What are the consequences of breaking No Contact?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all

My ex uBPDgf left me in March very suddenly and extremely unpleasantly. There was nasty communication between us until the end of April, with the final message being sent in early May.

I had maintained no contact, with the exception of one email in June in which I explained at great length what my perception of our relationship was. I ended the 1000 word email saying that I believe that there is a chance she may have BPD. I told her at the start to not reply to the email, and she didn't.

Going no contact was the hardest things I've ever done, requiring medication and therapy over the past few months.

Anyway, no contact was maintained for about 2/3 months, and then on Sunday morning I snapped and sent her a short email saying:

"Hey, how are you? With all the things we did together over the years, can be amicable now that some time has past?"

I instantly regretted sending it and dreaded seeing her name pop up on my phone, however to my absolute shock she responded with "Hey, I've been thinking about you a lot recently. How are you?".

What followed was a complete change from the messages from a few months ago which were all along the lines of "I HATE you more than I ever loved you", ":)on't ever contact me again, you MONSTER!". Etc.

She told me that she had been seeing someone for a bit but left him because she wasn't emotionally over me and was hurting inside, and that he was very sweet "but who wants sweet?". She told me that she will ALWAYS love me, and that she missed me terribly. She also said that she had read my email in June and that she agreed with a lot (not all) of it, and that she wanted to respond and was going to. She EVEN apologised "from the bottom of her heart" for the things she had said and done. She also said that she had to leave me for the protection of her own heart.

She added that she is terrified of ever loving someone like she loved me again, and would rather be with someone she loves less to save her from the emotional distress and pain. I said the same of me.

She then asked whether we should meet up and asked me what I would say if she asked me if we can get back together. I said no to both.

Without going on into more detail, those messages were on Monday, and then on Tuesday night she flipped out, messaging me out of the blue saying that she would never forgive me for laughing at her behind her back (which I've never done *rolls eyes*), and that if I loved her then it wasn't the type of love she wanted. I left it and went to sleep. The next day she sent a few more nasty emails and then changed again and apologised, and said that she would love me for ever again.

We then agreed to go back to no contact.

This has left me wondering that if that was true, THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

The truth is, I would NEVER have left her. I couldn't. I was so attached to her. But I knew, we both knew, that it was so toxic. We would fight all the time, and there were extremely unpleasant things that she did and said, and I knew I could NEVER be with her forever because of them, but I just couldn't leave. I still want it to work with her so badly, but obviously either she is more logical than me, or just says those things in the moment (something which I asked her, and she said she didn't and that she meant them).

Anyway, this has done two things. 1, made me feel better about the whole thing because she left me telling me the complete reverse, and left me feeling so crap about my life and believing that she had no feelings for me AT ALL (apart from hatred), and 2, reminded me just how unstable she is emotionally.

As a result, whilst I feel better, I feel strongly compelled to want to see her again (which I won't), and I feel like I have not reset, but taken a step backwards in getting over her. I know that if I ever saw her I would be so vulnerable, and I don't think my heart could take it.

Ultimately, I am much happier knowing that she isn't having this amazing time that she left me believing, and hearing that she still loves me. But it has rebonded some of the old attachments I'd worked so hard to break.


Can anyone let me know about their experiences of breaking no contact, and I'd be interested in hearing both Good and Bad experiences.

Any comments on what you think she is actually thinking are also welcome.

Thanks
Elmurr

[Elmurr]

Hi all

My ex uBPDgf left me in March very suddenly and extremely unpleasantly. There was nasty communication between us until the end of April, with the final message being sent in early May.

I had maintained no contact, with the exception of one email in June in which I explained at great length what my perception of our relationship was. I ended the 1000 word email saying that I believe that there is a chance she may have BPD. I told her at the start to not reply to the email, and she didn't.

Going no contact was the hardest things I've ever done, requiring medication and therapy over the past few months.

Anyway, no contact was maintained for about 2/3 months, and then on Sunday morning I snapped and sent her a short email saying:

"Hey, how are you? With all the things we did together over the years, can be amicable now that some time has past?"

I instantly regretted sending it and dreaded seeing her name pop up on my phone, however to my absolute shock she responded with "Hey, I've been thinking about you a lot recently. How are you?".

What followed was a complete change from the messages from a few months ago which were all along the lines of "I HATE you more than I ever loved you", ":)on't ever contact me again, you MONSTER!". Etc.

She told me that she had been seeing someone for a bit but left him because she wasn't emotionally over me and was hurting inside, and that he was very sweet "but who wants sweet?". She told me that she will ALWAYS love me, and that she missed me terribly. She also said that she had read my email in June and that she agreed with a lot (not all) of it, and that she wanted to respond and was going to. She EVEN apologised "from the bottom of her heart" for the things she had said and done. She also said that she had to leave me for the protection of her own heart.

She added that she is terrified of ever loving someone like she loved me again, and would rather be with someone she loves less to save her from the emotional distress and pain. I said the same of me.

She then asked whether we should meet up and asked me what I would say if she asked me if we can get back together. I said no to both.

Without going on into more detail, those messages were on Monday, and then on Tuesday night she flipped out, messaging me out of the blue saying that she would never forgive me for laughing at her behind her back (which I've never done *rolls eyes*), and that if I loved her then it wasn't the type of love she wanted. I left it and went to sleep. The next day she sent a few more nasty emails and then changed again and apologised, and said that she would love me for ever again.

We then agreed to go back to no contact.

This has left me wondering that if that was true, THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

The truth is, I would NEVER have left her. I couldn't. I was so attached to her. But I knew, we both knew, that it was so toxic. We would fight all the time, and there were extremely unpleasant things that she did and said, and I knew I could NEVER be with her forever because of them, but I just couldn't leave. I still want it to work with her so badly, but obviously either she is more logical than me, or just says those things in the moment (something which I asked her, and she said she didn't and that she meant them).

Anyway, this has done two things. 1, made me feel better about the whole thing because she left me telling me the complete reverse, and left me feeling so crap about my life and believing that she had no feelings for me AT ALL (apart from hatred), and 2, reminded me just how unstable she is emotionally.

As a result, whilst I feel better, I feel strongly compelled to want to see her again (which I won't), and I feel like I have not reset, but taken a step backwards in getting over her. I know that if I ever saw her I would be so vulnerable, and I don't think my heart could take it.

Ultimately, I am much happier knowing that she isn't having this amazing time that she left me believing, and hearing that she still loves me. But it has rebonded some of the old attachments I'd worked so hard to break.


Can anyone let me know about their experiences of breaking no contact, and I'd be interested in hearing both Good and Bad experiences.

Any comments on what you think she is actually thinking are also welcome.

Thanks
Elmurr

[Skip]

In short, you contacted 60 days out after and angry breakup to be "amicable" (which is typically a probe for reconnecting). She apologized for her part in the breakup and inquired about getting back together. You said "no". She was hurt and responded by lashing out.

Any comments on what you think she is actually thinking are also welcome.

Rejection is a very painful thing, so she is probably gong through the same complex emotions you went through when she broke up with you.

What are the consequences of breaking No Contact?

Can you clarify what you mean? Consequences to the future or your relationship? Consequences to her feelings about you? Consequences to your detachment and moving on?

[Elmurr]

She didn't respond immediately by lashing out. Her initial response was that she agreed that not meeting up or getting back together was for the best. It was only a few hours later, I suspect after she'd been out drinking, that she went to being aggressive again. She said that it was easier for her to hate me than to regret leaving me and being amicable.

This is why I think she got aggressive again; to push me to be nasty back so that she could hate me again and not regret it and believe that she was right to do what she did.

By the consequences of breaking no contact I mean all of those things: what have people experienced when they have broken no contact in terms of the effect on moving on, is a positive outcome ever possible, or is it always just another return to the make up / break up routine and ultimately more emotional anguish.

I fully agree no contact is best, but when the weak moments do happen, as they often do, what have people experienced.

[Skip]

She said that it was easier for her to hate me than to regret leaving me and being amicable.

This sounds very honest. She reached out, you rejected, it hurt. She is telling you that rather than be crushed by feelings of loss and grief, she feels safer and more in control by being angry at you. This is not the healthiest thing, but many people do it, including many members here. When someone fears sucombing to feelings or rejection, anger can be a protector for those feelings.

This is why I think she got aggressive again; to push me to be nasty back so that she could hate me again and not regret it and believe that she was right to do what she did.

is a positive outcome ever possible, or is it always just another return to the make up / break up routine and ultimately more emotional anguish.

These things are not one-size-fits-all. It really depends on a number of factors - how volatile both of you are, how well you solve problems, etc. It sounds like you have been struggling for a while. This last contact episode sounds very "broken" and ended in a bad place. THe relationship are not going to change unless one or both or you start doing something radically different.

By the consequences of breaking no contact in terms of the effect on moving on

It's a non - issue. Sometimes having contact, like you just had, helps to clarify things in everyone's mind. You seem clearer now - less anxious.

When it comes to moving on, it's not about "no-contact", its about emotional detachment. No-contact can help start that process, but its more about rationalizing your emotions and logic and letting go. That is mostly an internal, mind, exercise.

The exchange the two of you had is pretty damaging  - yet, you don't sound sure of yourself that you thinks it should be over.  What are your thoughts/feeling about this?

[HopinAndPrayin]

To oversimply it, the result of breaking NC can be that your attachment system gets reactivated, then your system gets flooded with oxytocin, the bonding chemical, and your ability to have healthy distance from which to observe the situation can be compromised.

Practically speaking, breaking NC with someone who has not dedicated themselves to recovery from BPD will inevitably result in the return of the push/pull and emotional abuse.

From my experience, I have a waif BPD mother, a hermit soon-to-be xBPD, and two sisters with BPD/NPD, breaking NC results in more of your life spent in a relationship that lacks reciprocity.  From many of these posts, I see many of us struggling with the pwBPD saying they love us.  The pwBPD may truly believe it is love, but for someone without BPD, the range of emotions, maturity, and reciprocity that non can experience isn't there in the pwBPD.  We project our own world view and emotional world into the pwBPD, and because they lack a sense of self, our projection "sticks".  When it comes to the pwBPD saying "love," I am often reminded of The Princess Bride, "you keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means."

[Bushes]

No contact has been the most difficult thing I can remember. I too just received a short email from my dBPD ex a week ago. Saying how she knows I don't care but a gift I had given her makes her feel better sometimes. I haven't replied despite the occasional temptation. The main thing that keeps me in the NC program is remembering and allowing myself to feel the disappointment and embrace the anger as to the cruelty and unacceptable behaviour. I was forced to end the relationship and remembering in detail the reasons why that I'm sure you are very familiar with and allowing myself to feel how I felt when I ended it helps immensely. And remember the communication normally comes from a triangulation perspective or even just boredom. You deserve a healthy relationship as we all do. Don't settle for less.

[Elmurr]

Great replies HopinAndPrayin and Bushes. A week has past since the initial contact and it has definitely made things worse. I've certainly gone backwards in my recovery. As you say HopinAndPrayin, the same oxytocin release has occurred and the obsessive thoughts have come back. I got drunk on Saturday and ended up calling her mum for 25 minutes - literally THE worst idea ever. Whilst her mum is absolutely lovely, she is definitely not. She went crazy about me having done that, which I can't blame her for. And even before that, it was already back to the "I love you" one minute, and then a few hours later "that was a moment of weakness, I don't want to ever hear from you again". Needless to say it is an emotional rollercoaster that is just better not to get back on.

It went straight back to the way it was a few months ago. For years she was obsessed with me. Threatening suicide 10 times or more, lying about pregnancies, lying about having cancer, all just to keep me around. Basically never letting me go, and then when she was ready she just completely switched off. Almost over night. Painting black is the term. And that was it. Nothing was reciprocated. Every attempt she'd made in the past to keep me was just so that I didn't leave her. Her ability to switch off is truly terrifying. It is like she never cared at all. Like we never existed together. Nothing phases her anymore, and she couldn't care less. It's a painful, and emotionally traumatising experience that is best avoided at all costs.

Don't think things will be different. They won't. It's the same person, with the same intention of making you hurt as much as possible. Any time they tell you they love you is simply to make you hurt more about them leaving you. It's your fault they did it, and you need to be reminded of the love that you've lost because of how much of a failure you are.

As you say Bushes, it's straight back to the triangulation, this time on both sides I'm ashamed to say. But as I say, nothing works now. She couldn't care less, and that's a bitter pill to swallow.

Never contact them. If they contact you, delete it without reading it. It will send you plummeting back to where you were at the end of the relationship.

[Elmurr]

Something worth mentioning is that the ONLY reason they will break contact with you is to see whether or not they still have control over you. Whether or not you still want them. They have no intention of rekindling things. They just want to check that supply is still there if they need it. Don't give them that satisfaction. They will never acknowledge the pain the put others through. They are the victims of you, remember?

She asked me again about getting back together, and I didn't say no. I made suggestions. And her response was simply, "no, I don't think so". Wah? You just asked me! They already know the answer. It's a game to them now, if you reach this stage. Don't play along.

[Elmurr]

That being said, there were some good things that came from it. She told me she "loved" me and that she always will, which it is a choice to believe or not. I have chosen to believe it, though it is hard. She also put some seriously ego-damaging worries to rest that she had instilled in me when she cut me out.

The last time I saw her she told me, "I stopped wanted to have sex with you and then I knew". That wounded me, and yesterday she told me "I never stopped fancying you, and I never stopped wanted to have sex with you, and if I did it was because a lot of time had past and it wasn't as strong anymore, and that we were breaking up and I needed to say things to end it". That helps a bit. Though the reason is more likely because she was having sex with a number of other men and getting her fill elsewhere.

She also put my mind at ease about some other things I was worried about and obsessing over. Narcissistic maybe, but none the less it's helpful to have your worries put to rest.

But in doing so, she reminded me how nasty she is with some of the things she said, and that too reminded me what a toxic person she it. She loves a capitalised swear word!

But ultimately, it leaves you just as emotional as you were before, no matter what they say. The only positive outcome in your head is that they will want you again. And they won't. It reopens old wounds that were well on their way to healing. Time to start again, but not quite from the start.

[McBerry]

Hello Elmurr,

Thank you for your posts. How is the situation now with your ex wBPD? Some years have passed and I was wondering how you look back at it now.