Son married a woman with BPD

[DSMom]

Hello all,

My son married a woman who I believe has BPD. I am a mental health RN with 11 yrs of experience. I'm no psychologist but I'm pretty sure she has some sort of personality disorder. She told some lies and had some secrets that were pretty big whoppers from the start. My son and daughter have always been close and my daughter saw red flags. She told my son to beware and would give him warnings and strong opinions in private texts exclaiming her opinion that this woman was trouble.

Fast forward about two years. They have been married for a year and a half. She has two young children (one of the early secrets). She isn't physically abusive that I am aware of but is quite neglectful, especially emotionally. She has estranged them from their father for suspected abuse.
She is using Illegal pharmaceutical opiates and benzodiazepines that she buys online from India for her Interstitial Cystitis. She has only seen a doctor once and didn't go back because he would not give her the medications that work for her.
She became pregnant early before they were married after my son made it clear that he did not want children. He had a vasectomy and then she lost the baby. The grief that she felt from that loss has not gotten better but only has worsened. She has been pressuring him to adopt her children and reverse his vasectomy relentlessly. I'm so afraid that they will produce a child that will be used as a pawn and take away attention from her already love starved children.
I suspect my son may have bipolar disorder. He was quite manic when he met her. He didn't want treatment cause, well, it feels pretty good to be manic sometimes. Now he is depressed and cannot fight against her rages, tantrums, and threats. He called his brother 5 months ago while she was in the bathroom threatening suicide with her revolver that she carries. Most of the time it is loaded in her car. We called the police and now our whole family has been forbidden to have contact with him.
She has taken over his social media accounts, emails, and cell phone. She sent us a picture of his phone ringing in her hand to give the message that she has his phone.
She has repeatedly attacked my daughter online through social media by creating fake accounts. She has created fake email addresses and sent my daughter and husband's bosses messages. She pretends that she is a friend of hers and wants to let the employer know what horrible employees that have by listing all the cruel things they said about her when they were trying to warn my son not to get involved. You see, she has gone back years and read every message between my son and anyone he might care about.
My son was about to get mental health treatment but she screamed at me over the phone during our conversation that she "would not let her husband turn into a zombie" and that was the end of that. He was so depressed the last time I saw his face, he was like a zombie already. Flat affect.
I'm so afraid that someone will overdose or get shot. I don't know if my son wants to be estranged from his family. We have only been able to talk to him through texts and most of the time I think it is her (pretending she is him) telling us to stop contacting them.
He is 31 years old and as she says,"He would call you if he wanted to." Maybe my son wants this relationship. Who knows. Even if he does, it will be years of hell. What if she talks him into having a baby? God help.
Day after day I think of calling the police, flying there, hiring a private detective. Lastly, just giving up and grieving the loss of my son.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome.

[DSMom]

Hello all,

My son married a woman who I believe has BPD. I am a mental health RN with 11 yrs of experience. I'm no psychologist but I'm pretty sure she has some sort of personality disorder. She told some lies and had some secrets that were pretty big whoppers from the start. My son and daughter have always been close and my daughter saw red flags. She told my son to beware and would give him warnings and strong opinions in private texts exclaiming her opinion that this woman was trouble.

Fast forward about two years. They have been married for a year and a half. She has two young children (one of the early secrets). Our family tried to embrace those children but my son and her pushed us away. She isn't physically abusive that I am aware of but is quite neglectful, especially emotionally. She has estranged them from their father for suspected abuse.
She is using Illegal pharmaceutical opiates and benzodiazepines that she buys online from India for her Interstitial Cystitis. She has only seen a doctor once and didn't go back because he would not give her the medications that work for her.
She became pregnant early before they were married after my son made it clear that he did not want children. He had a vasectomy and then she lost the baby. The grief that she felt from that loss has not gotten better but only has worsened. She has been pressuring him to adopt her children and reverse his vasectomy relentlessly. I'm so afraid that they will produce a child that will be used as a pawn for control. Another child would take away attention from the two children they already have that need her.
I suspect my son may have bipolar disorder. He was quite manic when he met her. He didn't want treatment cause it feels pretty good to be manic. Now he is depressed and cannot fight against her rages, tantrums, and threats. He called his brother 5 months ago while she was in the bathroom threatening suicide with her revolver that she carries. Most of the time it is loaded in her car. We called the police and now our whole family has been forbidden to have contact with him. She threatened suicide two times after that but my son never notified his brother again until after the fact.
She has taken over his social media accounts, emails, and cell phone. She sent us a video of his phone ringing in her hand to give the message that she has his phone.
She has repeatedly attacked my daughter online through social media by creating fake accounts. She has created fake email addresses and sent my daughter and husband's bosses messages. She pretends that she is a friend of hers and wants to let the employer know what horrible employees that have by listing all the cruel things they said about her when they were trying to warn my son not to get involved. She has gone back years and read every message between my son and anyone he might care about.
My son was about to get mental health treatment but she screamed at me over the phone during our conversation that she "would not let her husband turn into a zombie" and that was the end of that. He was so depressed the last time I saw his face, he was like a zombie already. Flat affect.
I'm so afraid that someone will overdose or get shot. I worry about the environment those kids live in. I don't know if my son wants to be estranged from his family. We have only been able to talk to him through texts and most of the time I think it is her (pretending she is him) telling us to stop contacting them.
He is 31 years old and as she says,"He would call you if he wanted to." Maybe my son wants this relationship. Who knows. Even if he does, it will be years of hell. What if she talks him into having a baby? God help.
Day after day I think of calling the police, flying there, hiring a private detective. Lastly, just giving up and grieving the loss of my son.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome.

[Notwendy]

This is truly a sad situation and unfortunately, from the posts on these boards, a common one. If you search the board on this topic, you will find several threads about this. Separation from family and friends is common, and the family members can be parents, siblings and adult children. For some reason it seems that when a man marries a BPD woman, the issues play out with female relatives.

I recently replied to this thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349004.0

I think the only decision one can make is to take care of yourself as much as you can. This may require your own counselor to deal with your feelings of loss and grief. In the case of abuse, it's hard to get intervention unless your son wants to press charges. I contacted adult social services with concerns about my elderly father, but he remained legally competent and unless he chose to disclose the situation, there was nothing I could really do.

If your son has a work address, you can do things like send a birthday card, or a note saying you are thinking about him. But assume anything you say/send to him will be shared with his wife, so it needs to be neutral and light hearted and with no strings attached like expecting him to reply or call. Anything via his phone, email, or sent to the home may be intercepted by his wife. By sending the cards, he knows you have not cut contact with him. He may or may not reply, but you know you have sent them.

The Karpman triangle helps explain these dynamics and ultimately the choice to get help or contact you is his.

[DSMom]

Notwendy,

Thank you for your reply and thoughts. I'm sorry about your situation as well. Loosing someone we love in this situation is so frustrating and hard. It seems you have lost both your mom and dad. By reading your advice, it seems you have come to terms the the people who might have been your support are just the opposite.
It it son hard to accept that the most dramatic and threatening person in the family has control. Especially when they are not able to make good decisions because of their impulsivity.
My son works from home. So, I am going to try to send occasional cards via certified mail. If she can still intercept them, she will.
Actually, she is gets so upset over the time he spends in his home office, his business will probably amount to nothing in another year or two.
It's so hard to know that his youth being spent in pain, misery, and isolation.
I found a book called, "Done with the crying." It is for mom's of estranged children. I bought it on Audible along with "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist".
I had a therapist that I talked to all last year. I have started seeing a new one. Both of these therapists are under 30 years old. I am a 50 year old psych nurse. I would prefer someone older with more experience but there is a shortage of therapists in the area. They are both sweet and validating. They have a fresh perspective and more thorough psychological education. I will keep seeing this new one. It will help some.

[Notwendy]

I had my father for a while. He passed away in his elder years. One of my struggles was how to come to terms with how the relationship was lost, and what I realized was that, he lost himself in it. I took it personally that he didn't stand up for me, but it wasn't about me. He didn't stand up for himself.

This is the trend for continuous appeasement, walking on eggshells, keeping the peace. His main focus was on my mother's wishes. I think it became his only focus.

It is upsetting to see that the most disordered  person's will takes precedence and so has control. However, I also had to understand that my mother has control because the other people in her circle allowed it.

I didn't lose a mother in the traditional sense. I have a biological mother but she's too disordered to be a mother. We have a relationship but it's emotionally distant on my part. She doesn't show much affection to me and I don't think we ever bonded like that. However, my father did parent me as a child and for that I am grateful. I was very attached to him.

I am glad you have found a supportive T. Take care of yourself. I am not sure certified mail would not make it worse. She might get triggered by it. He might sign it but she's right there to demand he give it to her without reading it. I would just send it, maybe with a typed address and no return address, or even better yet, get a PO box to send him mail under her radar. Put it in a business envelope. Make it look work related. She'd pick a greeting card out in an instance.

[Notwendy]

I think your book choices are good ones that explain the situation well.

[Xola]

Dear DSMom,

I can feel with you, only in my case I am in the role of your daughter, and my brother married a dBPD. It's tough. She had 2 children previously, and they have 2 very young children together. I am the evil driven away from my family (or it feels that way to me) because in the beginning (when they knew each other a few weeks) I spoke out to my brother about my concern for him in this relationship, unaware he was repeating everything I said to her. She tried to get to me not through face accounts, but through my brother and my father. It hurts they'd allow it and not display proper behaviour.

The pwBDP has (from my point of view, compared to before her appearance or my brother's exes) completely taken over the control in my family, except my grandparents and the family of my aunt. She always tells her sad family background story, which is quite sad, and instrumentalizes it. But a small comfort is perhaps, that if I am honestly reflecting, my brother maybe always had these tendencies he is showing now. In his case I think he is thriving under her influence. Maybe my brother got with her because he was too afraid to face life alone. He's had a series of 2 long bad relationships in a row, and then 1 week later this third one, which he immediately got engaged to.

I fear I don't really have advice, but I felt a connection with your situation when reading your post. The depression/mania of your son sounds very worrisome.

[Xola]

The gun combined with drugs sound to me even more threatening than the psychological health of your son.
I don't know what the opinion in this community is about anonymously alerting child care services, some people here probably have good insight. It could be an option to help the children, but I fear in such situations it would make things worse and not better, or spiral it even more out of control. I don't know if anonymity is even an option when doing that, you could provoke repercussions from your son's wife.
If the children are very young placing them with loving parents could still have a great effect.
But overall getting involved would put your health at risk.
Self care is the most important aspect mentioned here by Notwendy I believe.
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

My brother is the same age as your son and they also got married within 1 year of knowing each other. He still does have contact with our father and stepmom, so that's a good aspect, even if I think he's isolated. His wife's wishes are to have a family: husband, children, godparents to children and parents-in-law, forcefully if necessary, because she grew up without a family. For me it's scary when I consider your and other community members' experiences, what more could happen in the future.