Studies that found estrangement is more common than people realize

[Depression = 72% of members]

Whenever I start to doubt my decision(s) of no contact, I read an article such as this one and say to myself "ah ha!"

It might not be common, but it's more common than people know to be estranged from one's family, and especially one's mother.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201805/10-effects-separating-toxic-mother

While I get there's a real societal slant to not disconnect from one's family, and my brother even reminded me of it yesterday (he texted me after Mother's day), I'm happy to know that a lot of people do so.  No, it's not spoken of, but it's real.

b

[beatricex]

Whenever I start to doubt my decision(s) of no contact, I read an article such as this one and say to myself "ah ha!"

It might not be common, but it's more common than people know to be estranged from one's family, and especially one's mother.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201805/10-effects-separating-toxic-mother

While I get there's a real societal slant to not disconnect from one's family, and my brother even reminded me of it yesterday (he texted me after Mother's day), I'm happy to know that a lot of people do so.  No, it's not spoken of, but it's real.

b

[Methuen]

What an important and excellent link for this board beatricex.  This resource is so helpful for validating and supporting people who have, or have had, any level of estrangement in their life. 

[zachira]

Beatricix,
Thank you for the link to such an important article. I hope we can add this article to our library of articles on this site.
I am dealing with eventually estranging myself from my immediate and large extended family once my legal issues are resolved with them. The author of this article really understands that estrangement from close biological relatives is a life long sorrow, knows about the tools to heal, and is on top of how family estrangement is so misunderstood by most people that they invalidate the person who is going no contact with their family instead of supporting them.

[Clouds46]

This article spoke directly to my experiences.

I wish we could normalize respecting people's right to stop subjecting themselves to toxic behavior, even when it is coming from a family member.  Instead, the societal norm seems to be bullying and pressuring people into resuming the status quo at any cost to themselves.  It's hard not to take it personally when it seems like people care more about how things look than what the relationship is doing to you and what you have had to endure.  It's also triggering and isolating to feel like your character is constantly being indicted for how you've chosen to respond to abusive treatment, especially after a lifetime of being smeared, maligned, and discredited by a BPD parent.

Of course though, I feel that having a BPD relative involves so many complex layers of dysfunction, control, and trauma that it is hard for outsiders to even begin to grasp.  Nonetheless, I find myself wishing others would afford me the consideration and dignity of recognizing that they have not walked in my shoes and that I am just trying to make the best decisions I can for my health and that of my nuclear family.

Thanks very much for sharing beatricex.

[billydylan]

Thanks for sharing this article.  I'm considering this option right now, to distance from my family. 

It sounds that for some of you, this was the right decision.  May I ask, how did you know this was the right decision for you?

[Notwendy]

I didn't go NC but that article still seemed to apply to me in many ways. Our culture finds it abnormal that we have any issues with our BPD mothers and tends to blame the daughter. I have been reluctant to share anything that has gone on between us as people can not relate and look at me as if there would have to be something wrong on my part for it.

I think the kind of love a mother has for a child is special- when it is there and many people have that kind of mother. But for those of us who don't have that kind of mother, it's not something we can relate to- and I guess not something other people who do have a loving mother can either.

They assume we are being petty over trivial things- like a sulking teen who didn't get a new dress or something. But like the article said- people don't go NC on impulse, it's a long and difficult process to get to that choice. Neither do we decide our relationships are "not the normal" impulsively. I have tried for decades to have a good one, assuming my mother could be loving to me if only I did better until I was able to conclude she can not be, not because of me or anything I did or didn't do, but because she isn't able to.

Going NC and trying to maintain contact with other family members is difficult. The article mentions "self orphaning" but so was deciding to have boundaries with my mother and not pretent all was normal and tolerating her abusive behavior. The ticket to acceptance in my family was going along with it and when I didn't, they assumed it was my fault. She has convinced them of that as well.

Even though I have contact with my mother and her family, I realized I am NC to them, because the person they see isn't me. To my BPD mother, what she sees is her projections, whatever she's feeling. To her FOO, what they see is what she has told them. I can't even address the lies she has told them as it would play right into the "horrible daughter" scenario they have heard. So even if I speak to them, or see them, it's as if I had just met them and am being polite.

I didn't choose to go NC with my mother as I didn't feel it was the best decision for me personally, but I understand that for some people, it is. I am more LC, after eventually realizing that trying for more is futile and mainly would lead to her being more emotionally abusive.

[Mommydoc]

Whenever I start to doubt my decision(s) of no contact, I read an article such as this one and say to myself "ah ha!"

Thank you beatricex for this link. It is very helpful. I can’t go NC at this point, but realize it is  likely the path forward. I understand the associated self doubt and judgement from others. This thread creates clarity around the conflicting emotions and how NC is a healthy choice in many circumstances.

The ticket to acceptance in my family was going along with it and when I didn't, they assumed it was my fault. She has convinced them of that as well. Even though I have contact with my mother and her family, I realized I am NC to them, because the person they see isn't me. To my BPD mother, what she sees is her projections, whatever she's feeling.

Notwendy, your comments are so insightful. The pressure to go along and the blame experienced when you don’t, often guides us away from an authentic path for ourselves.  I have realized that one of my greatest struggles with my uBPD sibling is the inability to be myself, and the discrepancy between how she sees me and how I see myself. Her projections, her feelings always dominate and completely overshadow everything else.  It leaves no light for anyone else.

We each deserve to live in an environment, without judgement, that allows us to be our authentic self. I have been exploring the idea of “chosen family”, those people who I choose to have in my life, who help me create that environment.  By making my “chosen” family central and prioritizing them , it has allowed me to create an emotional distance with my uBPD sibling.  Hopefully that will make it easier when I eventually go full NC. 

[Notwendy]

Mommydoc,

When my father died, it became clear who my "family" was. I realized he was the glue that held some of us together.

My BPD mother was angry at me at the time ( for not going along with some things and having boundaries) and so she painted me black to her side of the family and also some family friends. Now the interesting part is that she also told them not to speak to me. I don't know what reason she gave them for that- and they complied. It was shocking and hurtful and so strange considering the timing. My father had just died. Not a word of condolence or anything.

This was a potential opportunity to be NC with all of them, but it just didn't seem right to me to go NC with my mother. It was actually freeing to be able to make this choice one way or the other and I just didn't feel OK with NC with her. She still communicates with me. I don't think she has feelings for me though.

At some point she got over her anger at me. It was an embarrassment to her that I was not in contact with her family/friends and so she then "allowed" them to make contact with me. I am cordial and polite to them but not close.

Who was supportive when my father died? His extended family and some friends. I know who my "family" is.

I think people who are not in this situation assume that estrangement/NC means cutting off a relationship. Rather, I think it's that there isn't a relationship in the first place, and estrangement  is a realization of that in addition to the realization that it's not possible to change that. I don't think I chose to be estranged from my mother when my father died. I think it's been that way for her all along and it was my attachment to him that was a large basis for the relationship. Estrangement was not my choice ever, I would love to have had a close relationship with my mother, but this isn't possible due to her emotional/mental condition. I don't think it's a choice any of us would make if we actually had that choice.

[zachira]

Just started reading: "Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement" by Harriet Brown. She really gets what it feels like to have a mother who is emotionally unavailable to her daughter.

[Imatter33]

The author of the article, Peg  Streep has a book called Daughter Detox. I found it available on my public library app and is an audio book. I want to be able to get through more books on the subject of NC because it does feel like we are all alone.


BUT it's not the case!

[alphabeta]

Thanks for sharing the article.   A lot of it resonated with me. 

I've had limited contact with my mother for three years (just simple communication via text/sms and written notes.

As the only child of a divorced mother, I've experienced a lot of shaming and estrangement from family and friends.  My wife says that they probably see me as a rebel who doesn't play by their rules.

This has been quite difficult and I feel quite lonely at times.

However, when I stop to think about the emotional and physical abuse I (and my wife and son) experienced for years around my ubpd mother, I feel a sense of freedom, which is special.

My therapist thinks I am creating a better future for my son via estrangement, because the toxicity in my family lineage is being broken.