do I cut her off

[Papoo]

I am 43 and am just becoming fully aware of my mother's mental hold on my psyche.  I feel trapped and like I need to escape.  I feel so burdned by her her and don't know if I love her.  She has no one in her life but me and is often mean and passive aggressive.  One email from her can ruin my whole day and hold my thoughts hostage.  My life is great except for her.  I just want freedom.  I'm scared I won't have it until she is dead.

[Uphillbattle05]

I know what you mean. Exactly what you mean. I’m 35 and have had this dark unstable cloud hanging over me for as long as I can remember. As soon as I had my first child something majority clicked in me. I can’t fake it. I genuinely don’t like her anymore. How is your mom oftentimes? Mine has highs and aggressive lows.

[Papoo]

There are complete highs and lows.  When she is doing well and in a good mood I know the anger is coming, so there is never peace.  She is often rude to me but expects that I include her in anything I plan.  I have invited her to things before only to receive emails for weeks after about all of the things wrong with the event.  I feel like she is a leach sucking the life out of me.  I feel completely responsible for her despite her being a horrible mother in almost every aspect.  Have you read the book understanding the borderline mother?  If not highly recommend, they have it an audible which is helpful if you want to multitask.  The book opened my eyes up to so many things she has done my whole life and has just made me feel exhausted!

She has done her manipulations to my kids as well, so be aware that could be coming, I would have prepared mine more if I would have been in the know sooner.

[Uphillbattle05]

Wow! It sounds like you’re describing my mother. The good times are great when everything is perfect for her in her eyes ans then it quickly changes with a drop of a needle! I was just looking through old photos of us from a few years ago. How was I covering her crap so much? My husband whose known her for 15 years says all these things you’re now pointing out I
Noticed about your mother years ago.  Why are you just waking up? I’m just finishing surviving a borderline parent which is amazing. I plan to read that book you recommended next ! I’ve been living in anxiety and she’s been weighting me down all these years. Can’t deal anymore.

[Sunflower45]

Hi Papoo,

Addressing the title of your post - No Contact can be an essential step to get the space you need to catch your breath and start healing. But it won’t stop the pain by itself. That requires an intense internal process to grieve and come to terms with the nature of your relationship and the impact it has had on you. As I learned recently, initially it can feel even worse than the ongoing torment of an active relationship with a bpd parent.

A therapist can be helpful on laying out a strategy for NC and to support the healing process. There are additional resources like the book you mentioned and others on this site.

One of the hardest things I have found was believing enough in myself and my own value to be able to choose myself, even when it seems to be at the expense of my bpd mother. She had drilled into my that I was a horrible selfish person for 45 years. I now always remind myself that self respect and care is not selfish and that my mother is a grown up who can take care of herself or deal with the consequences herself. I can’t tell you how I got to this point, other than it took many years. One thing that helped was becoming a mother myself. I had no problems putting my child first, in front of my mother. It made me realize that I could be a mother to myself too and give myself that same gift.

[Papoo]

Thank you both! I wish no one had to go through any of this with a parent but there is comfort in other people understanding.  A lot of things someone with BPD does are so nuanced I think it's hard for other people to understand, I think my friends feel like I am overreacting sometimes so don't talk about my mom much to them.

@uphillbattle, In terms of the comment about your husband wondering how you hadn't noticed things sooner.  It was our normal, when your little your world is your parents (school a little bit), you might get glimpses into other peoples homes, but you don't have anything to compare the things your parent is doing against, so you think it's normal.  I always knew my mom was emotional and mean, but I was well into my 30s before I was like, something is really wrong here. 

I am taking a break from my mom for a month and then will regroup.  I processed in therapy today how she needs me to be her emotional support animal, but I have a big dark void inside of me that she created, so I don't have the stamina to do it.

Such a perplexing disorder, they suck you dry and then are angered when you can't give more.

[Uphillbattle05]

You are right. They do suck you dry. I can’t get myself to call her. I have no desire. Her tone, so depressed, moody and snappy just gives me anxiety. She commented how I never call and when she does she could sense the anger and hate in my voice. She sent a package of clothes for my 6 month old and after not calling her for weeks I sucked it up ans called her today. Took everything in me to not fight but then she said how my brother (who recently got married) invited her over last Sunday ans texted her to come for coffee in the evening. She said why would he say come for coffee? Does he think I’m expecting dinner or something? I’m just going to see the new place. I couldn’t hold back. I said now you are offended for the sake of being offended. Don’t you have something better to do? We got into it she said she has to go, and clicked...

Good for you for taking a break. I bet you feel much lighter in doing so.

[BigWideWorld]

I can totally empathise with you all on this thread. My mum when I was growing up was generally good mum but she could swing into being violent and unhinged. She was always great at falling out with everyone and anyone over the slightest thing.

Anyway I'm in my 40's now and my dad died in 2016 and of course that rocked the boat of her behavior and since then we saw her lows gradually gradually take over to the point that the highs in recent months have completely gone.

She is very cruel and manipulative and does the whole trying to turn you against each other, making up things that people are supposed to have done to her - completely playing the victim, threatening suicide idly but in Jan she forced us to have to get the police involved when she went to the extent of putting a suicide note through my brothers door, she told the ambulance crew and police that she tried to kill her own dog with a pill - again we think is a lie for effect but she dammed near got herself sectioned for saying it but she refused to be taken to a unit.

Anyway in the last few months she has successfully pushed my brother and aunt away from her (she is jealous of our close bonds with our aunt) and I was left bearing the brunt of it all after that and the phone calls and visits became too much for me to handle and I was angry at the toll she was taking on me and decided it had to stop. I organised mental health help for her but she's not making any effort to change despite their intervention.

I decided I would only write an occasional letter to her to keep a safe boundary, she wrote back telling me she was proud of me but that we can't be a family anymore and wished me the best for the future - weird to be cut off by your own mother for no apparent reason but I must be honest and say there's feelings of relief and liberation now that she has.

Annoyingly my Dad left us an inheritance tied up in the house etc and she loved playing the "who am I  crossing out of the will today" game and totally forgetting about dad's wishes. I have an older brother who his trying to use that situation to his advantage and siding with her - more fool him when he starts to experience what the rest of us have been! She rejected him as a small child and gave him away to my dad's sister too!