Im struggling a lot0

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was on/off with my ex for 10 years.  He had always broken up with me then suddenly wanted me back over 10 times.  He would always put me down, belittle me, and demand apologies from me but tell me my apologies weren't good enough.  This last time he came back he proposed and I was so happy.  He said he was all in and wouldn't leave me.  Unfortunately the history of his on/off behavior and abuse gave me PTSD and I was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.  I told him that it was caused by him but he insisted and told the professionals I had other problems.  He would constantly omit things from the past and only considered how he is acting in the present.

I finally snapped on the last year and told him off after he constantly accused me of being the problem and he would always distance himself from me.  He fabricated an incident that involved me trying to commit suicide in front of my therapist.  I felt so powerless and helpless as the therapist interrogated me and I was in tears trying to tell her I dont remember.  It was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

Following that event my ex started acting more distant but still showering me with compliments and affection.  Then the next day he said he was moving out justifying his decision with saying I was abusive.

He demanded me to remove him from the lease
  I was newly furloughed and had to take out payday loans and ask ratings to help me cover his part of the bills and termination fee of the lease.  He was so affectionate and loving the night before he broke it off AGAIN and then like the flip of a switch I was an abusive horrible person he was disgusted with.  He took everything that was expensive from the apartment and took our dogs and left without a trace.  He blocked me before exclaiming that he left because of how abusive I was.

I am so traumatized I wake up every single freaking morning shaking and believing everything I see is a nightmare.  I constantly think that we had such a beautiful life, a great apartment, great jobs, and we were a stronger couple.  

I am now constantly moving from place to place trying to find peace.  I have unbearable I ternary pain and trauma I dont know who to talk to anymore.  I dont know how to feel and don't know what to do to feel better.  It's like I was murdered out of nowhere.

Please please I beg anyone to help me.  I feel so alone and confused and hurt.

[Startingfromzero]

I was on/off with my ex for 10 years.  He had always broken up with me then suddenly wanted me back over 10 times.  He would always put me down, belittle me, and demand apologies from me but tell me my apologies weren't good enough.  This last time he came back he proposed and I was so happy.  He said he was all in and wouldn't leave me.  Unfortunately the history of his on/off behavior and abuse gave me PTSD and I was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.  I told him that it was caused by him but he insisted and told the professionals I had other problems.  He would constantly omit things from the past and only considered how he is acting in the present.

I finally snapped on the last year and told him off after he constantly accused me of being the problem and he would always distance himself from me.  He fabricated an incident that involved me trying to commit suicide in front of my therapist.  I felt so powerless and helpless as the therapist interrogated me and I was in tears trying to tell her I dont remember.  It was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

Following that event my ex started acting more distant but still showering me with compliments and affection.  Then the next day he said he was moving out justifying his decision with saying I was abusive.

He demanded me to remove him from the lease
  I was newly furloughed and had to take out payday loans and ask ratings to help me cover his part of the bills and termination fee of the lease.  He was so affectionate and loving the night before he broke it off AGAIN and then like the flip of a switch I was an abusive horrible person he was disgusted with.  He took everything that was expensive from the apartment and took our dogs and left without a trace.  He blocked me before exclaiming that he left because of how abusive I was.

I am so traumatized I wake up every single freaking morning shaking and believing everything I see is a nightmare.  I constantly think that we had such a beautiful life, a great apartment, great jobs, and we were a stronger couple.  

I am now constantly moving from place to place trying to find peace.  I have unbearable I ternary pain and trauma I dont know who to talk to anymore.  I dont know how to feel and don't know what to do to feel better.  It's like I was murdered out of nowhere.

Please please I beg anyone to help me.  I feel so alone and confused and hurt.

[once removed]

welcome to the family. youve come to the right place.

i arrived here ten years ago in similar agony and full of questions. this place helped me immeasurably. it really does get better.

how recent was the breakup?

[Startingfromzero]

He left october of last year but 7 months feels like 7 hours to me.

[once removed]

i understand. in my experience, sometimes things get worse before they get better. but they really do get better.

this was a ten year turbulent relationship that ended traumatically...its going to take some healing.

what aspects would you say youre struggling with the most?

[Startingfromzero]

I am still in disbelief and shock, my body is in physical shock.  Insomnia and severe anxiety right when I wake up.

Pure confusion and anger.

[Startingfromzero]

It ended so abruptly I cant even explain.

[Gemmie]

Hi Love! Welcome! 

You are in the right place! Everyone here has got stories to share that they, too, have experienced with partners with BPD (or traits of).

I would add that you're "fortunate" that it ended apruptly. I know this sounds insane to you - but - give me a sec to explain.

I just went through TWENTY-FIVE years of this Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde B.S. "I love you" / "You're a horrible stupid piece of trash," etc. Idolizing one moment, viciously attacking me for no reason the next.
Then, crying and sobbing that it'll never happen again.

25 years, love. I'm now in the process of separating and it is excrutiating. We are (you and I) BOTH victims of domestic abuse. You must realize that. It brings a certain amount of "brainwashing" along with it, that damages our individual, unique - NATURAL - state of being.

I'm SO sorry you're in such pain over this - but you got out. You got out before this escalated even further. From what you've described, he would've likely kept pushing the unhealthy boundary further and further until you were simply an empty shell of yourself and living ONLY to be sure he was appeased, calm, happy etc.

While you hurt, you are SAFE now. Please read all you can about this disorder. Whether or not your partner had BPD - the situation sounds SO textbook.  Educating yourself gives you the power of perspective. It allows your BRAIN to truly access things as they were - in reality - not fantasy/only the good parts - and it gives your EMOTIONAL stress a chance to calm and allow you to breathe again.

There are great books out there. There are great posts here. Read, educate yourself, and cultivate self-care, self-growth, mindfulness, and gratitude. I don't know if you're still seeing a therapist, but I would STRONGLY recommend that, too! I don't know what I'd do without mine!

You're not alone, love.

Stay strong and reclaim the life that was given EXCLUSIVELY to you - to live FOR YOU. It's not his - this one is yours! 

[Rex31807]

I think Gemmie was spot on. Its your life and not his. I did 13 years and i cant imagine 25. Youve done your time. Its time for you to move on and get better.


The relationship wont get better and false hope keeps you locked in. There are glimpses of love but it is fleeting. I ended up an empty shell and you do not want to go there if you can prevent it.

[Startingfromzero]

Thank you all for being so supportive.  I honestly felt like I was insane and deserved all of it and felt disgusted with myself.  Thank you for just responding.  It really does help more than you know.  I'll keep trying but this group is really making me feel supported more so than any other social groups I've turned to.

[Rex31807]

I am glad we can support one another. Its awful to go through this and the strange thing with this illness is you dont know the severity of it until you are enmeshed and it has consumed you. You literally lose yourself.

We are all in this together.

[Vincenta]

Hi SFO,

So sorry that you are going through this. As so many here, I have also felt the same desperation and frustration...
Once removed, Rex and Gemmie already provided very valuable advice.
Please also look into topics such as
- trauma bonding
- intermittent reinforcement
- Stockholm syndrome

It might help you to understand why you are so desperate and how to handle it.

Key thing is also that you should take care of yourself: eat healthy, try to get good 8 hrs sleep, exercise ( even if it is just walking outside at least 1 hour a day), try to meet your friends even online/phone and laugh once a day! Do not isolate yourself - even during this damn pandemic we could and should socialize, via phone or internet, at least. And perhaps even try to learn every day something new, like just 20 min learning e.g. Italian...? Just anything to keep you from obsessing him!

I know. I have been there. And we here understand. Good that you found us!
Big hug

[HopelessBroken]

I can relate to so much that you wrote. The highs and the lows, the extreme passionate love and then the hate, the abuse, the manipulation, the lies. I too was diagnosed with PTSD from the relationship. I too was discarded out of nowhere.

It’s really tough when people suggest that you are better off without the person. Because the way you feel he was your life and your love, despite how you were being treated. It’s like, how am I better off in this world without my person?

The reality is that BPD relationships aren’t healthy. Yours wasn’t healthy, mine wasn’t healthy. Unhealthy relationships are so damaging to us.  It doesn’t mean we don’t miss this person terribly. I’m 2 years out and I still think of my ex daily.

I can’t fix this for either of us, but I wanted to let you know I’m here. I’m in this with you, and I understand.

Keep writing. Keep reading. You will get through this pain.

[Rex31807]

The hate and the abuse was what i struggled with. I loved her to distraction since i first saw her. My heart would skip a beqt. We met in HS. Went on a trip to france as part of a group. Then 20 years later we met again after all those years.

We were in our mid 30s and it was by chance but it was like a rocket ship. I love this woman. She is awful to live with. Curses and hits me. I think im in love with the image in my.mind and i dont know what part of the love was real.

When we were teenagers she worked at wendys in the mall.
I worked as a stock boy in the back room of a clothing store. Every time i had a break i would go buy french fries and a coke just to see her.

This divorce kills me. If i dont leave this relationship will kill me.

There are no easy answers and i wish the pain would go away.

[Startingfromzero]

Im so sorry, I wish there was a magic pill that just made all the pain instantly go away forever. 

I've seen a pattern in a lot of our stories and I feel the ones who were really hurt by an abusive partner are just very devoted people.  We put others on pedestals and only hope.  People who are hurtful I feel are people who can't carry positivity and empathy as well as we'd like them to.

I always hate when I'm told that I just had an unrealistic fantasy.  But isn't that what love naturally does?  I feel I was programmed to just hope, be optimistic, and see the good in everyone.  But clearly abuse destroys that understanding of love and hope.

I feel really naive about how I think but I really don't want to carry hate and cinism around all my life.  I just want to believe there's still good in people or I wouldn't see the point in living.

[Ragdolllover]

I've seen a pattern in a lot of our stories and I feel the ones who were really hurt by an abusive partner are just very devoted people.  We put others on pedestals and only hope.  People who are hurtful I feel are people who can't carry positivity and empathy as well as we'd like them to.

100%

I see this trend in so many on these forums. I think the people who end up in long-term relationships with pwBPD or BPD trends really are the only ones who can "put up with it". Either because of optimism, or empathy, or compassion etc.

I wasn't sure if my therapist told me I was very empathetic/compassionate just to make me feel better about myself at first... but now I see it so much in people on these forums.

I think what I've tried to learn myself is to continue to be like this. Not to let the abuser change you, because those traits are wonderful and make you special. Just make sure you invest those traits in people who won't take advantage in the future

[skaman24]

Piling on here, I think that it’s important to remain empathetic, compassionate, and hopeful for love. Startingfromzero, you can absolutely see the good in people; our expwBPD often have incredible kindness and caring deep down, but suffer with this condition in that they cannot regulate their emotions sufficiently to avoid these impulsive behaviors. That’s what makes this a crying damn shame. Beautiful people with these deep injuries. My expwBPD is seeking treatment, and I am I hopeful for her... but do I want to be lied and cheated on again? No. Do I think that one day that she can heal enough to have a happy, stable, satisfying relationship with the right therapy and support? YES. With me... probably not, because life needs to keep moving forward.

The only major takeaway that I had through my detachment is this: USE THE PAIN YOU FEEL to make positive change in your life. I flashed some serious codependent behaviors, and it turned me into a bit of a distrusting and controlling bf. For my entire life, I was never that way, but the BPD relationship breakdown brought me to my emotional knees. Like my T said to me (same: ragdollover), I am incredibly compassionate and empathetic to my expwBPD, and I’ve done all I can do. Now, I am unlearning my codependent ways, changing my thoughts (slowly) to be more positive, and ultimately landing in a better state of mind.

Patience is my goal of the week. Patience with myself specifically. Be kind to yourself, Startingfromzero; you will get there with time.