Should I Stay or Should I Go

[EZEarache]

So, a few weeks ago I was brought to the hospital in handcuffs after losing my sh#! and threatening suicide. If you're interested in more of the backstory you can read it from this thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348830.0

Since then we've finally had a therapy session. Previously my ex was threatening me with filing for custody. Her threats made it sound like the paper work had already been handed in. Of course I called an attorney, and got advice. In therapy it sort of turned into, I was only considering filing for custody. Where would you get this crazy idea that I had filed for custody. My parents and friends who are concerned about this situation, also thought it sounded like she definitely was filing.

Our baby sitter's husband has since been diagnosed with Covid. Because my ex has a demanding job, I told her that I was willing to go home and help take care of our boy, if she had conflicts with work since we lost childcare. The response I got was about me forgetting to wash a spoon, smooshed a dropped a blueberry on the floor, and dispose of a diaper improperly on my last visit  made her feel like the primary caregiver. (For the record, when I agreed to having a kid, she promised that she would be a primary caregiver.) Anyway a couple hours later she said she was nervous about an important meeting that was happening in an hour. There was no mention that she actually needed help, just that she was nervous about the meeting. I responded that I could get there shortly after her meeting started and watch our son. She obliged and was extremely thankful for my effort.

This seemed to have been a game changer for us. On Saturday when I went over, she was very friendly to me. At this point, I have a serious shield up anytime I interact with her. I have been choosing my words carefully for the last 6 months, but now even more so. She started talking about how her friend blew her off, and refused to visit. I felt bad for her, but could only muster a cold, "That must feel very frustrating, for you." (I told her when we first started dating that she should get a wider social circle, but she said she was an introvert and only wanted a few close friends. I understand this viewpoint and used to feel the same way, but after a previous relationship ended, I decided to try and cast a wide net with people. I ended up being really glad that I did. It completely changed my life for the better)

On Sunday morning I wake up to texts at 6 a.m., that she had scheduled a new Covid vaccine appointment for me that was 2 hours closer than my original location, and a week sooner. That was so nice of her and a trait of the woman I originally fell in love with.

However, at the same time, I can't forget that she's threatened me with court orders, etc. She's been texting me repeatedly telling me, "you need help." I absolutely do, I admit this. But the more I research, the more I think that I'm not the only one that needs help. I know I can't tell her to get help, at least not in the same way she's been telling me. For me to stay in this relationship and have a nurturing nuclear family, we're both going to need assistance.

We have a therapy session tonight, and last week in a private session, I suggested to our therapist that she might have BPD. He said that he has suspected the same thing. He seemed reluctant to give a full diagnosis, though.

She can be reasonable and understanding when life isn't too stressful. It has been really stressful for the past 18 months. Our timeline has been completely nuts, and the pandemic is just the cherry on top, bringing it all together. She is extremely intelligent, and insightful.

Can anyone offer me a way to suggest that she get her own help? This was actually one of the things that she had agreed to when we were discussing having children. My therapist at the time was the one who thought it would be a good idea.

[EZEarache]

Sorry trying to modify my post, but somehow it turned into a response.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi EZEarache:
I'm sorry about what you have been through.  It sounds like a lot to deal with.  Perhaps your primary focus right now should be on you.  The only control you have is over yourself and how you interact and react.  The healthier you are, both mentally and physically, the better parent you can be.

As far as whether you should stay or go, only you can make that decision.

You have no power to change your wife. She is not going to change, unless she wants to.  Many people with BPD or strong BPD traits maintain the position that "there is nothing wrong with them - the problem is you".

I hope that joint therapy works, but don't be surprised if she won't take responsibility for bad behaviors or even admit that she at least plays a part in problem interactions.

Sorry trying to modify my post, but somehow it turned into a response.

There is a short window of time, during which you an edit.   I believe it's like 20 minutes or maybe 30.

We have a therapy session tonight, and last week in a private session, I suggested to our therapist that she might have BPD. He said that he has suspected the same thing. He seemed reluctant to give a full diagnosis, though.   

  Unless there could be some insurance advantage (i.e. you need the diagnosis for some form of treatment), there is no advantage in getting a BPD diagnosis.  Most people with BPD react unfavorable to the diagnosis.  Best to focus on the individual behaviors.

Can anyone offer me a way to suggest that she get her own help? This was actually one of the things that she had agreed to when we were discussing having children. My therapist at the time was the one who thought it would be a good idea.   

Have you tried to talk to her about her earlier promise to get therapy?  I'm guessing she can't remember ever saying that.  Maybe with her stepping into couple's therapy, it might lead to her own therapy.  It's hard to predict.  Working on how you interact and react could make things better for you.  Have you checked out any of the suggested communication skills on this website?  A good place to start is to go to the large green band at the top of the page and check out the "Tools Menu".  "Don't Invalidate" is a good lesson to learn about (relates to feelings versus facts).  Setting boundaries is important as well.  Have you tried setting some boundaries with your wife?

[livednlearned]

It's impressive the skills you're using to cut the reactivity in half.

Have you come across the book High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti? It's probably the best out there when one or both partners have active amygdala's when triggered.

I'm not sure if I followed whether you're living together right now? Or are you staying elsewhere?

[EZEarache]

Thanks for your responses. I private messaged Naughty Nibbler by accident, I'm still learning this board's interface.

I have a new apartment. I'm still in the process of moving out. I'm kind of dragging my feet with it a little bit, because when I'm packing I get to see my son.

I'll check out the book once I'm done with this BPD workbook I bought. It should arrive on Friday. I read a book called BIFFs which was recommended by our therapist, which actually what caused me to go down this wormhole on BPD in the first place.

Thanks again for the responses, just reading other people's words about all of this, makes me feel better.

[ForeverDad]

Whatever your prior arrangements were regarding who would be primary parent, the facts are that you appear to be the more stable parent.  Right?  What does that mean?  You ought to step up and parent your child.  Your child didn't choose his or her parents, so without assigning too much blame to either parent, it makes sense for you to step up to fill the gaps.  Not quite what you signed up for, but your child needs you.

If you are to present the best face, should you ever actually end up in family court as she's sometimes threatened, it is vital that you take care of your mental health and perspective.  Any suicidal comments, best to express them to your counselor... your ex/spouse probably would just make matters worse, right?

Question... do you feel that you yourself are suicidal or is it that the situations with your ex/spouse trigger such comments?  Answering that should help you accept that such feelings (or remarks) are situational and not an aspect of your core self.

[EZEarache]

It's definitely situational. My interactions with her are what make me depressed. I don't want to get in fights, I do my best to try to avoid them. Once the fight starts, I am powerless to stop it without leaving the situation. At which point I am often ridiculed for running away.

As far as who is the more stable parent, I really can't say. Right now, to be honest, in my opinion she seems to be better. She's a great mother, so far. I would not say otherwise. However, what happens when our baby starts to defy her wishes, remains to be seen.

[ForeverDad]

She's a great mother, so far... However, what happens when our baby starts to defy her wishes, remains to be seen.

You've already started seeing the cracks in her parenting.  It adds stress to her parenting, sometimes she can't handle it, and it won't get better.  (That would require her to seek out and diligently apply therapy but many people with acting-out PDs are in Denial and intense Blame Shifting.)  It will get worse as your child starts to grow, mature and seek increasing independence as all children do over the years.