manipulative suicide threats for two years...I'm beyond despair

[eddiesmom20]

Hi,
My 30 year old son has never been formally diagnosed with bpd, but in all my reading over the past 15 years, he meets every criteria.
He had a deep love relationship that ended a year ago.  he also works on a covid floor at a hospital, and is prone to depression anyway.
He has told me for at least a year that he is in too much pain, and I am the only reason he is still alive.  He begs me often to "let him go"...what kind of a mother could say to a son "ok dear, you can kill yourself if you need to"?
I convinced him to go to therapy a few months back ,he went a few times and said it was "too painful to rehash the past". I told him that is how you get better, but he shut that door.  I got him to try an antidepressant, and it gave him "brain zaps"..he tried another, then went off both of them.  he would prefer to self medicate with alcohal, marijuana and an ativan as needed. 
He has really good days where he reaches out to friends, plays frisbee golf out doors, (which he is addicted to and is really good for him), but about every two weeks, he crashed badly.  Last night was excruciating for me.  I listed to him on and off for about two days, begging me to "let him go"...After offering him everything, food, empathy, his dad and I offering to go sit with him, an offer to find a good dbt therapist for him, and anything else we could think of that he rejected, I finally lost it and started crying hysterically and screaming at him.  It is truly the worst kind of torture a mother could endure, listening to a child she loves so much, begging her to let him die.
He hung up and called my husband, who is just about fed up with the psychological torture we have endured and my husband said "I cant talk, I have to go take care of your mom".  So he was rejected by both of us.
I am going to call him later today, half expecting that he's dead.  He has never tried suicide.  only threats.  we hospitalized him against his will when he was 15, suffering from acute anxiety, on the advice of the professionals.  worst thing we ever did.  three days locked up, all it caused was severe PTSD and losing a year of school.
I love him with all my heart, but have health issues myself.  I have to have a uterine biopsy monday, and deal with whatever that is.  I can't do this anymore if he flat out refuses any and all help
I can't let him hold his life or death over my head anymore, and , as an empath, it tears me apart to think he interpets this as abandonment, and may even act on it, on Christmas day.  My husband held my dying mother in law last christmas day, and we truly can't take anymore.
Please if anyone has any advice, I am pretty desperate and would be most grateful.
thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi EddiesMom,

I am so sorry for what you are going through today.   I am also going through the same thing with my 32 yr old son today.   He originally didn’t want me to call him today because the “pain would be too much” so I agreed to respect his boundaries.

Instead he called me and raged.   And now he is following up with texts.  I haven’t read them yet but it is up to 25 so far.

He tells me that if I don’t fix things then I am sacrificing him. 

When he rages the threats seem manipulative, but there are other times when he is not raging and tells me he that the emotional pain is so strong that it becomes physical and he just wants the pain to end

Please read and learn all you can here.  There is a great library here.   Please stay with us.  There is a great group here of many understanding people.

I’m sorry I don’t have much great advice at the moment, I just wanted to say hello and that you are not alone. 

Hugs

R

[Swimmy55]

Hi and Welcome,
 Here is something to peruse through from this forum       https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

I am sorry you are going through this .  The BPD is miserable and wants us to fix them and we can't. However, it is paramount you get support and a network for yourself and coming here is a great first step.  

I think the first step ( it is excruitiating) is for you to realize you cannot control him or save him from himself.  That is an inside job that is his alone to do.  You are absolved from this.   Do not fear you or your husband will have sent him over the brink by anything you have said or done.  This is all on him.  Many ( if not all ) of us here have dealt with suicide threats from our BPD loved ones at some point. Please read through and write back here as often as you need.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Eddiesmom20:

I convinced him to go to therapy a few months back ,he went a few times and said it was "too painful to rehash the past".  

There are different types of therapy and approaches.  Why not try a therapist and type of therapy that can focus on ways to improve the moment, NOT or rehashing the past. A DBT or Cognitive-type therapist, could be the key. Although it might be productive to focus on the past, at some point in the future,  managing the here and now is important.

He may be dealing with something like major depression and it would probably be best to try some other meds, at some point in time.  In the meantime, what has he tried to manage anxiety and/or depression?


When he feels suicidal, he needs some way to manage his feelings, rather than call you and make suicidal threats.

What can be a tool for him right now is a phone app called "Insight Timer".  Perhaps you might want to get it for yourself and check it out.  There is a lot available for free, that includes live presentations.  The premium version (approx. $60/yr) has courses on a lot of mental health tools, mindfulness and various forms of meditation.  The teachers on the app., range from psychologists, to neuroscientists, to coaches and advisors who have dug deep into mindfulness and meditation skills (to manage their own anxiety).

There are several courses there that teach multiple ways to try and manage anxiety and depression. If you try the app, you would likely find it helpful for yourself.  It can be helpful to know what's in it and what's available, so you could be better equipped to discuss it with your son.

Perhaps this app (or something similar) could me a helpful tool for your son.  Instead of calling you, he could join in on one of the live presentations or listen to recorded audio tools. Once he learns some coping skills, he can bookmark and/or make a list of his favorite options, and just go directly to them when he needs help processing his mood/feelings.

When he feels suicidal, he needs an alternative to calling you and placing a burden on you.  You can't fix him.  Perhaps try to lead him to Insight Timer, or something like it, and then start setting a boundary, when he calls you and indicates he wants to kill himself.

In listening to some recent live presentations on Insight Timer, I've sat in on some with young men, who have gone on a personal quest to manage their anxiety.  They are there and sharing skills that they learned that have worked for them.  Perhaps, some of them can serve as mentors, for your son.  

Just sharing something to try.  Perhaps something less formal than therapy sessions, could help your son.  If he can find a couple of teachers/presenters on Insight Timer, that he can relate to, it might lead him on a journey to use and embrace some tools to use to manage his feelings.

[Huat]

Hello eddiesmom20

From one Mother to another...I am so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  I know how desperate you are for answers... to have all go away...and I wish I (or anyone) could grant that wish to you.

While my story is not your story I do have memories of great anguish because of my children.  I held my newly born grandchild in one arm as I had the phone in the other hand, listening to her mother cry and talk of suicide.  Another time our other child had become addicted to painkillers and the night we got him into a doctor were told that he may not make it through the night.

I don't write my story to try to over-shadow yours.  I write it to tell you I understand your pain.

With all that said I just can't imagine hearing my child ask me to let him/her go...give permission for them to end their life.  My heart goes out to you!

Eddiesmom20, it is absolutely necessary for you to tell yourself that you have done the best you could with this troubled son of yours.  You have!  You write..."I can't let him hold his life or death over my head anymore."  Easier said than done...but must be done for your welfare.   No matter what, you do not have the ability to control his actions.

I am glad you are here.  I am glad you put those fingers on the keyboard and poured out your heart.  You need to to be heard and you are being heard.  Let us walk with you.

Many, many ((HUGS) from Huat

[Sancho]

Something Resilient said hit a chord with me.  'if you don't fix things'. Our adult children seem to heap responsibility on us to 'fix things' while at the same time rejecting any option of help that we offer and continuing to make us feel guilty for NOT 'fixing things.

We are cornered. Once you have done all that you can - which is what you seem to have done - you need to take the steps to 'separate' if not physically then emotionally. I keep repeating to myself 'I have done all I can' whenever I start to get drawn back in emotionally. I even got to the point where I continued working on my computer while BPD d and boyfriend were fighting and she rushed outside and back inside with a rope to hang herself with. I didn't cause this problem, I can't control what she does and I am not responsible for her choices. I love her deeply but I have done all that I can.

[Tulipps]

You're dealing with a lot! I hope your biopsy was negative and at least that worry is off your plate.
Something I'm finding helpful today is the Alanon slogan of the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Good luck! ((hug)

[KBug]

My step daughter, 22, with BPD often turns to me to fix her BPD.  I tell that I wish I could hug her and make it all go away but I can't. I tell her that her dad and I, other loved ones, and professionals will hold her hand through this journey, but it's her journey to make.  She has to work with the people in her support network to figure out what will work for her. Some times will be confusing and difficult and other times will be easier but no one can do this for her.  We talk about adult development and how one of the journeys into adulthood is realizing that adults don't always know what they're doing and can't fix everything. I then get her to tell me what she has learned in therapy, from her own experiences, and from what she has learned about life from other people that might be helpful with her situation. This makes her angry or sad sometimes because she feels like nothing works, but sometimes it moves her to applying what she's learning.