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Author Topic: Need Help / Advice  (Read 76 times)
MilfordGranger

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10


« on: February 23, 2021, 09:10:27 AM »

I'll try to outline as much as I can without this hopefully getting too long, but I'm at a loss for what exactly to do.  I've known my W for over 20 years.  We recently (about 4.5 years ago) got together after my divorce.  In retrospect there are a low of things that point to BPD and it has made it a real challenge.

My ex, likely has NPD and has also been a real challenge.  She has essentially attacked my current W since day one (and they also know each other from long ago).  My W has significant trauma history as well and so she does have a lot of PTSD, anxiety related issues as well.  I used to think that there were simply some BPD "traits", but it is becoming more apparent that this is likely the primary issue with her other mental health issues being likely more secondary concerns.  We have had a challenging relationship (even for people without BPD) due to my divorce and ex and I had moved out of state (to where my W actually lived).  I essentially helped her take care of her daughter through high school and when the daughter graduated my W stated she thought we should move to be closer to my son.  I was quite hesitant for a number of reasons, but she found "her dreamhouse" and she insisted that she wanted to move.  This was not a small feat.  We moved almost 1500 miles (with 10 animals) during COVID.  At first things were going well it was great to be able to see my son more regularly.  Then things fell apart.  My W had a major issue with my ex continually "pushing her buttons", which isn't entirely false though I think the two conflicting personalities just flares this.  We are now in the middle of a huge custody battle.  My current W tells me she is done and can't do this.  She tells me that she hates me that she always comes last, that I just want to make my ex happy.  We have a 2 1/2 year old, so she can't just leave.  We have a house that would likely be very difficult to sell and now I'd have to try and figure out custody, etc for two kids 1500 miles apart (2 1/2 and 13 years old).

Our lives have also become so intertwined in just the short time we've been together, between animals, major purchases (RV at seasonal camp site for one) and I paid for a place to live and essentially support her daughter at college as well, that I have no idea how we would even make it all work.

I feel guilt, shame and failure.  She constantly tells me I don't love her and she comes last like I said.  She perseverates (or goes back) to several events.  There was a misunderstanding regarding her grandmothers funeral.  It is a long story, but short version I feel horrible that I was unable to go, but essentially "I should have known better" and it is constantly used as a reason I'm never there for her.  I certainly do a lot for her monetarily, which I know is not the be all, but I feel like such a failure.  I'm sorry for being so vague, but there is so much and so much nuance and I try to tell myself that this is just her feelings/perceptions, but then I question maybe I am really the problem.

Currently she is threatening to leave.  She was going to fly back "home" where we're from, but stated there were no flights.  She was then going to drive and threatened to take our daughter with her, when I told her I did not want her taking her daughter, the newest thing is that I've gotten (our 2 1/2 year old mind you) to hate her and not want to be with her.  I made the mistake of telling her it's not her car (since it's in my name with a 5 year old loan), I never say things like that, but felt cornered basically.  So, now that will become a new example of how horrible I am (it already has).  When she is here she literally spends all day in our bedroom in the bed.  She never moves or does anything.  I get blamed if she doesn't eat (if I don't make food or bring her food) even when she doesn't ask. 

I appreciate any thoughts, encouragement, etc.  I have an appointment with my therapist this Thursday, but I just don't know where to go or what to do.  Thanks
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formflier
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2021, 01:07:21 PM »



 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Plan to get with your T is a good one.  Perhaps see if you can increase the frequency of visits for a while.

You have a complicated situation...an intertwined situation.  Step 1 is to take a clear look at it and not make it more complicated. 

Then there may be easy ways to uncomplicate it...(low hanging fruit if you will).

Then there will be the hard stuff.

Best,

FF


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MilfordGranger

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10


« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2021, 10:04:33 PM »

As other people know it's a vicious cycle, my W basically told me she was going to sleep since it's very clear I have nothing to say to her tonight.  So, I went to try and talk and it was repeatedly about how she always comes last.  She is upset because "I didn't have her back with my ex and my mother."  Basically because I don't engage with my ex anymore (who also likely has NPD) and we basically cut off my mother.  But she tells me she wants a divorce and she hopes that my ex and mother were worth it.  She's mad because I walked out.  I just don't know how to respond.  If I say sorry, I don't really mean it or that I'm saying she doesn't have right to be angry. 
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2021, 07:27:17 AM »


Have you asked her what that means?

"Hey babe..what does having your back look like?"

Best,

FF
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11636



« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2021, 11:58:43 AM »

She doesn't have great skills for managing the crushing emptiness she experiences. She puts responsibility for resolving that emptiness on you (and finds evidence to support her feelings everywhere she looks).

Notice she didn't leave  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

The more strength and confidence you project, the more it helps her return to a regulated state.

Let her sleep and take a time out if that's needed.

In the meantime, try to focus on the great guy you are.

She's not doing well. You have to tell yourself what you want her to say  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Breathe.
worriedStepmom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1062


« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2021, 01:47:27 PM »

Have you worked through a lot of the situations with your therapist to make sure that you aren't putting your W in a bad position with your ex?  Even apart from your W's potential BPD issues, it's difficult to be a stepmom when the other parent has a personality disorder.  You don't have much authority and often seem left at the whims of a very unstable person or having to clean up someone else's messes.

We had to put some really strong boundaries around what I was willing to tolerate in MY home.  (For example, my H's ex is not allowed to come to our house.   H and his ex communicate via parenting app so I don't have to hear the phone constantly pinging when she's melting down and texting him all night long.  etc)  It might be worth talking with your W to see what specific behaviors really bother her to see if you can mitigate her exposure to those.

and, if you really think that she might leave you, you should consult a lawyer for advice.  You don't have to hire one, but you want to know your options.  For example, in my state you can't file for divorce until you have been a resident for 6 months.  If I were to leave the state and my H filed for divorce immediately, the judge could make me return any children to the state.  If you know what your options are, you will be able to make more informed decisions if necessary.



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MilfordGranger

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2021, 12:01:13 AM »

Thank you for the responses.  I have tried some of those things.  I have asked her what that looks like and often the answer is "so I need to figure that out for you too" or "you should know how to have somebody's back", but really it often boils down to I don't confront someone the way she feels that I should or something similar to that. 

In regard to her sleep.  I've tried to create space because of the circular discussions that happen when she wants to "talk", but when I give her space I'm just "ignoring" her.  I've tried to explain, I just don't want to make it worse and I need help (trying to encourage therapy) in how to make sure I'm meeting her needs, because I'm clearly not doing a good job.

Regardless, she left this afternoon, to a hotel.  She has continued with many of the same things about me ignoring her.  Claiming that I'm trying to get our daughter to hate her (my W has been literally in our bedroom all the time for weeks, when we're home).  She told me this evening never to contact her again (text, phone, facetime, etc). 
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