BPD husband and crazy making

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there, I am so happy to find this group. I have been married for over 30 years and it has been a difficult marriage. I had a major life change (father died in my arms) and it brought to a head relationship issues that I had to address. I started seeing a therapist and he suggested that my husband possibly could be diagnosed with BPD. I work the the field of mental health, and I was surprised by this idea. This has been a long road with this man, and I could fill a book with examples. But I will just give a few and see if anyone out there can recognize any of this. Husband gets distant and angry if I am not well...left me alone with 2 small children while I was miscarrying and said "What am I supposed to do...sit here and stare at you?".   I had some serious breathing issues (very low pulse ox) and he refused to drive me to the hospital...I drove myself.  He has always been distant and even angry if I get sick or was on my period too long, or get a UTI  (He is also hyper sexual).  I have tried to understand his feelings on this...his mother used to use being ill for attention. I very rarely get sick, and try not to rely on him if I am.  My father was recently hospitalized and within the week diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died within 4 days of being diagnosed. My sister and I provided his hospice care at home and he died in our arms.  My family lives 3 hours away and I was completely exhausted from drives back and forth and devastated mentally.  My husband initially was supportive, but quickly started drama, (started drama while my dad was dying...he didn't like that I was not home).  He had difficulty understanding why I didn't bounce  back within the week. I have always been the one to keep things together in or family and I understand that me falling apart made him feel insecure.  His behavior during this time made me really step back and take a frank look.  He was so upset that I was not able to  keep up the every other night sex schedule (the only way to keep him from being in a bad mood) that he went into a several week silent treatment and was contemplating leaving me. (at least that is what he said). It was at this point that I decided that I was not going to react to the silent treatment in order to stop the behavior and was not going to give into the guilt to have sex.  It occurred to me that he did often find at way to make things, even my fathers death, about him. At this point...I decided this behavior was very abusive and sought therapy. I did not consult him or  tell him. When I did let him know I was seeing a therapist he got very angry that I did this without discussing it with him. On one hand, of course I see that would hurt him...that he felt left out. On the other...I was so hurt that I just wanted to do this for myself without his input. He is very judgmental and has an opinion about what everyone (including me) should do, should have done, should think etc...and I just wanted this for myself. I was seeking help to process my fathers death, my relationship (the silent treatment, sexual issues, and his deep fall into conspiracy theories politically) that were rocking my world at this point. I KNOW I should have gotten to this point before 30 years went by and I wish I could say why I didn't...but I am still working that out. My therapist mentioning that this may be BPD has given me pause. I am aware this behavior is abuse...but I have empathy. I am trying to walk that line between understand and making excuses.  While I appreciate my therapists help...I do believe the people who actually live with this day after day are the real experts. Anyone with any insight? Advise on how and how not to deal this? Is there any hope? Truth on my end, I don't believe I love him anymore, I have empathy, he is the father of my children...so I care what happens to him. But I am exhausted and have been drained of everything I have.

[FlossieA]

Hi there, I am so happy to find this group. I have been married for over 30 years and it has been a difficult marriage. I had a major life change (father died in my arms) and it brought to a head relationship issues that I had to address. I started seeing a therapist and he suggested that my husband possibly could be diagnosed with BPD. I work the the field of mental health, and I was surprised by this idea. This has been a long road with this man, and I could fill a book with examples. But I will just give a few and see if anyone out there can recognize any of this. Husband gets distant and angry if I am not well...left me alone with 2 small children while I was miscarrying and said "What am I supposed to do...sit here and stare at you?".   I had some serious breathing issues (very low pulse ox) and he refused to drive me to the hospital...I drove myself.  He has always been distant and even angry if I get sick or was on my period too long, or get a UTI  (He is also hyper sexual).  I have tried to understand his feelings on this...his mother used to use being ill for attention. I very rarely get sick, and try not to rely on him if I am.  My father was recently hospitalized and within the week diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died within 4 days of being diagnosed. My sister and I provided his hospice care at home and he died in our arms.  My family lives 3 hours away and I was completely exhausted from drives back and forth and devastated mentally.  My husband initially was supportive, but quickly started drama, (started drama while my dad was dying...he didn't like that I was not home).  He had difficulty understanding why I didn't bounce  back within the week. I have always been the one to keep things together in or family and I understand that me falling apart made him feel insecure.  His behavior during this time made me really step back and take a frank look.  He was so upset that I was not able to  keep up the every other night sex schedule (the only way to keep him from being in a bad mood) that he went into a several week silent treatment and was contemplating leaving me. (at least that is what he said). It was at this point that I decided that I was not going to react to the silent treatment in order to stop the behavior and was not going to give into the guilt to have sex.  It occurred to me that he did often find at way to make things, even my fathers death, about him. At this point...I decided this behavior was very abusive and sought therapy. I did not consult him or  tell him. When I did let him know I was seeing a therapist he got very angry that I did this without discussing it with him. On one hand, of course I see that would hurt him...that he felt left out. On the other...I was so hurt that I just wanted to do this for myself without his input. He is very judgmental and has an opinion about what everyone (including me) should do, should have done, should think etc...and I just wanted this for myself. I was seeking help to process my fathers death, my relationship (the silent treatment, sexual issues, and his deep fall into conspiracy theories politically) that were rocking my world at this point. I KNOW I should have gotten to this point before 30 years went by and I wish I could say why I didn't...but I am still working that out. My therapist mentioning that this may be BPD has given me pause. I am aware this behavior is abuse...but I have empathy. I am trying to walk that line between understand and making excuses.  While I appreciate my therapists help...I do believe the people who actually live with this day after day are the real experts. Anyone with any insight? Advise on how and how not to deal this? Is there any hope? Truth on my end, I don't believe I love him anymore, I have empathy, he is the father of my children...so I care what happens to him. But I am exhausted and have been drained of everything I have.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cat Familiar]

So sorry about your father’s death. How heartbreaking 

The way you describe your husband sounds like he has a personality disorder with many narcissistic traits. Certainly BPD is a strong possibility, as many people with BPD are comorbid with NPD.

It seems as if you haven’t had an equal relationship for perhaps the entire duration of your marriage. There is a profound lack of empathy and an extreme self focus on his wants and needs.

That this has characterized your marriage makes me wonder if you’ve considered that you may be codependent or a caretaker.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

I had a similar experience when my dad died. He’d been ill for a while and I flew to see him when it was close to the end. The day after he died, my ex husband, who sounds very similar to yours (with added behaviors such as infidelity, drug use, and financial irresponsibility), called me at my mother’s house and told me that if I didn’t fly home immediately, he’d kill himself.

That was the beginning of the end for me, and of course I didn’t accede to his demands. But it made it very clear how selfish and self centered he was and how he had zero empathy for me.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your father.

The death of my father was a turning point for me too, both with my family of origin and in my own marriage. My mother is severely BPD and the whole family rallied around her needs. For the other family members, co-dependency was the normal. I didn't even see it as not normal. I thought it was just how I needed to be in order for someone to love me.

However, I thankfully knew better than to seek out someone with the same behaviors as my mother and I didn't but couldn't understand why, if my H is so different from my mother in ways- why did we recreate some similar relationship dynamics that I observed in my parents? Why was a feeling so unhappy?

I don't think any therapist would say he has BPD, he doesn't meet the criteria but there's still something there that matched my co-dependent traits and set us off on this difficult situation. But all the PD's exist on a spectrum. I could recognize the obvious dysfunction in someone else, but not the less obvious ones and being co-dependent I would not have recognized my own part in the pattern.

I recall the anger at not being available for sex, and doing the "keep the peace deed" and other things in order to avoid being angry at. I also lost interest in drama of any kind after my Dad died. You don't just bounce back. Grief as you know, is normal, it takes time and you are grieving now. I went to see a counselor and while she didn't assign a label to my H, she did assign one to me: co-dependent and started me on working on it. Yes, it would have felt validating for her to "take my side" but it wouldn't have helped me make my own changes. You know that we can't change someone else, we have to change ourselves.

All these peace keeping behaviors are based on fear- fear of the other person getting angry, fear of not being loved, fear of them leaving. The other side of this is that- when we do them, we reinforce the actual behaviors we are afraid of. Whether someone has a disorder or not, we "teach them how to treat us". If your H knows he gets sex for being a jerk, well he's going to keep on being a jerk. I don't think it's fair to withold sex in a marriage- that gets into some awful consequences and is really harmful, but I don't think "keep the peace" sex is good for a marriage either. I think this is something to work on with your T- how to have a physical side to your marriage but not have it be an emotionally abusive one for you.

While I don't think it's possible to change another person, working on your own co-dependent behaviors can change the dynamics between two people. I will say thankfully that for us, things are better than they were--I did a lot of personal work on co-dependency.  He's also invested in the marriage and made efforts and I am not dealing with a situation like my mother is.

You ask is there hope and I think improvement depends on may factors but gaining better relationship skills can help no matter the outcome. While the dynamics between me and my mother are better since I have learned how to deal with her better, she is severely affected by BPD and I don't believe change on her part is possible.

You say you don't feel any love for your H at the moment. It's not a surprise that you don't feel much beyond the grief right now. Your emotional "cup" is running on empty now. The grief over the loss of my father was about all I could begin to deal with at the time. One thing I learned in 12 steps was "don't look to an empty well to drink"- your H and perhaps others may not be able to help you fill that emotional cup, but you can do it- with self care, counseling, friends. You have taken a big step by getting a counselor for yourself. It's not about your H - it's for you.

It doesn't sound like you are in a dangerous situation ( not physical abuse) even if verbal and emotional abuse isn't exactly safe. But if you are physically safe you don't need to think about acting on your non feelings of love right now by making any decisions about the marriage. ( unless you want to). For now, focus on self care, being good to yourself. IMHO taking on changes like stopping the "keep the peace sex" might not be the best time at the moment as you may not want to deal with this right now. Change isn't quick but I think the most effect you will get is to not focus on him so much, whether or not he has a label, but on your behaviors and any co-dependent traits- when you are ready. And perhaps the first best step is to allow yourself to grieve and take care of you.