NPD sister and her revenge

[zachira]

My sister with NPD is very much consumed with getting revenge. She now has a high profile legal firm on my case, and it looks like we will be going head to head soon and I stand to spend many thousands of dollars on legal fees. All of this is totally unnecessary, yet she has the means and right lawyers to really get me to spend some big money for what is just a plain frivolous family feud. At first, I was depressed and crying. Now I am doing my research to hire the best lawyer possible. I am starting to feel some relief, no matter the outcome, knowing in the coming months, I will be severing my ties with my sister and all the toxic abusive immediate and extended family members who have BPD and/or NPD and their enablers. I am really looking forward to having my own life, without being constantly abused, never knowing what is coming next. I am kind of surprised after the several week depression has started to wear off, that I am anticipating feeling relief, and the money I spend on legal fees will bring an ending to being tortured by my sister, other family members, and their enablers ever since I was born. There are six generations of golden children scape goated children in my father's family and I don't know how many generations of this toxic family dynamic in my mother's family. How has going NC with your family members given you much needed relief despite all the pain experienced when you were still a target of their abuses?

[Turkish]

I haven't been here much, but what the.?. What is she going after you for that you need to hire a lawyer?

[zachira]

selling of jointly owned property

[Turkish]

I sorry you're going through that. Mental illness and/or greed seems to arise when parents pass, in too many cases. I was amazed that a coworker and friend was able to split a $1M home between her and her 4 siblings with no drama. Some of the trust went to other relatives, but they did it successfully. I have other friends with bad stories and greed. What's wrong with some people?

It seems like this isn't necessarily about money, but control, yes?

[Notwendy]

I haven't gone NC but I do think it's good to stand up for yourself.

To a point though. When it comes to property that has significant value, then I think it's important to stand up for what belongs to you.

For lesser value, I consider the time, aggravation, and money spent in the balance.

I think our feelings are a good guide. You feel good about it and less depressed. That tells you a lot.

If families actually could behave reasonable with such situation, there'd be no need to lawyers and a will. I think Turkish is correct that there's more to it than finances. Control, and other emotions.

With siblings I think there tends to be a "I was the favorite" competition or a sense of entitlement. I have seen families where siblings come in and take all kinds of things, even things of non value- because they feel entitled to it, not thinking someone else may want something too. Zachira, I think that's what's driving your sister, pure narcisism, feels she's entitled to it.

Glad to see you stand up for yourself and feeling better about it.

[zachira]

Turkish,
Thank you for understanding, and indeed, it all about my sister having to control everything. Since we were children, my sister has run a vicious smear campaign behind my back, while pretending to be nice when we were together, and always jealous for any positve attention I received. A few years ago, my sister and I went to visit some cousins we had not seen much of since early childhood. My sister blew up three times while we were there. At one point my cousin, had to take my sister out of the room so I could talk to his wife. Then I caught my sister telling my cousin's wife how we had to leave right away because of all the demands I was placing on her. (She could not handle that she was not getting the usual favorable treatment she receives from the other side of the family. I had always wondered why people who once liked me, with whom nothing really negative had happened, suddenly did not like me. I finally realized, my sister had been running a smear campaign against me since childhood.) The third time, my sister blew up was when I expressed sadness about some tragic losses of children in their family.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Yes, it is pure narcissism on the part of my sister. When I finally figured out my sister was a covert narcissist with NPD, I was heartbroken and still am. I love my sister, and she will never love me. We both come from the same dysfunctional family.
I have no choice but to deal with the joint property issues as my sister continues to escalate the abuse of me, and now she has me involved in some difficult legal proceedings that she will win by default if I do not appear for the proceedings. I gave up going to my mother's house for the holidays because of how afraid I was of what could happen. My brother later told me he was planning to accuse me of elder abuse. Then, I let my siblings have all of my mother's things.I so wish, we did not own a few not very valuable properties together.
I am very stressed while going back and forth between being overwhelmed with my emotions to feeling a sense of relief that the worst of what could happen will likely be over by the end of the summer.
Thank you for your compassion and understanding.

[GaGrl]

My friend's father is still trying to work through settlement of his mother's estate, which was supposed to be a four-way even split among the four brothers -- five years later! One of the brothers had a joint checking account with his mother, and he took advantage of the situation. The judge already ruled that he had to pay certain funds back to the estate. The same brother submitted 27 pages of receipts that he felt he should be reimbursed from the sale of the house -- the judge allowed only his payment of property taxes. I think judges see far too much sibling dysfunction when it comes to probate and estate settlement.

Zachira, does your sister know that you are aware she has played loose with the property account? Has she reimbursed the account?

[zachira]

GaGrl,
I have emailed my sister and the accountant several times about the money she has stolen from the accounts. Her story continues to change and she refuses to provide any receipts. The accountant still wants to deduct these unaccounted expenses on the taxes, and I have said no. I do not want to participate in fraud, and have no receipts for expenses. Because my sister and I have a business together and the state the business is in, we are subject to the most heinous state and IRS penalties imaginable if in an audit we cannot prove that what has been declared is legitimate.
I am trying to hire a lawyer. So far, the lawyers want thousands of dollars which will be nonrefundable even if the case is settled ahead of time. I am now paying for legal advice from different lawyers, and will eventually hire one, if I can find one that will put my best interests first. Otherwise, I will represent myself, which I believe I can acquire the tools to do so, having done legal research and taken law classes in the past, and because the current dispute is absolutely ridiculous, and should never have gone to this level. The problem with my sister is she never compromises unless she is manipulating someone to be on her side, and she takes revenge on anybody that does not do exactly what she wants.
I hope all the enmeshment of financial and legal interests with my sister (and brother) are settled sooner rather than later.
I appreciate your support and thoughts.

[Turkish]

Because my sister and I have a business together and the state the business is in, we are subject to the most heinous state and IRS penalties imaginable if in an audit we cannot prove that what has been declared is legitimate.

Given this, you can't walk away even if you wanted to. Horrible.

[zachira]

Turkish,
Thank you for understanding how trapped I feel. I am working on staying positive most of the time while being proactive about the things I need to do to end the financial business relationship with my sister. I have grown and matured in so many ways, and I would have walked away a long time ago from my siblings or distanced myself considerably if not for how enmeshed we are legally.

[Mommydoc]

  I am anticipating feeling relief, and the money I spend on legal fees will bring an ending to being tortured by my sister, other family members, and their enablers ever since I was born

I see a lot of parallels in our situations.  My sister and I do not share a business, but we are co-trustees of our parents investments, including real estate. We don’t align on anything, and she is threatening legal action.  I am beginning to think the only solution may be to walk away when my mother passes away.  So sorry your situation has reached this level of intensity.  I think we have both reached a level of acceptance of the circumstances that allows us to manage through some very adverse circumstances.  Let’s stay in touch.  I think we can learn from each other as we forge our path forward.

[Methuen]

I am saddened by the continuing distress this shared property is causing due to vengeful sibling behavior.  Your sister must be filled with a cesspool of negativity of self to treat you like that.  I truly believe that only miserable people who hate themselves can be so horrid to others. When the legal matters are behind you, this community will celebrate with you Zachira.   

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
I also see a lot of parallels in our situations. I had wanted to say much more in your thread and felt it would be inappropriate that you were not quite ready to accept that maybe at some point you would no longer have a relationship with your sister.
I could write a book on how my brother and sister abused my mother in her last years and did not follow the will. They also tried to take control when my kind caring brother was dying and after his death.
I don't think you can anticipate just how bad things could get between you and your sister when your mother dies. Past behaviors are excellent predictors of the future. What is missing is not being able to outthink a high conflict person when you are a normal person trying to solve the problems not make them worse.
Let's keep in touch. I do agree we have a lot to learn from each other. I certainly am so grateful to many members on PSI for their support and understanding that only those who have similar family members and challenges can understand.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am continually reminding myself that only a person who feels the need to cover up how terrible they feel inside could behave the way my sister does. I am her prime target, being the only sister and close to her in age. My sister is supported in her takedown of me by the large extended family and friends who also make certain children lifelong scapegoats while choosing other children to be the golden child who can do no wrong. I used to feel so ashamed of all my failures in life. Now I give myself credit for surviving. I think there are many family scapegoats who commit suicide. I am proud of all that I have accomplished and the person I have become under some of the most painful difficult personal challenges. I am working hard to never treat others the way my family has treated me and to learn how to have healthy relationships, and it is paying off as I am making more friends who are kind decent people. I still have to be on guard as I still am a magnet, though less of one, for narcissists and other unsafe people. I regularly look on facebook at pictures of my sister. She never is able to genuinly smile. Her emotions are shallow, and it seems like she is on the verge of a meltdown at any moment.
I am looking forward to celebrating with you and others on PSI when this latest conflict is resolved. This is likely the worst of the conflicts. I am trying to figure out how I will totally stay off my sister's radar in the future. As long as I am around, she will be consumed with revenge. Selling the rest of the properties owned with my siblings and going NC with the rest of the family and their enablers will likely help me to fade into the background, while my sister seeks new targets to dump her toxic anger on.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, your kindness, and your understanding.
It is the members on PSI who have supported me in my darkest hours and given me hope.

[Mommydoc]

Zachira, I am so sorry that you are going through this and admire your strength of character and fortitude as you face this horrific circumstance with you sister. You don’t deserve this but how you are managing through it is inspiring.  I am so glad that this community exists and that we can both seek and provide support. It is so helpful to realize we are not alone in this experience.

I don't think you can anticipate just how bad things could get between you and your sister when your mother dies. Past behaviors are excellent predictors of the future. What is missing is not being able to outthink a high conflict person when you are a normal person trying to solve the problems not make them worse.

You are right, I can’t imagine.  They were pretty horrible after my father died and I expect it to be much worse with my mother, but it is hard to even think about.   I do realize that my sister  is completely irrational and disordered in her thinking and I am abandoning the idea or treating her like a normal rational person.  Your story serves as a poignant reminder of how bad it can become. 

 I just finished the book Emotional Blackmail and have adopted the mantra from the book “ I can stand this”, which can be expand to this entire community:   “ We can stand this”. I celebrate and am grateful to the strength this community provides to help us each face and conquer our individual challenges.  We will get through this. 

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
Yes, we will get through this. I admire how you are doing everything to treat your sister with decency and respect, while trying to do everything you can to protect your mother.
What I find key to remember, is that going low contact or no contact with a close family member, is not like ending a friendship or getting a divorce. I realize I will love my close family members until the day I die even though it will be unsafe to have contact with them for the rest of my life. I very much miss my one kind sibling who was generous and kind to me even though I wasn't always nice to him. He passed away several years ago. Having to protect yourself from the family members you love who are unable to love you back is a life long tragedy that we need to grieve now and get to a place in which we are not so overwhelmed by the sorrow yet take the time to grieve when we need to as we go through life.
I feel you really understand the situation with my sister. I am so hoping that you will able to legally protect yourself and your mother, and you will not have to go through having sibling abuse of your elderly mother, endless painful drama after your mother dies including the settling of her estate, and then ongoing legal problems for years after your mother has passed like I have had to do.

[Drtakjh]

Since my BPD is a sister too I can empathize a bit. But yours is so much more toxic and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can use the love you say you have for her to detach with kindness. In your story I think I can see between the lines some intense jealousy which probably operates in our case too. So sorry for your pain and I hope that justice prevails in your legal case.

[zachira]

Drtakjh,
Thank you for your kindness and understanding.
I am working on living day by day while continuing to do what I can so my sister just doesn't walk all over me. I have had many years of therapy, and am doing pretty well keeping the depression and learned helplessness at bay. I am becoming much more proactive in taking the steps to resolve my legal issues and end my relationship with my sister, while feeling empowered as a I tackle the life long challenges of having a sister with NPD who is enabled in abusing me by her sychophant husband, a large army of family members and friends. If nobody supported my sister, she would not get away with what she does. I am accepting that most of the people who enable her, are like her in many ways: narcissistic and impaired in being able to have genuine caring close relationships.
I am sad you have to deal with a sister with BPD. My sister clearly fits the description of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not sure if she has been diagnosed by a qualified professional.

[Drtakjh]

I am nothing but impressed by your strength. If there was no one on my side it would be so much worse. The financial and legal stress must also be truly awful. It is good to talk to people who know the creepy, baffling, insidious nature of this disorder. It is hard to explain to people who have not experienced it. Good for you for all the therapy and work to gain the skills you need to get through!

[missing NC]

My heart goes out to you, Zachira.  I wish I could convey virtual presence and support through text, but I'm not sure how to do that.  In regards the last line of your initial post, my brother and I are NC with our sister for our safety.  Wishing you strength moving forward and equanimity once you get to the other side. 

[Mommydoc]

I realize I will love my close family members until the day I die even though it will be unsafe to have contact with them for the rest of my life. I very much miss my one kind sibling who was generous and kind to me even though I wasn't always nice to him. He passed away several years ago.

Zachira, I have been thinking about you all week and can only imagine the pain and loneliness of losing the only family member who was functional and caring towards you.  I, too, deeply love my sister, but am coming to the place where you are.   Loving ourselves sometimes means letting go of relationships with loved ones who don’t treat us in a loving way.

 Take care of yourself, and thank you for all the kindness and support you share here.