Parallel parenting vs Co-Parenting. Seeking Advice

[Meandmytwins]

Hi all.  It’s been 2 years since I divorced my BPD ex-wife.  Miraculously, we were able to mediate our settlement and avoid the courts.  Although we had 2 lawyers, a mediator and her therapist present throughout the process.  We have joint custody of our 3rd grade twins and use a 2:2:5 schedule.   Our kids are improving socially, academically and also starting to gain more confidence.  They are really good kids, but they constantly struggle with my ex.  She does not really help them w their homework, or help facilitate their social needs  She mostly acts as proctor, or babysitter rather than give them the love and attention they need.  Essentially, she prioritizes her needs over the kids, most of the time.  I hear stories about the kids getting lost at large department stores for considerable amounts of time, being shuffled to mommy’s office or her boyfriends house during the week.  It’s loud, they don’t have the materials or adequate space needed to do their school work.
Frequently, the kids miss assignments while in her care, or the work is partially complete, or just really sloppy.  They often transition to me w/o their lunchboxes, or they are missing their winter coats, or not wearing socks and underwear.  There is always something missing nearly every week.   My ex refuses to communicate outside of Our Family Wizard (except when it suits her), but her response time in OFW is disastrous.  Weeks go by with no responses back about communicating schedules, or Drs appointments for the kids.  I am left completely up to my own devices and never sure if I can book a vacation bc she may come back in a month to tell me she has a conflict.  I am resigning to the possibility that I should stop trying to co-parent, and move strictly to parallel parenting.  It feels like a sad and tough choice, and not ideal for the kids but I’m tired of trying to get my BPD ex wife to love and parent her kids.  It will prob never happen and I’m wasting energy at this point. 

Appreciate any comments, guidance, suggestions.  Ty. 

[ForeverDad]

My custody evaluator advocated for that 2:2:5 schedule when we were at the end of the divorce case on Trial Day.  I chose Wed-Thu overnights so Ex got Mon-Tue overnights.  I chose that so that - in theory - I could ensure compliance with any school assignments due at the end of the week.  In practice, that goal was only partially successful.  But better than sitting back and letting it happen.

Sadly, co-parenting isn't practical since you're more likely to get obstruction than cooperation.  My CE, a child psychologist with the trust of the court, used the phrase tag team parenting rather than parallel parenting.

Minutes before my Trial Day started at court I was informed she finally, after some two years obstructing and sabotaging, was ready to settle.  Both sides expected a settlement to accept the CE's recommendation for equal time parenting.  However, I had one term to make or break the settlement... that I would be the Primary Parent for school purposes.  My ex and her lawyer (and mine too!) had assumed she would retain primacy at school, despite both lawyers knowing she was a problem parent.  Yes, even my lawyer said who was Primary Parent at school didn't make a difference!  I held firm and got it.

Since the final decree was issued 3 months before the end of the school year, I asked her school to allow our child to remain there in kindergarten for the remainder of the school year.  About 1.5 months later her school gave me one day to enroll him in my own school district, she had caused incidents there.  The fact was that they would have suffered silently if she had retained the official contact and primacy.  But she didn't and they dumped their problems with her onto my school.

[kells76]

I am left completely up to my own devices and never sure if I can book a vacation bc she may come back in a month to tell me she has a conflict.

Quick thought here:

If she's anything like my DH's kids' mom, this may trigger her (though what doesn't  ), but it's very effective.

Try rephrasing scheduling stuff as "decide and inform" versus "ask and wait".

Ask and wait (plus some overinforming, for example): "Hey Kids' Mom, I want to do a vacation with them August 10th-17th this year. It's to the lake to see their cousins, and they really want to go. Does that work for you?"

And then you wait... and wait... and wait... and when it's time to go, she "forgot" and "already made plans" and also, somehow, "they told me they don't want to go". She makes you the bad guy.

Decide and inform (with minimal overinforming a.k.a a smaller target): "Hey Kids' Mom, the kids and I are going on vacation from August 10th-17th this year. If I don't hear feedback from you via OFW by 5pm Friday, I'll assume we're good to go. Best; MAMT."

Notice: you don't have to pester her or rely on her feedback to make your plans. Her non-response is a response that says "sounds great to me!". Plus, instead of "widening the target" by showing her how much the kids want to go, you "minimize the target" and don't try to convince her to work together for what the kids want. It's not effective to try to show a BPD that the kids want to do something with you.

I strongly encourage you to give this a shot in all your interactions with her! It puts the responsibility back on her and frees you to move on with your life.

Hope this helps;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

You can ask for a day to be traded.  You can ask whether the other parent can take the kids to the dentist appointment.  But you do not ask for permission to take the kids on vacation with you.  (Some places call them "time away" rather than vacations.)

Why not ask?  Because if you look at your county's guidelines or the terms of your parenting order, it's a "vacation notice" that you send her either a certain number of days in advance or at certain threshold dates during the year.  It's a notice, not a request.  Unless there is a major flaw in your plans, she has no choice but to comply.  And if you both want the same dates or they overlap, whoever sent the notice first gets the vacation.

Here's the priority of these events unless you both agree otherwise:

High Priority:  Holidays and similar events listed in your order or the county's default list.  Typically this includes the children's birthdays but not the parent's birthdays.  You two can agree to expand or reduce that list.  For example, you may want to include the grandparents' anniversaries or other predictable events.

Medium Priority:  Vacations and time away with either parent.  Typically counties allot 2 or 3 weeks annually with each parent.  Some counties like mine limit vacations to one or two weeks at a time.  Again, unless the parents agree (in writing!) to make a one-time exception.

Lower Priority:  The regular parenting schedule.

The benefit of having these rules ("Boundaries") in place is to limit the chaos and obstruction one parent can create.  Your disordered ex-spouse may believe she has the authority and tells you what to do, but court is The Real Authority.  Let court support you as father and parent.

Just a reminder.  Giving in to the ex can create additional problems.  While you can allow exceptions, beware that doing so can encourage the other to feel entitled to more and more exceptions.

[worriedStepmom]

When dealing with disordered coparent, it's crucial to follow the parenting order as closely as possible.  Does it say that you have to ask permission for your vacation days, or that you have to choose and inform her by X date?  Ours say we choose and let the other parent know. 

Otherwise, I deal with ALL questions the way kells recommended - with a deadline and information about what I will do if I don't get a response.

"Kid1 wants to play soccer.  Games will be on weekends at set time.  Let me know by X date if you have any issues with it.  If I don't hear from you by then, I will sign her up."
"Kid2 has a dentist appointment at XYZ.  Let me know by A date if you want to take him.  If I don't hear from you by then, I will take him."

This is still an attempt to coparent.  You are asking for involvement and input, but you are no longer allowing your ex the control to derail everything by refusing to communicate.  It is your ex's CHOICE whether to coparent or not.  Make sure to give at least 48 hours' notice when possible, but if she hasn't logged on, that's her problem.

My ex is not disordered but goes through phases where he just doesn't communicate.  Changing to this method of communication has saved me a lot of frustration, made sure our kids get what they need/want, and still gives him a chance to participate, so he's happy.