Moving forward (slowly)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There was a time where this board provided a lot of support and guidance.  That was when I was trying to make it tenable to ‘stay’.  As most of you know, staying in no way means a healthy, positive relationship will happen (in fact by definition, with a personality disorder, it is not possible).

So now I am going through a divorce.  In Covid times.  It has been over 15 months and over $100k spent and we have not even made it to a pretrial. 

My two youngest D12 and D14 have cut me out of their life.  I no longer see them and only very rarely do they respond to my reach outs.   A one or two word response

My S16 is trying to continue a relationship with me but there is a LOT of drama with mom about it.  He tries to ‘stay out of it’. It her response is he needs to hear about (and hear about all the ways I am a terrible person)

If my wife sees me, line of sight, she has a physical anaphylaxis shock reaction and has to go to the ER and/or hit the Epi pen. (Then tells the kids and her lawyer I tried to kill her again)

The courts are of no help.  There is a path to counseling for the kids but that is on a two year timeline. 

So I no longer come here.  Because my advice would be, strongly, that ‘if’ you are a basically sane person and have your act even partly together, that there is no hope.  Cut your losses as early as possible and run.  Throw the towel in sooner than later, since the price only grows larger with time.

Your entire life gets sucked into supporting someone’s emotional needs.  With no possibility of having something balanced and healthy.  So I am not sure that is all that useful.  I suppose we all have to learn our own way

But if you have anything less than younger children involved.  Run.  Cut your losses.  Pay whatever price it takes to get out and never look back

Just my advice.

Hugs to all

[yeeter]

There was a time where this board provided a lot of support and guidance.  That was when I was trying to make it tenable to ‘stay’.  As most of you know, staying in no way means a healthy, positive relationship will happen (in fact by definition, with a personality disorder, it is not possible).

So now I am going through a divorce.  In Covid times.  It has been over 15 months and over $100k spent and we have not even made it to a pretrial. 

My two youngest D12 and D14 have cut me out of their life.  I no longer see them and only very rarely do they respond to my reach outs.   A one or two word response

My S16 is trying to continue a relationship with me but there is a LOT of drama with mom about it.  He tries to ‘stay out of it’. It her response is he needs to hear about (and hear about all the ways I am a terrible person)

If my wife sees me, line of sight, she has a physical anaphylaxis shock reaction and has to go to the ER and/or hit the Epi pen. (Then tells the kids and her lawyer I tried to kill her again)

The courts are of no help.  There is a path to counseling for the kids but that is on a two year timeline. 

So I no longer come here.  Because my advice would be, strongly, that ‘if’ you are a basically sane person and have your act even partly together, that there is no hope.  Cut your losses as early as possible and run.  Throw the towel in sooner than later, since the price only grows larger with time.

Your entire life gets sucked into supporting someone’s emotional needs.  With no possibility of having something balanced and healthy.  So I am not sure that is all that useful.  I suppose we all have to learn our own way

But if you have anything less than younger children involved.  Run.  Cut your losses.  Pay whatever price it takes to get out and never look back

Just my advice.

Hugs to all

[khibomsis]

yeeter, thanks for checking in and sharing your experience! I am sorry to hear about your daughters. Take heart, it is a difficult age, and as they get older they will become more sensible. One always tends to idolize the absent parent so you have that in your favour  And the fact that you don't have BPD.

Since this is the detaching board, I am at liberty to be in full agreement with your sentiments.  Our experience on this board is that if the pwBPD is aware of their diagnosis and actively seeks treatment for their own sake, not for the sake of holding the marriage together, etc, then there is hope. But if that is not the case the outcome is unlikely to be good.

I would say keep reaching out to your children regularly, a short text or a card. Just something that flags "I am here for you".
As we are for you.
 

[yeeter]

Thanks Khi. 

Sometimes just sitting quietly with others that have had similar experiences is helpful

Unfortunately I feel like I am all talked out about it.  It is a very u healthy dynamic for children to go through. Yet there is no help. 

That is still something I struggle with to this day. There is a lot of agreement that it is unhealthy and damaging for children to be put through these dynamics

But there’s no help. At least not anything of practical value

[khibomsis]

Yeeter, your daughters will forgive you one day. In the meantime you have plenty of work to do. Remember that safe space with positive influences shaping their ideas of normality that you used to dream about? Well, here's your chance to build it. You stayed in the marriage for years for your kids sake, you can be patient for a few more.

You would get better advice on the conflicted board, but I suspect you should be able to approach the court and request regular psychological evaluations of your daughters on the grounds that the estrangement is making it impossible for you to check that your daughters are OK. Or perhaps they are in therapy already? Then you should be able to request regular reports from therapist.

And to rolemodel to your son how a man can make mistakes but pick himself up and go back to doing the right thing. How's the work of restoring your shattered self going?  Have you forgiven yourself yet Yeeter?
 

[yeeter]

It is another grieving process.  I have described the marriage that way... the traditional grieving phases to get to ‘acceptance’ that it was never going to be what I wanted (some form of normal/healthy).  And now a grieving process of losing two children.  It is a difficult thing to lose a child.  Twice

Forgiven myself?  Yes, years ago.  I told a therapist a while back that I don’t know that I would do anything differently had I to do it all over again.  At first she was surprised by that statement, but after learning more of the dynamics she understood.

It was a matter of choosing between two awful choices. (Going or staying). I chose to stay, which my therapist described as simply putting my children’s best interest as a priority above my own, which is a perfectly reasonable choice for a parent to make

That played out and now we are in a new chapter

There is still a strong pull to feed her emotional black hole.  A lot of drama and that will not go away any time soon.  Of course the farther away I am and the less interaction the better, and healthier I am.  But children are still a tie that binds us and they are a weapon.  I don’t think that will ever change. To the degree they have developed and are able to form their own views and opinions I don’t know. Son has.  But the narrative against me is intense and active and the entire relationship and history of events between me and my daughters is being re-written

Only time will tell what impact it has. 

The pandemic makes things more difficult for recovery, limiting key activities and social interactions. Not to mention allowing the legal process to drag out years.  Amazing to me at times, how much destruction one person can do.

[khibomsis]

Yeeter, you are going to make it through this. If you have let go of the guilt then the grief is easier to bear. It takes years also for our bodies to recover from the trauma we have stored there, so be kind to yourself. I hope you are eating well and exercising regularly?

Your daughters will come back in time. I know it. You can cope by making sure that your life is as good as possible. When they come back you want there to be something there.
You have not stopped being a dad. You are just getting a breather.

I am still concerned that you should have a flow of information in place to make sure they are allright. Your responsibilites have not come to an end either. Is there a way you can get them into therapy?
 

[yeeter]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.   Yes, I continue to press in to the degree I can.  Teacher conferences.  Other parents.  Doctor follow ups separately (at least when I can learn what is happening). 

I am trying to get them counseling.  It takes a court order, and we still have not made it to court 15 months into it.  Lawyers keep trying ‘the easy way’ since they keep stating this case should never go to court.   There is a GAL appointed but again that was delayed with attempt to settle out of court.  And covid times has every credible counselor booked months out. 

I do think it will happen some day. 

There is a positive.  My son is doing better than he has in years.   Some tough times during transition and some really difficult dynamics with mom but he dug in and continues to see me.  He has blossomed and going a very positive trajectory. Heartwarming to see

[khibomsis]

Oh Yeeter, divorce can be grueling. Mine took over two years to finalize - my divorce lawyer was also the "let's come to court with a negotiated agreement" type - which we did in the end and I got exactly what I asked for.  Still, to get there, the last six months of that second year were hell.

Glad you are doing what you can to keep track of your daughters, it will get better with time. And wonderful to hear about your son! I am sure that makes it worth every sacrifice