Trying to survive the roller coaster

[MD0212]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year.  The first two to three months were amazing.  After that our relationship has been a roller coaster of lies, deceit, and no responses.  Six months into the relationship, he moved out of state.  It was a shock.  Things had been bad, but we had made real progress in the month before he left.  He told me the day before he left, he was leaving.  He didn't tell his family at all until he got to the other state.  He left for a job (that is what he tells himself).  He lost the job about 6 weeks later.  Instead of coming home, he chose to stay in the other state and depend on me for money.  In the time period between the job he left to take and his current job, he indulged in drug use and other women.  He eventually found another job and has been there for almost three months.  When I found out about the other women, he shut down and refuses to talk about it which is what he does whenever he does anything wrong.  He texts me everyday, but lately has refused to talk to me much.  He said he wants to fix the relationship and recently agreed to couples therapy.  I am struggling.  I don't know where to go from here.  We have started the therapy, but it has not worked out well due to us being in different states.  I love him so much, but I am not sure if I can survive the relationship.  It is so unhealthy majority of the time.  He breaks my heart almost everyday now with his inconsistency and lack of communication.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You say you love him so much. What about him do you love? And what about him don’t you like?

[MD0212]

He is very kind and gentle to me.  He makes me feel safe every time we are together.  He makes me laugh.  He is very funny.   We have fun together.  We used to talk for hours (although that has changed).  I feel connected to him in a way that I have never felt with anyone else.  He knows what I am thinking.  I know what he is thinking (although that is not good sometimes). He always gets me.  When he is good, he is great. When he is not good, he is awful.  I don't like the lies.  He lies about everything to everyone.  He lies to himself mostly.  He lives in the past too much.  He is best when he is fixing a relationship that he has broken with his lies (whether it is with me, past love, mother, daugther).  He is impulsive.  He does whatever feels good in the moment whether it is another women or drugs or gambling.  He has no consistency.  You can't depend on him.  Somedays, it feels like I'm a yo yo.  He pushes me away and back in and away again.  Today, he didn't show up to our couples therapy and hasn't texted since 2:30am on Saturday morning.  This is the longest we've gone without at least a text in almost a year.  He won't talk to me because he thinks I'm going to end it, but by not talking to me, he is leaving me very little choices.  I'm tired.  I've tried so hard, but I don't know how much more my heart can take.  I don't know how to get him to talk to me when he's so far away physically and mentally.  Should I just leave him alone for a while and see if he reaches out?

[Cat Familiar]

So he’s charming and engaging and mirrors you, so you feel connected and understood. But he’s also unreliable, self serving, and inconsistent.

Have you ever not been the one to pursue when he retreats?

These relationships are difficult and often follow a similar pattern.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

And for those who are living with a BPD partner, there are many challenges.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[MD0212]

Usually when he retreats, I back off to let him have some space.  It typically didn't last but an hour or two, but since he moved away, it has been up and down.  The last six weeks, he has retreated significantly.  He reached out to me today.  He always reaches out when he thinks I'm leaving him.  The therapy that we are doing has been slow.  There doesn't seem to be much progress.  He has already lied to the therapist.  I am about to let him go. I can't help him and continue the relationship when he is 1000 miles away. I am not sure how to communicate with him anymore.  No matter what I say, it's wrong.  No matter what I do, it's wrong.  Any tips on how to open communication with him again?

[Cat Familiar]

Not sure how to open communication with someone who has BPD. But here’s some articles on how to improve communication when you have the opportunity to do so.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[MD0212]

Thank you for sharing the links.  I am trying very hard to communicate with my boyfriend using the methods discussed in the articles.  We have started communicating again some.  It has been slow.  He's been showing up to our virtual counseling sessions now.  I feel like we are connecting again somewhat.  I am having trouble trusting him.  He is trying to be honest finally, but I can't seem to get past the damage the lying has done to our relationship.  I want to trust him, but I am afraid he will lie and hurt me again. I am not sure if it's him I don't trust or me, since at one point I believed his lies. Any suggestions on how to start rebuilding trust in these relationships?