Arguments, silent treatments, rinse and repeat?

[Kyanna]

On Valentine’s Day I blew up on my bf. We were on our way to visit my parents. I’m not proud of my outburst of anger and I feel terribly guilty. I said some very hurtful things to him. He didn’t rage. Just yelled that I was mean and evil. He turned the truck around and drove home. I grabbed some things and went to my parents home. I’ve been staying there since.

You’re probably wondering what is the story behind my outburst.  I’ve been under a lot of stress. Since November of 2020, a family member has been in and out of the hospital. I’ve been in charge of running our family businesses. My own business was put on hold. Bf was an easy target. He and I have been together for over 6 years. We have had our share of problems. The last year has been good except for my residual anger and resentment for his past transgressions. I continued to work with a therapist on resolving those issues. He has shown massive signs of improvement except for one thing...his anger issues. Its either he was fooling me really good or he was really trying. That’s all I really needed was to see his willingness to change and better himself. I knew if we didn’t make it this time, it would be because of nothing else but his anger. I’m not making excuses for my behavior. I was down right nasty with the things I said. You would think I hated this man. I truly don’t. I was frustrated, tired, and upset about a number of things. I took it out on him. Trivial things really. He didn’t take it lightly.

After that day, I gave him a few days to cool down. He didn’t contact me in that time. Then I called him, no answer. I went to the house, he was on his way out. I sent him a text as he drove by asking to talk. No reply. I then sent my apology by text. We exchanged a few messages and I said how genuinely sorry I was for what I said. That was that. I thought we would begin to repair our issues. Sadly, I was wrong.

I said to myself I didn’t want to push him. I probably wouldn’t want to speak either if the situation was reversed. Boy was I wrong that would be ok after that. He is not like you and I. A disordered person reacts differently to these types of things. I began to realize he was trying to punish me. The days and weeks that followed he would text multiple times throughout the day asking about my family member. Wanting to know how they were doing and what was going on. He would not speak to me the status of the relationship. Anytime I brought up the relationship, he would shut me down. Saying I will never trust him. I had anger and resentment. I said ok, I deserve the wall he put up. It will take time. Wrong again. He wouldn’t entertain any healthy communication to move forward. I started to question his intentions. I told him he was just playing games and to leave me alone. He persisted. Only texting about my family. About a month after the fight, I stopped responding. I felt that he was just stringing me along while he played games. Every interaction was about how i was to blame. He wasn’t going to play me for a fool ever again so I decided to go NC around March 11th. He messaged once or twice saying he hoped everything was ok. I regret not responding to those attempts to contact. Never heard from him again. I felt he was trying to punish me and thought it would brush over, but now I feel abandoned.

Since then I have been in deep, dark, painful silence. I haven’t reached out. I am ok. My family member is getting better. I’m back to work. Storm is passing. I’m trying to move on, but this silence is killing me slowly. The way we left things is killing. I want to do the right thing but I also want to protect myself. There is a very dark side to him and if he wanted to sort this out with me, he would say so.

Just looking for a little guidance and support I guess. My head is very foggy and I have very little clarity.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So you both have had angry outbursts, you both have shut down communication with each other, and now you’d like to make amends and see if there’s any willingness for an open communication?

People with BPD tend to be volatile and that he has had anger issues in the past isn’t surprising. Also it’s not surprising that you lashed out at him due to a history of being the recipient of his angry outbursts as well as the cumulative stress you’ve been under from family illness and business matters.

What exactly would you like to accomplish when you do reach out to communicate with him?

[Kyanna]

So you both have had angry outbursts, you both have shut down communication with each other, and now you’d like to make amends and see if there’s any willingness for an open communication?

People with BPD tend to be volatile and that he has had anger issues in the past isn’t surprising. Also it’s not surprising that you lashed out at him due to a history of being the recipient of his angry outbursts as well as the cumulative stress you’ve been under from family illness and business matters.

What exactly would you like to accomplish when you do reach out to communicate with him?

You’ve pretty much summed it up correctly. I don’t know what I hope to gain by communicating with him. I keep hoping for something he is not capable of. Its unhealthy and I know it.

I can’t find it in myself to reach out to him. This is the longest we have gone without any type of communication. Radio silence. If I even think to reach out, I will be opening a can of worms I’m not prepared to deal with. I am almost certain he wants me to beg, cry, and show up on the doorstep. That will never happen. I refuse to show him he has that kind of power over me. I’m pretty sure he will use that to his advantage and will walk all over me.

I have never spoken to him the way I did that day. I have never lashed out. I’m a very mindful person and I know what I’m dealing with. I had just reached my capacity with all the things going on in our lives at that moment.

It appears to me that he used this incident as an excuse to bail out of the relationship. I’m not a mind reader, but he rejected any real communication. He resorted to text messages that offered no real resolution. Just a lot of cutting me down. He even said he wasn’t going to be on the sidelines forever waiting for me to be the right person! What was he trying to say by that? Who says things like that? If he really cared to mend things with me in a healthy way, he would make this a priority. He definitely hasn’t.

I tried to talk to him in person. I called him on the phone. I messaged him. All were rejected. He does not want to talk about the relationship yet he wanted to keep communication open about a family member. What is the reason for that? At this point I feel like I did all that I could and he hasn’t not shown any sign he wants to continue the relationship. I can’t force him to be with me. I can’t force him to communicate with me. If he isn’t saying anything, then the only assumption I can come up with is that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I have left him alone. It has been over a month since our fight. This doesn’t feel like any old silent treatment. This seems like the end. Too much time has passed. Am I wrong for the way I handled things? Is there more I should have done? If he did what I did, would I expect him to fix things?

Still I disagree with his lack of communication. You don’t just neglect talking things through. Repairing after conflict should strengthen not break us. I know I tried to talk to him, but did I do the right thing by ignoring his messages? Now I feel like the one who was not communicating and giving the silent treatment. This is a mess.

 

[Kyanna]

I’ve been reading a lot on this site and it’s amazing how disordered people behave so similarly.

I insulted my bf so badly that I think he won’t ever speak to me again. I keep telling myself that if we can’t overcome something like this by communicating then we don’t stand a chance. He makes me feel like I am nothing. I have seen him do this to family, friends, even his children. He doesn’t have a healthy relationship with not a single person. Most recently his daughter went on a rant telling him all sorts of things about her childhood. He didn’t speak to her for 2 months. Things are good if we don’t challenge him or hold him accountable for anything. I keep reminding myself that if he will do that to his own daughter, who am I? I am nobody.

I guess I need to look at this from a different perspective. This is another chance for me to move on and live a healthy life. I have been doing internal work for years now. I will continue to do so. It hasn’t been easy. I have a wonderful therapist who has been with me for 5 years. He knows a lot about the relationship and has helped me to grow tremendously. I need to find strength and rely on family and my counselor to help me through this. This forum and reading is helping. I can find the support I need to get through this. I know I can. I do wish I did not ignore his messages. I still want to try. I don’t want to give up so easily, but I am at a loss right now. I don’t think anything good would come out of me reaching out to him. The best thing I can do is focus on myself for now.

[Cat Familiar]

I think it’s an excellent time to focus on your own personal development.

You have two conflicting desires: you wish you would have responded to his messages, yet you don’t feel like reaching out to him because you think nothing good would come of it.

That he doesn’t have a healthy relationship with anyone and treats others poorly is concerning. Were you hoping you’d be the one to break this pattern?

So many of us here have put up with intolerable behavior, waiting for the times when the nice side of our partner would return. Why do we do that? Family patterns, codependency, and caregiver tendencies. https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Do you think any of that might explain why you have been involved with someone who doesn’t want to be challenged and isn’t willing to repair the relationship?

[Kyanna]

I think it’s an excellent time to focus on your own personal development.

You have two conflicting desires: you wish you would have responded to his messages, yet you don’t feel like reaching out to him because you think nothing good would come of it.

That he doesn’t have a healthy relationship with anyone and treats others poorly is concerning. Were you hoping you’d be the one to break this pattern?

So many of us here have put up with intolerable behavior, waiting for the times when the nice side of our partner would return. Why do we do that? Family patterns, codependency, and caregiver tendencies. https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Do you think any of that might explain why you have been involved with someone who doesn’t want to be challenged and isn’t willing to repair the relationship?

I’ve done a lot of inner work. Which makes me feel like I should be able to handle this better than I am. A few years ago I discovered, through therapy, that I am very codependent. Textbook codependent. I am very much like my mother. My bf shares a lot of traits as my father. I didn’t even know what codependency was until I started educating myself.  I am still working on myself to break those habits or to at least be mindful of them. I realize it will be lifelong work. This should explain why I am reluctant to let go of this relationship and why I continued to stay in this cycle for 6 years now. I am desperately trying to change that narrative. I didn’t think he would change for me, but I was hoping we could make things work. 

There is an internal conflict going on within me. My heart wants something my brain knows is not good for me. I did not want the relationship to end. This time feels very different. I have never insulted him like this. We have never gone this long without communication. I feel absolutely worthless to him. I’m finding it very hard to see things clearly. I don’t know who was wrong or if we both were. Either way, it’s over now and if I don’t have intentions of trying to communicate with him, then I need to move on. The things he last said to me keep replaying in my mind. That’s why I shut down and stopped communicating. If he wanted to try, he would. He was giving me mixed signals after the fight. We’ve been in NC for over 2 weeks now. The best thing I can do for myself is leave him alone and work on myself right now.