What to do?

[Dadio]

After speaking with a therapist, she suspects my 24yo son has BPD, which explains a lot!

He blew up on me last summer and was throwing glass bottles at me and wanted to fight.
Things settled down and now he his mad again about the same issue (he was not invited to a family get-together because he was angry with me (from the above incident) & insulted my Aunt (very badly).

On this incident: 
He blew up my phone with very negative texts "I dont want anything to do with you until we talk about the aunt) & then he wanted to talk.
I left a message for him stating that his aunt was upset with him because of his insult & he might try to apologize.
That made him angry and he is slandering me on Facebook and calling relatives & talking bad about me.
After the first incident, we made up (he did not apologize) & we got along great, went skiing etc... I just found out that while we were having a great time, for 1 year he was telling my other son that he wanted to fight me & was mad?
I am blown away and feel that I cant trust him.
 
I would like to get our relationship back but do not know how to approach him on:
1) Slandering me to my relatives
2) Telling him that I didn't do anything wrong to start the rift with his aunt (he blames me by saying that I was talking smack about him to her) & that he needs to apologize to her.
3) How to set boundaries on trust, manipulation (slandering me to others about me in order to get me to cave-in), etc..
4) How how to build a bridge that also keeps me from getting trashed next time he is unhappy.

One last major item is:  He is now living with his mother that has the same symptoms and she is living with a heroin addict. They argue all of the waking time. I feel that the first thing is to get him out of that house (I've offered to help pay for it) & he will not move because of the cheap rent, he is scared to live alone, his mother is manipulative & he cant get along with others.

At this point I feel that I should distance myself for awhile but am also worried that he will spiral into a very dark place.

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

We understand here ; you are not alone and we are glad you found us.

~ The betrayal of being thrown under the bus to other relatives by our BPD adult children is searing: My son read my personal diary deep in my closet , confronted other family members about I what I " said" about them...    I have been able to explain about what happened to the closer members of my family and they understood.  I would say those that really matter- they will at least want to hear your side of the story before making a judgement on what the ill BPD person says. 
~He's 24 and not seeming to want help. You can certainly try to talk to him about how you feel when he betrays you like that.  The catch is, though, you can't be attached to the outcome.  He may blow up at you more, he may promise not to do it again and then do it again... there is no telling.  Therefore there is no trust on your part ( rightfully so) because it can't be built up since our BPD kids are so erratic.  You may have to be ok with not trusting him, but you can still love him. 

 I would suggest mindfulness, or wise mind( in the drop down box under tools) where you change your focus from future wreckage to the present.  We have to challenge our thoughts as we don't know what the future holds, but we have every right to do what we need to take care of ourselves, too.

The second tool is radical acceptance( in the tools). I have still have problems with this one  but it is a goal to work toward. Basically it is the accepting of our children / situations as they are now.  This also means accepting our adult kids' choices, which is difficult . 
 
Do you and your son have any common ground at all?  It could be possible he is too dysregulated and you may have to give him ( and you) some space.  There is nothing wrong with that either. Please write back as you are able - see us as a part of your healing network.
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[Drtakjh]

I just want to say that I am so sorry that life has brought you this much pain, worry, and sadness. This terrible illness (BPD) is such a torment to the sufferers and anyone who cares about them. It is bad enough having a BPD sister; absolutely cannot imagine a BPD child. I hope you will reach out far and wide for support. I know that the aging process helps a lot of borderlines so we will hope that the years will be kind to your family. All the best.