Child custody battle. How am I looking?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife is diagnosed with BPD. She was diagnosed after a suicide attempt back in the fall of 2020 that lead to a 72 hours psych hold.  My wife first mentioned a divorce in January 2021 (the beginning of her discard phase with me). During this time she attempted to OD on her prescription and was again sent to another psych ward. She eventually filed for divorce this past April, and had moved out and has taken then kids and has been extremely controlling. I’m documenting everything from her new lover, her dictating my time with the kids, her words and actions and everything else.

I work midnights shift for the sheriffs department and will be getting a single partner to move on to help out with the kids at night. She just got a new job at the YMCA and is able to provide child care for the girls.

My basic premise is that she is unfit to have the kids based on her diagnosis and her own actions. Plus she’s had a boatload of disconnects and verbal (once that I know of, physical) abuse toward the kids.

With this nutshell breakdown, can any of you tell me what my chances are of getting my kids?

Thanks!

[AlbatrossRising]

My wife is diagnosed with BPD. She was diagnosed after a suicide attempt back in the fall of 2020 that lead to a 72 hours psych hold.  My wife first mentioned a divorce in January 2021 (the beginning of her discard phase with me). During this time she attempted to OD on her prescription and was again sent to another psych ward. She eventually filed for divorce this past April, and had moved out and has taken then kids and has been extremely controlling. I’m documenting everything from her new lover, her dictating my time with the kids, her words and actions and everything else.

I work midnights shift for the sheriffs department and will be getting a single partner to move on to help out with the kids at night. She just got a new job at the YMCA and is able to provide child care for the girls.

My basic premise is that she is unfit to have the kids based on her diagnosis and her own actions. Plus she’s had a boatload of disconnects and verbal (once that I know of, physical) abuse toward the kids.

With this nutshell breakdown, can any of you tell me what my chances are of getting my kids?

Thanks!

[WalkingonEggshel]

Hello,

I am in practically the same boat with my wife now.  However, she is living in the house with us and one day I am evil and wants a divorce and the next she loves me and wants to work it out.  One day she looks at the kids and feels nothing the next she is neglectful and doesn't care at all.  Regardless of that I am in the stages of preparing myself and get a lawyer and document everything I possibly can.  Any legal documents from doctors or diagnosis ect is all useful in this from what I got so far.

Your chances will increase dramatically the more evidence you have. Your residence you can put up a camera that will record interactions.  I am not sure if they can be used in court but I plan to find out my next lawyer visit.

My wife is diagnosed with BPD. She was diagnosed after a suicide attempt back in the fall of 2020 that lead to a 72 hours psych hold.  My wife first mentioned a divorce in January 2021 (the beginning of her discard phase with me). During this time she attempted to OD on her prescription and was again sent to another psych ward. She eventually filed for divorce this past April, and had moved out and has taken then kids and has been extremely controlling. I’m documenting everything from her new lover, her dictating my time with the kids, her words and actions and everything else.

I work midnights shift for the sheriffs department and will be getting a single partner to move on to help out with the kids at night. She just got a new job at the YMCA and is able to provide child care for the girls.

My basic premise is that she is unfit to have the kids based on her diagnosis and her own actions. Plus she’s had a boatload of disconnects and verbal (once that I know of, physical) abuse toward the kids.

With this nutshell breakdown, can any of you tell me what my chances are of getting my kids?

Thanks!

[worriedStepmom]

How old are your kids?

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

What do you think is the right solution for the kids?  50/50 with you as a primary parent?  70/30 with you as primary parent?  Supervised visitation for your ex?

 Are there any temporary orders yet?  If not, what do you think would happen if you refuse to return them to their mother?  (I would not do this without the okay from a lawyer...but if you are seriously concerned for their safety, that might be an option.)

Generally, a diagnosis of BPD is meaningless in court.  The judge is more concerned with the impact on the children.  Two inpatient psych stays within 6 months are very concerning.  A suicide attempt is concerning.   However, the longer the delay between those events and getting in front of a judge, the easier it is for her to say that she's recovered, blah blah blah.

If you are seriously concerned that she is still suicidal or extremely unstable, you might want to get your lawyer to rush this as much as possible to keep the kids safe.

[AlbatrossRising]

My kids are 1 and 3. She’s had severe disconnects with them during this last year.

My lawyer advised in my case to pursue short term emergency custody and that’s what we are going for.

I’d be fine with a 50/50 primary at best bc she as of now believes she is the “primary” and has been very spiteful, vindictive and won’t let me see them much. I’ve been keeping a log and documenting through texts.

I don’t believe she’s stable enough to have them

[WalkingonEggshel]

If you feel that way, fight for your kids and go for 100 percent custody.  Your kids future matters most. I realize its much harder to say that than to do it but I keep reminding myself of the same thing.

My kids are 1 and 3. She’s had severe disconnects with them during this last year.

My lawyer advised in my case to pursue short term emergency custody and that’s what we are going for.

I’d be fine with a 50/50 primary at best bc she as of now believes she is the “primary” and has been very spiteful, vindictive and won’t let me see them much. I’ve been keeping a log and documenting through texts.

I don’t believe she’s stable enough to have them

[worriedStepmom]

I'm glad your lawyer has a plan.  Emergency temp custody is a good idea.

If you don't believe she is stable enough to have them, then 50/50 isn't a good idea.

For the permanent custody agreement, you can always present a step-up/step-down plan. Those list specific conditions that the other parent has to meet to get more time, or things that, if they do them, they get less time.

My stepdaughter is 13.  H has primary custody now and uBPDmom gets every other weekend, daytime hours only.  We have specific criteria listed that would send her automatically to supervised visitation for 6 months. One of those is having a doctor recommend inpatient or extended outpatient psychiatric care.  Others are based on things she says to SD.

[mart555]

Don't aim for 50-50.  Show the court, lawyers and everyone that you are there to protect the kids.  If you go with "I'm fine with 50-50", they'll think that "well he doesn't mind that the kids go with her, they are young, I guess we can make the mom the main caregiver".  She's crazy? Go with supervised visits for a few months. 

As for being afraid of her: it doesn't matter what you do. She'll be pissed. You could offer her the kids 100% and she would still want vengeance.  Do what is right for you and for the kids because she'll be pissed no matter what. 

FWIW, I used to think that "we'll go 50-50, the kids need their mom".  Mom did a bunch of crazy stuff and only once my kids lived with me full time did they recover, and that took months.  Their stress went down, so did the body pains and whatnot.  It took me a while to realize how toxic their mom was towards them even though I thought that she was a great mom.  I was blind.

[ForeverDad]

While my then-spouse was not diagnosed and did not have any hospital interventions (hence, no documentation from independent professionals) I did have a few episodes recorded.  In the following months and years I was surprised the court and other professionals largely ignored it.  Fortunately the day I called the emergency line I had recorded.  When the officer listened, even before it finished, he said to make a statement and they'd handle it.  The case pending against her was listed as Threat of DV.  I got temp possession of our home as a part of my temp protection order.  After a few months of continuances we finally had a trial.  It was held over to the end of day after all the other cases were out of the way.  She admitted to the recording.  It was quite brief, as I look back, probably perfunctory.  The judge cited case law that since it was just words and she had no weapons in her hands then she was declared Not Guilty.  Not even a warning.  (I cannot imagine that if I, a man, was the one making death threats that I could have walked out unscathed.)  I concluded that since she was a woman, a mother and had no prior court history.  A couple years later she had the case records expunged.

Let me back up to when she was first charged.  As soon as she was released, she immediately went to domestic court and (tit for tat) filed for protection from me.  TPOs are typically granted (ex parte) while awaiting a full hearing a couple weeks later.  She also included our son.  Once she did that, CPS got involved and so they looked at me.  (Not both of us, she was the complainant so they only looked at me.)  At the hearing the CPS rep stood up and stated they had "no concerns" about me.

I had seen the paperwork and she had to list her pending DV case in municipal court.  Magistrate had to have read the form and reviewed the other case, or so I hoped.  He decided... son was removed from her protection motion but... mother was assigned as temp custodial parent and temp majority time parent.  Me, the one protected elsewhere?  I got 3-day alternate weekends and a 3-hour evening in between.  That's how much default preference my county gave to mothers.

Eventually, I moved up to equal time, then legal guardian and then majority time during the school year.  Little steps.  So, yes, I was stunned that I started out with alternate weekends.

What I'm saying is that some courts will lean toward favoring the mother unless there is reason to adjust that default preference for women/mothers.  Your lawyer can probably best advise you about how your local court typically rules.  My point is that now is not the time to default to advocating "overly fair" perspectives.  You need your first court order, even a temporary one, to be as empowering as possible.  Any ground you relinquish will be hard to get back later.  As others here mentioned, your spouse's impulse will be to strike back at you (make you appear worse than her) and put you at as much a disadvantage as she can. You can't afford to be too fair, too nice, too generous or too understanding.

As they also mentioned, you need to shift priorities.  (1) You need to protect yourself so that you can remain an involved parent.  (2) You need to do what's best for your children, without being influenced by a pressuring or manipulative other parent.  (3)  Your spouse is an adult, legally responsible for herself and her actions, she should face whatever consequences for them.  (Whether court will enforce consequences on her is best left up to them, not you.)  While you don't want to appear nasty or vindictive, she can't be a priority to you, your priority now must be your children.