.  My heart goes out to you.  Please know that everything you type helps others as well as yourself.