Lonely aging mom

[RosadeFrancia]

Hi. I am new to this forum. I have an 87-year old mother with BPD. Always been a challenge. I try to understand and remain present. She alienates everyone. We have just moved her, at her request and at great expense, to an independent living facility in Boca Raton, FL. She already doesn't like it. Any day now she will start criticizing me for not visiting more often (I live in Arizona and am staying put until Covid 19 is under control.) I don't want to get angry or feel threatened when the other shoe drops, but I want to support her fear and loneliness.  She is surrounded by people, but it's me she wants. Advice?

[madeline7]

Welcome. I have to be quick but wanted to say I can relate as I have an elderly uBPDm, who went from independent living to assisted living  at her request and is unhappy there. When me and my siblings were visiting her 5-6 times a week, she said it wasn't enough. I spoke with several Social Workers and Care Managers, one said no matter how much you do it will never be enough and would not take her case on and another did but was promptly fired by my Mom who still has capacity. When it was clear she needed a caregiver just to help with errands, she refused sayong she has children and that's what they are there for. But 6 days a week wasn't enough...argghh
She is now is assisted living, is miserable (has been her entire life), but is being cared for, has meals and medication. I am sheltering so won't see her but also can't as the community will not allow visitors at this time. It is a struggle for me, trying to stay compassionate but very weary on the toll this entire lifetime of emotional abuse has had on me, and especially now as she is truly more isolated and lonely. Sending hugs to you.

[Methuen]

I am sorry for the strife you are experiencing with your mother.  I must admit I am envious your mother asked to be transfered to assisted living.  That is my dream.  Be thankful
As to advice for your situation, there is little you can do in all  likelihood.  She is making you responsible for her feelings.  Anything you try wont be enough in quantity, or wont be good enough.  What she wants is probably to live with you and be taken care of, which isn’t possible and would destroy your life. Its even possible that the harder you try to support her now, the worse she becomes.  They tend to get into our heads with the crazymaking. This is my experience.  The best advice I can give is to figure out how to regulate yourself when she sends all those disturbing messages.  I’m guessing they come rapidfire?  Radically accept that the crazymaking will never end, and instead focus on your own distress tolerance.  This is where I am at with my mother who refuses to even consider assisted living even though she qualified 2 years ago and is now a train wreck with a broken arm inside her own home ( and unable to use her walker).The disease is insideous.  I am so happy for you that she’s in assisted living.