Daughter with BPD

[Bbaum]

I just discovered my adult daughter's diagnosis - she told me her therapist diagnosed BPD.  I never knew what was wrong (diagnosed with ADHD as child and bipolar as a teen), not taking medication.  Over the years the rages at me I didn't understand, but thought I had done something wrong to set her off.  Now she has been diagnosed with cancer and is refusing to communicate with me, saying I treated her like garbage after spending six weeks with her, helping her find housing, setting up her home, fixing her car, walking her dog, grocery shopping, setting up a donation fund to pay her living expenses during treatment and going to chemotherapy with her.  A disagreement over paying her rent ahead sent her into a rage for several days until I couldn't take it and had to leave.  Now I worry about her every day.  I read Eggshells and the Family Guide, and understand better, but it's so painful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Giggy]

I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this.

My son has BPD and he rages at me on a fairly regular basis.  It is exhausting and discouraging.

I too am reading Walking on Eggshells, hopefully we will learn skills to help ourselves and help them.

You are not alone.

[PearlsBefore]

As always, there's the "path of least resistance" and "the most healthful" and they're often not the same...but in dealing with BPD often "the most healthful" is not ultimately healthful at all - so sometimes we have to resort to the lowest common denominator.

Figure out the price of her favourite coffee drink or a 2 litre of Dr. Pepper or a Hershey's dark chocolate bar...some non-alcoholic "treat". Donate that amount to her crowdfund page every morning (or every weekday? every alternate day? every Wednesday?) with the simple message "To help make lunch a little nicer today" or something. It'll cost very little ($10-50/month, I'm guessing she costs you a lot more than that right now anyways?) and will help smooth her ruffled feathers by reminding her EVERY DAY that you care and thought about her.

It's like the lesson every man eventually learns about women, you can bring her 100 roses today and she'll be twice as happy as if you brought her 1 rose.  Or you can bring her 1 rose every week for the next two years and she'll be so much happier.