I feel so alone

[thankful person]

 
Lesbian with BPD wife
My wife is withholding all physical affection and refusing to say I love you, because I’ve never given her the sex she craves.
I miss my parents so much and I just want a hug from them. They are old and my dad has Parkinson’s Disease. We are all getting the vaccine but my wife will not because she is pregnant. So I still won’t be able to see them in case they still passed on the virus which you can do once vaccinated.
I am so unhappy. We have a 17 month old toddler and she is the light of my life and the only thing that is keeping me going right now (but she’s not really into cuddles sadly)..

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

We can help. 

Uggg...a pwBPD handing all responsibility for their sexual satisfaction to you.  I can't imagine that has been fun.

We can get into as many or as few details as you are comfortable with.  Yet as with most things with a pwBPD...the "presenting issue" is usually not "the issue".

Are you guys able to have relaxed conversations about what you guys want sexually?

 Can I ask you to read the article below?

What does it take?

What was your first reaction to this article?

Don't rush it...read it a time or two a day for a couple of days.

What is your next step?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

Hi and thanks for your reply. I have been with my wife for seven years now and she was diagnosed before we met. I read up on BPD online and I knew there were many people warning me just don’t... But I was totally in love with her, and totally obsessed. And I just wanted to help heal her pain. I had always wanted to be needed. I left a much more stable relationship with a man I loved, to be with her.
Things have always been challenging, but just recently, she talks of wanting to end the relationship because I don’t give her what she needs sexually and she has always “suffered” throughout the relationship, because of this. She has not kept it a secret but I always felt fully adored until recently. I am not sure what changed, but it’s certainly since she birthed our first child. The next one is due in a few weeks.
The day is mostly looking after baby (who sleeps in our bed with her, I’m in the spare room with the dog). When baby naps we eat and watch tv. Then I teach online in the afternoon, then it’s evening then bed. There is time for sex if we were to make time, but she doesn’t want to “make an appointment” even though we are both aware that’s what the advice is. But she wants me to talk dirty but I don’t know what she wants to hear. As I’m not allowed any physical contact until she’s turned on this is very difficult but she says I do not turn her on. Last year she was talking about getting a sex partner just to satisfy her needs, but stay with me. Now she just wants me out. I can’t seem to do anything right. I understand that people with BPD are known to “discard”. I know she will never feel like she did at the start of our relationship, but I hope she does somehow value our relationship more than she’s saying. It is hard work, but I am committed to learning to cope and handle things better. One reason she has turned against me is because I have started standing up for myself more, sending my mother pictures of our baby which she didn’t want me to (and I didn’t for over a year).
Any advice anyone has would be so much appreciated. It had been another hard day but her parents are coming round tomorrow so I hope things will be better. If she wants to text and upset me again all night I’m going to sign off when I’ve had enough and just say, I need to sleep sorry. Thank you again kind people.

[once removed]

differing sex drives is a real issue in relationships - a huge one - and it was a big player in my own relationship.

there are a lot of ways to address it, and meet in the middle, so to speak.

when it comes to someone with bpd who has a high sex drive, its not as simple, necessarily, as understanding that you cant keep up with it, or simply dont match. its experienced as rejection. and while being turned down for sex, or for that matter, a partner having a different sex drive is sort of in a technical sense "rejection" (weve all been there), most of us shrug and chalk it up to one person being in the mood and the other not.

so, it helps to understand where your partner is coming from on this. but its not realistic, necessarily, to take on all of her criticisms, or try to match her sex drive.

it will help to discuss this and see what the two of you can come up with, in terms of meeting in the middle. it may even help to see a counselor for a few sessions, if your partner is amenable. one clue she gives you is that she wants things to be spontaneous, rather than planned (planning is one solution of many to explore, it is not necessarily prevailing wisdom; its very vanilla and boring to plenty of people). another clue she gives you is that she wants you to talk dirty, and you admit you dont know what she wants to hear. understandable! its scary to just throw things out there, especially with someone who is easily triggered.

communication around all of these issues is key, and she may need to compromise, and so might you, and none of that may necessarily be easy.