Do I have to reach out to my sister with BPD? Trying to maintain boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi friends,

I have a very strained relationship with my BPD sister, who was diagnosed several years ago. This summer she lashed out at me, telling me I'm a horrible mother and daughter for only doing driveway visits with our 90-yr old parents and my daughter/their granddaughter and wearing a mask when I see them. And for some reason she also felt the need to tell me that she visits with our parents inside the house and without a mask. Fine. You do you. Hopefully our parents won't get sick.

Since then, we have not talked much, except for a few times when she would send friendly texts like nothing had happened. I've responded cordially enough but it's definitely not like it used to be, because I've decided I'm done enabling, I'm done walking on eggshells, I'm done taking more than 50% of the responsibility for this relationship.

This week she was diagnosed covid. (Thankfully she has not been visiting our parents.) She texted me to let me know she has it and I responded with "Sorry to hear that. Glad it's a mild case." Predictably, this was not enough for her. Now our parents are pressuring me (as they always do) to reach out to her to see how she is. (She doesn't feel great according to my parents but is not in the hospital or anything.)

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to reach out. I'm angry and want to say "thank goodness you didn't get our parents sick." Not sure what to do. I kind of feel like my response of "sorry to hear it" was adequate, but if I don't reach out, it will have permanent consequences: she will always remember that I sent my one reply but didn't follow up again. Since I want some distance from her, maybe that's not such a bad thing?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Ouch9999]

Hi friends,

I have a very strained relationship with my BPD sister, who was diagnosed several years ago. This summer she lashed out at me, telling me I'm a horrible mother and daughter for only doing driveway visits with our 90-yr old parents and my daughter/their granddaughter and wearing a mask when I see them. And for some reason she also felt the need to tell me that she visits with our parents inside the house and without a mask. Fine. You do you. Hopefully our parents won't get sick.

Since then, we have not talked much, except for a few times when she would send friendly texts like nothing had happened. I've responded cordially enough but it's definitely not like it used to be, because I've decided I'm done enabling, I'm done walking on eggshells, I'm done taking more than 50% of the responsibility for this relationship.

This week she was diagnosed covid. (Thankfully she has not been visiting our parents.) She texted me to let me know she has it and I responded with "Sorry to hear that. Glad it's a mild case." Predictably, this was not enough for her. Now our parents are pressuring me (as they always do) to reach out to her to see how she is. (She doesn't feel great according to my parents but is not in the hospital or anything.)

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to reach out. I'm angry and want to say "thank goodness you didn't get our parents sick." Not sure what to do. I kind of feel like my response of "sorry to hear it" was adequate, but if I don't reach out, it will have permanent consequences: she will always remember that I sent my one reply but didn't follow up again. Since I want some distance from her, maybe that's not such a bad thing?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[GaGrl]

What would you typically do it she had an infectious disease, like a bad cold or influenza?

[Ouch9999]

Great question. Exactly what I have done so far, and no more.

Thank you for framing it that way. It really helps.

[Lucky83]

I see nothing inappropriate about your response. It’s too bad that your parents are getting in the middle of it, but you are right to carefully manage your communications with your sister.

[GaGrl]

If you would typically pick up and drop off meds, food, drinks, etc. you might offer that. Again, there's no reason to do more or less than you would for any other illness.

[Mtnlvr8]

Completely agree! Do not let your parents guilt you into taking more responsibility for her! It is likely their own tendency to do so that is part of why she has learned her patterns of behavior are ok. You are actually helping her more by setting firm boundaries rather than enabling her. I know it is so hard when someone judges you for not doing enough, it has happened to me several times and I second guess myself and reach out only to regret it. I hope your parents can reach a point where they are on the same page as you, but in the meantime you must trust yourself and maintain those boundaries!