Sister wBPD blames me for everything

[_sickandtired_24]

Hi everyone. I'm new here- I've been searching for support groups and message boards to talk about my sister and hopefully receive some support from others who have been in similar situations. I am hopeful to hear about your stories and opinions on my own. Anecdotes and comments welcome.

My sister is in her mid-30s, and I'm in my mid-20s. We have never been close. When I was a kid, she constantly tormented me, stole my stuff, and generally did not respect my boundaries as a kid. Even when she was in college, she would come home and go through my bedroom and take my things (or whine and 'bully' me into giving them to her to shut her up). I was 12-14 yo at the time. She's also been arrested, chronic drug addict, and has a history of unstable relationships (some abusive). My relationship with her today is so superficial...like I feel that I can't trust her and grew up with that feeling. So that has really prevented me from forming a strong attachment to her. Sometimes I hate that, but at the same time it feels like protection at times (especially this year when she's splitting and seems determined to keep me as a "villain" in her BPD reality). 

Looking back, maybe her teenage years/college years is where some of her issues started or began surfacing? I'm not sure. She definitely had a way of pushing other people's buttons way before her official diagnosis and breakdown into BPD. She also NEVER apologized or made up after arguments, disagreements, or when she had treated me wrongly. She just assumed I'd be over it as quick as she was.

Now, she's living with our mother (who I'm very close with). Her husband (my BIL) lives there too. My sister has totally devolved into a BPD spiral in the past year and really should be institutionalized to receive better care. She flits from zoom therapist-to-zoom therapist, but the second they tell her something she doesn't like...she's gone. There have been many times during her 'meltdowns' that she says she knows all she needs to know about therapy and that she doesn't want to do it anymore. How can you help someone who won't even help themselves?

My mother tells me that my sister has BPD meltdowns just about every other day. These consist of screaming, crying, etc. and she'll typically list off a list of perceived grievances. She blames all of her issues onto our dead father, our mother, our older brother, and me. She'll list times when we had disgreements, arguments, even reference a time when I made a sarcastic/joking comment that was received in poor taste. Anytime we don't give her what she wants, she takes that as "we don't love her," or "we won't support her."

At what point is walking away the best option? How can I support her but also not sacrifice myself in the process?

[Methuen]

Hi sickandtired24,

Welcome.  You've landed at a really good place.  Some of the things you've described resonate with my experience as well, such as the lack of boundaries, the superficial relationship (to protect yourself), the high conflict personality, the inability to apologize, the need to blame others to avoid ever looking inwardly, being unlovable, dragging up old history (distorted) and the fact that she can make you feel like nothing you do for her is good enough, not making good decisions (an inference of mine since you mention she's been arrested)...

There have been many times during her 'meltdowns' that she says she knows all she needs to know about therapy and that she doesn't want to do it anymore. How can you help someone who won't even help themselves?

You are right. Since she is in her mid 30's, but still living at home (with your mom and dad) and with her husband, and having daily meltdowns, how is that working out for your parents?  It doesn't seem sustainable...

At what point is walking away the best option? How can I support her but also not sacrifice myself in the process?

 I am wondering if you have you had a chance to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" yet?  If not, it's a really really great place to start.  You will find so much support there, and it's easy to read.  Many people find that once they get started, the book is so validating to their experience, that it is hard to put down.

I would suggest reading something like this, before you "walk away", if you can. It gives perspective, practical suggestions, and after reading it, one can decide with a more informed approach, as to whether "taking a break" or trying some new strategies is the best way forward.  On the other hand, if you feel physically or emotionally "unsafe", then it is a good idea to take a break from her.  Keep in mind that breaks don't need to be permanent.  They can be temporary too.  BPD's are high conflict, so part of our challenge is to learn how to not be reactive to the craziness, and not be drawn into that.