Emotional Abuse - How Bad?

[bzboarder21]

Hey everyone,

I have lurked on this website in the past as I have suspected my GF has BPD, but finally decided to post.

I am basically at the end of my relationship with my gf (2 years; both late 20s). I haven't really shared this with anyone close to me, so I figured, "why not ask the forum I have been reading?" I have learned some good techniques from this site; however, am still learning to implement during the heat of an argument (for example: JADE).

To make a long story short: she struggles with mental health issues (always depressed, etc. has a history of this since teens, but currently won't go back on on medication or seek therapy; no BPD diag to my knowledge--but she was committed last year by parents for threatening to hurt herself--she promised to get help but didn't follow through). Over the last 6-8 months, I feel I have been more and more the target and blame for her bad feelings (claims I don't try in the relationship, don't care/love her, she feels suicidal, etc.). I believe she can be verbally and emotionally abusive when she is upset with me, during arguments, etc. I just want to get a sense of how bad it is as things have been getting worse IMO. Some examples of what she has said:

"I hope you die", "You're not attractive; you act like a girl", "You're a pussy.", "You're ugly.", "You do nothing for this relationship; you're always passive.", "Your mother is a bitch.", "You're a pathetic POS.", "I hope you lose your job and don't get into law school.", "You have disgusting genes.", "You are trash." "You're a loser.", "I don't care about you.", and the most hurtful: "Your Dad was a POS alcoholic." (Father passed in 2008). The list is longer, but those are some things that really hurt me. I feel she will also gaslight me and say I am abusive towards her (I don't insult her or belittle her, hit her, etc., so I disagree; but she claims I don't care about her needs/feelings, make her feel unheard, etc. but I disagree BIG time). This is on top of being blocked many times (she always gets back in touch).

She used to apologize when her temple got out of hand/she disrespected me and would explain she wasn't in control of herself, felt bad, etc. but now she won't even apologize. She will justify it by saying "that is what I think and I don't care about your feelings because you don't care about mine." She will also say I stopped acting like a BF and this is her normal reaction to how poorly I treat her.

I almost feel like this is a bad nightmare cause it is hard to think this is reality. She also speaks to her parents in an abusive manner if there is an argument. She claims they, too, abuse her. For example, I heard her told her Mom a month ago, "You are a miserable cunt and awful mother." when she found out her Mom went into her room when she wasn't there (she lives at home and the Mom went in there to remove food cause they found a mouse). From what I know, the parents aren't anywhere near as bad as she claims.

Just curious for anyone who has had issues with name calling, etc. In your opinion, how bad is this? I feel frustrated with myself for even *tolerating* the behavior in hopes it stops. It really is making me feel hopeless, depressed, and walking on eggshells. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any thoughts, similar experiences, insight, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

This is abuse. Full stop.

What keeps you in this relationship?

[maxsterling]

Well, I can tell you that the things my W has said to me are the cruelest anyone in my life has ever said to me - by far.  I also kick myself for tolerating this behavior or excusing it.  The things you describe are pretty bad - no wonder you feel horrible. 

My best suggestion is to do your best to take care of yourself and not let this define you.  For awhile, my W would apologize and it was easier for me to understand  that it was part of her illness.  After being bombarded with this for years, it's much more difficult to shake. 

Suppose you get into an argument with a stranger who calls you nasty stuff.  You get upset, but before long you shake it off.  "That person was crazy and does not know me."  When it is a loved one or someone you have known a long time and the hurtful words happen over and over, you start to lose trust in yourself.

So take are of you.  Do the things you enjoy.  Whether she remains in your life or not, recognize that her words do not define you.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear bz-

Welcome to our community.  I’m glad you’ve joined us, but very sorry for the pain that brings you here.

Without question, abuse.  And if it already hasn’t, it WILL begin to seep into your soul.  She means to hurt you when she does it.  And she’s telling you that.  It’s a “choice”.  It’s also a choice that she’s not seeking to work on these destructive behaviors.

My recent ex was very overt in his verbal abuse.  I was with him for 6.5 years.  The relationship lasted 6 years too long...  I’ve paid a steep price.

Please take care of yourself.  And please know, you cannot love someone to wellness.

Warmly,
Gems

[bzboarder21]

This is abuse. Full stop.

What keeps you in this relationship?

Hi and thank you for the reply. I think that is a very important question I should reflect on. My initial response is fear and probably the hope that she really doesn't want to be this way and that things will get better. I recognize that it sounds silly as I write it out. I probably need to do some soul searching.

[bzboarder21]

Well, I can tell you that the things my W has said to me are the cruelest anyone in my life has ever said to me - by far.  I also kick myself for tolerating this behavior or excusing it.  The things you describe are pretty bad - no wonder you feel horrible. 

My best suggestion is to do your best to take care of yourself and not let this define you.  For awhile, my W would apologize and it was easier for me to understand  that it was part of her illness.  After being bombarded with this for years, it's much more difficult to shake. 

Suppose you get into an argument with a stranger who calls you nasty stuff.  You get upset, but before long you shake it off.  "That person was crazy and does not know me."  When it is a loved one or someone you have known a long time and the hurtful words happen over and over, you start to lose trust in yourself.

So take are of you.  Do the things you enjoy.  Whether she remains in your life or not, recognize that her words do not define you.

Hello,

I thank you very much for sharing your experience, insight, and advice. Your example of someone saying those things who is insignificant is spot on; when it is someone you love and care for, it tears you down a lot over time and one can begin to adopt those thoughts (I have and I know that is not healthy). It is very hard to not take it personal and question myself. Thank you again for reminding me to care for myself & that I should not let her define me. Only I should be doing that.

[bzboarder21]

Dear bz-

Welcome to our community.  I’m glad you’ve joined us, but very sorry for the pain that brings you here.

Without question, abuse.  And if it already hasn’t, it WILL begin to seep into your soul.  She means to hurt you when she does it.  And she’s telling you that.  It’s a “choice”.  It’s also a choice that she’s not seeking to work on these destructive behaviors.

My recent ex was very overt in his verbal abuse.  I was with him for 6.5 years.  The relationship lasted 6 years too long...  I’ve paid a steep price.

Please take care of yourself.  And please know, you cannot love someone to wellness.

Warmly,
Gems

Hi Gems,

Thank you for the warm welcome. I appreciate it very much. I am glad I posted after reading the responses. It def. has impacted me at the soul-level (cried today for about 2 hours... recognizing too that if I mention that, it will reinforce for her judgement that I am a "pussy" and also be reminded that she does not care how I feel)... as you said, it is abuse and I have to accept that it is. I guess it is hard cause I separate her from he mental health struggles (this is me justifying for her behavior). Maybe I am in slight denial. Also, your mention of choices makes sense and cuts to the point: she is choosing to do this. She has said, "I don't say this to hurt you, I say this because it is how I feel and I want you to know how much you hurt me." On rare occasions, she will admit calling me "ugly" was to hurt me and didn't truly mean it... again only to blame me for "taking her out of character."

Thank you for the advice on caring for myself and not loving someone to wellness. Also, thank you for sharing your experience and again for the warm welcome.

[etoile]

My man... I feel for you, brother.  I am new here, new to understanding BPD, but have lived with it in my W for 9 years (without recognizing it until recently).  But NO ONE deserves abuse like that. You deserve better.

[I Am Redeemed]

This is abuse. Mental illness doesn't excuse it. If you are waiting for it to just stop, or hoping that she doesn't really want to be this way and just wants help, you may be waiting a long time.

As Gems mentioned, it is a choice. A mental illness does not give someone license to speak to you or family members this way.

[Cat Familiar]

People who are in relationships with partners with BPD often feel bound by fear, obligation, and guilt

[bzboarder21]

My man... I feel for you, brother.  I am new here, new to understanding BPD, but have lived with it in my W for 9 years (without recognizing it until recently).  But NO ONE deserves abuse like that. You deserve better.

Thank you for the kind words... I, too, agree that no one should be spoken to like that. Are things getting better for you now that you know what you're working with? Like tips, strategies from this site?

[bzboarder21]

This is abuse. Mental illness doesn't excuse it. If you are waiting for it to just stop, or hoping that she doesn't really want to be this way and just wants help, you may be waiting a long time.

As Gems mentioned, it is a choice. A mental illness does not give someone license to speak to you or family members this way.

Thank you. You're right: there really isn't any excuse for it... it is a choice she makes and yes, it sounds silly to hope it away.

[bzboarder21]

People who are in relationships with partners with BPD often feel bound by fear, obligation, and guilt

I feel all of those... where do I begin?

[Cat Familiar]

I feel all of those... where do I begin?

Click on the link above.

[etoile]

Thank you for the kind words... I, too, agree that no one should be spoken to like that. Are things getting better for you now that you know what you're working with? Like tips, strategies from this site?

In short, yes! I feel better because I now know what I am fighting.  With that knowledge, comes empowerment.  I have less confusion about why and what to do.  I have contacted my therapist and have a plan to come with a plan. I know now what my boundaries probably are and what limits I plan to set.  With that said, I am still very new to all of this.  It’s only been 4 days .  So I don’t know how well I’ll be able to operationalize what I’ve learned.  That’s the challenge, isn’t it? As Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone’s got a plan... til they get punched in the face.” I feel hopeful about my future.  But this does not speak to the future of the relationship.  I really don’t know what will happen: stay together? Divorce?  I don’t know.  But what I do know is that no one deserves that kind of abuse.  And I am not planning to suffer it. I am hopeful that one way or the other, my life will get better from what I have learned here.  I hope you have the same success.  Remember that your success isn’t tied to the success of the relationship.  Sometimes... there are necessary losses.  Lose the relationship to win your life back. Never forget that there are many people out there that will love you without abusing you this way. I hope I am not overstepping by offering this advice.  I am new here and I am certainly no expert. But I don’t want anyone to suffer like you have.

[queenofsuburbia]

Hello! I am also new to this site so welcome! Reading your post, your girlfriend sounds similar to my boyfriend. He has depression and anxiety and has attempted suicide a few times before I met him and he has cut himself and said a month ago he was tempted to do it again because of how he was feeling. He has not been diagnosed with BPD to my knowledge, but my mother is a behavioral health nurse and she told me he probably does and when I have researched it, I finally felt like I understood why he is the way he is. He also refuses medications and therapy and when he is upset with me or upset and taking it out on me he calls me a child and claims absurd things. The most recent one was he claimed I physically abuse him when I have never ever hit him and I told him I am offended he would even claim that. I see your girlfriend has done that to you as well. He also used to apologize when he did something wrong, but now he never does. I have not witnessed him lashing out at anyone else, but I believe he has since he has admitted to lashing out to them. He most likely is only verbally lashing out to them when he does. I am sorry you are dealing with this as well plus being called awful names and her saying things that hurt you. That is not okay. I wish my boyfriend and your girlfriend would, if they are capable of doing it, think about how they would feel if it were reversed and we did to them what they do to us. I am not sure that is possible for them to do though. I feel if they could, then maybe they would realize what they are doing and change. I wish you luck with whatever you choose to do.

[once removed]

tips, strategies from this site?

if your thread were a poll, im sure all of us would agree that to say these things is abusive.

its important to call a spade a spade, but at the end of the day, you love this person and youre doing your best to make it work, and you want help. we are here to offer you that help, and support.

what we cannot do is make your loved one stop saying or doing all of these things. what we cannot do is change her, or make her a healthy person. if you have accepted this relationship, if you want it to work, you have to understand what you are up against, and you must go into it with eyes wide open, no sugar coating, no unrealistic expectations.

you love a very difficult person, and you are in a dysfunctional relationship. change will be hard. the problems didnt start over night. they wont be conquered over night. they may never be conquered. some may be conquered. you may find that things get worse, or they get "good enough", or you may find significant improvement...or somewhere in between all of those things. its going to depend on your efforts and your commitment, but its going to depend on her, too.

no one wants to be with a partner who says these things, any more than they want a child, or a father, or a mother, or a sister, or a brother, who says these things. "leave" is one choice. its a valid choice. but its a little bit like trying to lose weight...its not always as simple as "eat less". if you want to improve your relationship, then you need to approach it as a serious lifestyle change. and frankly, should you want to end it, you need to get in that healthier space.

do not expect things to get better on their own. do not expect to appeal to her in order that she will see the light. do not expect to wing it because as youre finding, what "worked" at one time may not work anymore.

the long and short of it, and to state the obvious really, is that youre going to want to nip this level of disrespect in the bud. easier said than done, right? there are ways. you should know, before you try, that things will likely get worse before they get better, that there will be significant trial and error, and that doing so will rock the boat, because the precedent in your relationship is that she says these things, and on some level, you have taught her that its acceptable, or perhaps even inadvertently rewarded her. the thing i want to impress on you is that while this must change, changing it will be hard and you must be consistent.

it will help us tremendously if you can give us examples of how you have responded to these things that she says, and how it played out. recent examples will help a lot, too.

[maxsterling]

This thread has helped me too.

Abuse is abuse.  We can make excuses, but in the end of the day abuse wears us down. 

I think I have excused or tolerated it for too long.  Trying to have boundaries against it now is challenging, because I am lacking the energy to enforce those boundaries.  The lack of energy comes from listening to the abuse. 

I like your attitude about moving on/leaving the r/s.  The reality is, you can't work within that kind of verbal abuse, and to enforce that boundary very well could mean leaving.