Need help with ex bpd gf

[zenwexler]

So I know this is a pretty weird request, but I'd be really grateful for some help and some trust. I posted pretty extensively in the past on here.

I'm looking to download some pictures of my ex. When we broke up I deleted all of them rather quickly. As I've matured and grown, I realized that there's a form of "exposure therapy" that's pretty much rooted in Buddhist thought that I really want to try.

The main thing is, I have no desire to know what she's been up to, see pictures with current or past bfs, career, marriage etc. So I'd be incredibly grateful if someone could message me and help me out. I'd like to have someone potentially send me some pictures of her so I can work more skillfully with detaching myself. I know this is a weird request, but of my years studying meditation, I'm confident in this approach and I figured I'd ask here because if anyone can understand the chaos of dating or breaking up with someone who has bpd it would be here. I just don't want to post her name publicly, and I'm trying to avoid having some random internet creep do this. Although her social media is public, so it would be like just downloading any stranger's pictures. And I don't want to ask any friend's or family as it was this site, forum, and people that have truly helped me through all of this.

Thanks in advance!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Zenw-

I see it’s been nearly 4 years since you’ve visited the boards.  I’m glad you’ve come back.  I went back and looked at your history, which truly shows that the length of these relationships bears NO weight in relation to how long it can take for us to heal from the disorder and abuse we experienced.  And in your situation your ex refused to set you free from contact.  I’m so so sorry.

Have you and she remained in contact since your last post in 2017?  Entirely up to you whether you wish to answer.

Regarding your request for the photo of your ex, I cannot help you with that.  But I want to relay an experience I had.  About a song... I’m very musically driven.

I was sitting in a VERY Public place with my iPod headphones in my ears, and this certain song came on that my ex BPD/ NPDbf and I danced to once in my living room.  It was just one of many, fast and slow.  The song itself didn’t “mean” anything to us in particular.  I instantly doubled over and a sobbing sound came out of me.  Kind of stunned me.  I closed my eyes and forced myself to listen to every word.  And then staying in that chair, I played that song over and over and over again until I made it through without shedding a tear.  I have no idea how long I was there.  And I didn’t care.  None of it was planned.

Is there a song you can use? 

There are still photos of my ex all over my home, and none of those did for me what this song experience did.  Because I processed actual experiences through what I heard.

My now ex (6.5 years) was one of the most handsome men I’ve ever been with.. the most charming, and by far the most cruel and deceptive.  I have exactly one photograph on my iPad that I took before his first narcissistic RAGE at me.  I actually looked at it the other night and said “this is before I knew about you”.

We broke up for good in 2/2020.  His last fishing text was in 12/2020 and I will NEVER allow him near me again.

I wish you peaceful healing, my friend.  Please grant yourself closure.  Disordered people circle for themselves.  Not for you.

If you’re having trouble, please post.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes