Possible Victim Triangle

[Zoe SB]

 History  : since childhood I have appeared to cause upset in the family . Cannot recall many incidents accurately ; can only suppose that being the youngest and little sister to two brothers, that my immaturity or spoilt nature might have been some of the cause. I seem to have had most conflict with the next brother up to me , with my elder brother keeping the peace and being my protector.
I remember feeling as though I was the cause , again and again and wishing to be no more, once my parents were gone. I felt then, though unable to articulate what I experienced as injustice ( even though it may have been my naughtiness) that there was a complete sense of control and need for my suppression ( some of this came from my father - though he loved me dearly).
 I didn't really feel that I fitted in then ( anywhere - school or home ) and I still don't, ( now I am 55 , still single and have sought love from unavailable and inappropriate sources throughout. I appear to expect too much from everyone, even though I request little, and feel I am unpopular even though people - and I feel, family , don't really know me, ie/ I feel as though to them I am a role , not a person in my own right).
Sounds as though it might be me with the disorder.

Ongoing:
I am youngest of five . The others are now all married and have grown up children of their own. They are generous , friendly , help out in a crisis and at times have been very kind and caring to me . I do not wish to hurt them , anger them more than I  manage to do already or seem selfish or ungrateful .I have always loved them and tried to meet all of their expectations and times of sharing and have enjoyed times when they seem to have genuinely appreciated my company at their events, even the brother with whom the rapport is volatile . This love hate relationship has continued on and off throughout our adolescence and adulthood and has caused me ( and presumably him great pain ).
Generally I perceive the situation to be that he is kind, generous, witty , intelligent and a hit with most people he meets; I am not the only one who thinks he may have been my mother's favourite. If a celebration is to be successful it is often only with his blessing(support) - though the two males together can sometimes dictate whether an 'idea' happens or not , just by their influence of saying yes and being there, usually one of their homes. Fair do s- they have the largest houses ( though not the largest families ). I have none. I am not bitter , but do not have the same experiences, skills, confidence or understanding.

Even before my parents died the majority of the family paid a kind of allegiance to him ; he's popular , and though I wasn't jealous exactly , I did continue to feel an injustice and bias in the kind of collusion that seemed to bind the family to him , yet I still tried to take every encounter as a fresh one and there were times when I genuinely thought he was helping me with a big heart.

In recent years the fall outs have continued . I have never really been able to prove anything , but I have had a distinct feeling that some events I have tried to organise have been subject to a negative influence from him ( in terms of withdrawal of support ) making success a risky, energy zapping , deflated struggle. I have tried to resist being the victim , holding my own verbally and physically - unable to leave the drama alone.

Now that my parents are dead , the family appears to revolve around the two boys , especially him, and the other siblings , I think, are adopting the old family culture of collusion. By that I mean , there's something I feel they expect me to know, or something they know about me , that pertains to him and our relationship - but no one actually tells me what it is ; they just give him support in peculiar situations or make decisions which involved me , but deliver the outcomes without telling me why they've come to a particular conclusion ;  it feels like everyone knows what's going on except me ( though it probably does bear truth in that it has come from some exchange I have had with him). Huh! Complicated and wearing!

My scales tipped with the last grain of disappointment just before Christmas. ( I actually , with years of self help and trying to rise above depression caused by my own poor choices and performance as much as his influence, have managed quite well mentally in Covid.).
It's too lengthy to explain here in detail ,but again I suggested, what they apparently thought was an untenable request with regard to, inviting their grown up children to pop in on the last of a series of zoom calls, though no one said such to me. He waited right up until the last minute ( where I picked an opportunity to enquire about the youngsters 'showing up') to say that they weren't coming; he simply hadn't asked them ( quite intentionally) . No one but me was surprised , in fact all of the others piped up with reasons to explain why the idea never had legs in the first place. I kept quiet, signed off , incredulous beyond expression . I just couldn't work out how or why they could not know how peculiar that was or how devastated I was. All their talk of my welfare in Covid and yet so dismissive over this.
I could accept that their children all have lives but could not believe they should have just not asked on purpose without telling me. I didn't think I was asking a lot for a quick "Hello" - given they are all so technology orientated and use it all the time, even though they knew I wouldn't have seen , nor would see any of them over Christmas. It's hard not to slide towards the 'victim' bench , but I am trying to resist. It was barely noticeable to them. ( and typical of the things that seem to cause me so much angst; as one counsellor put it on line: death by a thousand cuts)

It was crunch time for me and I decided it had to stop . I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of them , even my eldest sister, who, most like me and with whom to date I have had a good relationship, has been calling - asking for catch ups. I've been deflecting calls from a niece too, who I think  had wanted to put a stop to present giving for the whole of her family and instead I set about writing a letter.( I had been asked by her brother to stop the year before , but because each year the gesture of connection seems so fresh and important and because in Covid I thought it would be nice to get 'something' , I persisted anyway- even though doing it proved stressful for me all over again.)

I used a friend ( who also happens to be a counsellor) as a sounding board and together we re wrote the letter so that it was more succinct. I mulled it over , decided to only send a part about choice to have presents in the future ; decided again not to send it; then sent it under duress when the calls kept coming from my niece.
By this time I decided to send it to everyone all at once (young and old) , the same, standard but fairly impersonal, format. This was to stop the miscommunication from happening again and also to try and show that I valued each one as an adult and for themselves, not merely a niece or nephew title.

 In addition it said that I was stepping back from the family and that present giving was one of the changes I wanted to initiate (they were given a token notebook to record ideas in if they wished me to continue giving ). I also added that I was taking a long break from calls and visits but that I would be available through texts, notes and emails.
I had predicted what I thought would be the unpleasant and defensive outcome, and never thought it would be as I wished: an easy and supportive release from the family .
 
I did not think that it would have the negative effect on the vulnerable members of their families who have recently experienced suicidal thoughts and depression - and that was a selfish and careless act on my part. It induced panic in them for me and panic in their parents (two of my siblings) - for me and their children .

They (the two) have been trying to call at points today day and I have stood my ground , trying to assert myself whilst addressing what I know is a high level of concern . I'm feeling sick with a realisation that yet again I've been 'selfish' ; that I am caught again in that feeling of old, that putting myself first has caused and created mayhem for everyone else; and also an anger at myself for not having handled it better - more skillfully and in the process divulging a weakness or lack that does have significant truth , ie/ a suicide default - though that and my depression has improved and I wanted and was happy not to blame but to take my chances on my own with what is left of my life.
My (rescuer) brother was not satisfied with a text or lack of explanation; he wanted a call . I managed to satiate? him with a reason : to take time out in order to refocus on where best to redirect my efforts from here on; saying also that I had back up support and that his son need not worry.
He has accepted that temporarily but wants more detail to feed back to the family so that 'they need not worry or be anxious'.
I am in knots as to what to do .
Research on the 'triangle' says I need to move towards the middle , be vulnerable but not needy . Be assertive but understanding and appreciative . Find a way of making 'the persecutor' back down before he is forced to be exposed . (if what I am experiencing is real and not just me being paranoid). I know he will do everything to either put me down , or win the others over and show me up for my self absorption and careless regard for others ( even if that means ingratiating himself ). I really don't know - maybe he is right.

 I just want to be rid of the whole situation , be allowed to back off , have people contact me as requested or meet me out for activities only if they really want to be with me for who I am. I'll gladly sacrifice my station for that peace.
I do not know what to do . I get the feeling that 'leaving' will not be easy even if someone can advise me as to what to say .
Though I do not want to mend things ( because I doubt the possibility of change and am now almost happy for them to keep their stable family culture if they are all content) part of me thinks to suggest a professional help meeting for all the siblings would be the best suggestion . I would insist that it only was possible if all were there. In the event of a no show, the others might agree to let me go with my original wish.
However there's a part of me that thinks he might call my bluff; come , and somehow over turn the proceedings so that either everyone comes to agreement - but not really , and nothing changes , or somehow , as usually happens I am left ( sorry for being the victim again) seeming as though I've created a huge storm in a very small teacup. In which case the others will, though even more mistrustful or wearing their hat of concern for the mentally unstable ie/ me, think it has been dissolved ( rather than resolved) .. but he will make me pay somehow . That sounds incredibly paranoid but I believe it , and I want 'out' more than ever... in a good way ( for now).

I'm talking to some friends tomorrow evening but probably need help before then; it seems and age away and I don't want to lean too heavily on them.
I'm flooded with podcasts but don't , on past experience and my track record , have faith that what comes out of my mouth will be the right and best thing , for me , for everyone.
Is there someone out there can help ? (UK)
Do we get a copy of this emailed to us?

[pursuingJoy]

my goodness I feel your tension and sadness and frustration. Yours sounds like a complicated family dynamic that centers on your brother's will. After all you've been through, I understand why you want space from them.

I learned from others here that the best boundaries are simple, clear, and they're held. I once told my ex that I didn't want him to walk in my house any more. The first thing he did next time he dropped off the kids was to say he needed to use the restroom. If I hadn't stood my ground and said 'no,' or continued to say no when he began to berate and mock me, the boundary I set would have dissolved.

Asking for space from a family upsets the entire family dynamic and causes panic for all. It's a normal part of the process. Think a good deal about what you want, simplify and communicate your request, assume they will push back hard, and stand firm. Restate your simple boundary if necessary.

I know it doesn't feel good. You're taking some very courageous steps. We're here. 

pj

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, ZoeSB. I just wanted to add my welcome.

You can manage your e-mail notifications by clicking "My Settings" on the green menu bar at the top of the page, then "Notifications and Email" on the left hand menu. I hope that helps.

I'm sorry to hear the stress you are feeling in your family situation. Can you help clarify for me who in your life you feel may have BPD traits? Do you feel the description fits your brother, or someone else in your family?

We do have a lot of reading here for family members of people with BPD which might help with some of the subjects you are asking about, such as "Are We Victims?" and The Karpman Drama Triangle.

I understand you felt greatly disappointed when your brother didn't tell his adult children about the zoom call at Christmas when you had hoped to see them. I suppose I would ask, if they are adults and you would like to connect with them, are you able to reach out to them directly on your own? What ways did you find to cope with the feelings of disappointment you experienced?

I'm also noticing that it sounds like your niece and nephew have communicated a boundary with you, which is that they would prefer not to exchange gifts. I can understand why that might feel like you are losing a way to connect with them, and I also wonder if there might be other ways you can connect while still honoring their boundaries. I hear that your family members are reaching out to talk with you on the phone, so it seems like they must also share some desire to stay connected. Am I understanding all of that correctly?

Looking forward to hearing back from you.