trying to help my son

[fortitude]

My son who is 23 may have BPD.
I have not quit my job but am taking time off - for months maybe ( I can afford to do it for a few months )- to be available 24/7, when he calls me or to be with him if he needs me. I work long hours and  feel ' rushed' when he calls me while I am at work
He is impulsive at times and talking to me or my wife helps him vent. His emotions are labile and I want to have the time to take him out for a drive or just keep talking to him to distract him when he has negative emotions.
If he has no one to talk to, I'm afraid he will keep dwelling on negative thoughts.
And we are afraid he might do something reckless.
Often, all we do is just listen and that sometimes helps.
His struggles began in middle school- we took him to  psychiatrists, psychologists-
He lost trust in them because he thinks he was misdiagnosed.
' Dad ,I was not depressed.It was ' circumstances"- it was my" life'- they didn't get it."
I am hoping that my being available will help him although I don't know where the end point is.
Are there other parents like me , who had to quit work since taking care of their child became so consuming , since they felt they had to be available ?

If I take too much time off, it will affect my career. I can always find another job. What is the use of working all that much,  if I cannot rescue my child and try to help him be healthy ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AnotherMother]

It sounds like you are a father who loves his son very, very much. There are so many kids (23 is still a kid in my book!) out there who would give their left arm for a parent that loved them that much.
I also have a BPD child (19yo) who has struggled with mental illness since she was very young. This kind of parenting is not for the faint hearted!

Working in mental health and having a BPD child, there are two things that I have learned. First, no matter how much we love someone, we can never protect them from themselves. That doesn't mean we don't help our children when they need us, it just means that we know that no matter how hard we try, we can never shield our children from life. With a BPD child, that can be a heart-wrenching prospect - but that doesn't mean we just walk away. To help our children, we learn to help ourselves and them in a way that they understand and from which they can create a life of meaning and purpose.
Second, good boundaries not only help us understand ourselves better - they help our children understand themselves better too. I have struggled with (and will always find challenge in) having clear, loving boundaries with my daughter. In many ways she is very childlike and in other ways she is very independent and determined. When I swoop in to save the day, not only do I fool myself into thinking my motives are pure (when much of my rescuing was to help alleviate my feelings of anxiety) but I confuse and invalidate my daughter. She needs to know where she begins and ends too. And, as much as it pains me to say it, for a long time I didn't give her the opportunity to be her own person and learn the way she needed to...I was too scared to allow that.

That being said, in addition to being the mother of a BPDD, I also work in mental health. I believe that just like families learn how to function in a crisis together, they can also learn to get well and grow together. A good counselor or therapist will encourage your son to learn how to express himself, take part in life management skill development, provide DBT/CBT to teach him emotional regulation tools, and help you learn how to be the parent your son needs...while you learn to be you.

The most important factors in recovery are a willingness to change and family support. And, it sounds like your son has hit the jackpot when it comes to being loved!

[losttrust]

You sound like a wonderful human and loving father.  My son 24 has said similar things.  He too lacks trust due to the rule it out method of medicine trials.  He’s tried desperately to do normal life. Apartment and jobs. But eventually his BPD wear out others or excuses and lies lead to his parting ways with roommates and employers. This leads to his Feeling abandoned and misunderstood . He’s been suicidal in the prior year which has been terrifying   I’ve taken time off work too.  Lost promotions. And much of my retirement funds have gone to his support and physical damage repairs, ocd water damage, countless iPhones speeding tickets, parking tickets and court leading to SR1 insurance.  I found the book “stop walking on eggshells”  -and seeking Therapy for both of us.  Setting boundaries was the changing point. I now can sleep at night which allows me a clearer head.   All remains a work in process. We now are hoping for residential treatment  this March if a bed, and insurance align. Hope you gain some insight here. It’s been very helpful to me.