Adult daughter of BPD mother

[HappyToHeal]

Greetings,

I am a 40 y/o adult daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mother. I have come to understand more about this disorder in recent years after I realized that my mother suffers from it.

I hope to learn more about the following:
--Whether and how to have a relationship with my mother
--Whether and how to guide my mother to treatment
--How to be at peace (not feel fear, obligation, guilt) with my complex feelings for my mother
--Personal challenges specific to children of BPD parents (particularly daughters of BPD mothers) and how to find self-improvement and self-care techniques that work for me

[beatricex]

hi Happytoheal,

Glad you are here.  welcome

One of the toughest personal challenges I think I have faced is trying not to dissociate, to be more present.  Trying to stay with the difficult feelings, and not immediately get rid of them.

I hope you will share more.
 
b

[PearlsBefore]

The good news is that BPD in (at least) females typically lessens in intensity as they age - so the rockiness you may remember from your youth is likely to have largely passed away. She'll likely still have the issue of lacking identity, paranoid about abandonment issues, inability to think beyond today/herself...but with less cursing and throwing about of things. I've known very few people in my life that I would advise to go NC on their mentally ill mother...so chances are, I'd recommend maintaining some form of relationship.

Biggest challenge of children of BPD parents is that the villainized child is likely to develop BPD traits themselves - if you were the favoured child though, good news for you!

One tip that's proven useful to me over the years is to visualise the pwBPD at those "most difficult moments" as though they were in a hospital gown - recognize that like Alzheimers, Dementia or Schizophrenia...they're not fully cognizant or in control of their words and actions. Don't take things too personally, remain as calm and detached as you're able.

[Methuen]

The good news is that BPD in (at least) females typically lessens in intensity as they age - so the rockiness you may remember from your youth is likely to have largely passed away.

I am happy for you Pearlsbefore that this has been your experience.  However, it has not been my experience or the experience of many other people on this board who seek support because of their aging bpd family member..  My mother’s BPD got worse as she aged.   The last 20 years has been the worst, and it only continues to crescendo.  Its crazy making.  My mother is 84.  Some days my life feels out of control because of her.  My T has been the most intense in the past 2 years.

I caution about generalized statements like this which can set someone up for disappointment or outright despair.  Its also very invalidating to those of us on this board struggling with the worst time of our life because of an elderly mother with out of control bpd.  If you stop and think about it , it makes sense that the bpd is triggered by the many stresses of aging and loss of function, as well as other losses such as life partners and even friends who get sick and die and “abandon them”.

I have read that bpd improves with age in a couple  other places, and its just not helpful to read that in my experience.

But I am happy for you.

[PearlsBefore]

I recognise that not every case follows the "standard", which is why I was careful to phrase it as "typically" and "is likely", because statistically both those statements are true. I can look through my bookshelf later, or browse PubMed, but I seem to recall the statistics are about 80% of female BPD patients will have lowered symptoms as they age, whereas approximately 20% will get worse with age. (I have never seen the stats for male aging/BPD, hence why I always qualify the stat with "(at least) females..." - I'd assume it's similar but don't know.) The numbers on this forum of adult-children-of-BPD-parents may be higher than actual statistics though, since presumably those facing the greater struggles are more likely to seek out advice and community online.

My own situation with my nearest pwBPD is not as you assume and unfortunately is actually the same as yours, she has devolved greatly and professionals have noted the steady decline as BPD symptoms become more serious. When speaking to pwBPDs (there are multiple diagnosed pwBPDs in my life) I certainly spend my time validating and comforting, but I come here to offer rational and frank insights that are based on academic study - and the fact remains, OP can take comfort in knowing that it is likely that her path forward will get easier as symptoms typically decline with age.

[beatricex]

anyhoo,
Back to the subject of dissociation.  Is this something you also experience HappytoHeal?

I feel like maybe the discussion may have turned from your orignal post

 
b

[khibomsis]

Pearls Before, not to thread hijack but could you perhaps recommend literature on the villianized child displaying traits of BPD? I am that child and have often wondered about it. Racking up 10 years in therapy this year, diagnosed with depression/CPTSD, but still wonder. I suspect there is a good deal of simply outrageous behaviour becoming normalized, found myself explaining to T once that when you have never known normal it becomes complex to find a path to sanity. You have no map, so to speak.
  
Happy To Heal, thank you for your patience! I am in my late fifties, high functioning uNBPD mom passed a couple of years ago.  Mom was a happy person, her father was a mighty rager and so she did not find it at all odd. She could never understand why the rest of us would be so tired/jumpy all the time. She did sweeten up in her seventies, unfortunately too late for me. The best I can say is that one eventually reaches a point of numbness. Too much PTSD and it became hard to feel anything but the need to keep her at a consistent distance. Not disassociation as such, although I find that that is the most normalized thing in my head. Spend a lot of time just learning to be present. Meditation/chanting and exercise really works and it gets better with practice.

I made up my mind what I felt was right for a daughter to do towards her mother and did that and no more, no less. I was lucky, though, brother lived with her and did most the heavy lifting in terms of caretaking. He was the golden child although pretty BPD himself in my opinion. I always think of the two I was the lucky one, he was overwhelmed and really didn't have much choice. His daughter was diagnosed with BPD at 15, first official diagnosis in the family and with rehab and therapy she is doing great now. Me, I left home in my teens and could decide when to go back and deal, and how much to deal with.  
You don't mention if you are in therapy for yourself ?

[PearlsBefore]

Pearls Before, not to thread hijack but could you perhaps recommend literature on the villianized child displaying traits of BPD? I am that child and have often wondered about it. Racking up 10 years in therapy this year, diagnosed with depression/CPTSD, but still wonder. I suspect there is a good deal of simply outrageous behaviour becoming normalized, found myself explaining to T once that when you have never known normal it becomes complex to find a path to sanity. You have no map, so to speak.

Dr. Christine Lawson is still my favourite book out there, "Understanding the Borderline Mother" - I see it as more useful for dealing with mothers of young children, but I've known adult children who say it was still remarkably useful for retroactively being able to understand things. I see a few specific references in the book off-hand, there are likely more.

It is only a matter of time before the borderline's 'no-good' daughter becomes a borderline mother herself.[p168]..without intervention, 'no-good' children inevitably develop BPD.[p169] Children with Borderline mothers begin their lives with an insecure attachment to an emotionally unstable mother. Thus these children risk becoming impulsive, rage-filled, oppositional, aggressive, depressed and violent.[pXV]; if male children of borderline mothers develop BPD they are more likely to be identified among prison population.[pXVI]

 Severe stress in childhood appears to have long-term effects on the brain and immune system. Children of borderlines are at risk, therefore, for a variety of physical and emotional disorders as adults.[p13]

I own a physical copy, heavily dogearred and highlighted, thus I should be alright to say "I was grateful that I could find a digital copy of it on ThePirateBay as well"

[khibomsis]

Lol. Thank you, Pearls Before! I had actually bookmarked it on Youtube so will give it a listen.
 

[khibomsis]

Posted my book review here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.msg13135405#msg13135405