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Author Topic: I don’t know how to tell my bpd parent that I’m gay.  (Read 434 times)
NightwingingIt

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« on: November 27, 2020, 02:27:03 PM »

It took me a really long time to come to terms with my sexuality. I wasn’t even aware that I was gay until I started college and my therapist suggested to me that I have been avoiding intimacy in all forms. Since then, I’ve been trying to be aware of when I shell up in myself and in doing so I’ve become acutely aware that I am only attracted to other women. I have told all of my siblings and my mother and they have been very supportive, but ai’m not sure how to broach the subject with my bpdf. Despite having five daughters, my dad is largely sexist and has always told me and my siblings that he wished he had had boys instead. In a way, he seems women in a very negative light, his mom likely also had bpd and he kind of projects all of his hatred of her onto all women. I’m worried that if I tell him I don’t want to be with a man, he’ll take it as some kind of slight or offense on not just all men, but him as a person. I can really only see this going poorly, but I still want to have this conversation and try to let him adjust before I end up wanting to bring a girl home.

My dad swings from being accepting of the LGBTQ community when it suits him to, not quite being homophobic, but beinf condemning nonetheless. Has anyone here had to come out to their bpd family member? Is there any way to do this right or do you think I should just rip the bandaid off and take the brunt of whatever is in the other side?

Any advice would be lovely, thank you.
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zachira
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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2020, 05:43:16 PM »

You are wondering how to tell your BPD father that you are gay. Most of the gay people I know choose who is safe to come out to. Do you think your father has the capacity to eventually accept that you are gay? It is understandable that you would like to have a girlfriend be welcomed into your family just like a boyfriend would be. There are several gay women in my family. I have been quite surprised at how they have been accepted into our family, including by the family members with BPD, who are both men and women. There are/were four gay women couples in my family: one married in a big family celebration and now with a child, another married, another currently living together, and one couple which broke up after living together for a few years. Maybe it would best work to test the waters with your dad and tell him about other people who are gay, and see how he responds.
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NightwingingIt

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« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2020, 10:02:21 PM »

I don’t think deep down my dad is unsupportive of gay people, I think that he will have a problem with me being gay because I’ll be another “man hating B” in his eyes. But he’s so wishy washy with just about everything, so I just would really like to know if anyone thinks coming out to their borderline person made things worse because they can be so unstable or if giving him time to adjust to the idea would mean he would actually be able to come to terms with it better.

I am, of course, aware that coming out is always difficult and terrifying and different for everyone. I’m just trying to gauge how his disorder and his inability to separate certain things from “being an attack on men” might compound his reaction.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2020, 04:49:15 AM »

Are you still in college? Are you financially dependent on your father to get through college?

I ask this because, although I am straight, I also have a BPD mother and she controlled whether or not my father gave me money for college. Our relationship has not been an easy one- for you being gay may be one issue of concern, but if you were not, there may be others- as IMHO, it's the relationship dynamics that create this feeling of not being accepted by a BPD parent, not necessarily who you are. One of my goals was to become financially independent of my parents.

BPD parents can see their children as an extension of themselves, not as individuals with their own minds and preferences. So the issue may not be your sexual orientation but that you are becoming your own person- you are you, not your father's idea of you.

If you are still dependent on your parents financially to get through college, and you are concerned your father might not react well to this news, you might consider waiting until you are able to support yourself before you have this discussion. I understand the wish to come out and be who you are authentically- but keep in mind with a pwBPD- being authentic with them can be a challenge for many reasons. I am not saying "don't come out" or don't be authentic, but rather saying " decide the time that is safest for you".

I would also encourage you to continue with counseling and discovering who you are. When I was in college ( many years ago ) I wasn't really sure who I was either. Growing up, the focus of our family was my BPD mother's wishes. Your task now is to become a fully independent adult- emotionally, and financially. If you are still in college, this is a process.

You want your father to accept you for who you are and I hope he does but it's also possible that he doesn't, or doesn't accept it right away, and you can't control how he reacts. So approach this topic when you feel you are in a safe situation to do so.
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RavenWatcher

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« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2020, 02:01:41 PM »

Hello NightwingingIt,

First of all, congratulations on coming out. Welcome to the lgbtq+ family! It is wonderful that your siblings and mother have been supportive of you coming out. I also hope you have friends who are supportive, and are finding support from the lgbt community where you live.

I too struggled with when and how to tell my mother who is uBPD that I was gay, for all the reasons you mentioned of not being sure how she would react vs wanting to be my authentic self and be accepted.

I think what notwendy asked is really good. If you're not sure, and there is a financial component to your relationship, I also would suggest waiting. I did something similar when it came to coming out to my parents. This is why I mentioned support of friends and members of the gay/lesbian community, which for me really helped me until I could be open with everyone.

As I'm inferring you know, your safety is always the most important thing with the coming out process. I hope that sooner, rather than later, it will be safe for you to come out to your Dad.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2020, 04:37:05 PM »


I will second the practical concerns raised by others about financial support.  In fact, expand the question to "if my Dad decides to withhold support for a time..", what does that look like?

If that means getting dropped by insurance, car taken away, cell phone turned off..etc etc...then I would address those things first and make sure you "don't need" that kind of support anymore.

Then I would direct you to your own post to find the "most likely" answer to how he will be "emotionally" to deal with.

He ranges from support to non-support.  So...entirely likely that he will have times where he reacts/acts badly and other times when he is very supporting.  It will most likely be inexplicable how his moods change on the subject.

Does your therapist have a recommendation?

Best,

FF
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2020, 03:45:17 AM »

So...entirely likely that he will have times where he reacts/acts badly and other times when he is very supporting.  It will most likely be inexplicable how his moods change on the subject.

Keep in mind that these mood and behavior fluctuations are common with pwBPD as they struggle with their own internal emotions. This can be more about them than about you.

While they may blame your sexual orientation for their own feelings, please keep this in mind because it can happen regardless. Also the "mood" may not fit the reason. Sometimes my mother could react to a small slight as if it were the worse thing in the world.

If a parent sees their child as an extension of themselves, then any time the child asserts their own individuality might feel upsetting to a BPD parent. With an adult child, these situations might involve not wanting to study the major the parent picks, dating someone who might be different than the parents' ideas, deciding to live somewhere else.

I want to emphasise this is because it's about the relationship dynamics, and your task is to understand and navigate these dynamics not just for now, but for the long run. The overall theme is "Mom and Dad, I am who I am, please accept me for who I am". I am not certain I have even achived this, because my mother's BPD makes it difficult. However, I have learned to have a relationship with her while maintaining my own decisions and boundaries.

I think RavenWatcher's point about having supportive friends is important. They will understand your wishes and concerns about coming out. But also, if it seems your father is not accepting you, please keep in mind this might be more about him than you- he may struggle internally with his own inability to accept who he is. When, and if you decide to tell him ( and only when it is safe for you to do so) if you can stay calm in the relationship and not take his behavior personally as his moods might fluctuate,  it will help to not add to the drama with BPD.
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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2020, 09:08:18 AM »

The overall theme is "Mom and Dad, I am who I am, please accept me for who I am". I am not certain I have even achived this, because my mother's BPD makes it difficult. However, I have learned to have a relationship with her while maintaining my own decisions and boundaries.


Can you describe how much of the time it appeared your BPDish mom was accepting/supporting and how much of the time they were not?

Perhaps it might be useful to further divide that up into the time after you were more consistent with BPDFamily tools and the time before you heard of BPD.


For NightwingingIt,

Perhaps your can replay some of your memory tapes and try and remember how your Father reacted to "emotional" news (doesn't really have to be good or bad).  

On some level every Father understands that a child entrusting them with their truth is an emotional thing...it signifies a level of intimacy.  

BPD shows itself most in intimate relationships, see all the stories about how casual acquaintances think the pwBPD is a wonderful caring empathetic person and intimate family members "know" a completely different person.

1.  Take this knowledge and know that these BPDish things are not about you.
2.  Replay the tapes and make some educated guesses about how your Father will react.  Let us know your guesses and we can help you prepare with tools.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Best,

FF
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2020, 11:30:47 AM »

FF that can cycle, sometimes lasting a few minutes or sometimes she hasn't spoken to me for weeks.

Basically, saying no to her sets her off, or doing something she doesn't approve of. I don't think I did major bad things as a kid- bad enough to deserve her reactions, but it didn't matter, leaving a toy on the floor could provoke a rage.

The feeling of not being accepted for who I am is a result of the BPD dynamics in my family, not anything I said or did. Nor is it one thing. A part of it is her tendencies to project on to me so she sees her projections instead. The other is her own poor self image so she looks to others for that. If I do something she approves of, then she accepts me. If I say no to her, or upset her, she then rejects me. This is not unconditional love, which is the kind of love one seeks from a parent. A parent may not agree or approve of something a child does, but their love for them doesn't change but in my family, it seemed approval was contingent on pleasing my mother, doing what she wanted me to, regardless.

The topic of disapproval- the reason for the BPD person's discontent can change like the wind. It's their own internal discontent that they blame something else on. This is why I am saying to look at the dynamics, not the reason. If Ravenwatcher's Dad reacts poorly, it's not necessarily only due to him being unaccepting of being gay, but having an external reason for his own uncomfortable feelings.

I understand Ravenwatchers fears of coming out to her family, because yes, it's a scary thing to do. Even loving parents may need to adjust to new news like that. But with BPD it helps to understand how BPD can impact their reaction.
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NightwingingIt

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« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2020, 12:01:27 PM »

I am not financially dependent on my parents. There are,  of course, some perks to still living at home. I go to a commuter school and I decided not to move out when I graduated because my little sister is still at home and I didn’t feel, at the time, that I should leave her at home by herself with my parents. That being said, she is graduating soon and I’m planning to move out after next semester.

I do think it would be best to wait to deliver any news to my dad till after I move out, but I also suspect that my little sister has BPD as well or at least, some strongly similar traits, and she isn’t always the subtlest, so I am acutely aware that she could out me accidentally. And I worry that he’ll be hurt if he finds out I waited so long to tell him specifically when my other family members knew for a while. It’s a hard decision when there isn’t a good solution and I’m trying to avoid a depressive state or an explosion.

I am not actually out to most of my friends. It’s not that I don’t want to tell them, or think that they’ll react poorly (for the most part), I just struggle to shine that kind of spotlight on myself. I’m scared, of course, who isn’t right before they come out? But it’s mostly that I don’t even know how to bring it up, and that I’m uncomfortable with the idea of all that attention.

Therapy is a struggle for me. I’m using the counseling center at my school and his solution is to sit down with my family and just talk it out. My schools program seems to be trying to just fix the problem and move on, but having such an unstable situation isn’t really something you slap a bandaid on and move passed. For this reason, I’m undecided on whether or not to keep seeing him. I don’t think he is equipped to help me, but as of now, it’s the only option I have for counseling.
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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2020, 12:10:53 PM »


There are several issues swirling about (no surprising with BPDish behavior in the mix)

Can you tell me more about your decision to stay home because of your sister?

What did you believe would happen if you moved out?  What happened as a result of your staying?

Does your Dad know about your move out schedule?  Do others?

Are you generally able to talk through things with your Dad or is that relationship fraught?  Can you give examples of where you were vulnerable and it didn't go well? 

Best,

FF
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NightwingingIt

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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2020, 05:16:16 PM »

My dad isn’t physically violent. I didn’t mean to suggest that.

My parents have had a deal for as long as I can remember that my mom would stick out anything he threw at her until all of her kids had graduated high school. In the last few years, as the youngest got closer to graduating, and things not improving much, it’s been tenser. I don’t think I’m dealing with anything abnormal for BPD. He takes his anger out on us, though, and half the time he’s depressed, and when he’s happy we all just pretend really hard that everything's fine, but my sister just acts like he doesn’t exist most of the time. Going as far as not responding when he speaks to her directly. And that makes him angry or sad or anything in between. They need a buffer between them.

I thought about moving out, but I always came back to a fear that he would do something dramatic, like kick her out and no one would be here or he might hurt himself. Both equally scary and calls I didn’t want to receive, I just decided to stick it out.

 Overall, my dad doesn’t really handle things well. It’s almost like he’s the only one allowed to have any sort if negative emotions. He just expects us to be happy all the time, like dolls. When I have tried to talk about things I either get met with a lot of sympathy or I get screamed at for a long time, I’ve never really been able to stick up for myself in those moments, I kind of just, zone out, and stay quite and try to make it over as soon as possible. Not something I’m proud of, but that’s how it is. I honestly have never had a good read on how my dad will react to what and it probably depends on his mood and his day more than anything.

I know after saying all that, it probably seems like a bad idea to come out to him, but I think if this makes him mad, it’ll be more of ignoring me than screaming. I’m just weighing my options carefully and I’m not in any rush to get it done now, but ideally he would have already adjusted to the idea before I have someone I want to bring home.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2020, 05:58:01 AM »

I think I'd wait a while. Not from the hiding who you are standpoint but so you can learn more about BPD and family dynamics and how to manage a reaction. It's good he isn't violent, but his reaction might still be difficult.

I started asserting boundaries with my parents ( at an older age than you are) but I was naive to the dynamics and not prepared to handle their reaction as well ( not sure it gets easy though, but we can gain skills of our own).

I think it was the right decision to have held a boundary but also think I could have handled it better.

There's lots to read on this board about "tools" to manage a BPD relationship.
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formflier
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2020, 07:18:25 AM »


It would also help you to find a therapist that is well versed in the dynamics of a family relationship with a PD involved.

In addition, it should be someone you are comfortable with.  It's not unusual at all to hear stories of people that tried out several different Ts before finding one they connect with.

The tools break down into two broad categories.

1.  How to manage the pwBPD.
2.  How to manage yourself, especially when hurting because of the pwBPD.

Best,

FF
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mutemonkey8

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« Reply #14 on: December 13, 2020, 09:54:37 AM »

Hi, NightwingingIt,
First of all, major congratulations for doing the hard work to get to this point where you’ve come out to yourself. And good job on seeking therapy and working on self-growth.

And, welcome to the family. One of the best things about coming out is that you now are part of a whole culture that has a history and language and music and literature and all this stuff that previous generations (and contemporaries) created in order to make us all feel at home with ourselves, because we have all learned the hard way: the more you build your internal sense of self, pride and strength, the easier it will be to deal with any negatives.

If you don’t have in-person community, I recommend picking up some books about gay and lesbian history, or listen to the decades of music that’s been created by us for us, or watch our movies, to get a sense of your new place in the world. Another recommendation is to get a subscription to Lesbian Connection (lconline.org). It’s an old-school, grassroots publication that’s entirely about creating a sense of community even though we are all around the world.

Anyway: so many parts of your experience resonate with me (not just the gay part). The fear, the expectation to be happy all the time, the zoning out… check, check, check.

I’m 40. I didn’t come out to my parents until I was 26, mostly because of fear of what would happen next. But at 26, I was financially independent and not living too close to them, and it seemed right.

My father, the non-BPD parent, took it in stride.

My mother, the uBPD, had some more complicated reactions to it. I should also add a little back story, that I had nearly come out at 15, but in the course of the conversation she had told me “Just don’t be gay”. At the time, I was completely under her control and dependent on her for everything, and my 15-year-old’s reasonable solution to that was to… “not be gay”. So, fast forward a decade, and here I am again, coming out.

She started by saying she had to check with what her church says about accepting gay people. This was completely out of left field. She is in no way religious and hadn’t attended any services in 15 years. So that was weird. I got a lot of tears and her feeling sorry for herself for a long time. I got the silent treatment for awhile. Then she acted like none of that had happened. I did bring a girlfriend home to meet my parents maybe a few months after this. And it was OK. Eventually, she swung the other way to being very supportive of lgbtq people.

However, she still has “complicated reactions” to me, although it is nowadays most often about my butch style than about the fact that my partners have been women. I am 40 years old, and every time she sees me, she is compelled to comment that she doesn’t think my short hair looks good on me. I think it’s just such a visual reminder that I am a distinct and separate individual from her, and that is intolerable to her.

But anyway, the point is that coming out is a process….probably quadruply so for BPD parents. I mean, saying the words happens once, but after that is a process of layers of acceptance for many parents. (And even coming out - saying the words- will happen over and over again throughout your life.)

And there may be times when it’s in your interests to NOT come out. For safety reasons, financial reasons, social reasons, etc. It’s not a sign of self-loathing or cowardice, it’s that this is a sensitive, vulnerable part of yourself that you get to choose to share with those you truly trust…or choose to not share.

You sound very conscientious and reasonable. And I totally understand your impulse when you say “ideally he would have already adjusted to the idea before I have someone I want to bring home.”

However, I really urge you to rethink your expectations on that. Even though as children of pwBPD, we spend our entire lives trying to anticipate and prepare for what’s coming next, that’s not really possible. Furthermore, BPD reactions aren’t stable over time. His reaction today may or may not bear any resemblance to his attitudes and words in six months or 2 years.

And, likewise, I understand your fears about someone else telling him first. You’re worried he’ll be hurt that you trusted others before him. I 100% get that. There’s a lot I could say to that. But bottom line: please don’t come out out of fear. You deserve to tell people when you are comfortable.

Take care of yourself! Feel free to PM me if you have more to talk about.
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