Ex devalued me but was he right?

[sureitsnorth]

My ex has borderline personality. We had a brief relationship that was very intense. From the first date I noticed that there was something a bit off in his behaviour but I decided to give the relationship a chance. He confessed to me that he suffered from psychological issues but he didn't give any specifics. I didn't ask to respect his privacy. I later found out that it was BPD because I saw he had googled several things about BPD, its symptoms and therapy options. I also saw his psychiatric meds on his night table. At the moment, I didn't even know what BPD was but I came to observe all of its symptoms in full display. As a textbook BPD he devalued me; we lived a "honeymoon" phase and he even told me that he wanted to marry me. But a few days later he abruptly broke up with me. He also displayed other symptoms of BPD: rages, memory gaps, accusations... He also found his replacement right after breaking up with me. I was naturally very hurt. At an intellectual level, I understood what was going on but I had a very hard time to process it emotionally. This relationship is over for good but what I want to take out from this whole mess is an opportunity to understand myself better and to work on my own issues. And for this I think that I need to evaluate the reasons why he devalued me because, as harsh and cruel as he was, I can't help to think that there is some truth in what he said to me.

I am currently unemployed. I have savings so for the moment I am ok financially but the truth is that I don't know what to do. I currently live far away from home. I moved here because of a good job. Unfortunately, the company fired me and I have to find a new job, but I am not certain if I will be able to find one here. I have made some applications but so far I haven't got any positive responses. As we got to know each other, I explained my situation to him. I told him that I was not sure what I was going to do with my life, where I was going and what I was going to do because of this employment uncertainty. I also told him that I sometimes missed my hometown and my family. I also confessed to him that sometimes I feel a bit lonely and sad because even though I have made friends here, they are just a few and it’s not the same as back home. I also told him that some of my former colleagues at work were bullies and that they took advantage of me and this made me sad. Asides from that, because I thought that the relationship was going well, at some point I also told him that I needed to know if he was committed to me so that I could plan accordingly (continue to apply for jobs here, renew my lease contract). I also told him that we could find a way solve this situation together. I told him that we could stay here and he could offer me some support while I find a job (by support I didn’t mean money, but maybe the possibility to stay in his flat later on so that I can save some  money while I find another job). Or we could find a way to move together somewhere else.  He said to me that I should be independent and find my own way and I replied to him that I agreed but that I thought that couples need to support each other in difficult times too. The devaluation started right after I had this conversation with him. He gave me the silent treatment for some days and then broke up with. He said to me that I have too many problems and that I am a sad, lonely person. I was shocked because I mean, I did say that sometimes I feel lonely but I wouldn’t define myself as a sad person because I can also be very happy and I am motivated to do many things. I know it’s his black and white thinking and maybe some projection but at the same time, I wonder whether he is right. I remember that he also said that  it seems to him that I am desperate to find a man to rescue me. This was very hurtful to hear and I wonder if there is some truth to that. I am also wondering whether I should put my life together first and stop dating men until I solve my employment situation. I am also wondering, and this is something that runs deeper, if I should work on some guilt issues before I date anyone. I feel guilty that my professional life is not going very well. I also feel guilty to be far away from my family. And I feel very guilty about a former relationship that I ended with a very good man that I was just not in love with and I wonder if I made a mistake. I don’t know if I should date anyone before I solve these feelings of guilt. I am also wondering if it was too early to mention the word “commitment”. I know that BPD or not, men tend to want to run away when women mention this word, but at the same time, if I am having an intimate relationship with someone, do I not have the right to know where it’s going? I am also wondering if in the future, I should avoid opening up so early about my worries, problems and fears. And finally I am questioning whether he was right about devaluing me because it is true that I have many problems and I am a mess. What do you think?   

[B53]

SIN,
Welcome. If he has BPD, most likely, you’re not the problem. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time and you should expect that your SO should be supportive and show some empathy. If you are between jobs, why don’t you move back closer to your family and friends? They will be there for you and he will not. Most likely he will be back and the cycle will begin again. It’s hard to break free and distance will help. Spending time working on yourself isn’t a bad idea, before getting into another relationship.
We are here for you.
B53

[sureitsnorth]

Thanks for your response. It is very kind. I will work on my healing on the coming months. And I am aware that maybe for all of us, it is a lifelong work.

I am not sure if it is a good idea to move now in the middle of a pandemic but I am certain that I won't let him come back to my life. He already tried and I refused. After being treated so poorly (I didn't mention everything that he did to me), I don't imagine myself having any sort of relationship with him. He might try again in the future but I will refuse.

Thank you for the supportive message.

[Lucky Jim]

I need to evaluate the reasons why he devalued me because, as harsh and cruel as he was, I can't help to think that there is some truth in what he said to me.

Hey sureitsnorth, No, of course he isn't right.  Those w/BPD say a lot of hurtful things.  Your task is to let the degrading things he said roll off your back.  I have a saying: Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it!  So don't internalize his devaluations.  Instead, turn them back on him and accept that it is part of the disorder.  Don't beat yourself up!  You did nothing wrong.

LuckyJim

[sureitsnorth]

Thank you so much Lucky Jim.