My first post - I need support

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I have been lurking on this forum for a couple of months now.. how ever i never thought i would post on this forum here i am..
I will shortly introduce myself but im trying to stay as anonymous as i can be so you can just call me W. i am 30 years of age and i live in europe. I am not really good with my english so please bare with me haha.

I have been in a relationship with my ex who is diagnosed with bpd for 3,5 years.
Our relationship had a lot of good and bad times.. like most of the topics i read on this forum..

When me and my ex met she was in a relationship with some one who was in jail and i was married when i met her.. we were so inlove with eachother and it just happened to be that way so i divorced and she stopped her relationship.. this was 3,5 years back in the past..

I find it hard to explain everything that happend in the relationship because there is just to much to tell but i wanna focus on the things that matter for me now..

so after we got into our relationship we were so happy together and after 6 months she told me her ex got out of prison and she wants to get back to him.. so i accepted it .. i did not accept it at first but finally decided to give her a call and tell her ill let her go because i didnt want to stand in her way of happiness.. so i also contacted my ex wife and told her about everything and we decided to give it another go aswell and we were back together for only 1 week and because i have a daughter with my ex wife we straight up came back together and lived together again.. i packed all my stuff and went back to my ex wifes house..

after a week my BPD-ex called me.. i was watching tv and she said.. i really miss you i made a huge mistake.. i told her i am back at my exwife she wanted me out of there i needed to come see her straight away.. i obviously still felt for her and i shouldnt have gone back to my ex wife straight away that was a huge mistake but later that day in the evening i went over to my BPD ex and we talked and talked and we got back together.. i then went back to her house the day after and me and my exwife really split up from that moment. (i just wanna say me and my exwife are now in a healthy co parenting) and we have good communicating)  because obviously i made some few mistakes and i know i have hurt my exwife with this a lot but thats all in the past now..

let me continue .. so i got back to my bpd-ex and we lived together..  we had some arguements here and there because at first she wanted me to divorce my ex and i said its done im divorced but i wasnt divorced yet and she found out.. but she just wanted it done the day after i told my ex wife about it .. it just doesnt go that easy.. it takes some time.. so i kinda lied about it and i still hear my ex telling me she hates me for doing that to her.. till this day.. so yeah we had our arguements and i also hated it that she went back to her ex and dumped me for him etc.. so we already had our problems with that situation.. so where was i? after another 6months have passed i was now with my ex bpd for 1 year..

we had another arguement  because she has a daughter with her ex who was in prison.. he never looked at his daughter he never called and suddenly he called and wanted to see her.. so i said okay.. u can go meet him and show him his daughter.. im not gonna stand in the way of that.. so they meet up and they went to the beach with their daughter.. i kept messaging her every hour asking how things are going.. she replied its all going good .. she sends some pictures and then it was  dinner time.. suddenly she said yeah im gonna make dinner now and he is gonna stay for dinner. i didnt like what i heard so i replied.. i dont really like where this is going.. so we got into an fight and she broke up with me on the phone...

now it was the second time we broke up because of her ex... so yeah.. this all happend on friday.. the day after on saturday it was the day we were gonna move to another house... because she had found a bigger house and it was all planned we was gonna move to the other house.. now she was with her ex... she was with him.. he helped moving.. and he stayed there.. i was literally so pissed and i couldnt accept the way she did me dirty... she blocked me everywhere so everyday a whole week long i emailed her how much i love her and i really want to be with her.. 2 weeks gone by and i finally get called by her.. let me call you back when he leaves the house... so she called back and said she really wants me back.. and he is still the same guy he used to be he didnt change he doesnt help with her daughter he doesnt do anything but drink and then i said ok.. come meet me i need to see you asap.. so i picked her up at the train station.. we had sex at my house and i said you gotta make sure he leaves the house right now to day... so she went back to her place and she took all his stuff put in in the yard.. i was video calling with her and saw her do so.. he came back at like 23;00 at night drunk and he started going crazy because he cant be outside at that time because he just got out of prison..

so police came and he finally left.. the day after i was back with her.. finally things got a little better. we finally had a good whole year together.. some arguements here and there but it was good.. then she got pregnant of me... we were now together for 2 years and she was pregnant of me and i was in a happy place so was she.. then after 9 months our little boy come to earth.. and i thank god everyday for giving me my babyboy because i love him so much he is the best thing that has ever happend to me same as my daughter.

So from here it started to get really toxic... we were living together everything was fine.. no ex ..no other person who was doing PLEASE READ to harm our family.. it was all good.. but then she started to telling me she doesnt wanna be with me no more because im only focusing on my self... i was always there for her the whole 9 months she carried my babyboy and i was getting up every night at 2 and 5 for my boy to get his milk and i was always helping in the house.. i was always doing the dishes and i literally did everything in the house.. she also did the same but in my eyes we did it together..

 i havent seen my mates in a long time.. from the start of our relationship.. so after 6 months my boy is 6 months old.. i started getting back into the gym and working out with my boys.. and we did this every day only for 1 hour a day but mo-fri..
she didnt like the fact i was always leaving her with our son for working out.. so then she started telling me she doesnt want me to go on the playstation at night when i finally have some time for myself.. i feel like playing some videogames.. so i did sometimes  3 days a week sometimes only once a week.. but everytime i did that she started telling me i never help her and i only have eye for the playstation..

So she really keeps telling me till this day i have left her alone so many times and she felt bad about it etc..

so this kept going for another whole 6months and my boy has now turned 1.. so we went to couple therapy and we made some rules... it did go well.. i was gonna wake up in the weekend at 10:00 in the morning on saturday and on sunday it was her day to sleep till 10:00.. this went good.. but after a couple of weeks.. and let me just tell you i install solar panels on the roof mo-fri from 6:00 in the morning till 16:00 or later.. and i have a really hard job.. so i overslept the alarm.. it was 10:15 she started shouting from down stairs... W . WAKE UP WAKE UP.. i can be in trance when i sleep.. i finally heard her screaming and she came upstairs telling me i have to leave.. this is it.. i have to go.. she doesnt want me no more.. its over.. it really happend fast...

i was out with all my stuff back to my moms house.. then i told her.. you could have just come upstairs.. wake me up.. W can you wake up its already 10:15 can u wake up please.. like that would be normal.. but she acted like a maniac and i told her.. she didnt wanna hear it.. so we split up again.. then i came back to her house again and lived there.. and she kicked me back out.. i cant even remember how many times i got kicked out... its to much for my memory to remember at this point..

but the last time she kicked me out .. we havent talked for a week.. then i found out she had sex with her other ex.. not the one from prison but the one where she has a son with.. he is already 11.. so she had sex with him when we were broken up for a week.. so i got so mad again... i couldnt believe what she did.. i came over to her house we talked but it didnt go as planned.. we argued and i left... then my mom called me.. come to the hospital your dad had a seizure.. i told me ex.. she came with me with straight away.. these were 3 really hard weeks for me .. my dad was in coma for 3 weeks and eventually passed away.. in that time my ex bpd was with me again and we just forgot about all the thinsg that happen..

we were just back together.. then again.. 2020... we had another arguement she kicked me out again.. now she told me after a week of no contact it will all be fine.. but my mate told me he saw her with another man.. (my mate lives in the same street).. so i told him check up on her.. he looked at the window saw a man sitting there .. i lost my mind and went over... we had a arguement.. no harm was done but i did kick the front door a couple of times ... then i left.. after a couple of weeks she got back with me.. this was such a PLEASE READ time for me.. since may 2020 till october i was with her but she didnt want to have sex.. she didnt want anything from me.. she kinda hated me.. she told me so many times she is just done with this relationship etc.. so i lived at my moms house after the whole situation that happend in may.. but i kept coming over most likely 3 days a week..

but it was just a nightmare for me.. i did everything for her.. and i always did but at this point from may 2020 i just knew i had to step up my game because i was losing her.. i bought everything she wanted.. she always wanted to re decorate the house.. i think i have bought all the stuff in the house in black colors and in white colors... within a short time of what? 6 months.. i have checked my bank and i have send her around 12.000 euros just to her account..within the 3 years i was with her.. because i always gave her everything she wanted.. i always tried to please her.. i was always planning trips .. always bought clothing for her and the kids... also a lot of vacations i have paid for.. i was really a good person for her and she knows that but she just hates me for the things i have done bad.. she can never forgive me for that and she will always remind me of that, but in my eyes i have forgiven her for the things she did and i really put in in a place where i can just leave it be the past.. . sex was always good until may 2020.. it only happend like 1 time a week.. she never wanted to have sex.. she started smoking marihuana at night and then we just chilled we was laying in bed together it all felt fine.. but she never wanted sex.. ..  so then i had my son with my at my mothers house in the beginning of october.. i was gonna go over to her house at sunday and bring my son back to her house and i was gonna sleep there and go back work the next day.. it did not go as planned...

she heard my mom saying some things in the kitchen towards me.. my mom didnt like the fact she had her girlfriend still in the house because she slept over from saturday till sunday..  we also had to buy food for her.. because we brought food for just us and the kids.. and she heard my mom in the kitchen whispering why did she not tell us she was still her.. etc.. so my ex got so mad... and went upstairs and everything just went bad.. she started shouting its just over between me and you and you and your mom gotta leave i cant stand this no more.. so i kinda flipped because i was doing everything for her and she didnt respect it..  so i hit the door like 6 times and theres a couple holes in it.. i know its bad.. and not good.. i know.. then the police caught me and i was there for 3 days... then when i came out they gave me a restraining order i couldnt come near her house or contact her for 3 months.. this was hard for me..

i didnt even want this at all.. i still love her till this day but okay.. my story finally almost comes to an end and i respect it if you take time to read this whole long story...

So i did not contact her at all.. because i dont want any more troubles.. so then she contacted me after 5 days.. we started talking again.. we saw eachother almost 1 time a week to have sex etc.. i still gave her money because she asked for it.. so i gave her money etc.. then suddenly at the end of november she started seeing some one else.. she was with this person till the end of december.. then she called me saying.. i broke up with him because he was acting crazy and she wasnt feeling safe for the kids.. so she told me she wants to come back with me.. but she cant because her son saw me smacking the door and he has a trauma and he is scared of me etc.. so we saw eachother again whole january till the time i saw her at 26 of january.. then she called me again saying.. i really love you and i wanna work things out.. so i said ok let me come over on saturday 6 february and lets talk.. then it was 6 february and she called me .. i cant do this .. i cant be seeing you while my son is scared of you .. im sorry i shouldnt have contacted you and i shouldnt have said i loved you etc..

i got kinda mad because i really thought she wanted to work things out.. but yeah we had an arguement we blocked eachother everywhere.. so the week after she was with another man.. she is now dating another guy... and i know for fact because my mate saw a guy walk out of her house when he just got back from work.. and he saw him leave around 20:45 because its lockdown and we have a night clock we cant be outside after 21;00 so he left.. so now i know she is with some one else again..

Also i need to add this to my story.. i my self have been dating my self for a month now and my ex found out.. she asked me 2 weeks ago to stop that relationship because she doesnt want to be in contact with me if i have another girlfriend because it will make her feel angry and sad etc... so i told her if she wants to be with me i will stop that contact.. but obviously she is dating now so yeah.


Now i just wanna know, because yes i have so many questions..

As you can clearly tell she keeps coming back when she feels lonely... we do have a son together and i have to pick him up or my mom will do that every 2 weeks on friday and bring back on sunday..


I have made a rule for my self im going in no contact from this day for a whole month just to have some time of this whole toxic situation and just focus on work and fitness etc... and i will probly continue the 1 month no contact and i know for a fact she wont contact me because in december she didnt contact me at all when she was with that other guy.. so i know she is not gonna contact me while she is dating or already in another relationship..

So my questions:

- Will she come back again when her new relationship or dating is failing?
- Why is she still coming back to me everytime?
- Will she contact me again if i leave her alone? No-contact


She clearly made her point she still loves me but cant be with me because of her son.. so now she is just probly dating again because she doesnt wanna be alone.. and i feel she has the feeling she cant be alone..

I love her so much.. i would always come back to her even though i know its gonna be toxic.. but i know if there comes a time.. i will do my best to make this work and go in therapy and make sure it will work.. i just know her so well.. but yeah..

 

[CallmeDoubleU]

Hello,

I have been lurking on this forum for a couple of months now.. how ever i never thought i would post on this forum here i am..
I will shortly introduce myself but im trying to stay as anonymous as i can be so you can just call me W. i am 30 years of age and i live in europe. I am not really good with my english so please bare with me haha.

I have been in a relationship with my ex who is diagnosed with bpd for 3,5 years.
Our relationship had a lot of good and bad times.. like most of the topics i read on this forum..

When me and my ex met she was in a relationship with some one who was in jail and i was married when i met her.. we were so inlove with eachother and it just happened to be that way so i divorced and she stopped her relationship.. this was 3,5 years back in the past..

I find it hard to explain everything that happend in the relationship because there is just to much to tell but i wanna focus on the things that matter for me now..

so after we got into our relationship we were so happy together and after 6 months she told me her ex got out of prison and she wants to get back to him.. so i accepted it .. i did not accept it at first but finally decided to give her a call and tell her ill let her go because i didnt want to stand in her way of happiness.. so i also contacted my ex wife and told her about everything and we decided to give it another go aswell and we were back together for only 1 week and because i have a daughter with my ex wife we straight up came back together and lived together again.. i packed all my stuff and went back to my ex wifes house..

after a week my BPD-ex called me.. i was watching tv and she said.. i really miss you i made a huge mistake.. i told her i am back at my exwife she wanted me out of there i needed to come see her straight away.. i obviously still felt for her and i shouldnt have gone back to my ex wife straight away that was a huge mistake but later that day in the evening i went over to my BPD ex and we talked and talked and we got back together.. i then went back to her house the day after and me and my exwife really split up from that moment. (i just wanna say me and my exwife are now in a healthy co parenting) and we have good communicating)  because obviously i made some few mistakes and i know i have hurt my exwife with this a lot but thats all in the past now..

let me continue .. so i got back to my bpd-ex and we lived together..  we had some arguements here and there because at first she wanted me to divorce my ex and i said its done im divorced but i wasnt divorced yet and she found out.. but she just wanted it done the day after i told my ex wife about it .. it just doesnt go that easy.. it takes some time.. so i kinda lied about it and i still hear my ex telling me she hates me for doing that to her.. till this day.. so yeah we had our arguements and i also hated it that she went back to her ex and dumped me for him etc.. so we already had our problems with that situation.. so where was i? after another 6months have passed i was now with my ex bpd for 1 year..

we had another arguement  because she has a daughter with her ex who was in prison.. he never looked at his daughter he never called and suddenly he called and wanted to see her.. so i said okay.. u can go meet him and show him his daughter.. im not gonna stand in the way of that.. so they meet up and they went to the beach with their daughter.. i kept messaging her every hour asking how things are going.. she replied its all going good .. she sends some pictures and then it was  dinner time.. suddenly she said yeah im gonna make dinner now and he is gonna stay for dinner. i didnt like what i heard so i replied.. i dont really like where this is going.. so we got into an fight and she broke up with me on the phone...

now it was the second time we broke up because of her ex... so yeah.. this all happend on friday.. the day after on saturday it was the day we were gonna move to another house... because she had found a bigger house and it was all planned we was gonna move to the other house.. now she was with her ex... she was with him.. he helped moving.. and he stayed there.. i was literally so pissed and i couldnt accept the way she did me dirty... she blocked me everywhere so everyday a whole week long i emailed her how much i love her and i really want to be with her.. 2 weeks gone by and i finally get called by her.. let me call you back when he leaves the house... so she called back and said she really wants me back.. and he is still the same guy he used to be he didnt change he doesnt help with her daughter he doesnt do anything but drink and then i said ok.. come meet me i need to see you asap.. so i picked her up at the train station.. we had sex at my house and i said you gotta make sure he leaves the house right now to day... so she went back to her place and she took all his stuff put in in the yard.. i was video calling with her and saw her do so.. he came back at like 23;00 at night drunk and he started going crazy because he cant be outside at that time because he just got out of prison..

so police came and he finally left.. the day after i was back with her.. finally things got a little better. we finally had a good whole year together.. some arguements here and there but it was good.. then she got pregnant of me... we were now together for 2 years and she was pregnant of me and i was in a happy place so was she.. then after 9 months our little boy come to earth.. and i thank god everyday for giving me my babyboy because i love him so much he is the best thing that has ever happend to me same as my daughter.

So from here it started to get really toxic... we were living together everything was fine.. no ex ..no other person who was doing PLEASE READ to harm our family.. it was all good.. but then she started to telling me she doesnt wanna be with me no more because im only focusing on my self... i was always there for her the whole 9 months she carried my babyboy and i was getting up every night at 2 and 5 for my boy to get his milk and i was always helping in the house.. i was always doing the dishes and i literally did everything in the house.. she also did the same but in my eyes we did it together..

 i havent seen my mates in a long time.. from the start of our relationship.. so after 6 months my boy is 6 months old.. i started getting back into the gym and working out with my boys.. and we did this every day only for 1 hour a day but mo-fri..
she didnt like the fact i was always leaving her with our son for working out.. so then she started telling me she doesnt want me to go on the playstation at night when i finally have some time for myself.. i feel like playing some videogames.. so i did sometimes  3 days a week sometimes only once a week.. but everytime i did that she started telling me i never help her and i only have eye for the playstation..

So she really keeps telling me till this day i have left her alone so many times and she felt bad about it etc..

so this kept going for another whole 6months and my boy has now turned 1.. so we went to couple therapy and we made some rules... it did go well.. i was gonna wake up in the weekend at 10:00 in the morning on saturday and on sunday it was her day to sleep till 10:00.. this went good.. but after a couple of weeks.. and let me just tell you i install solar panels on the roof mo-fri from 6:00 in the morning till 16:00 or later.. and i have a really hard job.. so i overslept the alarm.. it was 10:15 she started shouting from down stairs... W . WAKE UP WAKE UP.. i can be in trance when i sleep.. i finally heard her screaming and she came upstairs telling me i have to leave.. this is it.. i have to go.. she doesnt want me no more.. its over.. it really happend fast...

i was out with all my stuff back to my moms house.. then i told her.. you could have just come upstairs.. wake me up.. W can you wake up its already 10:15 can u wake up please.. like that would be normal.. but she acted like a maniac and i told her.. she didnt wanna hear it.. so we split up again.. then i came back to her house again and lived there.. and she kicked me back out.. i cant even remember how many times i got kicked out... its to much for my memory to remember at this point..

but the last time she kicked me out .. we havent talked for a week.. then i found out she had sex with her other ex.. not the one from prison but the one where she has a son with.. he is already 11.. so she had sex with him when we were broken up for a week.. so i got so mad again... i couldnt believe what she did.. i came over to her house we talked but it didnt go as planned.. we argued and i left... then my mom called me.. come to the hospital your dad had a seizure.. i told me ex.. she came with me with straight away.. these were 3 really hard weeks for me .. my dad was in coma for 3 weeks and eventually passed away.. in that time my ex bpd was with me again and we just forgot about all the thinsg that happen..

we were just back together.. then again.. 2020... we had another arguement she kicked me out again.. now she told me after a week of no contact it will all be fine.. but my mate told me he saw her with another man.. (my mate lives in the same street).. so i told him check up on her.. he looked at the window saw a man sitting there .. i lost my mind and went over... we had a arguement.. no harm was done but i did kick the front door a couple of times ... then i left.. after a couple of weeks she got back with me.. this was such a PLEASE READ time for me.. since may 2020 till october i was with her but she didnt want to have sex.. she didnt want anything from me.. she kinda hated me.. she told me so many times she is just done with this relationship etc.. so i lived at my moms house after the whole situation that happend in may.. but i kept coming over most likely 3 days a week..

but it was just a nightmare for me.. i did everything for her.. and i always did but at this point from may 2020 i just knew i had to step up my game because i was losing her.. i bought everything she wanted.. she always wanted to re decorate the house.. i think i have bought all the stuff in the house in black colors and in white colors... within a short time of what? 6 months.. i have checked my bank and i have send her around 12.000 euros just to her account..within the 3 years i was with her.. because i always gave her everything she wanted.. i always tried to please her.. i was always planning trips .. always bought clothing for her and the kids... also a lot of vacations i have paid for.. i was really a good person for her and she knows that but she just hates me for the things i have done bad.. she can never forgive me for that and she will always remind me of that, but in my eyes i have forgiven her for the things she did and i really put in in a place where i can just leave it be the past.. . sex was always good until may 2020.. it only happend like 1 time a week.. she never wanted to have sex.. she started smoking marihuana at night and then we just chilled we was laying in bed together it all felt fine.. but she never wanted sex.. ..  so then i had my son with my at my mothers house in the beginning of october.. i was gonna go over to her house at sunday and bring my son back to her house and i was gonna sleep there and go back work the next day.. it did not go as planned...

she heard my mom saying some things in the kitchen towards me.. my mom didnt like the fact she had her girlfriend still in the house because she slept over from saturday till sunday..  we also had to buy food for her.. because we brought food for just us and the kids.. and she heard my mom in the kitchen whispering why did she not tell us she was still her.. etc.. so my ex got so mad... and went upstairs and everything just went bad.. she started shouting its just over between me and you and you and your mom gotta leave i cant stand this no more.. so i kinda flipped because i was doing everything for her and she didnt respect it..  so i hit the door like 6 times and theres a couple holes in it.. i know its bad.. and not good.. i know.. then the police caught me and i was there for 3 days... then when i came out they gave me a restraining order i couldnt come near her house or contact her for 3 months.. this was hard for me..

i didnt even want this at all.. i still love her till this day but okay.. my story finally almost comes to an end and i respect it if you take time to read this whole long story...

So i did not contact her at all.. because i dont want any more troubles.. so then she contacted me after 5 days.. we started talking again.. we saw eachother almost 1 time a week to have sex etc.. i still gave her money because she asked for it.. so i gave her money etc.. then suddenly at the end of november she started seeing some one else.. she was with this person till the end of december.. then she called me saying.. i broke up with him because he was acting crazy and she wasnt feeling safe for the kids.. so she told me she wants to come back with me.. but she cant because her son saw me smacking the door and he has a trauma and he is scared of me etc.. so we saw eachother again whole january till the time i saw her at 26 of january.. then she called me again saying.. i really love you and i wanna work things out.. so i said ok let me come over on saturday 6 february and lets talk.. then it was 6 february and she called me .. i cant do this .. i cant be seeing you while my son is scared of you .. im sorry i shouldnt have contacted you and i shouldnt have said i loved you etc..

i got kinda mad because i really thought she wanted to work things out.. but yeah we had an arguement we blocked eachother everywhere.. so the week after she was with another man.. she is now dating another guy... and i know for fact because my mate saw a guy walk out of her house when he just got back from work.. and he saw him leave around 20:45 because its lockdown and we have a night clock we cant be outside after 21;00 so he left.. so now i know she is with some one else again..

Also i need to add this to my story.. i my self have been dating my self for a month now and my ex found out.. she asked me 2 weeks ago to stop that relationship because she doesnt want to be in contact with me if i have another girlfriend because it will make her feel angry and sad etc... so i told her if she wants to be with me i will stop that contact.. but obviously she is dating now so yeah.


Now i just wanna know, because yes i have so many questions..

As you can clearly tell she keeps coming back when she feels lonely... we do have a son together and i have to pick him up or my mom will do that every 2 weeks on friday and bring back on sunday..


I have made a rule for my self im going in no contact from this day for a whole month just to have some time of this whole toxic situation and just focus on work and fitness etc... and i will probly continue the 1 month no contact and i know for a fact she wont contact me because in december she didnt contact me at all when she was with that other guy.. so i know she is not gonna contact me while she is dating or already in another relationship..

So my questions:

- Will she come back again when her new relationship or dating is failing?
- Why is she still coming back to me everytime?
- Will she contact me again if i leave her alone? No-contact


She clearly made her point she still loves me but cant be with me because of her son.. so now she is just probly dating again because she doesnt wanna be alone.. and i feel she has the feeling she cant be alone..

I love her so much.. i would always come back to her even though i know its gonna be toxic.. but i know if there comes a time.. i will do my best to make this work and go in therapy and make sure it will work.. i just know her so well.. but yeah..

 

[SinisterComplex]

So Dub...yeah I'll go with Dub just because it sounds cool as a nickname. LOL.

Ok, so there is a lot to unpack here. First, thank you for sharing and welcome to this board. Its a big step getting all this stuff out there. We are all here to help you.

What is your desired outcome here? What do you really want to happen? So something I want to point out here...if you are going into No Contact you need to take it seriously to heart. You go into No Contact to protect yourself and to build yourself back up...never as a punishment to other the individual. I don't see that being your intent which is good. However, you also need to have in mind that the true ideal of No Contact is to approach it with the thought of truly letting go and not caring about the outcome. What I mean is that perhaps you never hear from her again and you have to be ok with that. Approach No Contact with that mind set. NC is not something to be used frivolously.

Please take this time to heal yourself and develop a better and stronger relationship with yourself. You have to work on outcome independence and focus on going after your goals. You have to break away from the co-dependent mind set...that is very unhealthy. In this situation you need to completely let go and just let nature takes it course. You cannot control the outcome. Only focus on what you can control and that is YOU and how you respond.

Let's go from there. I urge you to keep posting and engage others on this board as well. Lots of awesome people on this board and everyone will offer you different insight and different perspectives.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[CallmeDoubleU]

If i am couple honest with myself..

I wanna be with her.. even if its in a couple of months or in 3 years i dont really care.. but i wanna go no contact because the way it has been going back and forth with good communication one day and bad fights the other day it is just killing me slowly.. i am losing my self.. even more then i already have..

I wanna go no contact because i think its the best way for me.. even though i have to see her every 2 weeks because i have to pick up my son on friday and bring him back on  sunday.. i still think its good to have no contact .. no messages, no whatsapp , no calls .. what im thinking how i want this to go if just pick up my son and talk about my son if needed.. and drop him off again.. no talks about me and her..

I feel heartbroken but i need to move on. I am sure she will come back sooner or later but i cant wait around for another dissapointment.

[tvda]

Dub, I've drawn the comparison on other posts on this board already, to heroine or cocaine...

You sound addicted - to her, to the drama... Your account has soo many red flags and the loss of yourself is apparent. Everything you write is extremely unhealthy, it's eating you up, but still you want to be with her... You feel miserable, and the only thing that can make you feel better is another hit of your drug...

It sound like a really, really, really toxic situation, and I think you should get out as fast as you can. And go through withdrawal from your addiction, yes. This will hurt. But it's necessary for you to have a healthy life again.

[CallmeDoubleU]

I am aware its really toxic and unhealthy however i still believe me and her could work things out with proffesional help however she doesnt want me she doesnt even contact me at this point and im sure she hates me so im trying not to think about how it could be in the future etc.. but i am sure aware i am addicted to her.. not to the pain.. because i hate it... i cant stand the problems and i really want her.. but not at this point and how the things are going at the moment.. however i cant leave 100% i still have to see her every 2 weeks to drop of my son and pick him up.. but if i just focus on dropping him and picking him up and act like there is no other issue or problem with me and her and go fully no contact beside the fact i will see her every 2 weeks..

Will this still work for me to go in no contact?
Will she feel better if i act normal and wont call her or mail her stuff like i love you and i wanna be with you ? Even tho i shouldnt really focus on what she is feeling because i am important at this moment and also my son is.. she is clearly thinking about herself aswel because she is already dating a second person after our break up..

I just dont understand why she told me she loves me and wants me back 2 weeks ago and then 1 week ago she told me she shud have never said the things she said we never gonna be together no more.. then i called her bad names and got mad.. she then said.. if u gonna call me bad names and act the way you are doing now we are never gonna get back together..


Its just weird.. im trying to understand my mind is thinking about all the solutions every minute of the day.. i dont wanna feel this way.. i am heartbroken i feel broken .. i hate this feeling..

I think i really need to talk to a psychologist.

[CallmeDoubleU]

**UPDATE**

So was having no contact since this monday and today she called me while i was at work..
My phone started ringing and when i saw it was her i was kinda like: What does she wanttt? is it good ? is it badd?
So i picked up

she asked me: Are you working?

I replied: Yes i am..

She: Never mind then

Me: Tell me why are you asking me this?

She: Your son keeps shouting daddy,daddy whole day long i thought maybe you could pick him up today instead of tomorrow..

Me: I cant, even though i would love to but im at work sorry.

This is where we said okay bye..



Now i am not sure why she really called me..

Is it because she really wanted my son to go to my place?
Did she just wanna see if i picked up if she called?
Does she want her son to be at my place so she has a early weekend so she could be with her new boyfriend?

Now thats everything thats in my mind right now.. and i know i shouldnt be overthinking and you can tell me i shouldnt but i really do this a LOT and it has always has been this way..

Anyway ... She knows for a FACT that i am always working mo-fri... so i dont even know why she would asked me this..
its just strange to me i dont really get the point... she knows my life.. she knows what i do in my spare time and she knows i am always working...

Do you guys think that maybe she just wanted to see if i was still available? I just dont know...
My mind keeps telling me she just wants my son to be at my place earlier so she can be with her new flame..

[tvda]

DoubleU,

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are really obsessing over every minute detail. Don't overthink so much - you will make yourself crazy.

Not everything a BPD does has a reason. Maybe she just wanted you to pick up your son. Because she was tired or stressed, or wanted to go for a walk. There's not always a hidden motive.

And even if there is a motive behind her actions, don't expect logic or sense.

I also wanted to get back to you about your hope that maybe things could be fixed with professional help... Please don't put too much hope in this...

Professional help sometimes works. Provided the following conditions:
- A lot of conscious effort on the part of the person with BPD
- Strong willpower and determination
- A great therapist
- Loots of time
- A very stable and harmonious context
- No 'external' people trying to create chaos
- General stability and lack of stress in the BPD's life

IF all of the above are present, than there is a small chance. Professional help is not a magic bullet.

[once removed]

Will this still work for me to go in no contact?

no. no contact is a method for trying to detach from a breakup. you sound as if youre trying to reconcile, and if thats the case, id encourage you to post on the Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup board. this is a board for people that are committed to the breakup.

what may help is backing off a bit and not chasing. over pursuing can really hurt the chances of a reconciliation. it makes a person feel smothered, and those sorts of feelings can be even stronger for someone with bpd traits.

[CallmeDoubleU]

DoubleU,

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are really obsessing over every minute detail. Don't overthink so much - you will make yourself crazy.

Not everything a BPD does has a reason. Maybe she just wanted you to pick up your son. Because she was tired or stressed, or wanted to go for a walk. There's not always a hidden motive.

And even if there is a motive behind her actions, don't expect logic or sense.

I also wanted to get back to you about your hope that maybe things could be fixed with professional help... Please don't put too much hope in this...

Professional help sometimes works. Provided the following conditions:
- A lot of conscious effort on the part of the person with BPD
- Strong willpower and determination
- A great therapist
- Loots of time
- A very stable and harmonious context
- No 'external' people trying to create chaos
- General stability and lack of stress in the BPD's life

IF all of the above are present, than there is a small chance. Professional help is not a magic bullet.

Yeah i know i am really overthinking and obsessing.. i have ADD.. it has always been a problem for me.. how ever i decided to let her go..

Some things happened today and i seriously have decided i am gonna let her go..


I do not want to retype everything i typed in my other topic so i will quote it here:

I have an update... also its been a pretty bad day but for me it ended up much better then it started.

My ex and i had a phonecall.. i asked her if i could pick up my son later then 14;00 since i wont be able to make it because of work.. she instantly said NO you have to be here at 14;00.. i have to leave 14;30.. i kinda replied curious.. why do you have to leave.. she replied its none of your bussiness.. she got mad and hang up..

Later that day i was at work her new flame messaged me.. he told me i had to leave her alone and all that stuff.. i told him she is a manipulating human being.. and some more stuff because he kinda asked for it..  this moment i knew i was right all along... it was him being the new guy.. now i kinda felt relieved because now i know i can trust my own thought.. i was right and this moment i dont know why but it just felt good for me because i kinda feel like i have to let her go.. not only because she is doing all this stuff like getting into new relationships and telling a lot of bad things about me .. she is literally painting me black to every person she meets.. and she is telling me she loves me one day and the next day she hates me.. so yeah its not good for me.. most of the people on here already told me to leave.. and i thank you all for that..

I never wanted to hear that.. not even from my close friends or family...
But right now.. i decided i am going to let her go..

I deleted and blocked all her socials.. im gonna focus on my self and my son.. its not my problem no more..

My mother picked up my son and she will bring him back aswell.. she wants to do this for me until i feel strong enough to do this myself.. but at this point i dont even wanna see her..

Some how my love for her just turned into hate today...

its a good thing.. im not going to contact her no more...

[CallmeDoubleU]

Update:

I havent been in contact with my ex since friday 19 feb, i decided to go full no contact that day..

Now my ex called me a couple a times...

Sunday: she called me twice after my mother dropped my son back at her house. I did not pick up. She called me mother after the missed call she got on me and she told me mom we forgot to give some stuff back with my son.. My mom said she lost it and is trying to find it and will bring it back... After she had that conversation with my mom she called me again.. I did not pick up.

Monday: She called me again.. still i havent picked up.. a couple minutes later she called me again with No Caller ID.

Tuesday: She called me again with No Caller ID, i still did not pick up..

Now she is sending me emails about: She wants me to be in contact with her about my son because she does not want to have a 3rd person dealing with our stuff.. So i did not reply to it..

Today: She has send me another email about: You have to buy your own clothing for your son because i am not giving anything at all when he is gonna visit you.. I still havent replied..

She called me lawyer about this.. my lawyer is saying you kinda have to pick up and listen to what she is saying because its about our son.. but its all stuff thats not important.. we said if its important like he needs to go to a doctor or anything like that yeah we will have contact...

I really do not wanna have contact with her and i wanna stick to this.. i told my lawyer aswell and she said to him if he is going to ignore me any longer i will stop the agreement we have... (I see my son every 2 weeks in the weekends) So i still dont wanna reply to her because i am trying to heal and feel better.. I also told me lawyer about this.. We also signed the papers so she should not be able to just stop the agreement i assume...

Now i think she is just making up all these excuses to contact me.. and she is doing it through our son.. i really dont like where this is going..


Any advice? Please because i need it.

[tvda]

I don't have a lot of advice but:

1) Since you have a son together I guess some contact is necessary. So I would not cut off all contant.
2) Not picking up the phone seems okay to me, as it imposes a clear boundary.
3) I think e-mail is a good format for communication, for now. For one, it leaves a  'paper trail' so she's accountable for what she communicates. There's no proof in phonecalls unless you record it, so mail seems better. Also, it's a natural filter that puts some delay in between message and reaction. That gives you some time to reflect on how to answer, and gives her the message that you are not available 24/7.
4) I have heard some people doing this: asking to always put someone else (e.g. your mom) in cc, because you are not always 'available' right away. This is also a natural filter on her communication. If someone else is 'listening in' they need to keep things more sane. Alternatively, if she refuses to do this, you can set up an e-mail rule that autoforwards mails from her to this 3rd person. And you can inform her about this. Give 'the practical reasons' as an explanation. When responding, always put this person in cc so she clearly sees that this is not a private conversation.

That's about all I've got. Oh yeah, in case she mentions emergency situations as the reason she needs to be able to reach you at all times, don't fall for this. In true cases of emergencies there are or should be plenty of other people for her to call, and there are the official institutions as well. So don't let her use this to force you into being available by phone.

[once removed]

you cant realistically go "no contact" with someone you share a child with. it just isnt feasible.

i recognize that you want/need a lot of space to heal.

a hard and fast cutting off is demonstrably not giving you that.

what you can do is communicate that you need a lot of space and need to limit contact to, say, email only, and only about your child. at that point, only respond if its about your child.

be pleasant about it. while you need a lot of space now, you are going to have a coparenting relationship for years. keep your eye down that road even as you heal.