DIL with BPD—-Help

[Mawinlaw]

My Son has been married for 10 years. We found out about 2 years ago that he had been suffering emotional and some physical abuse. We had no idea! She presents herself so well to everyone! In fact, I always thought our son was the one who was struggling. Come to find out ...he was! She would fluctuate between demeaning and verbally abusing him and demanding “crazy sex.” Then, when he didn’t seem interested because he was afraid of being insulted, she would go on a rant, screaming and cursing. He never told us any of this because she swore him to secrecy and convinced him that she only acted this way because of him. We did notice that she depended on him to do most of the chores, never done to her satisfaction and everything seemed to be his fault. (If they were late, if they forgot something etc) One time he went with me to the store and almost had a panic attack because he bought baby food without asking her! I even offered to pay but he said if he came home with anything other than what she told him to buy she would “go off.”
So, now that we know we’ve been cut off from the grandkids and our son repeatedly, until she needs us. She keeps telling our son she wants a divorce but she’s pregnant again so she says she’s “willing” to let him stay until after the baby comes. ( so he can wake up at all hours to take care of the baby for her I’m sure. He’s been seeing a great counselor lately and is in a better place emotionally, but that is infuriating her because he won’t listen to her rants. She went to an intensive therapy for several weeks but just talks about all of the “people in her life” that the information could help. She won’t admit she has a problem. She also won’t allow the therapists to speak with our son or any other family members so they only know what she’s telling them, which is that it is everyone else’s fault that she feels like killing herself.
The thing is, we all still love her, want to be there for her and truly don’t want to hurt or abandon her.
 But my biggest question:
If she insists on a divorce is it safe for her children to be in her custody. She can’t seem to manage her own life or emotions and the kids already show signs of emotional scars. Any kids of BPD moms out there with insight? Or others with experience in a similar situation? I sure could use some advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

It is great news that your son is seeing a counsellor and, from what you say, this is helping your son take back something of his own life.

I am assuming around two years ago he started telling you about what was happening behind closed doors? It is a big thing to be able to talk about things.

Of course now that you do know it is all the more painful to be cut off from him and your grandchildren unless you are needed. So many people here have the same experience and suffer the same pain.

Re the possibility of divorce. It is good to look ahead at the possibility of this and what the consequences might be. The children are quite young I gather - and one new one on the way!

If there was a separation your son could apply for the children to reside with him and their mother to have a routine of access. It will all depend on the sort of evidence you have. You mention your DIL has been violent towards your son. Does she yell, hit or punish the children in an inappropriate way? Is she unable to care for them sufficiently?

Are the children more attached to your son than their mother?

Are the children the reason your son is still in the relationship?

If the children are unsafe physically or emotionally with their mother then it is important that you document in some way the instances that support this. If your son is telling his counsellor all these instances then that would be very helpful.

It seems your DIL can appear charming and capable. If in the future you need to show the courts that this is not the case, then you need to have documented the reality of what is happening.

I hope you and your son continue to develop the skills to support each other and your extended family.