Living on both sides of the fence.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been married to my uBPD wife for over 18 years. Over the Summer she filed for divorce, then rescinded, then asked me to file. Quite the roller coaster! I have not filed to date and do not intend to. But herein lies the rub:

When my wife filed for divorce she completely detached from me. This was made easier for her as I was working out of state for her father in law. She packed up all of my things and moved them to the basement, removed all family pictures and threatened to put my belongings into storage.

I returned home a month ago, and before coming home, my wife made it very clear that we were through and when I returned home I should be aware that I would be in the guest bedroom. We were to be roommates or actually less than that in her words, not even friends.

She also discussed the idea that we would file upon my return, sell the house and go our separate ways.

BUT- as borderlines usually do, she vacillates between divorcing and selling our house and traveling together through Europe, or buying a house together in another state! WTF? It all depends on the day.

Over Thanksgiving our daughter and granddaughter came to stay. I decided to give up my room as it was the guest room in its former life for them and was prepared to sleep on the couch. Needless to say I was shocked when my wife said I could stay in the "bed" while they were here. I had a deer in headlights look and was honestly confused by what she was saying...did she mean our bed? Well, yes, she did. I could sleep in the bed with her as long as I left her alone. Fair enough. But again...WTF. I took her up on her offer and as requested did not do anything other than sleep. It was/is exceptionally weird and I did not get very good sleep. She apparently did. I have one more night before I am banished from the bedroom, to return to my room AKA the gues bedroom.

I understand a lot about my wife and her condition/disease, but this is very strange and although I am not reading anything into this, I am still stunned and confused.

After almost 20 years of these unpredictable behaviors, abuse, and neglect, I am totally done. She is dependent on me financially and when she speaks of selling the house and moving to another house and includes me in the equation I stand there thinking, not again. That is a rabbit hole I do not want to return down into.

Of course there are times I take some comfort in her notion, but I honestly do not believe her nor trust her. She is an emotional weathervane and I feel used and abused at this juncture. Naturally, like most of us on her, I remain caught in her emotional web, still caring...still loving someone who never really existed and also finding myself loathing myself for still feeling anything after all of this lunacy.

Does any one else feel this way? Has anyone else experienced this kind of bizarre behavior?

Any input or observation is greatly appreciated!

[Harleyhogger]

I have been married to my uBPD wife for over 18 years. Over the Summer she filed for divorce, then rescinded, then asked me to file. Quite the roller coaster! I have not filed to date and do not intend to. But herein lies the rub:

When my wife filed for divorce she completely detached from me. This was made easier for her as I was working out of state for her father in law. She packed up all of my things and moved them to the basement, removed all family pictures and threatened to put my belongings into storage.

I returned home a month ago, and before coming home, my wife made it very clear that we were through and when I returned home I should be aware that I would be in the guest bedroom. We were to be roommates or actually less than that in her words, not even friends.

She also discussed the idea that we would file upon my return, sell the house and go our separate ways.

BUT- as borderlines usually do, she vacillates between divorcing and selling our house and traveling together through Europe, or buying a house together in another state! WTF? It all depends on the day.

Over Thanksgiving our daughter and granddaughter came to stay. I decided to give up my room as it was the guest room in its former life for them and was prepared to sleep on the couch. Needless to say I was shocked when my wife said I could stay in the "bed" while they were here. I had a deer in headlights look and was honestly confused by what she was saying...did she mean our bed? Well, yes, she did. I could sleep in the bed with her as long as I left her alone. Fair enough. But again...WTF. I took her up on her offer and as requested did not do anything other than sleep. It was/is exceptionally weird and I did not get very good sleep. She apparently did. I have one more night before I am banished from the bedroom, to return to my room AKA the gues bedroom.

I understand a lot about my wife and her condition/disease, but this is very strange and although I am not reading anything into this, I am still stunned and confused.

After almost 20 years of these unpredictable behaviors, abuse, and neglect, I am totally done. She is dependent on me financially and when she speaks of selling the house and moving to another house and includes me in the equation I stand there thinking, not again. That is a rabbit hole I do not want to return down into.

Of course there are times I take some comfort in her notion, but I honestly do not believe her nor trust her. She is an emotional weathervane and I feel used and abused at this juncture. Naturally, like most of us on her, I remain caught in her emotional web, still caring...still loving someone who never really existed and also finding myself loathing myself for still feeling anything after all of this lunacy.

Does any one else feel this way? Has anyone else experienced this kind of bizarre behavior?

Any input or observation is greatly appreciated!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You're in good company here. The randomness of the decisions/wants/needs is hard to follow. How do you see your ideal future unfolding?

[Websters Mom]

"Has anyone else experienced this kind of bizarre behavior?"  Oh. My. Where do I begin?  I am new to these boards. I joined because I needed validation I was not crazy. Yes. I have experienced these bizarre changes in attitude. It is almost as if I deal with several different people living in the same body.

Let me begin by saying my husband and I are recently separated after a 9-year turbulent marriage. He, without my knowledge, bought a townhouse and came home from work one night, and advised me he was moving out. I was not to call him or get in touch with him at all. A week later, he came back with a list of expenses for our home and handed them to me. He advised he would pay all of the expenses for me.  He then packed his stuff and walked out.

Wait. Not so fast. He stated he did not want a divorce. Oh. Wait. Yes. He now does. Then again? No need for divorce after all. He does not want to spend the holidays together but yet he calls to wish me a good day. In fact? He calls every 3 days. Not two. Not one. Three. Sometimes he sounds like the man I "thought" I married. Other times? His voice is ice and distant (so much so it make the hair on the make of my neck stand up).

He advised me we still have a relationship. What type of relationship? A medical one. If I am in the hospital (and he gave me a list of qualifying events) I should call him. If he is in the hospital, he expects me to be at his bedside.

If I get a flat tire? I can call BUT only if it is on the interstate. I cannot call if it is in the driveway or on a side street. Yes. These are actual conversations that I have had to endure.

I sought the help of on psychiatrist who spoke to me as best he could without talking to my husband. His advice? Lay low. I talk to him when he calls. I do not initiate the calls. I respond politely to texts but do no initiate. I do not respond to any "strange" remarks he makes. It is hard, but I do it. I have learned I am in a no-win situation.

After all, this is a man who told me he loves me. Not as a wife mind you but as his sister.  He told me he needed time away to learn how to be a husband. If he thinks I am his sister, I don't doubt he does!

When asked if he would go into counseling (under the rouse of marriage counseling), he (in his ice-cold voice) advised he would seek counseling when and if he wanted and under his terms. He would not seek counseling to save our marriage but will seek it before entering into a new relationship. After all, that its only fair he told me.

Yes. Believe me when I tell you I understand. I alternate between being sick with grief over the loss of the man I thought he was and rage over the man I see him be. At the end of the day though, from what I see? Neither love nor rage wins. BPD does.

Please know there are you are not alone. Stay strong.

[formflier]

Why cede the marital bedroom to her on her request/demand?

If she wants to leave the bed/marriage..you haven't chained her to it.

Right?

Best,

FF

[Harleyhogger]

Thanks Form Flier and Websters Mom for your thoughtful responses to my post,

As I have long suspected, my uBPD wife views our marriage as a business arrangement, now that she has threatened divorce, filed for it, rescinded, asked me to do it, then had a moment of clarity knowing she cannot financially stand on her own if we did divorce, she can operate our marriage without any obligation including being in the same bed.

Now she can make and continue the stand of banishing me from the "marital bed" as it makes her "uncomfortable" and she does not want an intimate relationship with me because she has no further obligation in that department. However, when our granddaughter comes back for the holiday, perhaps she will allow me to stay in the bed again for a few nights to accommodate. Strange...? Absolutely, but that is the twisted mind of the borderline. 

My wife will remain in this marriage, if you can call it that, so long as I do not rock the boat in this current setting until our youngest daughter turns 18 and can move out of the house, beyond that time it remains to be seen. Maybe she will stay if she cannot stand on her own and needs my financial support, or perhaps leave if she can. This is why she tries very hard to be on her best behaviors, knowing this.

With the wool finally pulled from my eyes, I see this our marriage for what it is and was, nothing more than a parasitic relationship. I am her host. Her previous three marriages ended in divorce and combined have not lasted as long as ours which is in its 19th year. The only reason this marriage has lasted is because of my apparent dysfunction as her caretaker otherwise known as a co-dependent. We are both guilty of playing our respective roles. I accept my responsibility for facilitating and supporting.

Of course, this is in no way allowing an excuse for her dysregulated behavior, emotional abuse, and neglect that she casts with no thought or consideration. This is unfortunately what borderlines do, and in the end, we, as enablers, choose to accept them because we become trapped in their emotional orbits.

In the end, we have to decide whether we choose to continue these dysfunctional and abnormal relationships because that is what they are, pure and simple.   

We all deserve better, but for some reason we labor on each and every day, putting ourselves out there subjecting ourselves to their continued outlandish and abusive behaviors.

Thankfully there are bulletin boards such as this where we can come together for some solace and understanding by and from those who deal with much of the same each day.

[Cat Familiar]

So now you’ve surmised that she wants to keep the marriage so that you will keep her afloat financially, but intimacy is off the table, do you see yourself remaining in the marriage after your youngest daughter leaves home?

[Harleyhogger]

Hi Cat Familiar

Much like my uBPD wife bemoans that I have broken her spirit and holds me responsible for most of her ills, I am ready to leave the marriage and come out of the fog of abuse I have endured for almost 2 decades. I take owness for my part in this marriage, but not for its total failure.

The raging, outbursts, and tyrannical behavior followed by moments of near calm like nothing ever happened is both unsettling and maddening. False accusations and delusions are becoming harder to ignore and bypass. The lack of empathy or understanding exhibited on her part is intolerable. Yet, I remain in an almost paralytic state in response to all of this. Perhaps some relational PTSD.

Only today after a heated conversation which I keep to a minimum she threatened to go on a destructive tirade through the house, smashed down her glass (thankfully it did not break) when I triggered her, and begged me to divorce her. Then as the evening draws on, her behavior is stable and controlled. It leaves me in nervous anticipation of what will trigger her next rage or put down.

Another day, another eggshell to avoid cracking. Oh what fun we all endure here!

Thanks for the support!

[Enabler]

Hey Harleyhogger,

Couple of observations... and you might want to ignore these if you don't want to go down the rabbit warren of trying to surmise another persons motivations... But, I'll lob them out there for you to consider.

Why did your W feel compelled to kick you out, then take you back only to ask you to kick yourself out of the marriage?

- Is there a legal reason in your state that might compel her to believe that it would be better if you "abandoned" her?
- Is there a shame reason she might see you leaving her rather than her leaving you as more preferable? How does she "show" herself to the rest of the world, what does the mask look like? Is she regularly the victim and is she positioning herself (and you) for her to end the game in the victim spot and you in the perpetrator spot (Karpman Triangle)?
- With regards to you staying in the bed whilst visitors we staying, do you think that was purely practical or do you suspect it had anything to do with the visitors not seeing past the mask? Was there any other 'best behaviour' on show for your D and GD... best behaviour that evaporated which D & GD left?

You've assumed that the change of heart is because she knows she won't be able to financially support herself post divorce. Is that fact, and wouldn't a more obvious choice (if that was the case) to go out and get a aggressive lawyer to ensure she does have enough income and capital to support herself post divorce?

NL

[Enabler]

P.S... I also like FF's question regarding the marital bed. But then I am prone to leaning into conflict rather than appeasing demands.

[RestlessWanderer]

Harley, shave off 10 years of marriage and I could have written much of this myself. My uBPDw actually locks me out of the bedroom. Then she will complain how I” choose “ to sleep on the couch or our trailer. She’s thrown me out so many times I keep all of my clothes are in the trailer. Same song with divorce. She makes all the threats, even driving me to the county office to file, only to abandon it when I said it didn’t have to be this way. Once I mentioned I had asked an attorney custody questions and her response was “see, I knew you wanted a divorce!”
On top of all this she somehow still expects me to woo her and take her on dates. Since I haven’t, she uses that as a reason she wants out. She also flaunts all of her suitors, both men and women, in an attempt to either make me jealous or prompt me into action to talk to her the same way.
Like you, I stick around, often wondering why. Right now I’m working on enforcing boundaries, which is making things tough again. I actually welcome the time I spend in the trailer since she spends more time upset with me than happy with me.

I definitely don’t have any answers, but I understand completely what you’re going through.