A Mother of Conflict

[Lmp0814]

I'm here because I need a place with others who understand. I believe my mom has BPD to some degree and sometimes I feel so angry and frustrated about it. I wish that when we had problems we could work through them in a healthy way. I wish I could turn to her for advice and really lean on her when I need to. I love her so much and I'm grateful for what she has taught me but I also hate that we can't have a normal, healthy mother daughter relationship. I now have a daughter of my own and I feel like there is healing for me there but every time my mom and I go through something it really just sucks. She also watches my daughter for me four days a week and as much as I trust her, COVID has really put a strain on us. She doesn't believe in the science and we've gotten into countless heated fights which I do my best to walk away from. The one that has brought me here was about a face mask for my daughter. They've lifted restrictions in my area and I told her to still put a mask on my daughter. Well my sister in law sent me a photo of my daughter in a store with my baby niece sitting in a cart with no face mask on. My mom can be seen in the photo with no mask as well. I had to confront her and did it over text because it was late and I didn't want an endless, yelling conversation. I told her I was really hurt by the fact that she didn't listen to my request, even though I had been clear. She told me it was only for the picture, that I shouldn't question her, and that they had their masks on otherwise. I don't believe her but I also know there's really no point in having a conversation because she spins it around and never validates how I feel. These moments just remind me of the relationship I'll never have with her and it sucks.

[Methuen]

It sounds like there have been some good things in your relationship with your mom since she cares for your daughter 4 days a week.  However, when she is caring for your daughter, she doesn’t respect your wishes as the parent, and does what she thinks instead, such as with the mask issue.  This seems like a classic problem with following boundaries.   You’ve stated your wishes with the mask, but she isn’t following them.

We had problems like this years ago too.  When it was clear to us she couldn’t follow our guidelines, we eventually opted for daycare as my work hours increased.  We gave the reason for the change as being about our needs, and nothing to do with her.

Some of it could also be control.  In my experience, my ubpd mother very much needs to feel in control.  She is also driven to do what she “wants” and what makes her feel good. In your case, if your mom doesn’t “buy in” to mask use, and she’s got bpd traits, she’s probably going to do what she wants when you are not around.  Nothing is going to change that.

We found an amazing quality daycare, run by trained ECE professionals.  There was probably an adjustment phase for mom (it was a long time ago) , but she still got to spend plenty of time with the kids so she got used to it.

[SepiaScarf]

Hi Lmp0814,
    I feel this in my bones. I had to put a stop to my mom watching my children because she never respected any of my parenting choices. One time she gave my 6-month-old a Reeses peanut butter cup, but she will deny it till the day she dies. Good thing she doesn't have a peanut allergy. There were just so many things we could never align on and always setting new boundaries was exhausting.
   It absolutely does suck that we will never get to have those kinds of relationships with our moms.

SS

[yamada]

she has you be cause you use her for child care...there is no win if there is no respect. maybe its time to move to child care where you do have some control