Hello BPD family , it’s been 3 months since I broke up and ended my engagement to my BPD ex. He like most although diagnosed 2 years ago found every reason to not stick to or delay treatment. His attempts to reconnect and recycle have been compelling but this time I know what’s going on . I have been using a cost benefit approach and you all have been helping me !
For example : What’s the benefit of responding to that last apology email
I can try to explain my position again for the 100th time in hopes it makes the break up easier ) or the cost :(answering me this email will cost me my focus , my peace of mind , possible my boundaries, my sleep if he calls 100 times back to back ...)
I read these post and see what the cost is for answering that text or phone call or trying to “help” with being the rescuer.. it’s helped me stay committed to my personal freedom because I find the cost is always more than I can pay ...especially since I’m emotionally bankrupt after this relationship. It’s crazy how I poured so much into one person and can’t do it for myself ! It’s a slow recovery process to begin to get back in my own skin. To get over the blah and empty feelings I sometimes have . But then I came up here and I saw the quote “ Your new life is going to cost you your old one.” This is so true to me
I was doing good until I answered a no caller I’d call and it lead to problems right away. He jumped right back into the idealization phase wanted us to go an start a new life somewhere where no one knows about us. Says that he’s changed and DBT is working. He listened to my concerns like a normal person would and responded appropriately. I just thought the whole time he’s acting ! Of course he was... and that interaction set me back. I found myself ruminating and distracted almost like he has a spell on me or something... it’s always hard for me when I break no contact . It’s no good for either of us . The therapist said it’s sends him mixed signals . I shouldn’t have answered that call maybe secret ly I had wanted too? That’s why I started doing this cost benefit.. no matter what my feelings try to tell me in that moment I can see that it will cost me more then I’m willing to pay for the interaction ,I hope this helps someone.
