Struggling after 3 year relationship break up - seeking support

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is my first post on here and I thought I would share my story to help unscramble my thoughts.

3 weeks ago, my 3 year relationship with my ex gf ended. She was never diagnosed with BPD but displayed all the symptoms.

When we first met, I went through the idealisation stage - she thought I was amazing, treated her better than anyone and we shared an immediate deep connection. Red flags were evident early on but I dismissed them all as I was so enamoured with her. We were (seemingly) intensely happy although I noticed early on that she would softly criticise me for random things or constantly have drama with family, friends etc. Regardless, the relationship continued with what was a strange mix of intense love, incredible sex and adoration all interweaved with constant drama, criticism and doubts from her that I was faithful (even though I was).

As time went on, I observed a constant cycle of drama, conflict and ailments with her. She had family issues, car problems, money problems, poor health and no stable job. Even so, I was completely enmeshed and hooked on the good times. We had talked about the future (kids, house and marriage) which I was all for at the beginning but over time the doubts started to strip these plans away from me. She would express disappointment that we hadn't moved in together but would often recklessly spend money and constantly redecorate her house making it more and more chaotic and messy looking, there was no way I could move her into my house as I knew she would send my calm living environment into disarray. Her constant ailments and negativity also wore me down after a while and I craved my alone time.

In the end, we fell into a routine where I would see her a couple of nights a week and at weekends but by this stage all my plans of building a life together had diminished. She still pursued them but I didn't have the heart to tell her I couldn't progress further. We had wonderful times together and I eventually removed myself from all of her drama and left her to work through things on her own when she wasn't at mine (sounds cruel but I'd realised by now that nothing I did would be enough and even if I sorted something, there was another bigger issue right around the corner). Whilst this arrangement kind of suited me, I also found myself becoming anxious of what she was doing whilst we weren't together - usually she was fine but there were occasions where she'd display impulsive, questionable and downright strange behaviour.

There were a few dark times when she'd drink too much and turn to anti-depressants. Still I loved her and was totally addicted to those good moments. She enriched my life in ways I had never imagined.

Following a recent conversation where she said she wasn't happy with her life and was sad she had no kids, husband etc I felt it was the time to be honest and said I no longer think I am the correct person for her. I explained that I loved her but her impulsive/unpredictable behaviour meant I could not invest any further. She said she didn't want to split up and I told her to think about what it is she really wants. The following day she text saying she wanted to split up and agreed that we couldn't give each other what we wanted. We ended things by saying we'd always love each other. It was heartbreaking.

Over the next few days, I hoped I'd hear from her. That's what usually happened, after 3-5 days she'd reach out, we'd flirt and have fun and get back together for an amazing week before the drama cycle and monotonous existence kicked back in.

This time however, I heard nothing. She text me about 2 and half weeks later (about 5 days ago) but there was an evident change in her tone that was even more heartbreaking - she was indifferent, emotionless. She said she didn't want me out of her life and wanted to be friends. I said that would never happen as I loved her too much and would always want a relationship with her. She continued to send me generic texts and eventually rang me to just talk about random things. I told her not to call me again because I loved her and didn't want to be friends, it was too damaging to me. She said she loved me too but went through all the ways I'd hurt her by not wanting to progress any further, it was awful. I told her I wanted to work on the relationship and asked her to come round (not smart, I know) but she declined. She said maybe she'd give me a call in the future, I ended the call in tears saying I loved her. Since then I have heard nothing and am sticking to NC.

Knowing how things work, I expect she is already seeing someone new and the pain is unbearable. I was told over the 3 years that I was the love of her life, was her rock and meant everything to her and her swift discard and indifference is heartbreaking. I'm reading a lot about how BPD works but having this kind, beautiful woman need you so desperately and in such a loving way to just be done with me and become a stranger is hard to comprehend. 

I desperately want to see her, give her a hug and make things right but I know I need to move on. I am exercising, talking to friends and start a therapy session today. Still my thoughts are on her constantly and the void I am feeling is unbearable. 

I have so many doubts and questions but I guess any guidance or reassurance I can get from people who have been through a similar thing would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading my story. There is so much more I could have written about my experience but this post is already long enough!

[B1987]

This is my first post on here and I thought I would share my story to help unscramble my thoughts.

3 weeks ago, my 3 year relationship with my ex gf ended. She was never diagnosed with BPD but displayed all the symptoms.

When we first met, I went through the idealisation stage - she thought I was amazing, treated her better than anyone and we shared an immediate deep connection. Red flags were evident early on but I dismissed them all as I was so enamoured with her. We were (seemingly) intensely happy although I noticed early on that she would softly criticise me for random things or constantly have drama with family, friends etc. Regardless, the relationship continued with what was a strange mix of intense love, incredible sex and adoration all interweaved with constant drama, criticism and doubts from her that I was faithful (even though I was).

As time went on, I observed a constant cycle of drama, conflict and ailments with her. She had family issues, car problems, money problems, poor health and no stable job. Even so, I was completely enmeshed and hooked on the good times. We had talked about the future (kids, house and marriage) which I was all for at the beginning but over time the doubts started to strip these plans away from me. She would express disappointment that we hadn't moved in together but would often recklessly spend money and constantly redecorate her house making it more and more chaotic and messy looking, there was no way I could move her into my house as I knew she would send my calm living environment into disarray. Her constant ailments and negativity also wore me down after a while and I craved my alone time.

In the end, we fell into a routine where I would see her a couple of nights a week and at weekends but by this stage all my plans of building a life together had diminished. She still pursued them but I didn't have the heart to tell her I couldn't progress further. We had wonderful times together and I eventually removed myself from all of her drama and left her to work through things on her own when she wasn't at mine (sounds cruel but I'd realised by now that nothing I did would be enough and even if I sorted something, there was another bigger issue right around the corner). Whilst this arrangement kind of suited me, I also found myself becoming anxious of what she was doing whilst we weren't together - usually she was fine but there were occasions where she'd display impulsive, questionable and downright strange behaviour.

There were a few dark times when she'd drink too much and turn to anti-depressants. Still I loved her and was totally addicted to those good moments. She enriched my life in ways I had never imagined.

Following a recent conversation where she said she wasn't happy with her life and was sad she had no kids, husband etc I felt it was the time to be honest and said I no longer think I am the correct person for her. I explained that I loved her but her impulsive/unpredictable behaviour meant I could not invest any further. She said she didn't want to split up and I told her to think about what it is she really wants. The following day she text saying she wanted to split up and agreed that we couldn't give each other what we wanted. We ended things by saying we'd always love each other. It was heartbreaking.

Over the next few days, I hoped I'd hear from her. That's what usually happened, after 3-5 days she'd reach out, we'd flirt and have fun and get back together for an amazing week before the drama cycle and monotonous existence kicked back in.

This time however, I heard nothing. She text me about 2 and half weeks later (about 5 days ago) but there was an evident change in her tone that was even more heartbreaking - she was indifferent, emotionless. She said she didn't want me out of her life and wanted to be friends. I said that would never happen as I loved her too much and would always want a relationship with her. She continued to send me generic texts and eventually rang me to just talk about random things. I told her not to call me again because I loved her and didn't want to be friends, it was too damaging to me. She said she loved me too but went through all the ways I'd hurt her by not wanting to progress any further, it was awful. I told her I wanted to work on the relationship and asked her to come round (not smart, I know) but she declined. She said maybe she'd give me a call in the future, I ended the call in tears saying I loved her. Since then I have heard nothing and am sticking to NC.

Knowing how things work, I expect she is already seeing someone new and the pain is unbearable. I was told over the 3 years that I was the love of her life, was her rock and meant everything to her and her swift discard and indifference is heartbreaking. I'm reading a lot about how BPD works but having this kind, beautiful woman need you so desperately and in such a loving way to just be done with me and become a stranger is hard to comprehend. 

I desperately want to see her, give her a hug and make things right but I know I need to move on. I am exercising, talking to friends and start a therapy session today. Still my thoughts are on her constantly and the void I am feeling is unbearable. 

I have so many doubts and questions but I guess any guidance or reassurance I can get from people who have been through a similar thing would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading my story. There is so much more I could have written about my experience but this post is already long enough!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey B1987, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear you are in pain.  Sad to say, your story is quite familiar, as many here can attest.  The first step, in my view, is to focus on yourself and your needs.  Get back to being who you are at your core, before all the drama.  Be kind to yourself.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have made any difference in the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD relationships.  You are not alone; many of us have been down this path, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Rev]

Hey B,

Hi.  Sorry you find yourself here but happy you found us.  Like Lucky Jim said, ask anything, share anything, there are people here, good people who have been where you have been, and will never judge. This place has done me the world of good.

For now, I just wanted to say that I really relate to the broken hearted stuff. It was really a daily, sometimes hourly, grind for me in the first weeks. Thank god for my friends who really rallied around me. And then thank god for this forum. Here is where I found my old self again.

So my friend. Welcome to our community. Stay strong, stay safe, stay true to yourself.

Rev

[Rev]

Oh... and best of luck with the therapy. I don't want to project my story on to yours, but my therapy really helped me understand exactly why no contact was the right choice. People who are disordered, unless they get their own help, will only ever cause others to be dis-ordered themselves - because that's what they thrive on, that's what keeps them from facing themselves.

Personally, it took a lot of work to undo some of the ways I was thinking that idealized the relationship and led me to blame myself a lot. 

Reach out any time.

Rev

[B1987]

Thank you so much for the responses. I miss my ex a great deal but it's comforting to see so many people who understand and are supportive.

[once removed]

aw man.

what a heartbreaking story.

the hardest choices are often the best for our mental health. it makes them no easier, but its one, if not the, life lesson from so many of our relationships.

there arent really words that make that loss any less palpable.

its a three year relationship. a whirlwind, no doubt. there is no way around it but to grieve.

how are you holding up?

[B1987]

I'm doing ok, thanks. Slowly starting to enjoy my old hobbies, it can just be very tough some days. Thanks so much for the messages though. They are much appreciated!

[ljwin]

Wow we have very similar stories, almost identical! I like you didn’t want to bring chaos in to my calm home and I’m a full time single Dad too so I had the kids to think about. Do you ever question your decision and wonder if you had allowed her to move in that things would have changed and the chaos would stop?

We had some incredible times when she wasn’t drinking, but a couple of weeks later and she would be throwing out all sorts of reasons why she could have a drink again. Even now I think we’ll if she came to live with us would I be sitting here in a few weeks time regretting it!