One thing I still need to get past

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Several months ago, I finally accepted the fact that the relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f of nearly two years was over. The relationship ended in April, and I went NC in early May of this year.  However, there is still one issue regarding the relationship that I need some advice on to get past in order completely put this behind me. I've spoken to my T about it, but I want to hear from a few of you that have actually been through this type of thing. This issue doesn't consume me completely each day, but it still bothers me from time to time.

My unresolved issue is in regards to my ex-g/f and her rebound guy (a "friend" from her high school days). As some of you already know from my previous threads, she messed around in bed with this guy for a couple of months after leaving her husband and filing for divorce. She discarded him to start seeing me, and never told me about him until almost two months into our relationship saying that the relationship was "unhealthy" and that he was "just a rebound and I told him that while we were together, and he said he was fine with that."  However, on and off throughout our relationship, there was still contact between the two. Two weeks after our breakup because I wouldn't propose to her, she was back with this guy and is still in a relationship with him. After over 4 months of NC, I started hearing from her again in mid September over social media, text, and had a quick in person visit from her while I was outside playing with my young child (her parents live next door to me). I also had a social media blip from her 2 weeks ago through a mutual friends page.

My issue that I need advice on is this: I still harbor a fair amount of resentment towards her new man (and her as well) for the sniffing around that he was doing during my relationship with her via text, call, and social media. A mutual friend told me that he called her as soon as he noticed her single status on social media the day after my ex and I split. Less than two weeks later, they were out on their first date, and she was rubbing it in my face via a text message the next morning. I also learned that he was one of a few guys that she was talking to while she and her ex-husband were married, and that caused problems between her and her former spouse.   I don't contact or try to hook up with other women that are married or in a relationship with other people, and I just like to have the same respect shown to me in return. I realize that I can't control what other people do, and I also realize that both my ex and her new man have very poor boundaries. He was communicating with her, and she continued to allow it to go on. So, I hold them equally responsible. There are times I sit here and say to myself, "I hope she unleashes all of the same BS on him that she inflicted  on me, only I hope he gets a double dose of it." Part of me thinks that will give me some satisfaction, but in the end it probably won't.

How do I get past this part? I can honestly say that I've felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders for several months now that I don't have to deal with her mental illness and dysfunction. That's now the new guys problem. I just need to figure out how to let the other part go.

[brighter future]

Several months ago, I finally accepted the fact that the relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f of nearly two years was over. The relationship ended in April, and I went NC in early May of this year.  However, there is still one issue regarding the relationship that I need some advice on to get past in order completely put this behind me. I've spoken to my T about it, but I want to hear from a few of you that have actually been through this type of thing. This issue doesn't consume me completely each day, but it still bothers me from time to time.

My unresolved issue is in regards to my ex-g/f and her rebound guy (a "friend" from her high school days). As some of you already know from my previous threads, she messed around in bed with this guy for a couple of months after leaving her husband and filing for divorce. She discarded him to start seeing me, and never told me about him until almost two months into our relationship saying that the relationship was "unhealthy" and that he was "just a rebound and I told him that while we were together, and he said he was fine with that."  However, on and off throughout our relationship, there was still contact between the two. Two weeks after our breakup because I wouldn't propose to her, she was back with this guy and is still in a relationship with him. After over 4 months of NC, I started hearing from her again in mid September over social media, text, and had a quick in person visit from her while I was outside playing with my young child (her parents live next door to me). I also had a social media blip from her 2 weeks ago through a mutual friends page.

My issue that I need advice on is this: I still harbor a fair amount of resentment towards her new man (and her as well) for the sniffing around that he was doing during my relationship with her via text, call, and social media. A mutual friend told me that he called her as soon as he noticed her single status on social media the day after my ex and I split. Less than two weeks later, they were out on their first date, and she was rubbing it in my face via a text message the next morning. I also learned that he was one of a few guys that she was talking to while she and her ex-husband were married, and that caused problems between her and her former spouse.   I don't contact or try to hook up with other women that are married or in a relationship with other people, and I just like to have the same respect shown to me in return. I realize that I can't control what other people do, and I also realize that both my ex and her new man have very poor boundaries. He was communicating with her, and she continued to allow it to go on. So, I hold them equally responsible. There are times I sit here and say to myself, "I hope she unleashes all of the same BS on him that she inflicted  on me, only I hope he gets a double dose of it." Part of me thinks that will give me some satisfaction, but in the end it probably won't.

How do I get past this part? I can honestly say that I've felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders for several months now that I don't have to deal with her mental illness and dysfunction. That's now the new guys problem. I just need to figure out how to let the other part go.

[cash05458]

Brighter, altho my breakup is much fresher...the last three weeks...very similar things and feelings...started before the end...and I too have those feelings.

For myself, I am trying to accept the reality and see the bright side, if there is any...at least as long as she is so in love with someone else it keeps me safe via her coming back...I want to get to a strong point where I don't need that as well to do the proper thing for myself. But for the moment, it's prolly a blessing as I am so vulnerable...

Maybe an analogy might be someone who up and steals your heroin if you are a junkie and you have no access to any more...you hate them and end up being forced to clean up and at the end you finally get there...?

But then again, I am only just beginning this whole thing...so perhaps I don't know very much about it or myself just yet...

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BF-

I’m not sure, but it seems to me that your ex may have been keeping this other guy “on the hook” for years... and he IS hooked... liked many of us here.  But he may not understand who he’s dealing with... so he waits for her to “love” him.  Thinking maybe “this time”... which never REALLY comes.

In your words, she discarded him for you.  He seems to wait.  He doesn’t seem to actually interfere.  He sees “single” status on social media and then he makes contact.

Whatever contact SHE makes while married, in relationships, that’s on HER, really.  Place blame where it lies... on HER.  THIS Guy, seems like he’s been hurting for years, and getting crumbs from her as his payoff.

You don’t need to waste your healing energy wishing him pain.  He’s likely felt plenty.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[brighter future]

Cash,

Thanks for your reply. I like the analogy that you used and how it relates to my situation. She was like a supply of heroin to me, and I admit it was quite traumatic for me when it was abruptly cut off. At the end of the day, what she had to offer me was unhealthy just like the real drug.  Funny thing is, throughout most of our relationship she used to say "You are my Xanax. You help calm me down and make me feel safe." But it's like I told you in your discussion thread last week, BPD people are like trying to fill a bucket full of holes. Eventually what I had to offer wasn't good enough. Even if I would have married her, it wouldn't have been good enough either after a while.

Feeling resentment towards this guy (and her) doesn't affect me every day, but it does bother me every so often. The other part of the time I'm thankful that it's not me. It's really weird how I go back and forth like that. Last week was rough because of the Christmas holiday. During Christmas of 2019, things were going well at that time with her and I. We had a family picture taken together with Santa (she and I along with our kids), and both of her kids kept asking me when I was going to marry their mother. One week before the breakup, her son told me that he wanted to be the ring bearer when we got married. What a difference a year makes.

I'd just like to get to a point where I don't give a sh##t at all about this guy and what he did when I was with her. He's like a vulture.  My therapist reminds me time to time that I can't control what others do, and I realize that. She also said this relationship is most likely doomed due to my ex's mental issues and her new man's chemical dependency and emotional issues. Two highly disordered people together will most likely make for a bad combination. I hate it for her two kids who have been through so much and don't need more crap to deal with. Both are now in counseling, and the boy is now on medication.

[cash05458]

Brighter, I get it...I really do...and again, I am going thru similar stuff via the other man...

As I have been looking into myself the last few days, I realize that what REALLY is getting to me isn't so much the sexual stuff...altho that is there of course...but that I am upset that she is turning to another for emotional support...

Whereas I should normally be doing a jig at not having to carry that burden and everything that spins around that b.s...I find myself upset at that...jealous I guess would be word...that's my thing obviously...

[brighter future]

Thanks for your reply, Gems. I have read many of your posts responding to the others on the forum, and you are very insightful and compassionate in your responses.

I’m not sure, but it seems to me that your ex may have been keeping this other guy “on the hook” for years... and he IS hooked... liked many of us here.  But he may not understand who he’s dealing with... so he waits for her to “love” him.  Thinking maybe “this time”... which never REALLY comes.

You are correct about her keeping him around for future use. She admitted to me 6+ weeks after we had started dating that she was sleeping with him and talking to 3 other guys. All of these men were former classmates of hers from 18-20 years ago. Again, this was after she left her ex-husband. I came along, and said she broke it off with him because their relationship was based on sex and that he was an alcoholic with no job, no car, and was forced to live with relatives. His wife left him right before he hooked up with my ex for sex.  As I said, she told me he kept calling or texting for a while. I do know there was conversation out in the open because I saw him openly post on her social media page. I'm sure there continued to be behind the scenes messages as well between them. About 4-5 months before we split, she told my cousin (with me present) that she wanted to marry me. Then later she described her inappropriate relationship with this guy to my cousin referring to him as "My rebound guy. What went between us didn't mean anything to me, maybe it did to him though. I'm not proud of what happened."  I agree with what you say about him thinking that she will love him this time around, and I agree that she kept him on the hook the two years we were together. I also think she is trying to do the same thing with me now, as she has contacted me directly or indirectly 6 times in the last 3 months after 4 months of NC. Prior to going NC with her back in May, I told her that I hoped she found whatever it is she's looking for. Then I plainly told her to just leave me alone. As I said, that lasted 4 months.  I'm not going to play those games with her.   

In your words, she discarded him for you.  He seems to wait.  He doesn’t seem to actually interfere.  He sees “single” status on social media and then he makes contact.

Yes, it appears that he was sitting around waiting on her. My ex actually bragged to a mutual friend of ours about 3-4 weeks after our breakup. She told our friend that she went out on a date with this guy a week prior and was also talking to several other guys. She said "they just come out of the woodwork when I'm single" then let out a big laugh. My ex told our friend she liked the attention and went out with this guy so quickly  "because I can't stand to be alone." Then she described me to our friend as a "person that won't take risks" and said that she "wasn't going to date me forever." Our mutual friend said "Seems to me that you took quite a risk on her" but unfortunately she doesn't see it that way. 

Whatever contact SHE makes while married, in relationships, that’s on HER, really.  Place blame where it lies... on HER.  THIS Guy, seems like he’s been hurting for years, and getting crumbs from her as his payoff.

I can honestly say that I have always held her accountable in this area. She has poor boundaries and a lack of respect for others. I agree that he most likely has a lot of internal pain due to his chemical dependency, etc.  I really do need to learn to forgive and forget.



You don’t need to waste your healing energy wishing him pain.  He’s likely felt plenty.

Agreed. I feel like this is the one big thing that is still holding me back preventing me from complete healing.  I'm sure he's felt plenty of pain. If he thinks he's going to find happiness and peace with her, he's mistaken. But, that is for him to figure out on his own just like it is my responsibility to get past this hang up and move on. 

[cash05458]

Brighter,

You mention in your notes: "Eventually what I had to offer wasn't good enough..."

It wasn't that what you had to offer wasn't good enough...rather, she wouldn't accept...and no one will ever have anything to offer that is "good enough" is my feeling...

[brighter future]

Brighter,

You mention in your notes: "Eventually what I had to offer wasn't good enough..."

It wasn't that what you had to offer wasn't good enough...rather, she wouldn't accept...and no one will ever have anything to offer that is "good enough" is my feeling...

Cash, my therapist and I had this conversation a few months ago. Her take on it was this: "I really believe this girl loved you in the best way that she knew how, but she is mentally ill and is not capable of healthy relationships. She had your love and support, but ultimately she didn't know what to do with it." A mutual friend of ours told me a while back that she doesn't think my ex understands what true love really is. I know in my heart that I gave her my very best, and I have no regrets in that department. I even told her that the day she crapped all over me and said she was seeing the new guy. 

Just the other day my ex's mother posted family pictures from Christmas. Her parents are my neighbors and have remained friends of mine.  There were a few pictures of my ex in there with her two children. The boyfriend was not there for whatever reason. My ex has gained an incredible amount of weight since our breakup, and she looked so tired as well. Her kids have also gained a lot of weight, and her daughter looked miserable in the photos, so much in fact that one of my ex's friends spoke up and said " ___________ looks so unhappy in these pictures." It's heartbreaking.

[cash05458]

Brighter, I understand...I can't lie to myself and say in any honest way "I hope everything works out great for her"...because to be brutally honest...I DON'T...that doesn't mean I want "bad" things to happen to her...I don't want that either...but being treated in such a way brings a natural response...how can it not? We don't tend to hope the best for those who have nearly destroyed us...I am just not that altruistic. Maybe some can be...certainly with kids one would hope...

I have started to realize that there is NEVER going to be any closure on US as a past couple (from both sides)...some of these things are simply unforgivable even if I can "understand" and have empathy for her illness...I don't see her lining up to "understand" any of my problems, even the ones she just buried me in and walked away...I don't think she could care any less to be honest.

There will prolly only be closure for myself if I am lucky and work hard enough.

[B53]

BF, Cash,

The saying goes, the best revenge is a better life.

People with untreated BPD are in constant emotional turmoil. They live in constant pain and spend their life trying to find a way to feel better. I’m not saying that is an excuse for what they do to others, because it definitely is not. You can wish them well or not wish them well, they will never find happiness without help.

It doesn’t matter if they are BPD or not, it is difficult to heal after someone violates your trust. It is probably the most hurtful thing anyone can do to another. Give yourself the same caring, kindness and understanding that you give to each other. This is not about what is lacking in you, it’s about what is lacking in them. There is no quick fix to that kind of pain.

B53

[cash05458]

Thank you for saying that B53...that was really beautiful...no, I don't want her hurt or suffering...it's not that...it's just a confused sickening feeling over how these things have happened...

[brighter future]

Thanks, B53 and Cash for your responses. The past few days have been a bit better for me. I guess the holidays and contact from her over the past few months got me stirred up a bit. As I said before, it just baffles me how I can go back and forth from being glad that she's the other guy's problem now to being resentful how things went down at the end of the relationship.

B53, you are correct. The best revenge is a better life. A month or two after our relationship ended, one of my ex's family members consoled me and said "This is just going to keep happening to her over and over again until she decides to get help for herself. Don't get all steamed up about her moving on to this guy. This is just a reflection of her unhealthy habits. She is just looking for the quickest fix." My ex got treatment for 3-4 months during our relationship then quit going. She told me the psychologist told her "You have absolutely no business being in a relationship in your state of mind." Now I grasp what the man was saying to her. Supposedly she told him that she "didn't know much but knew she loved me and  can't lose him (me)." It
 sounds like he was trying to tell her that she wasn't capable of a healthy relationship. I suspect that there were certain diagnoses  given by the psychologist that she didn't share with me, and maybe that's why she quit going.  She knew my ex-wife was pwBPD, as I had shared that with her.

Thanks again and Happy New Year to all of you.

[FrenchyGuy]

Hello BF,
I hope you're doing well with that issue, and with the Online dating

I'm dealing with the same question in my previous r/s.

I was fed up with her impulsivity and bad behavior, so I told her I am thinking seriously about divorce. 3 weeks of intermittent fights, begging, apologies, and silence have passed.
So the day I wanted to know what she felt really (I was thinking about giving a last chance) I opened her FB Messenger to read what she was telling her friends (It would have been more sincere than what she would tell me directly)
Unexpectedly, I found that conversation that SHE initiated the day before with a guy she seemed to know already, asking him if he's still single and telling him she's divorcing a guy "who is making it complicated". Then he invited her to meet and she was glad... no schedule at that specific time.

My interpretation is that guy is an old F* buddy.
I recalled at that moment, what she said to me at the begining of our r/s (about 3 months) : "If it's only about sex, I already have what I need". When she saw how I reacted to that, she took back what she said out of cowardice and conviced me after long talks that it was a misunderstanding.

I linked those two situations, even if I don't know if ther was really a guy, and if he's the same guy in this case.

So, each time I think about that, and if my interpretation is right (with a BPD we have to make the questions and answers for ourselves),
I feel somehow jealous of this guy being to some extent "favourite", getting only the good part of her, and wonder how they managed to keep this link without all the damages we know a pwBPD can cause.
Then I question the real interest she had towards me. Was it a genuine interest (she's the one who came to me)? or was I just a potential "husband material" more than this guy (supposing she was seeing that guy when she met me, what is not told in her "official story" 'cause she was dating another guy that she left weeks before meeting me).
When I remember what she was doing to get me during almost 2 years, I can't believe it wasn't genuine. Many little unnecessary act of love towards me overtime tell me she was head over heels. I could still sense it (even knowing the unhealthy way a BPD loves, but it was there). She also enjoyed sex with me (she can't fake that much over 4 years of r/s).

Why this guy? why not a new one (It could have been a little bit less worse maybe). is it familiarity and easy choice? or some special connection kept hidden in her mind?


I left the house 1 hour after reading this.
according to her, when I confronted her, she never met this guy since I left. He's just a guy that she met at a friend's place, and she wanted to talk with someone, and FB Messenger suggests on its own friends of friends to talk with unbelievable when the pwBPD wants to invent facts.

[khibomsis]

I am there all the time. I sit exactly between relief at thinking let Miss Triangle take care of my expwBPD and fury that they should be mixing again. It is totally unreasonable since I was in support of the breakup.

There is not a doubt that they will crash and burn since the pwBPD remains BPD.  Even though she is now in therapy and improving every day, I don't see MT doing the work it takes to be supportive. She is even more psychotic and narcissistic with a goodly load of PTSD thrown in. Shame, it is just crazyland with bananas when the two of them get together. I am well out of the triangle. Yet I still feel rage.

I tell myself it is just emotions, they don't have to be logical and allow myself to feel them. Hard work but good for the soul.

Totally in agreement with the sentiment that the best revenge is to live a totally fantastic life regardless  

[once removed]

i think the hard truth is that she jumps into relationships impulsively and avoids grieving.

she did it after her divorce. she probably downplayed their relationship.

she did it, on some level, with you, after their relationship.

she did it after you, with the same relationship.

i really dont mean to sound cold about it, far from it. i realized after my relationship ended that there was way more to the relationship before it. the guy didnt even realize they were broken up. she just cut him off and jumped into things with me. when we got together, my ex also mentioned what she described as a brief, 3 month or so sexual fling. by the end of our relationship, really strange things were going on with him, like him "suddenly" texting her out of the blue, her freaking out, warning me he may be on his way to her place(?), and me noticing that she deleted their entire text thread.

i also dont mean to suggest this is any kind of norm, i just see some similarities between your experience and mine.

the article here on surviving a breakup states "you were special, but not that special". that was something that was enormously challenging for me. i was her longest relationship. we were together just shy of three years. we shared many firsts, so many memories, we were close friends for three years before that, she was (by far) my longest relationship, and what about all of the things she said about how special i was?

our exes loved us the best they could. they also overstated their affections (and their criticisms), they also said and did some really lousy things.

i suppose that what im getting at is that i think i get why this hurts in the way that it does, and why it lingers. you feel cheated by her actions, and by his. you feel cheated that they are now together. it may suggest to you, on some level, that you werent special. if they succeed, ditto. i think you were, and you werent. 

and if im right, and i dont presume to be, then letting go, working past this wound, is really about cold, hard, perspective, that will sting at first, and then, ultimately, free you.

[FrenchyGuy]

i think the hard truth is that she jumps into relationships impulsively and avoids grieving.

she did it after her divorce. she probably downplayed their relationship.

she did it, on some level, with you, after their relationship.

she did it after you, with the same relationship.

i really dont mean to sound cold about it, far from it. i realized after my relationship ended that there was way more to the relationship before it. the guy didnt even realize they were broken up. she just cut him off and jumped into things with me. when we got together, my ex also mentioned what she described as a brief, 3 month or so sexual fling. by the end of our relationship, really strange things were going on with him, like him "suddenly" texting her out of the blue, her freaking out, warning me he may be on his way to her place(?), and me noticing that she deleted their entire text thread.

i also dont mean to suggest this is any kind of norm, i just see some similarities between your experience and mine.

the article here on surviving a breakup states "you were special, but not that special". that was something that was enormously challenging for me. i was her longest relationship. we were together just shy of three years. we shared many firsts, so many memories, we were close friends for three years before that, she was (by far) my longest relationship, and what about all of the things she said about how special i was?

our exes loved us the best they could. they also overstated their affections (and their criticisms), they also said and did some really lousy things.

i suppose that what im getting at is that i think i get why this hurts in the way that it does, and why it lingers. you feel cheated by her actions, and by his. you feel cheated that they are now together. it may suggest to you, on some level, that you werent special. if they succeed, ditto. i think you were, and you werent.  

and if im right, and i dont presume to be, then letting go, working past this wound, is really about cold, hard, perspective, that will sting at first, and then, ultimately, free you.

Thanks for your feedback.
For the letting go, I think I'm doing good as I always did before meeting this ex. It's been 14 months that I've talked to her/seen the last time. Neither Social N, photos nor anything else.
No Contact is kinda innate in me, no matter how I feel.

The thing is that she didn't do it "after the divorce" I was still home, nothing was officially over (the worst part is I was thinking about giving her a last chance If I was sure she regreted sincerly her former acts, hence why I checked her Messenger history).
And once I left, she reached out and manipulated me with horrendous lies (pregnancy...).
If she was interested in a real R/S with this guy (or maybe others she could've contacted since, who knows! I wasn't there to check)  she wouldn't have tried to manipulate me (or at least make me believe she wanted me back) she would have rather forgot about me and got with him/another.

That's why I said this guy is getting only the good part (whenever she wants sex maybe) and that's so disappointing to me regarding the type of person I thought she was.

She knew how I would've reacted. She also knew that this kind of r/s sounds promiscuous. So if it's really what was going on when we met, she wouldn't have told me anyway. I'm basing my guess on that sentence she said at the begining, and on my guts. that's why I think she might have cheated also during the r/s (perhaps with the same guy) and hid it well.

It will be always complicated as we are building our reasoning on a house of cards, that can fall apart if truths were revealed to be different from what we think. We have to guess some answers based on little evidences and our guts.

The whole story is here, but I believe it's a long text to read. So I posted a summarized reply.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348464.0
I hope s.o could give me any external vision of this whole story.

[Goosey]

The grief is the hardest.
I admit I’m stuck in it.
It’s illogical how I feel. But I’ve read I can be illogical.
What I do read is that I am “stuck” and will need to follow some steps to try to move on.  A journal is recommended. It will be hard to admit my failures as a partner. I can already feel myself getting defensive, and I haven’t even written a word haha! 
 

[Goosey]

i think the hard truth is that she jumps into relationships impulsively and avoids grieving.

she did it after her divorce. she probably downplayed their relationship.

she did it, on some level, with you, after their relationship.

she did it after you, with the same relationship.

i really dont mean to sound cold about it, far from it. i realized after my relationship ended that there was way more to the relationship before it. the guy didnt even realize they were broken up. she just cut him off and jumped into things with me. when we got together, my ex also mentioned what she described as a brief, 3 month or so sexual fling. by the end of our relationship, really strange things were going on with him, like him "suddenly" texting her out of the blue, her freaking out, warning me he may be on his way to her place(?), and me noticing that she deleted their entire text thread.

i also dont mean to suggest this is any kind of norm, i just see some similarities between your experience and mine.

the article here on surviving a breakup states "you were special, but not that special". that was something that was enormously challenging for me. i was her longest relationship. we were together just shy of three years. we shared many firsts, so many memories, we were close friends for three years before that, she was (by far) my longest relationship, and what about all of the things she said about how special i was?

our exes loved us the best they could. they also overstated their affections (and their criticisms), they also said and did some really lousy things.

i suppose that what im getting at is that i think i get why this hurts in the way that it does, and why it lingers. you feel cheated by her actions, and by his. you feel cheated that they are now together. it may suggest to you, on some level, that you werent special. if they succeed, ditto. i think you were, and you werent. 

and if im right, and i dont presume to be, then letting go, working past this wound, is really about cold, hard, perspective, that will sting at first, and then, ultimately, free you.

[Goosey]

I managed to excerpt the entire post haha but really wanted to say I agree with the thought of being told how special we where to them. I got that same treatment. I guess that’s what I miss. Even though awful things where done I was told how much I was needed to hold her together. And then disposed and vilified. I know it’s part of the pattern. It just illogically hurts.

[Shaken54]

I can understand your feelings about that guy hanging around, I would feel the same way but I think most of this should directed at your ex she makes the decision to keep in contact with this guy. She knows you are in a relationship but chooses to engage with him instead of nc with him.

If your ex is anything like mine she lies so much I dont know what's true or not, so who knows what she has been telling this guy.
I hope you find peace with this, I know its a work in progress for me I have never been so hurt before and I hope this is my last person with mental illness.

[brighter future]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. At the time I created this thread about 2 months ago, I was having a tough time, but things have gotten much better since the middle of January. I guess having to go through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without her was tough. Even though our relationship was up and down for the majority of the time with her emotional issues, the holidays were always usually happy times for us and our children from previous marriages.  I haven't received any visits, text messages, or social media pings from her through mutual friends in a little over a month now, so that's good.

In about six weeks, it will be a year since we split for good. About a month after our split (even though she hooked up with him right after or maybe even before we split), she professed her love for this guy on social media. When that happened, my aunt commented on her post and said "What the hell? That didn't take you very long!" My ex promptly deleted my aunt's post, then the conflict  spilled over into private messages. Looking back, I wish my aunt would have just stayed out of it even though she was just looking out for me. My aunt told my ex, "Does your new man realize this is the second time you've used him as a rebound relationship (after her husband and after me)?"  My ex's reply was "_____________ and I broke up MONTHS ago (actually 4-5 weeks). So yes, I'm dating again. I don't want to be alone and miserable."

I removed her from my social media right before all of that happened, so I can no longer see her posts. There was a period of time last Fall where she relaxed her privacy settings. My guess is that she did this for my benefit as well as her ex-husband's. I spoke with a mutual friend of hers and mine two weeks ago. Towards the end of the conversation, the friend told me that my ex was celebrating her 10 month anniversary with a photo and a post on Facebook. I had to laugh at that because our split occurred 10 months ago at that time. So, that just proved her relationships with me and him either overlapped or were back to back. She also told this mutual friend that she was talking to 3 or 4 other guys in addition to the rebound guy after our split.  Of course, she tried to lead my aunt to believe that she'd been broken up with me "for months" before she hooked up with this guy.

I think I stated this in another post somewhere, but my ex and her young son have come to blows and can't get along. She told our mutual friend that she can no longer control him and that she's sending him to live with his father and stepmother roughly an hour away. She will only see him every other weekend now. The friend said she looks horrible and believes if her life was as wonderful as she says it is (with the new man), she wouldn't look or behave the way she does.

I'm just hoping and praying that one day I will have a wonderful, healthy relationship filled with mutual respect and trust. All I want is someone to love me for me and not their need of me.

[once removed]

some months after we broke up, i chatted with a couple of girls that were, by far, my exes friends, and not mine. friendly, but not even approaching "mutual friends"; except that things had gone really weird since we broke up, and shed burned bridges with them.

they all volunteered to me that they thought our breakup was very sudden news, that they thought it was strange that my ex moved on so quickly, and that they all noticed the new guy looked just like me. they also volunteered that they knew my ex knew too.

im sure your ex was self conscious about it. for someone with bpd traits, being called out about that sort of thing will tend to invoke a pretty hostile response precisely for that reason.

i wont sit here and tell you that their relationship wont work out; not only because i dont know that, but hey, my exes new relationship lasted longer than her relationship with me.

i will say that i think theres a value in recognizing how she coped with the breakup very differently than you. it speaks to values, it speaks to compatibility, and it speaks to weakness. let it.

[brighter future]

some months after we broke up, i chatted with a couple of girls that were, by far, my exes friends, and not mine. friendly, but not even approaching "mutual friends"; except that things had gone really weird since we broke up, and shed burned bridges with them.

they all volunteered to me that they thought our breakup was very sudden news, that they thought it was strange that my ex moved on so quickly, and that they all noticed the new guy looked just like me. they also volunteered that they knew my ex knew too.

im sure your ex was self conscious about it. for someone with bpd traits, being called out about that sort of thing will tend to invoke a pretty hostile response precisely for that reason.

i wont sit here and tell you that their relationship wont work out; not only because i dont know that, but hey, my exes new relationship lasted longer than her relationship with me.

i will say that i think theres a value in recognizing how she coped with the breakup very differently than you. it speaks to values, it speaks to compatibility, and it speaks to weakness. let it.

Thanks for your most recent reply, once removed. It is greatly appreciated. There's several similarities between how both of our relationships ended with our exes.

In about 5 weeks, it will be one year since things officially ended with her and I. I've got the one year anniversary of the breakup running through my mind a bit, but my thoughts about that are not consuming me by any means.  Interestingly enough, she told me I was her longest running non-marital relationship during her adulthood years (just shy of two years). According to her, all of the men she dated in early adulthood prior to getting married only lasted a matter of weeks or a few short months. Once she stated to me, "Every decent man I've ever dated has always left me." She was married to her husband for almost 9 years before she left him. He is a decent guy, but has pretty significant issues with depression, ADHD and is an impulsive buyer, which has lead to financial issues. Ironically, she dated her current man's identical twin brother in high school. That relationship lasted close to two years and ended before she graduated high school even though they hooked up for sex once about two years after graduating. One other member here on the forum said he believes that the more disordered her new man is, the longer the relationship will last. He has substance abuse issues, two failed marriages, and got out of inpatient treatment 8 or 9 months before he hooked up with my ex for the second time. If I were him, I wouldn't be so inclined to pursue her again after what happened the last time with her (the abrupt discard and then on to me). Apparently that isn't an issue for him. It would be for me, however.

Just after our breakup, I heard from her parents (by text from her mother and a in person visit from her father). Both stated to me that they hoped we could work things out, and they both told me that loved me. That meant a lot. I recall her mother telling me that "_________ couldn't have survived the last couple of years without you. Her dad and I had hoped you could work things out." Her father told me it was really none of his business but wondered what happened. I told him that I couldn't follow through with a marriage proposal until she faced her emotional issues  that haunt her and said that I learned this from my last marriage. I just didn't want to repeat the same mistakes again. I told him that it was her decision to end the relationship because she was tired of waiting on me to propose to her.  He acknowledged her issues and said "she has lots of baggage, more than the average person" and told me that I didn't do anything wrong by wanting to wait. All of her siblings and some extended family members still talk to me and treat me well. They were all shocked and disappointed at the way she ended things and moved on so quickly. One of them said to her, "Maybe you two can get back together some day." According to them, her reply was, "Yeah, maybe. I don't know."

I found this statement from you to be very meaningful: "i will say that i think theres a value in recognizing how she coped with the breakup very differently than you. it speaks to values, it speaks to compatibility, and it speaks to weakness. let it."  This breakup was difficult and took a long time for me to get over due to the lack of closure from her. I couldn't understand how someone that could say "you're the man of my dreams", "I would do anything to be married to you", "I've never felt this way before" There are so many firsts for me with you", etc. right up until the very end. When I asked her how that changed so quickly, she could not give me any answers other than "I don't have the energy for that. I can't answer any questions." Just a few days before the hookup with this guy, I got a text from her at 3:00 am wanting to talk and stated "I miss you so much."   Going back to your statement, the day she hooked up with her rebound guy and had the audacity to rub it in my face, that spoke volumes to me. I had a tough time figuring everything else out except for that. When she did that so quickly, it was clear to me that she did not value our relationship the way I did. I actually told her that the last time we spoke at length, and she never really replied to what I said.

About 2.5 months into our relationship, she'd met a couple of my friends. They said she seems like a sweet girl, and I passed their compliment along to my ex shortly after. Her reply was, "They shouldn't get their hopes up. Most people, once they get to know me after a while, end up not liking me." I thought that was a bit odd, and she seemed serious when she said that to me. She made other similar comments to me throughout our relationship. Like my T and another friend said, "When someone tells you who they are the first time, believe them." Next time, I will pay closer attention to red flags like that.

[once removed]

I found this statement from you to be very meaningful:

for the most part, im not super into comparing ourselves to our exes in the aftermath. it isnt a contest, and besides, its over.

but it ended for reasons, and those reasons tend to involve values and compatibility. and examining that is essential to detaching, and how two different people approach detaching tends to speak volumes to who they are.

to find what your ex did appalling, to be shocked by it, to recognize that it is a very different style than yours, and to look at that in broader terms about how the two of you approached your relationship, and life in general, is worthwhile, and will help you detach in a balanced way.

its kind of like the nasty things my ex would say. its not that im a better person than her. and in fact, believe me, i said my share of nasty, regrettable things. but at some point in our relationship, i realized i would never want to raise a child(ren) that would ever be exposed to the kinds of fights we had. hell, i dont know that she disagreed, but the two of us didnt seem to be able to do better.

i also thought the way that my ex jumped into a new relationship was dramatic and showy, and not my style at all, and character matters when it comes to a life partner. i dont mean to be super self righteous about it. i dont know if i can say for sure that i matter of factly wouldnt have gotten into another relationship. i can say i had the chance and didnt take it, for what thats worth.

bear with me, i have probably touched on this before, but there are lessons to be learned from this dynamic where you wanted to be with her, but werent prepared to marry her. i felt the same way. i stayed, with the hope that it would get better, and quite frankly, without the know how to make it so, or even realize that it wouldnt.

i think my ex felt that on some level. yours clearly did, expressly. and in some ways, you may have both bargained with that prospect.

in my case, neither my ex nor i had the guts to end it. so i emotionally and physically abandoned the relationship, and she not only found another, but probably cheated many times. and yet not only was i shocked, but i couldnt accept it when people gently tried to point that out to me at the time.

the point of values, the point of that compatibility, is to see when a relationship is at a dead end. when youre at the point of "i love her, i wish it would get better, but i cant give that level of commitment until that happens", and the other person is at the point of "he doesnt really love me if he cant give me that level of commitment, and therefore im going to keep pushing for it", sadly, youre at that dead end. its not unlike a story i read recently, of a very loving, close, committed, and healthy couple, where one wanted children and the other didnt. it eventually broke them up.

thats not to say you should have known. its not to say what she did wasnt weak.

its to say that when/as the pain subsides, there is so much that you can learn from the experience to go on to have better, healthier relationships.

[brighter future]

bear with me, i have probably touched on this before, but there are lessons to be learned from this dynamic where you wanted to be with her, but werent prepared to marry her. i felt the same way. i stayed, with the hope that it would get better, and quite frankly, without the know how to make it so, or even realize that it wouldnt.

i think my ex felt that on some level. yours clearly did, expressly. and in some ways, you may have both bargained with that prospect.

in my case, neither my ex nor i had the guts to end it. so i emotionally and physically abandoned the relationship, and she not only found another, but probably cheated many times. and yet not only was i shocked, but i couldnt accept it when people gently tried to point that out to me at the time.


its to say that when/as the pain subsides, there is so much that you can learn from the experience to go on to have better, healthier relationships.

I learned some very valuable lessons from this relationship without a doubt. You are correct in that I did stay with her hoping that it would get better. In the 3-4 months leading to the breakup, she told me several times that her mental health was greatly suffering and that she needed to seek professional help. It was my hope that since she acknowledged the issues, she'd eventually seek help. Her last cry for professional help was roughly 2-3 weeks before the breakup. Once again, I gave her phone #'s and the names of some counselors. At the time of the breakup, she told me: "I don't need a counselor, counselors don't work for me. I'm fine, and this is just the way I am."  Shortly after that, I recalled the time she told me this maybe a year earlier: "I'm terrified that one of these days I'm just going to shut down on you and walk away, and you won't be able to bring me back." It's like she was predicting the future.

When I would start to second guess things, she'd tell me things like "You've shown me more love than any other human being has, including my own parents." Statements like that would always reel me back in. She told me multiple times, "Please don't ever leave me. I'm afraid you're going to get fed up with my craziness and just leave one day."  I honestly believe if I didn't go through what I did with my ex-wife, I would have married my ex-g/f. Both of her children have deep seeded emotional issues, so not only would I have had her issues on my plate, I would have had the children's issues on my plate as well.

What you said about values is absolutely true. It's so obvious now that she and I were on different pages, especially at the end of the relationship. When she left her husband, she was fooling around with the guy she's with now and was also talking to 3 other men. Her ex-husband caught her talking to at least two of these men while they were married.  After our relationship (and probably during to some extent) she resumed this behavior according to mutual friends. Funny thing is, when we hooked up she told me about this and said that it was not right and that "it's not the person I want to be." But, apparently this is the person she really is. I guess when she's with this guy, she feels like she can be herself. As long as he's Ok with that, maybe they're a better match than she and I were.

Thanks again, once!

[iluminati]

That he was willing to hang around after a situation like that is on him, not you.  The thing in those situations is if it wasn't him, it would be someone else.  Your exwBPD seems to be on the monkey branch program.  I wouldn't say don't be mad at your exw, but past that, there's no one else to be mad at.  She is who she is, and the best way to deal is to accept it.

[AYG]

My experience w an uBPD extremely attractive model type is they are hyper sexual in every way imaginable and they act like you are the first and only one they’ve ever been that way with- Lies and more lies my friend. They have done it ALL WITH MANY.
Many of these uBPDs have genital rings and will do absolutely anything to get them off sexually over n over: nothing is off the record and they thrive on making each person they are with feel like you are so special and the only one who can truly satisfy their sex needs: many are truly like a porn star, beware- you are on of MANY THAT THEY HAVE MADE FEEL THIS WAY,

 

[brighter future]

That he was willing to hang around after a situation like that is on him, not you.  The thing in those situations is if it wasn't him, it would be someone else.  Your exwBPD seems to be on the monkey branch program.  I wouldn't say don't be mad at your exw, but past that, there's no one else to be mad at.  She is who she is, and the best way to deal is to accept it.

I agree, iluminati. If it wasn't him, it would definitely be someone else.  When she was messing around with this guy before she was with me, she was also talking to 3 other guys. She admitted this to me saying how wrong it was and that it wasn't who she wanted to be.  One of them she was sexting with. He is a former school classmate just like the other guy.  It's my guess that she would have been in bed with him as well if he didn't relocate to a city over 2,000 miles away. Supposedly, this guy was her hookup/rebound in high school and into adulthood before she got married. Her ex-husband caught her talking to him when they were still married. A family member of hers told me that after our breakup. This guy is married like she was, so that made it even worse.

I'm sure you've heard the old saying "When people tell you who they are the first time, believe them."  I take that seriously, especially after that ordeal with her. More than likely her new man isn't the only one she's talking to at this time if you look at her past relationships.  Since he's come back for round two, either he doesn't realize that, or he doesn't care. Not my problem any longer.

[brighter future]

My experience w an uBPD extremely attractive model type is they are hyper sexual in every way imaginable and they act like you are the first and only one they’ve ever been that way with- Lies and more lies my friend. They have done it ALL WITH MANY.
Many of these uBPDs have genital rings and will do absolutely anything to get them off sexually over n over: nothing is off the record and they thrive on making each person they are with feel like you are so special and the only one who can truly satisfy their sex needs: many are truly like a porn star, beware- you are on of MANY THAT THEY HAVE MADE FEEL THIS WAY,

 

She told me on a few occasions that she thought she had a sex addiction and also told me several times that she "didn't want our relationship to be like the others" where she used sex to soothe herself from all of the internal pain that she felt. I'd say close to half of the time, she was fairly self-aware and  and knew she had issues and why she behaved the way she did. The rest of the time, she was almost completely in denial.

She said that each and every time she was with me intimately was because she loved me and that she "wanted to keep it that way." Maybe she really meant that, maybe she didn't. Maybe she just meant it only in that moment like most Borderlines do. There's no way of knowing either way, and it really doesn't matter anymore when it comes down to it.

Thanks for your reply.

[cash05458]

Brighter my friend...no, it Doesn't really matter either way...as for the truth of their words...look , think of it this way...whether it is talking about how much they love us, or the other...or how important we or the other is said to be...or vital...or made to feel as the "only" one...it isn't surprising they do this with sex as well...sex via BDP's...or many of them anyhow is the arena they play their traumas out in...in that sense, it becomes as meaningless as anything else in the dynamic...the point is stop believing...