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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: It's Been Awhile Since I've Been Here  (Read 105 times)
Tattered Heart
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1942



« on: March 02, 2021, 09:24:28 AM »

It's been a couple years since I've logged in. Things have been relatively normal until the last couple of months and I realized that I need help again.

My husband had gotten down to a blown up every 3-4 months. We also determined that on top of BPD he probably has bipolar disorder. Sometimes these two comorbities hit in a perfect storm, which explains the cyclical nature of his blow ups. But, he has gotten back into weekly blow ups, which now last for days on end. I've lost many of the skills I previously gained from this site.

We have had some big outside stresses in the last few months. They have left both of us anxious about the future of our finances, but it seems that those things are resolving. Last week my husband raged on about a neighbor for a couple of days (long story, but the neighbor brought about some of the financial worries due to our animals causing some damage on his property). I tried really hard to support him especially when he had one day that he cried all day and talked about how worthless his life was. I talked with him about going to the hospital, and of course he refused. By day 3 of him ruminating on the subject, he turned it on me because I guesstimated the cost of the damage could go up to $20k. So he blamed me for his raging out.

This week, he is upset about a vacation. My mom and sisters began to plan a family vacation. My husband was looking forward to going, then this weekend, one of my sisters suggested we make it a girls weekend only. I have been trying to not approach my husband fearfully. I resolved not to respond to my sister's message until I talked to my husband. And I did so, within an hour. His response was "Well, I guess I just won't go and we can go somewhere else another time." I was shocked that he responded so well. But...as with all things BPD what they say one day changes the next.

Sunday, I was running through what our weekends in May look like. When I mentioned the girls weekend, he began to rage out, saying that I didn't want him to go, that I choose others over him, that my family is more important. I was frustrated that my family had originally planned to invite everyone but then changed it, so I didn't actually refute his points, because I thought his points were valid. I did tell him that I misunderstood our conversation yesterday and thought he was in agreement so I my sisters/mom that the trip would be ok with just us. I offered to tell them that my husband does want to go. He was mad, but he calmed quakily and said he wanted to see the text before I sent it.

Yesterday I worded 2 texts. I sent both to him for approval (he didn't want to look like I was trying to say "poor husband, feel sorry for him and let him come") and he told me which one he liked. I sent it. No one in my family batted an eye at it. My sister thumbed up it. My mom said that would be great and her husband would come too. My other sister just asked for confirmation of what we are doing now. When I got home my husband demanded to see the messages. I showed him the 3 places in the last couple of weeks that we've discussed who would go.

These are the literal text:
1 week ago:
Mom: Do you think Husband will go?
Me: For camping he most likely will but there's always the chance he will change his mind last minute. Could we bring the dog so that's one less thing for him to worry about?

Saturday:
Sister 1: Mom and I are starting to look at houses on air bnb. Would you guys be ok if it was just a girls weekend?
Sister 2: That's fine
Me: (After thinking my husband agreed): Girls weekend works for me.

So now because instead of responding to my family to the girls weekend message with "Let me talk to Husband first" I chose to actually talk to him first he says I can't prove that I was on his side. We have been fighting about this for literally 15+ hours, non stop over the last 3 days. I have tried to validate his emotions. I have tried to be sympathetic. He claims I tried to manipulate him when I told him I was frustrated my family was changing the vacation plans. He claims my two short messages posted above show that I really just didn't want him to go. I know this is a BPD rejection issue.

I'm worn out. I just need these circular arguments to stop. I'm not backing down on the fact that I tried to handle this situation differently than usual by coming to him without fear. I do admit that I misunderstood him and when we were talking about why they wanted to change it to girl only that I speculated on various motives (which he took as truths, but for me it was just riffing on what they may have been thinking). I just don't know how to end this argument. I'm worried that the whole vacation and all the planning will now become a huge fight every time a new piece gets added to it--from planning travel to meals to activities.
 
« Last Edit: March 02, 2021, 09:29:47 AM by Tattered Heart » Logged

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

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Tattered Heart
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1942



« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2021, 09:40:56 AM »

Oh, to add to this, for the few minutes he was calm yesterday I told him I was planning on getting my car detailed. It's a mobile car detailer that comes to me. I told him it was for Wednesday and the guy would be here at 11. He began accusing me of wanting to have an affair with this guy and that it wasn't a good idea for me to have him out to the house without my husband being there. He asked if I would let him in to the house and I told him no. Of course he accused me of trying to sneak a guy into our house. I just cancelled the detailing service and I'll take my car in somewhere. He even heard me on the phone leaving a voicemail to cancel the service, yelled at me for being so apologetic, asked why I was so concerned about the car detailers feelings, and then accused me of not really calling him and just pretending to leave a voicemail.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2021, 09:55:51 AM »

It seems there is a lot of hurt feelings underlying all that anger he’s feeling. Being left out, cheated on, lots of insecurity, which is probably also connected to the finances and his self esteem.

Can you “end the argument” by not giving it any more energy?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Tattered Heart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1942



« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2021, 12:30:08 PM »

Usually if I try to fizzle out arguments, he gets ramped up more. He refuses to let something drop until he has hashed it out as long as he feels is necessary or until he feels like I've been "punished" enough. So many times I've suggested that we take a break from a fight to go spend some time calming down, and he refuses or if I try to do that he follows me into the other room. Even if I try to get away into a bathroom for some calm down time, he stands outside the bathroom door railing at me.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

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