I've realized I need to get out of this relationship

[Cnvi]

This is my first time talking to almost anyone besides my girlfriends mother and my own parents about her drug issues, and her BPD issues. I'm in my early 30's and she's in her late 20's.

My girlfriend has been grappling addiction since early into our relationship and has a history of substance abuse since she was 14, she was a hermit when we got together but I tried to bring her out of her shell, we partied together and I brought her out to socialize with friends and to some parties, but she slowly became gripped by substance abuse and retreated into her shell more and more, not wanting to socialize at all (she trusts no one / wants no friends / everyone hates her) and essentially forcing me to not socialize with my friends, or making me feel bad for seeing them afterwards.

She wasn't working when we got together but she landed a job after a few months and things were going pretty well, then COVID hit and her job got turned upside down (she had to start working with different employees who were not nice and threw her under the bus at the first opportunity) and everything started spiraling from there, it's hard to believe that it's almost been a year of this spiral, I'm exhausted.

She's tried to clean herself several times and we had limited success (stopping for 2-3 weeks at most), but the 1-2 weeks where she's having the withdrawals are horrific and over the last 2 months we've been in a vicious cycle of it, we tried temporarily moving to her parents and staying there, we moved her out of my place and back into her (parents owned) condo because my own place was a gateway for her, nothing helped and she consistently has me give her substances.

I've literally supported her in every way financially and emotionally, which means I've supported her habits. I've used the same things but I have no addiction pulling me to them, it's merely a social thing, I don't feel great about it but I go raves and stuff (when there's no quarantine)

She took a bottle of Tylenol in the fall and drank until she passed out, I woke up the next day and found her but didn't realize the severity of what she had done. We didn't go to the hospital for almost a day of her being sick and gripping the toilet and when we got there she almost had to have a liver transplant (she was hours away from being transported to another hospital). I have not stopped blaming myself for this happening, if I had stayed awake longer, if I hadn't gotten so drunk and fallen asleep I could have seen and stopped this. People have told me it isn't my fault but I can't get it out of my head.

Her body has been deteriorating over the past few months, bruising on her legs and it's not self inflicted, and the bruises don't go away. She's having trouble going to the bathroom and yesterday I went to visit her and she literally could not have a bowel movement (she has vicious hemorrhoids and I had no idea until 2 days ago) so me and her mother begged her to go to the ER and get checked out and she flipped back and forth on doing it, eventually she agreed to go and I would grab her in the evening because she didn't want to go during the day when it's busy.

I get there at 10PM and she's awake, but very paranoid and out of it. She's taken GHB and Xanax and is trying to clean her condo (she took everything down to redecorate and make it feel new for her upcoming recovery) I have to get her to sit down as she's wobbly and she passes out and will not wake up. I wait 2 hours and she wakes up, then drags her feet for 4 hours on whether or not to go. She was in the shower for 40 minutes at least. I finally get her to the ER at 4AM, I have to work in a few hours and this is the 4th day in a row I've been up past 5AM, she tells me I can go home and sleep and she can handle this on her own (I'm only able to go into the initial screening room of the ER right now due to covid but I wanted to walk the nurse/doctor through her symptoms) and I stay on the phone with her as I drive home.

I should have gone in with her, but I was so tired and I've been late to work twice this week. She tells the first nurse all her symptoms, when the second nurse talks to her she's nervous and says she only needs blood work done. Within 30 minutes one of the nurses was rude to her and she left the ER and walked back to her apartment at 5AM (10min walk) at this point I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and was on the phone with her while she walked home and the call dropped when she got in the elevator.

About 1.5h later she tries to call me, I had taken the rest of the cocaine from her place when I dropped her off at the ER. She then texts me an hour after that saying "You don't want me like this, I understand. I think we should distance ourselves." followed by "You took everything" 10 minutes later, referring to the drugs. She then tried to call me a few more times and eventually around 9AM said "I'll try a little longer. If not. I wish you the very best." she also texted her mom saying she wanted to take a trip somewhere to detox (that is how she overcame this years ago) and called her sister crying and not making sense, her sister has no idea that she's using any substances right now.

I woke up at noon, late for work again, and I called her mom and we shared messages. Neither of us has heard from her but if she fell asleep at 9-10AM it's normal for her to sleep until the evening.

I'm just... lost. I know that we need to distance ourselves, at least I do, because this relationship is toxic and it's destroying me. My friends and family are also telling me this out of pure love and I know it's not easy for them to tell me to push away the girl I love. I can't help her, I literally can't, I'm enabling her, when she sees me she 100% thinks about substances regardless of how much love she has for me. And over the past few weeks I've felt myself falling out of love with her (I haven't said anything obviously).

I'm worried about when she wakes up and power calls me, I'm worried that she's hurt herself or will hurt herself, I just can't stop worrying. Even if she did clean up and stop using drugs it won't fix any of her other issues, she refuses to take SSRI's because they will make her gain weight (she's 110lbs and just over 5 feet but has clear body dysmorphia and thinks she's fat) she doesn't like therapists or psychiatrists, she's had terrible experiences in the psych ward so she's just going through life without getting treatment and it's just going to be the same things happening over and over again, like it has been since she was a teenager.

I just don't know what to do. I know she had addictions to drugs in the past but I can't stop blaming myself for being the reason that she started again.

[livednlearned]

I'm glad you found the site. It's a lot to go through alone and handle this yourself.

You mention power calling. I'm guessing this means repeated calls over and over until you answer?

What are your thoughts about what she'll do if you don't respond?

Maybe now is the time to have friends and family help you shore up strength to cope with these pressures.

Does her mom/family have a history of piecing her back together?

My ex was dual-diagnosis too. Substance abuse and BPD, and who knows what else. I admire you for reaching out and unburdening some of this from your shoulders.

Are you getting any sleep right now? Self care is going to be a big one to help you get through this. 

[Cnvi]

She woke up around 5 and called me, had no recollection of going to ER or walking home. She also cut her arm and a bit on her leg, surface cuts so not anything serious. I had sent her this text during the day after I woke up and saw her messages:

I do truly want to give you the love and support you need, but I don't want to be the crutch of your addiction and I feel extremely responsible for this and I don't know what else to do. I can see it destroying you, and us also.

I don't want to control you, I believe in you and I know you can overcome this as you have overcome far worse. I'm not giving up on you, but my methods were not working to fix the problem so I think you have to take charge, I'm hoping that you feeling you are in control will help you persevere.

The hardest part will be the next few days, please understand that there is nothing wrong with getting a lot of rest and sleeping a bunch.

I love you. ❤️

We've had a few phonecalls, the first she was confused, then angry as she feels I'm abandoning her becaused I'm scared of her suicidal behavior. Then she said she would get clean in spite of me, which I'm honestly fine with. If I have to be a villain in her eyes but she heals and can move forward because of it, then I can live with that.

Now she's called me twice asking for a second chance, saying she realizes how much I was doing for her and how much of a mess she's been. Saying she needs my love and support by her side while she quits everything because her mom used to provide that in these situations.

Her mom who is normally her rock is extremely busy with work (her company literally launched a project this morning and she'll be working the next 14 days straight and needs the money from sales badly because COVID has been rough) otherwise she would be taking off work for a bit and going somewhere with her daughter to help her through detox (vacation or even just an airbnb out of town).

I.. can't let myself get sucked back in, I feel like I'm just about to start breathing. Am I being that evil here? I just have nothing left in the relationship, even if I gave her a second chance it would only be a matter of time until she saw that I'm already mostly checked out.

I told her I think she is strong and can accomplish this, and that I don't need to be out of her life completely, but she says that I'm abandoning her and that she will resent me for that and not talk to me when she is better. I said I'd need the night to think things through and process what she's asking before I can give her an answer.

I'm going to her place to drop her keys off, she said I can either leave them at her apartment door and text her when I've left or I can see her at the door. She also asked (not demanded) me to give her a small amount of cocaine so she can try and take small amounts over the next 2-3 days to make the withdrawals easier..

I'm starting to feel that I'm abandoning her, everything is upside down. How can I talk her down? How can I make her okay with us having space from eachother while she battles the withdrawals? What can I say.

[Cat Familiar]

This has got to be really difficult for you, but you have to remember that you are not responsible for the choices she’s made.

How are you doing?

[ForeverDad]

She has severe physical and mental issues, aggravated with drug abuse.  You simply cannot manage all of that for her.  She just has too many issues and you, in the emotional relationship you have, are being whipsawed in her extreme ups and downs.  Frankly, more downs than ups.

Does she live in a state where her mother (or another close relative) can ask for a 72 hour hold for assessment?  You can't fix her.  Maybe the professionals can but you can't.*  At most you could support her recovery.  Any recovery can't be measured in hours or days.  Recovery, if there is any, will take much, much longer.

*  I'm not sure of what the process might be.  Someone may have to call 911 and let the emergency responders (ambulance and police) agree there needs to be at least a 72 hour involuntary hold for medical treatment and psychological assessment.

You are deep into the FOG ... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Ponder each of those.

There are instructions often quoted here that we hear every time we fly on an airplane... "In case of emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."  Why?  We can't help anyone if we don't take care of ourselves first.  So your task is to take care of yourself first, then you can be available to provide support that the professionals advise.

[Cnvi]

As I was driving to her place to drop off her keys and give her a care package of some comfort food and drinks, she called me and told me that I didn't need to worry about her previous request to take her back and go somewhere with her to detox, she realized that I was very upset and was not going to come straight back to her and she'd also made up her mind that she was going to go to her mom's house and rest there. (Her mom + stepdad are going to be busy with work and are giving her the master bedroom, so she'll practically have the place to herself most of the time.)

I was super glad to hear this, she also told me she didn't want me to bring her any cocaine and she was going to do this cold turkey, she was determined. She has overcome this before in a similar situation where she moved back into her moms house and just was a hermit in her room for a few months.

I spoke with her mom and she told me it couldn't hurt to see her at the door when I dropped the care package off so I did, I explained that right now I think we both need space apart and gave her a hug, she leaned in for a kiss after and I gave her a peck, she apologized for kissing me and said it was out of habit. I obviously want to kiss her, I'm still in love with her.

She told me she's heartbroken but she understands what she's done has hurt me, then pretty much said I should leave before she begs me to stay.

I picked up a friend of mine and we had some beers and watched a few TV shows we watch together, it was a nice way to get my mind off things.

Does she live in a state where her mother (or another close relative) can ask for a 72 hour hold for assessment?  You can't fix her.  Maybe the professionals can but you can't.*  At most you could support her recovery.  Any recovery can't be measured in hours or days.  Recovery, if there is any, will take much, much longer.

*  I'm not sure of what the process might be.  Someone may have to call 911 and let the emergency responders (ambulance and police) agree there needs to be at least a 72 hour involuntary hold for medical treatment and psychological assessment.

She actually called me later on while she was waiting for her mom to pick her up and asked me if I think she should go to the Psych Ward, she said she wants to get better for me and doesn't know what to do. But I've spoken with her mom about this who is an amazing woman and has helped her through several episodes and addictions, she told me the Psych Ward should be the absolute last choice if nothing else works because it's very scary, abrasive and she won't get peace there. She has been to the psych ward a few times in her life and there was only one psychiatrist that actually understood BPD and was able to help her a bit, but unfortunately that psychiatrist doesn't work in our local health area anymore. Unfortunately the way my countries medical system works a lot of the nurses and staff don't really care about the patients, or they are just numb from having dealt with bad patients in the past.

She has been willing to do DBT therapy for the past few months and left it up to me to schedule an appointment, unfortunately I got sidetracked and didn't get this done and I do feel horrible about it.

In terms of drug recovery programs she can't recover socially either, she needs to / has done it by secluding herself with people around her who love her and powering through. I was looking into a treatment center a few hours away but I need to know if they let patients stay to themselves or they force you into group activities because she won't want to go. She refused all the group activities the last time she was in the Psych Ward.

I was able to fall asleep around 1:30-2AM. I'm noticing that it is really hard for me to get out of bed though, is this / could this be depression?

You are deep into the FOG ... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Ponder each of those.

The F.O.G. acronym hits home very deeply.

I woke up to some very conflicting emotions, I miss her and I want to be there for her. I'm trying to wrack my brain to figure out a way that I can support her without her thinking that I want to be with her. Is it a bad idea to try and remain friends? She truly has no one else in the world other than me and her mom, her and her sister don't talk as much as they used to since covid started as she wasn't able to visit her anymore as her sister is a high covid risk due to her illness.

I'm trying to decide if I need to wait 1-2 days to text her or if I should check on her (via text) this afternoon to make sure she's doing alright.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good news that she’s safely at her mother’s house now.

You need to be very mindful about protecting yourself and that she wants to instill fear, obligation, and guilt, as ForeverDad has mentioned.  
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

And be aware of not doing things for her that she can do for herself. If she really wants to get out of the destructive cycle that she’s in, she must be the one to take initiative.

As far as being friends, why not put this relationship on hold while she recovers and you strengthen your boundaries?

Maybe later you can resume a more healthy friendship.

[Cnvi]

You need to be very mindful about protecting yourself and that she wants to instill fear, obligation, and guilt, as ForeverDad has mentioned.  
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

And be aware of not doing things for her that she can do for herself. If she really wants to get out of the destructive cycle that she’s in, she must be the one to take initiative.

I guess I'm jumping the gun on assuming she's taken the initiative, this is only day 1.5 since she's had any of the stuff.

As far as being friends, why not put this relationship on hold while she recovers and you strengthen your boundaries?

Maybe later you can resume a more healthy friendship.

I don't think I've actually set boundaries with her, she loves me so deeply I'm scared to. Or I just don't know what to say yet. I told her that we both needed space to sort things out, and I mentioned that I'm stressed and sad. (Usually when I say things like that to her she would fire back saying she is more stressed than I am, etc.)

I was trying to get an appointment with my old counselor as he also mentioned via email I should set some boundaries but I can't talk to him until Tuesday.

[livednlearned]

Is it a bad idea to try and remain friends?

Sometimes intimacy can be what triggers pwBPD. It activates the extreme push/pull emotions and behaviors that she then medicates with drugs.

It's important to have strong boundaries and there isn't a strong history of those, which complicates the promise of a healthy friendship, especially as she gets clean.

If you are going to remain in her life, it's important that you have a therapist that you actually listen to.

Most addicts lie, and those who love them lie too. We just do it in different ways. It's good to have a T helping you recognize when it happens and why.

[Cnvi]

Sometimes intimacy can be what triggers pwBPD. It activates the extreme push/pull emotions and behaviors that she then medicates with drugs.

Hm, in the theoretical playthrough in my brain I'm friends with her platonically. Maybe playing video games with her online (we gamed together a lot when things were good, originally from our separate houses, then together when covid started and she moved in with me) or visiting her for 30 minutes, or grabbing coffee and catching up, I was originally thinking things like that.

This is all under the pretense that she remains at her mothers and recovers, which she wholeheartedly intends to. Her mom told me that when she gets determined to get clean like this she's succeeded every time in the past. Be it traveling away to Hawaii for a month to get out of the area, or moving back into her mothers house and playing video games in her room for a few months. The only difference in this situation is me, her boundless love for me and the fact that I'm walking away from her has me worried that it might impact her recovery.

It's important to have strong boundaries and there isn't a strong history of those, which complicates the promise of a healthy friendship, especially as she gets clean.

If you are going to remain in her life, it's important that you have a therapist that you actually listen to.

We had no boundaries at all which is why I'm seeking the help of my counselor to start building those. I'm curious if anyone has input on this though, my counselor doesn't work with BPD but said the following:

If you are wanting to figure out if the relationship is workable or viable, or work on the relationship and figure out how to be with someone w BPD, then I am not the right therapist , as I don't work much with BPD and you would be better served by a therapist with lots of understanding and insight about BPD directly.

If you are wanting to process your own loss pain and or ambivalence as you leave the relationship, and learn to keep your boundaries clear and strong, then that is something I can help with. I also do lots of work in the are of addictions and can help you see , perhaps, what you are not able or wanting to see. The bottom line, BPD or not, is that a relationship will not grow past any addiction issue that is not being addressed. The old truth, the only one you can change is you, is especially pertinent in these situations, and it is so easy to be confused about the difference between support and enabling.

You might find this therapist and her blog and book /workbook, interesting.
https://lovewithboundaries.com/

As of right now I still know in my heart that the relationship has to end, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl and I can't string her along. She had asked me a few times about getting engaged, and it led to fights when I couldn't give her a definite answer beyond "I'm not ready for marriage" or "We both need to grow" or something like that. I really wish I was working with a counsellor/therapist earlier because I probably could have handled a lot of those situations better.

Should I work with my counsellor that I have a history with, who helped me work on my social anxiety and self esteem (who I know & trust)? Or should I find a BPD counsellor or therapist to help me set up boundaries?

[livednlearned]

Should I work with my counsellor that I have a history with, who helped me work on my social anxiety and self esteem (who I know & trust)? Or should I find a BPD counsellor or therapist to help me set up boundaries?

Knowing that you want to end the relationship and that it doesn't have a future (the way she wants), then it sounds like you would want to stick with the therapist you have.

I think what your therapist is saying that she isn't the person to help you have a relationship (which requires black belt level boundaries) with someone who has BPD. She is probably a good person to ask why you struggle to have boundaries, why you might've been drawn to this woman, and what it means to have boundaries (for future relationships).

Also, as someone who previously enabled an addict I gotta say ... people like us are not as important to their recovery as we like to think.

[Cnvi]

We spoke on the phone for a while today, she apologized again and asked what was happening with us (as I told her I needed time) and I told her I wasn't sure, I then re-explained my defense to her that I was enabling her and it was destroying me (and her).

I told her how stressed I've been for the past week with all the fighting and late nights, she said she could hear the pain in my voice and realized how much she's hurt me and she's devastated. She promised me that none of her addiction or her present was my fault, that it's all on her and that she's an adult and is responsible for her choices. It felt really good to hear that.

She told me she just wants to hug and kiss me when she hears me this sad, and she just wants to see me.

But she's very good at analyzing me, and she seems to be piecing together that from my continued distance to her that I want to walk away. She pretty much said she had a feeling as to where things were going, and we could talk next week and she would turn her phone off for a few days and sleep/rest.

I'm starting to second guess if I want to end things, is this F.O.G. ?

[MeandThee29]

I'm starting to second guess if I want to end things, is this F.O.G. ?

Yes, and it's perfectly normal. You are caring person. That said, if your relationship is driven by untreated BPD and addiction, you have to expect more of the same. I'm not saying that people can't get better, but they have to prove themselves when it's a repeating cycle.

At one point I was still hoping that somehow things would turn around, but trust had been shattered. I wasn't sure. I asked the therapist what she thought, and we wrote out what would have to change to get back together. She commented that with his history (she also saw him), it would be potentially a year of solid behavior before I might want to consider living together again. There were deep changes that had to happen that hadn't happened despite a suicide attempt and more. Later in the divorce process, I asked my attorney if people ever broke off negotiations or remarried. He replied that of course things like that happened, but he also noted that sometimes people find out what their partner was really made of in a negative way during the divorce process. Ah, yes. That was very prophetic. Even his attorney was emailing my legal team at times that he felt so very sorry for me.

It had to be. I also had the thought that we might remain friends. Nope. After he acted up so much during the divorce and with his very experienced attorney who blabbed to mine, I closed that door.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s easy for addicts to make promises. The hard part is lasting behaviorial change.

[livednlearned]

I'm starting to second guess if I want to end things, is this F.O.G. ?

Second guessing because she is showing concern for your well-being?

What do you sense has changed for you?

[ForeverDad]

This thread is reminding me of a movie I had watched in my younger years... Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961) with Audrey Hepburn.  She was my favorite actress in my personal youth wayback machine.

I could never understand how and why the movie had such a sad ending.  She was messed up by prior issues.

(Edit:  I looked back at that movie and I think they tacked a nice ending onto a tortuous relationship where both people had serious issues.)

That's what reminded me of your situation.  No matter what you try, you'd probably lost even before you began.

[Cnvi]

She texted me at midnight, I was out getting drunk because I can't cope with how sad I am right now.

"Enjoy your friday, I hope you can return to your normal life."
"If you need to get anything out of your house that is mine it will be easier to just have a bag ready and my mom will pick it up. It will help you get ovefr the stress of having my things there to remind you of me and I hope you can start to enjoy your life like you once did before I was in it. I'm sorry."
"I have your battery pack and some other things I'll put together. I scare you so I'll make it easier for you and you can communicate through my mom from now on. This hurts so much but I think you've already made up your mind. I don't want to stress you out anymore and I hope your therapist will be able to help you get through this. I'm sorry, you're amazing and your life will be better from now on. ❤️"

2 hours later "Sorry for ruining your guys night, I love you, please don't be sad."
"I'll block your number now so I stop spamming you ()"
"I'll be moving to Europe this week, I have made the decision easier for you"

I've been crying since I read these.

[Cnvi]

Yes, and it's perfectly normal. You are caring person. That said, if your relationship is driven by untreated BPD and addiction, you have to expect more of the same. I'm not saying that people can't get better, but they have to prove themselves when it's a repeating cycle.

I just feel that if she leaves now she's never going to take me back because I abandoned her when she needed me the most. She wants me there for her it doesn't even mean I need to be romantic. I just don't know what to do I'm so sad. I understand there's all these cons but my sadness seems to make me numb to them right now.

Her untreated mental health issues (she was willing to do DBT), addictive personality (she's fixed this before and I truly believe she's going to beat it again), lack of income, social anxiety to the point she hides in the bathroom when someone stops by my place, dislikes half of my friends and can't be in social situations.

It’s easy for addicts to make promises. The hard part is lasting behaviorial change.

But now I feel like I'm not giving her the opportunity to prove that she can change.

Second guessing because she is showing concern for your well-being?

What do you sense has changed for you?

How she's acting, the deep seriousness of her apologies. She's waking up from the haze of all the drugs that she's been doing, that I provided her, and she sees how hard I was trying to help her and that she just didn't understand the type of love I was giving her but there was love there all along. She's taking full responsibility for everything, she's giving me all the space I need. Hell, now she's deduced that I was going to leave her and she's doing everything in her path to make it easier for me.

I know I'm supposed to leave her, I know that's what I decided days ago. But this hurts so much and I already miss her more than I've missed anything in my life. I don't know what to do.

[Cnvi]

I messaged her mom asking about the texts she sent me last night, asking if they were real.

"She means it.
Cause she  believe you should know if you love her or not. If you are not sure and you need your counselor to figure it out then you don't.
This is the time she needs to know if you there for her or not.
I don't think she can wait til Tuesday."

It isn't this simple, I obviously love her more than anything in the world but I also know that this relationship is toxic in its current state. We need a break at the very least. It's not so black and white.

This is emotional blackmail right? Forcing me to make a decision? F.O.G.

[Cnvi]

I went and saw her today as she had been asking me multiple times what the status of our relationship was and I haven't given her an answer. I told her I needed more time to work through my feelings and she's been pretty pushy on me giving her an answer, either good or bad, and says that leaving her in limbo is stressing her out and stopping her from healing. The 'deadline' to give her an answer is effectively Tuesday, after I speak with my counselor to try and sort things out in my head.

She asked me again to take her back, to give her one more chance and she will do ANYTHING I ask. She said she'll quit cocaine, stay at her moms until she's clean, do DBT therapy, see a psychiatrist, give me as much space as I need (I can visit her when I like, but this is assuming I continue the relationship) she will do anything I ask of her and I can set rules / guidelines, boundaries, etc. But if she's willing to do anything, why can't she respect that I need more time to process this and search my feelings? My friends wife asked me this and I was stumped.

I understand that every person is different and situations play out differently also, but I'm curious how many people have been put in this position of them promising to do anything you ask and what the outcomes usually lead to.

I've spoken with a few friends and they've told me if I truly love her they don't see the harm in giving her one last chance, when I spoke with my father he said the same, but he asked me if I was going to do it out of love for her, or out of guilt. I asked him how I could tell the difference and he said he didn't know. That really resonated with me though.

After I saw her I was heavily considering it, I went to a friends after and talked about it with him and his wife and they told me that it could be worth trying but that I need to focus on what I want first and myself, truthfully I'm so lost I don't even know what I want anymore.

[Cat Familiar]

Why don’t you reread your earlier posts on this thread?

You seemed quite clear that this was not a long term relationship and you didn’t want to lead her on.

She’s being rather demanding with a deadline. Has she had a history of fulfilling her promises?

[livednlearned]

This dynamic with her, have you experienced anything like this before? Meaning, someone with substance abuse or mental illness?

You are in touch with her mom and your friends... where is your family in this?

Ending a relationship creates similar sensations to genuine physical pain. You are probably seeking to avoid those feelings any way possible and reuniting with her is a way to get (temporary) relief.

She has said contradictory things in a short period of time. It seems she may be doing the same thing (desperately seeking to avoid pain).

The conflict and confusion can break us down when we're in a weak state and we choose the easiest least painful way forward even when it goes against what might be best for us.

[Cnvi]

Why don’t you reread your earlier posts on this thread?

You seemed quite clear that this was not a long term relationship and you didn’t want to lead her on.

I'm dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, I feel like I'm 50/50 about things now but I'm having trouble thinking clearly.

She’s being rather demanding with a deadline. Has she had a history of fulfilling her promises?

We've never been in a situation like this before, her mom told me the last time she decided to get clean she did it without fail. But there's also never been a boyfriend/love component ending at the same time.

This dynamic with her, have you experienced anything like this before? Meaning, someone with substance abuse or mental illness?

No, none. I have friends who have had substance abuse issues but never with mental health, and they all managed to detox their way out of their addictions (usually with their own willpower, or due to having no more money for any drugs.)

You are in touch with her mom and your friends... where is your family in this?

My parents are being supportive, my moms mother had a history of mental health issues so my moms focus that she needs to get help, therapy and clean herself up. My dad has told me if I love this girl there's no harm in giving her one more chance (assuming she cleans up + does therapy), but I need to sort out of I'm doing it out of love or guilt and I'm struggling with that aspect.

Ending a relationship creates similar sensations to genuine physical pain. You are probably seeking to avoid those feelings any way possible and reuniting with her is a way to get (temporary) relief.

She has said contradictory things in a short period of time. It seems she may be doing the same thing (desperately seeking to avoid pain).

The conflict and confusion can break us down when we're in a weak state and we choose the easiest least painful way forward even when it goes against what might be best for us.

I truly feel that us separating and taking time to work on ourselves is the best solution, we were extremely co-dependant, and I feel like I kind of lost myself in this relationship as I was so focused on caring for her / trying to keep her happy. I've mentioned to her that I don't really recognize myself, she said she feels the same but that it was the drugs (and also says that I could have lost myself from them, after talking with friends they agreed that my usage increased when I started dating her)

But she's continuously saying if I leave her now, at her lowest rock bottom, she's going to resent me when she's a better version of herself and likely hate me for the rest of her life. Most people I talk to tell me that she would likely realize I did it for the best later on but we'll never know for certain.

Part of me is unsure if I want to invest a year of my life to her recovery, will I even be able to recover myself if I'm so focused on her again?

[Cat Familiar]

There’s a threat there—that if you leave her now, at her rock bottom, she will hate you for the rest of her life.

I see a lot of manipulative behavior and it’s been, what, two days since you discussed giving the relationship some space?

[ForeverDad]

It's been stated many times here to our other members:
You can't fix the disordered other person.  The other person won't improve for you or because of you.

She will only recover when she decides to recover, for herself.  Otherwise she will continue her ups and downs using you (or someone) as a crutch.

How many "one last chances" has she already gotten from you?

Sorry, I'm not heartless, just realistic based on history.

[Cnvi]

There’s a threat there—that if you leave her now, at her rock bottom, she will hate you for the rest of her life.

I see a lot of manipulative behavior and it’s been, what, two days since you discussed giving the relationship some space?

Yeah you're right, I don't think she's even aware of the manipulation there.

It's been stated many times here to our other members:
You can't fix the disordered other person.  The other person won't improve for you or because of you.

She will only recover when she decides to recover, for herself.  Otherwise she will continue her ups and downs using you (or someone) as a crutch.

How many "one last chances" has she already gotten from you?

Sorry, I'm not heartless, just realistic based on history.

I find a lot of clarity on this forum and I really appreciate everything the people here have said so far, it's helped me immensely. In this case this is the first 'last chance' she's been given because I was such a pushover about her usage and we only tried for her to get clean a few times, the last 2 months was pretty much back to back trying to get clean but it was 1-2 days of withdrawals, then fighting, then me caving in and giving her stuff, things dragged on too long and I should have tried to get space and sort this out 6 months earlier, then maybe I could have actually given her a last chance.

I spoke with a friends boyfriend who's a youth counsellor that also works with addicts, he helped me walk through my feelings a bit, he told me honestly that he thought I might be talking to numerous people to try and find someone to give me a reason to stay with her instead of listening to what my original gut reaction to everything was.

Today as I talked with a few friends and I was distanced from her again (and saw the posts here reminding me what my main topic was when I started this thread!), I came back to essentially remembering that I wanted separation at this point and time.

She will likely view it as abandonment regardless, but the two of us need time and space apart to reflect on ourselves, heal, and work towards betterment in multiple different aspects of life. I don't want to be a crutch for her recovery, and I have a lot of things that I need to start working on as well. Her mom told me that she will likely have to cut me out of her life completely and burn the proverbial bridge to be able to get over me, but that is ultimately her choice.

Her mother has complete confidence in her recovery, as she's been down this road 2 times prior and she sees the determination in her daughter to beat this and get back to who she was 2 years ago. The mom has assured me that if I was to walk away she would still be able to recover and I cannot let that alter my decision.

I did find it harder to get out of bed today, I couldn't fall asleep until 5AM and laid in bed for an hour when I woke up, I know this is likely depression, I thought I'd been depressed before but this is so much heavier. I'll be seeing my counselor for two appointments Tuesday afternoon and I'm hoping he will help me start sorting through all my emotions.

[Cnvi]

I put off talking to her yesterday and said I would call her today, unfortunately it was more of the same pressure to give her an answer. She asked me why I was talking to all my friends about the problems but not talking with her, I explained I'm trying to sort out my feelings and she said that she doesn't even understand what I'm considering because I haven't told her what's bothering me and I've been holding it in for the past few months. (I guess her drug addiction and who she's been for the past 8+ months isn't valid enough on it's own.)

In truth, I don't think I even realized that other things were bothering me this much until the episode last week and getting some space to analyze things.

She said she loves me, love like this doesn't come around all the time, she's willing to do anything to keep the relationship going and then pretty much blamed me for the fact that I'm not taking her back.

I told her I needed to talk to my counselor to organize my thoughts, then said I had to run an errand and I would call her back later. I then spoke with a friend and my father and decided to text her and say I still need to sort my thoughts out and asked to speak with her tomorrow. She said, "Ok" then called me a minute later essentially telling me that I already know what I want and to stop stretching it out.

I don't want to break up with her over the phone, that seems insanely cowardly, and I really do want to speak to my counselor first to try and sort out the reasons that I'm walking away so I can at least give her the easier ones (her mom told me if I'm going to walk away I shouldn't give her more reasons to hate herself, it will only slow down her recovery..)

She reminded me again that if I walk away now she will resent or hate me when she's blossomed back into a healthy person. I asked if what I needed was more time and space would she be able to give me it, she replied with "How long? How much time?" and I said I didn't know.

The conversation was going nowhere and she got irritated, I said I'd come see her after my counselor appointment (didn't tell her I had 2 appointments)

I keep being plagued by self doubt, I know deep down I want out of this but I can feel her trying to pull me back in so forcefully, it's agonizing.

[kells76]

Hey Cnvi, glad you're posting here.

A few things stood out to me in her responses (and I comment all this understanding that she's neither "all great" nor "all horrible", that she's a complex person as well):

she said that she doesn't even understand what I'm considering because I haven't told her what's bothering me and I've been holding it in for the past few months

She is telling you what you are doing. She is dictating the narrative.

Is she asking you to share how you feel or what you are doing?

She said she loves me, love like this doesn't come around all the time, she's willing to do anything to keep the relationship going and then pretty much blamed me for the fact that I'm not taking her back.

She is saying "I've already taken responsibility. I am doing the "loving you" thing. You're the problem if you're not loving me." And there is a threat about your identity, your true self. She is unloading this on you: "Nobody else will love you like this... so there is something wrong with you. You're the unlovable one, except for my sacrificial love".

Do people who love healthily, blame the one they love for not loving "the right way" back?

She said, "Ok" then called me a minute later essentially telling me that I already know what I want and to stop stretching it

Once again, she is dictating to you who you are. She is the one in control, the one with all-knowing insight, the one who knows the "true you" better than you know yourself.

Is that true? Does she care about asking and understanding you, the way you know yourself? Or is she interested in telling you who (she deems) you are? Is there space for the real you?

 

She reminded me again that if I walk away now she will resent or hate me when she's blossomed back into a healthy person

 

This is a threat. Does she have control over what she chooses to do with her feelings?

She is unloading the problem on to you. She will be the healthy one... you will be the rejected one. She will have the power... you will be begging her to take you back.

Do you want to be with someone who can in the same breath say that when they are healthy, they will be a hateful person?

...

I hear you working hard to make wise choices, and truly struggling with what is loving to do. I want to encourage you to keep getting 3rd party input, just like you're doing:

I was talking to all my friends about the problems but not talking with her, I explained I'm trying to sort out my feelings

I told her I needed to talk to my counselor to organize my thoughts, then said I had to run an errand and I would call her back later. I then spoke with a friend and my father

  Really healthy choices here. You advocated for yourself, for getting support, and ended the conversation kindly and firmly. You got some different perspectives. Kudos. This is the way to go.

I really do want to speak to my counselor first to try and sort out the reasons that I'm walking away

...

Healthy people support their partners getting help. You deserve support for getting counseling. That is normal and appropriate. Complaints about you wanting time to talk to your counselor before making big decisions are inappropriate and abnormal.

...

I still think the biggest question is the one I have above, with all the  's:

Do you want to be with someone who can in the same breath say that when they are healthy, they will be a hateful person?

...

Lots to think about... really proud of the work you are doing here to be wise.

kells76

[Snowflake90]

From my personal experience, you don't stop loving the person. You just realize that the relationship with that person will slowly kill you. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean you won't still love her or care for her. It simply means you realize you can't go on like that together, even if you love her very much.
I was in a different, albeit similar in some way situation. My SO was making my life a living hell. And I loved her, and perhaps still do a bit. But at one point I realized I should move forward, despite still having feelings for her. After all, a serious r/s is not made of just feelings. It's a lot more than that. It is first and foremost made of peace, trust, stability, etc. Although I still miss her at times, my life turned 180 degrees for the better.
From what you describe, your life with her wasn't easy. Heck, I'd say it looked like one of those ninja warrior tv shows, but like, everyday and every hour .
Anyway of course it's all your choice and I hope not to convince you either way. I just wanted to share that, it's possible to detach while still loving your SO. And surely, the feelings slowly subside with the distance.

[Cnvi]

She is unloading the problem on to you. She will be the healthy one... you will be the rejected one. She will have the power... you will be begging her to take you back.

Do you want to be with someone who can in the same breath say that when they are healthy, they will be a hateful person?

No, I don't. And I also doubt that I can make her see things this way. Maybe down the road if she actually gets therapy she will understand one day. I can feel that she is trying to dictate the narrative and manipulate my options / choices but it's hard to isolate what she's doing or how she's doing it sometimes.

Healthy people support their partners getting help. You deserve support for getting counseling. That is normal and appropriate. Complaints about you wanting time to talk to your counselor before making big decisions are inappropriate and abnormal.

This makes complete sense, thank you. She's telling me that the counselor doesn't know her / our relationship. Honestly, neither do I at this point.

From my personal experience, you don't stop loving the person. You just realize that the relationship with that person will slowly kill you. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean you won't still love her or care for her. It simply means you realize you can't go on like that together, even if you love her very much.
I was in a different, albeit similar in some way situation. My SO was making my life a living hell. And I loved her, and perhaps still do a bit. But at one point I realized I should move forward, despite still having feelings for her. After all, a serious r/s is not made of just feelings. It's a lot more than that. It is first and foremost made of peace, trust, stability, etc. Although I still miss her at times, my life turned 180 degrees for the better.

This is something I'm afraid of, how empty I'm going to feel when I start detaching. How spiteful she might become. I know that ultimately it will be better for me but it's going to be one hell of a climb to get out of this situation, and I'm probably going to feel very lonely and depressed. I don't think covid quarantine is going to help at all.. the closer I get to my counselor appointment this afternoon, the more fears I'm getting about going to see her and end it after.