10 year relationship falling to pieces after baby

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we now have a 9 month old baby. Our relationship has completely fallen to pieces and we have both spoken with divorce lawyers. Our current situation is that I am living in my own place with our son part time and working where our home is the other part of the time (it’s 2 hours away) and spending those few days every week with my husband. I care for our son full time aside from when I work and he’s at daycare.

Before the baby, we were so in love. He was excited to be a father and we planned to have this child. We spent all of our time together. I suffered from some post partum depression and have been treated but that was the beginning of the decline. That brought on many arguments and ultimately led to my husband not spending time with me or my son. He started doing various extreme sports, having an intense need for friends and to be accepted, and saying he did not want to be a father because of the image behind it. He also started telling me he wants to cheat and wants other women. Because of this, I started snooping into his phone- feeling like I couldn’t trust him. He has a very close “friendship” with a female coworker. He doesn’t admit to having feelings toward her but when I snoop he’s searching things like how to stop wanting other women and how to know if a coworker is interested in you. I have lost all trust in him. He has intense outbursts where he whips his belt around, slamming doors, has hit our dog, thrown glasses. He has started using alcohol and marijuana almost daily. Looking back, he has always had these periodic outbursts but they were never directed at me. Now, everything is my fault according to him.

He will be great and say he loves me and wants this relationship to work for a few days, and then before I know it he hates me and wants someone else. The huge emotional swings are destroying me and any semblance we have at repairing this. I have sought therapy for myself and we’ve realized he has BPD. The signs have always been there but they were so infrequent I never realized. However, he says he doesn’t want to be lumped into a group and does not want to be treated.

I’m really crushed. I recently decided I cannot continue seeing him weekly like I have been. I start to work on me and being with our son and then being exposed to my husband just sends me into feeling down and sad about our situation. I’m basically a single mother at this point. It’s so difficult to maintain boundaries. I want to help him and have the relationship we once had. I’m losing hope for that possibility. I feel alone, sad, angry. Does anyone have words of wisdom?

[Wife struggling]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we now have a 9 month old baby. Our relationship has completely fallen to pieces and we have both spoken with divorce lawyers. Our current situation is that I am living in my own place with our son part time and working where our home is the other part of the time (it’s 2 hours away) and spending those few days every week with my husband. I care for our son full time aside from when I work and he’s at daycare.

Before the baby, we were so in love. He was excited to be a father and we planned to have this child. We spent all of our time together. I suffered from some post partum depression and have been treated but that was the beginning of the decline. That brought on many arguments and ultimately led to my husband not spending time with me or my son. He started doing various extreme sports, having an intense need for friends and to be accepted, and saying he did not want to be a father because of the image behind it. He also started telling me he wants to cheat and wants other women. Because of this, I started snooping into his phone- feeling like I couldn’t trust him. He has a very close “friendship” with a female coworker. He doesn’t admit to having feelings toward her but when I snoop he’s searching things like how to stop wanting other women and how to know if a coworker is interested in you. I have lost all trust in him. He has intense outbursts where he whips his belt around, slamming doors, has hit our dog, thrown glasses. He has started using alcohol and marijuana almost daily. Looking back, he has always had these periodic outbursts but they were never directed at me. Now, everything is my fault according to him.

He will be great and say he loves me and wants this relationship to work for a few days, and then before I know it he hates me and wants someone else. The huge emotional swings are destroying me and any semblance we have at repairing this. I have sought therapy for myself and we’ve realized he has BPD. The signs have always been there but they were so infrequent I never realized. However, he says he doesn’t want to be lumped into a group and does not want to be treated.

I’m really crushed. I recently decided I cannot continue seeing him weekly like I have been. I start to work on me and being with our son and then being exposed to my husband just sends me into feeling down and sad about our situation. I’m basically a single mother at this point. It’s so difficult to maintain boundaries. I want to help him and have the relationship we once had. I’m losing hope for that possibility. I feel alone, sad, angry. Does anyone have words of wisdom?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this tremendously difficult position.  

I can make a guess as to why your relationship changed so dramatically after the birth of your child.

Mortality—a child really gives parents a sense of the fragility of life, aging and its associated decline in strength, vitality, health, attractiveness.

That people who have BPD have an unstable sense of self might explain his shifting moods. And it seems likely that he fears the loss of his youth.

Whether or not your relationship ends, this article might have some useful ideas:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[truthdevotee]

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. It is so difficult =(

I don't have words of wisdom. Only, be proud of yourself for going through what you're going through. Take care of yourself. Do nice things for you. Reach out to friends and keep us posted.

Your baby boy is so lucky to have you. I'm sorry this has occurred and hope it can heal.