Dealing with emotional blackmail

[Depression = 72% of members]

I could use some help in strategies for dealing with emotional blackmail. This may be a long post, as some background and context is necessary.

Almost five years ago I made a big mistake in the relationship with my wife. She got pregnant early in the relationship. It was not planned. Until then we had mostly been in the infatuation phase and she was extremely passionate and charming. The devaluation phase soon followed. We made a commitment to stay together and raise the child, but it was tough. The pregnancy put her BPD on steroids and she became frequently verbally abusive toward me and at times violent. I was completely bewildered and at a loss with how to deal with this - and living in another country thousands of miles away from my family with no support made me feel even more isolated. Stupidly I confided in an ex girlfriend online and our chats veered into inappropriate territory. I compounded the mistake by lying to my wife about the nature of the conversation when she found out.  I am still ashamed of this mistake and recognize that any kind of infidelity can be fatal to even a regular healthy relationship. So that's on me.

That said, through therapy and other work on myself I'm pretty confident I'm a stronger person now and have healthier coping mechanisms. I recognize I made a bad mistake that was very hurtful to my wife - but it doesn't define me as a person.

Years later, this mistake is still haunting our relationship, however. My wife frequently brings it up in conflicts and labels me a cheater -- and at times threatens to tell my parents and friends about it (exposing who I really am, in her words) unless I do thing x.

It came up again last night in a major dysregulation. My brother (who I haven't spoken to in three months) called last night and said he needed my advice about something. My wife HATES me taking unexpected calls in the evening. I told her I'd try to make it quick, but we ended up speaking for 40 minutes (he wanted a sounding board about whether to accept a certain job offer). The moment the call ended she started ranting about how inconsiderate my brother was and how this shows nobody in my family cares about her. The insults about me and my brother escalated and I told her I was going to bed to cool down. She then blocked the door and prevented me from doing so.

I did my best to stay calm but things quickly escalated to threats of divorce and calling my mom to explain how I'm a cheater.

I recognize there are a million pathologies at work here and individual circumstances, but what are some good ways to set boundaries (is it even possible?) about these kind of threats and intimidation? Yes I have made mistakes in the past, even some big ones, like most people. But I don't appreciate this being thrown in my face every time there is a disagreement -- and the emotional blackmail part of this makes me feel very powerless.

Ideas?

[globalnomad]

I could use some help in strategies for dealing with emotional blackmail. This may be a long post, as some background and context is necessary.

Almost five years ago I made a big mistake in the relationship with my wife. She got pregnant early in the relationship. It was not planned. Until then we had mostly been in the infatuation phase and she was extremely passionate and charming. The devaluation phase soon followed. We made a commitment to stay together and raise the child, but it was tough. The pregnancy put her BPD on steroids and she became frequently verbally abusive toward me and at times violent. I was completely bewildered and at a loss with how to deal with this - and living in another country thousands of miles away from my family with no support made me feel even more isolated. Stupidly I confided in an ex girlfriend online and our chats veered into inappropriate territory. I compounded the mistake by lying to my wife about the nature of the conversation when she found out.  I am still ashamed of this mistake and recognize that any kind of infidelity can be fatal to even a regular healthy relationship. So that's on me.

That said, through therapy and other work on myself I'm pretty confident I'm a stronger person now and have healthier coping mechanisms. I recognize I made a bad mistake that was very hurtful to my wife - but it doesn't define me as a person.

Years later, this mistake is still haunting our relationship, however. My wife frequently brings it up in conflicts and labels me a cheater -- and at times threatens to tell my parents and friends about it (exposing who I really am, in her words) unless I do thing x.

It came up again last night in a major dysregulation. My brother (who I haven't spoken to in three months) called last night and said he needed my advice about something. My wife HATES me taking unexpected calls in the evening. I told her I'd try to make it quick, but we ended up speaking for 40 minutes (he wanted a sounding board about whether to accept a certain job offer). The moment the call ended she started ranting about how inconsiderate my brother was and how this shows nobody in my family cares about her. The insults about me and my brother escalated and I told her I was going to bed to cool down. She then blocked the door and prevented me from doing so.

I did my best to stay calm but things quickly escalated to threats of divorce and calling my mom to explain how I'm a cheater.

I recognize there are a million pathologies at work here and individual circumstances, but what are some good ways to set boundaries (is it even possible?) about these kind of threats and intimidation? Yes I have made mistakes in the past, even some big ones, like most people. But I don't appreciate this being thrown in my face every time there is a disagreement -- and the emotional blackmail part of this makes me feel very powerless.

Ideas?

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[formflier]

Blocking doors and all that is serious stuff.  We should talk about safety planning at some point.

While this is all fresh, I'm hoping you can think about the critical moments as the phone call was ending.

What was said?

What could have been said to "be on the same team" (same side) as your pwBPD, without agreeing some all of her statements?

Please be kind to yourself today.  There is no rush to reflect on all this.  When you feel up to it, give this some thought.

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

Thanks FF. I have some thoughts but will reflect some more. Just for now, the blocking thing is something that's troubled me for a while. She does it occasionally when really upset. It prevents me from deescalating the situation by leaving the room. It's absolutely unacceptable to me but I have not found an effective way to deal with it other than giving up and being subjected to verbal abuse. 

[formflier]

I totally agree that the blocking thing is hard to deal with.  It's also a hard conversation to have online and not one I would recommend while the hurt is still fresh.

Which is why I encourage being kind to yourself and reflecting.

There is also another "truth" that if "the temperature" can be kept turned down, often the amount of dysfunctional behavior (like blocking) will go down or go away.

Clarity:  I'm not suggesting you are responsible for her blocking you...I am saying you have some influence on the "temperature" and exploring that is likely productive.

How do you feel today?

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

FF - Thanks again, and I totally understand what you're saying about the temperature. There are likely things I could have done to help lower that. More after a day of reflection... I feel a little disillusioned today to be honest. The type of episodes that happened last night used to be more frequent, and I've gotten better at heading them off. But I realize that there is just a ton of work still to be done -- my wife has been bulldozing through all kinds of boundaries and red lines for years now -- and trying to reverse that damage sometimes seems insurmountable.

[formflier]

I feel a little disillusioned today to be honest. 

We've got you on this...hang in there man.

Best,

FF

[ThanksForPlaying]

How would your family react to knowing the full story? The more you can tell them, the better. Just so it isn't a source of blackmail. You may find that your family takes the news better than you think. Or maybe not. But either way, that's the only way to deleverage that kind of blackmail.

[globalnomad]

While this is all fresh, I'm hoping you can think about the critical moments as the phone call was ending.

What was said?

What could have been said to "be on the same team" (same side) as your pwBPD, without agreeing some all of her statements?

FF

FF - Looking back I can certainly see how I could have done a better job of lowering the temperature. My tendency in these situations is often to get a bit defensive, especially if I start off on the right footing and my wife doesn't let up. For additional context, my family lives halfway across the world and because of time zone issues the only time I can talk to them is evening here on the US east coast.

It went something like this after I got off the phone.

globalnomad: Sorry, that took a bit longer than I was expecting.
wife: I thought you were only going to talk to him for 15 mins.
globalnomad: he wanted some advice about whether to take a new job in xx
wife: why would they move again so quickly? that's stupid. He's really selfish.
globalnomad: i see
wife: but that's what your family is like. and why does your brother think his time is more important than mine?
globalnomad: huh?
wife (raising her voice): well i always come second right? why did you have to talk to your brother tonight of all nights? (this was just a regular night)
globalnomad: he's my brother. i haven't spoken to him for three months and he needed advice.

Things got worse very quickly from there, and eventually escalated to the obligatory threats of divorce and so on.

What could I have done better?

I'm not entirely sure. But probably intervene earlier with another apology, acknowledgment that it must be frustrating when I'm on the phone for so long, and suggest we sit down and spend some quality time together before we went to bed.

I'm not entirely convinced this would have "worked" but it probably would have averted the worst case outcome.

[globalnomad]

How would your family react to knowing the full story? The more you can tell them, the better. Just so it isn't a source of blackmail. You may find that your family takes the news better than you think. Or maybe not. But either way, that's the only way to deleverage that kind of blackmail.

ThanksForPlaying: You make a good point. She does this because she knows she has power over me - I'm obviously ashamed of that particular mistake and would be highly embarrassed to tell my parents about it. And she uses this as a weapon against me. As you say, coming clean would remove that leverage. That said, not sure this is a complete solution as the emotional blackmail is a broader pattern. In the past, threats have included things like canceling vacations and social appointments at the last moment; divorce (her favorite one), or (once or twice) calling the police on me if I don't stop talking.

[formflier]

What could I have done better?

So...first of all, there is no "one right answer", this will likely take some trial and error.  Also, having several different techniques is important so you don't sound like a broken record.

Ding ding...school bell ringing.  Let's talk about what NOT to do.  Sometimes that makes things easier if you take away all the options that are not productive.   Make sense?

Does an explanation help?
 

globalnomad: Sorry, that took a bit longer than I was expecting.
wife: I thought you were only going to talk to him for 15 mins.

proposed better response:  Me too, that took forever... or perhaps [Me too, that took forever...very upsetting]

globalnomad: he wanted some advice about whether to take a new job in xx
wife: why would they move again so quickly? that's stupid. He's really selfish.

proposed better response:  Who knows why people do things?  (now is time for a pivot)  I'm frazzled from that interruption of OUR time..I'm getting a drink, what can I bring you?

globalnomad: i see
wife: but that's what your family is like. and why does your brother think his time is more important than mine?

proposed better response:  Let's focus on our time together

globalnomad: huh?
wife (raising her voice): well i always come second right? why did you have to talk to your brother tonight of all nights? (this was just a regular night)


proposed better response:  Let's stretch our legs on a nice walk

globalnomad: he's my brother. i haven't spoken to him for three months and he needed advice.

Things got worse very quickly from there, and eventually escalated to the obligatory threats of divorce and so on.

Goals

Validate and join her

See how I referenced "our time" and also you are validating how unpleasant the interruption was (vice defending the interruption)

Perhaps just as important, getting "an OK interruption of time" or "kicking the can down the road" just a bit.  By going to get a drink you are letting her have time to stew, vent...or do what she is going to do.

How does this strike you? 

Best,

FF

[globalnomad]

FF - Thanks and this is great food for thought. Your proposed responses would have worked much better I'm sure. I need to work on better automatic responses in these situations. I like the "kick the can down the road" idea too - I've sometimes managed to use that successfully in the past so it probably needs to be in the toolbox too. One thing I've learned is that the longer I stay in a tense situation, the greater the chance I'm going to make a mistake that ups the ante. And once you've made a mistake, it's much harder to bring things back.

[yeeter]

I have been managing the emotional blackmail piece for years. Character assassination to friends and family and even to my children.

As simple as it sounds, the best advice that I can give is

Simply stop worrying about it

Develop your own sense of self, gain confidence in who you are as a person. Forgive yourself for any past behavior that was less than perfect, none of us are perfect. Love yourself as someone that you would show love to.

And simply quit worrying about it. Ignore it. It will either happen or it won’t happen and in my case when she started venting to other people they just simply did not buy it, or more often they just did not care and felt that it was inappropriate airing of a relationship grievance

I cannot think of a single example where someone stop the relationship with me as a result of her narrative

[ThanksForPlaying]

yeeter - I think this is where I was going with my original reply. The ultimate way to deal with emotional blackmail is to be confident enough in yourself to know that it doesn't matter what she tells others.

You have no secrets that are 'bad' enough to bring you down. Everyone has bad things, embarrassing things. Your family may not be proud of you for cheating but you may be surprised to find they still have your back. It's 'embarrassing' to be threatened with divorce, but you're strong enough to handle it. The threat of canceling a vacation or a party is also 'embarrassing' to explain to friends why it happened, but they would probably be proud of you for going by yourself. Police is tricky but you can handle that too - they are often more understanding than you think, because they deal with many other relationship disputes and can often spot 'bpd' even if they don't know exactly what to call it.

A few days ago in the grocery store I got 'don't test me or I will throw a fit right here in the store and embarrass you.' I said 'do what you need to do, I don't see how that embarrasses me, since you're an adult - that seems more embarrassing for you.' And then I noted that it would be sort of embarrassing to have a girlfriend who throws a fit in a grocery store. If my friends had a girlfriend like that, I would feel sorry for them. She seemed to calm down a little thinking about this - she is very concerned that others don't think she's 'crazy'. But it's ok if I see the craziness ha.  Anyway, that's how I TRY to handle the emotional blackmail.

I also just have given up ever expecting her to do any activities with me. I just plan on attending events and vacations by myself, so her threats don't affect my plans. She usually comes along with me in the end. She knows if it's on my calendar, I'm doing it, and I'm not staying home to take care of her. It's still contentious sometimes, but has had a dramatic effect on the blackmail. Of course she finds other ways to make life difficult, but it helps with that part.

[RestlessWanderer]

Globalnomad, this is a tough situation. As you know I was not very successful at finding a way to change situations for the better. Silence was the only tool that I used that helped diffuse things. But that can create other problems.
Do your best to learn the tools so that they become second nature. It is hard work but I’m confident that they can help. Just be sure that you don’t make concessions that represent a double standard (i.e. she talks to whoever/whenever she pleases, but you don’t just to avoid problems).
My W also threatened to out me of my embarrassing mistakes. So, I preemptively told the people most familiar with my situation these secrets. Every single one of them was understanding and accepting (that’s what love feels like).

Keep coming back as often as you can. Bounce things off of us. People like FF can really help you learn how to use the tools well.

Be kind to yourself.

[globalnomad]

A big thanks to Yeeter, ThanksForPlaying and RW for the thoughtful responses above. I think you guys hit the nail on the head - it's about being confident enough in myself that it doesn't really matter what she says to anyone about me. I'm slowly getting there, but it's a journey for sure. The point on attending vacations and events by myself is also appealing. Not always realistic in my current situation with two young kids -- but over time I see how this is something I need to do more of. Thanks again for the additional input.

[RestlessWanderer]

Hi globalnomad, checking in to see how things are going lately. Hopefully better

[globalnomad]

Hey RestlessWanderer - Things have generally been better but as always just when I feel like there's some progress we have a bad day. As I write this my wife has again convinced herself she has covid - but is refusing to take a test and generally using me as an emotional punching bag. I have been unable to work at all today. This stuff is tough to deal with. That said I am increasingly realizing she is suffering from depression in addition to the BPD -- and an empathetic response is needed on some level. Thanks for checking in.