Trying to recover form 22 years of marriage

[mjh]

Don't really need advice, just want to vent and maybe find out if I am the Jerk here.

I met her when she was 24 and I was 31.  I was a confirmed bachelor, and she had a kid from a disastrous first (young) marriage), but she changed my mind and we got married after only 6 months of dating.   

There were so many red flags, but I loved her and resolved that I would be a good dad.  Over the next few years I realize that she is incredibly anxious, can't stand for me to be away (Not a good thing given my profession and the fact there was a war on), and is willing to threaten divorce over me not using fabric softener (you see, if I loved her I would remember). 

There were impulsive purchases of everything from couches to cars, and at one point a even a house.  There were credit cards and loans I never knew about, and once I caught her talking to the guy she once described as the love of her life prior the disastrous first marriage (he married someone else, so she settled for first husband.). I knuckled under, but nothing made her happy.  Sex was amazing.

A few years ago she starts acting very strange about her first child's facial features (who I raised as my own).  Turns out that the story I was told of the disastrous first marriage, with the cheating husband, wasn't quite true.  Yes, he cheated, but so did she- to the point that she wasn't exactly sure who the father was.  One of the extended family had done a 23 and Me test, and she was terrified that her child would get one as a gift and realize that her deadbeat father wasn't actually her bio father, it was another deadbeat.

Of course, I was supportive- it all happened before we met, the kid only knew me as her father, this was something best left alone.  For once she took my advice, and things seemed to be Ok for a while.

Then we had a big fight over our oldest son's future.  She accused me of influencing him to throw his life away and essentially of cowardice (he wanted to join the military, I was a career military guy).  I was outraged, and refused to give in.

Within a month she wanted a divorce.  In fact, she had already rented a new place, furnished it, and basically started staying there whenever she wanted to get away.  Months of torture followed, and we made the announcement to the family just after Christmas- or so I thought.  She had violated our agreement to keep it between us, and had been prepping the children and extended family all along.  Turns out I am an alcoholic narcissist, by the way.

During the very turbulent period that followed Christmas, I find out she's maintained a long distance relationship with her first love for 20 years, and over the years they contemplated getting together for a tryst but never did it (well, that's her version).  She's also got a very serious boyfriend in a neighboring state- within a month of our 'breakup' she's already gone to see him for two weekends and spent a weekend in the mountains meeting his parents.   He's dreamy, by the way- country boy, into surfing, cute, rich.  Did I mention rich?

But also a convicted felon (GTA, possession, breaking parole), but that is all in his past- he was barely in his 30s when all that happened, after all.  His brother was a bad influence, but that wouldn't be a problem because he was in federal prison.  Turns out, by the way, that 'rich is a trust fund that he can't touch until he goes to rehab and is employed for a year.

She apparently sees this as a challenge, and they move in together within a month of meeting and get engaged (although we were still married) a month or so after that.  We hashed out separation and custody agreement that is mostly in my favor (I think she knew she would lose if it came to a hearing), so I am back to whatever normal is going to look like in 2021.

Turns out that he is not such a great guy after all and they have a terribly messy breakup that traumatizes the entire family. Lots of lies, verbal and physical abuse, and a restraining order.  She moves out, abandoning her furniture and security deposit (did I mention that he was actually unemployed?).  Within a few months he was evicted, she was partially liable, and it basically ruined her financially (that and her inability to function at work and therefore receive a steady paycheck).

Anyway, a bunch of additional craziness takes place, and I think I am finally over the heartbreak and anger (mostly), until yesterday when her ex fiancé OD's on her front porch TWICE in a 24 hour period.  Yes, you read that right.  OD, ER, NARCOPAN, released, 2nd OD, ICU, might die.  Actually, on the second OD she let him in to her condo for reasons that I will never understand.

Here's my problem:  She thinks of herself as a hero for doing CPR and calling 911 (twice), and thinks the entire extended family should give her some sympathy for the trauma she suffered.  Also, we are terrible people for not caring about the boyfriend. 

After the 4th or 5th phone call, I basically told her that while I don't wish him ill, and certainly don't want him to die, I see his predicament as a result of his actions, so, no, I don't feel sorry for him, and that doesn't make me a bad person.  He is getting medical care and he has a family that is responsible for him- as do I. 

I also told her that while I could see how this was traumatic and upsetting, the fact that he knew where she lived is very disturbing, given that she told everyone that would listen that he was a violent drug addict (to be fair, all true) and she had taken a restraining order against him.

I point blank asked her why in the world she would give him her address, much less let him in.  Of course, it's because she is not only the victim but the hero of this story.  I told her that she has children that she is responsible for, that she is putting her drug addict boyfriend's needs ahead of theirs.  I was then called an alcoholic narcissist, but I've heard that before so we left it at that.

This morning she calls as though nothing happened, and asked if I could pick up the younger kids from school.  I've been debating this for a while, because she does it all the time, and I know I am simply reinforcing bad behavior.  However, when she was living with this idiot she exposed our young kids to him- even left them in his care for brief periods- after she knew he was dangerous.

I'm on the verge of calling the attorney and asking for a modified custody agreement.

[kells76]

Welcome mjh...

After reading your story, I can say without a doubt you're in the right place.

So it started out in a whirlwind, with anxiety/separation anxiety, overblown threats to normal situations, impulsivity, paranoia. Some periods of calm, but uncommon.

Then, after the divorce announcement -- revelations of long term infidelity, and a pattern of unstable and impermanent relationships, plus a total focus on immediate emotional needs, to the profound exclusion of everything and everyone (including children) else.

You sound pretty detached in your writing. Is that where you're at emotionally with her?

she is not only the victim but the hero of this story

That is an excellent distillation of the personality-disordered mindset. "The heroic victim".

I told her that she has children that she is responsible for, that she is putting her drug addict boyfriend's needs ahead of theirs.  I was then called an alcoholic narcissist, but I've heard that before so we left it at that.

This morning she calls as though nothing happened, and asked if I could pick up the younger kids from school.  I've been debating this for a while, because she does it all the time, and I know I am simply reinforcing bad behavior.  However, when she was living with this idiot she exposed our young kids to him- even left them in his care for brief periods- after she knew he was dangerous.

How old are the kids?

Just to get down to brass tacks right away, it is likely a wise move to keep the kids away from her if she has an OD'ing boyfriend. If you have a lawyer on tap already, run that question by him/her -- "Will I get in trouble if I let the kids go to their mom's per the schedule, when I know that her BF is there and uses drugs?"

It might be "less bad" for you (and much, much healthier) to keep the kids now and work out "makeup time" (if even that) later, versus let them go to a dangerous situation now and have that count against you.

...

In terms of -- are you the jerk?

Well, you guys sound profoundly incompatible, at best. Your hierarchies of values are very, very different. You might put the kids near the top of yours... but hers always has her emotional good-feeling at the top.

As you've experienced, people with PD's have a difficult time with "cause and effect", with correct attributions of intentions, and with the concrete difference between feelings and facts.

So, she may feel like you're awful and mean (because you're not making her feel good, i.e., you're not shouldering her responsibility for her feelings), and therefore, if she feels like you're the the worst, then it's a fact that you're literally a horrible, narcissistic, binge drinking demon. She will construct some facts to fit her feelings, versus "normal" people who do business with facts first, then have feelings about the facts and manage their own feelings.

She is likely projecting her own stuff on to you. I typically switch the pronouns to get more truth. Instead of her telling you that you're blah blah blah, instead try:
She is actually saying "I am a narcissist and I am an alcoholic". Most of the insulting and demeaning things pwPD's say about us... aren't about us. It's about how they feel in their core, and, occasionally, what they do.

...

So there are some nutshell versions of some thoughts to start with. Again, you are definitely in the right place with people who get the craziness. No justification necessary. Keep posting/sharing/venting/etc as often as works for you.

-kells76

[mjh]

Wow.  That is some good insight.

I think I am detaching.  I was well on my way there, but after she somehow managed to make me b the bad guy in this latest incident, I sensed myself slipping into the old pattern of trying to fix things without making her accept responsibility for her actions.

I realized what I was doing and calmly told her that I was not responsible for any of this and I would not take responsibility- No, I don't feel bad, no I don't care about this guy beyond normal concern for a human being, and no, I am not a bad person because of it.  Try it on someone else.

Which, of course she did- she called our adult daughter, who will listen non-judgmentally, but interestingly not our adult son, who would simply listen politely and not offer any feedback.

Our other two are 19 (young man with autism; he is verbal but emotionally and cognitively delayed), and 11 (boy), who is beginning to see the pattern.

[mjh]

Also, she is a moderate drinker, but she does take a LOT of Adderall and a few other anxiety and ADD meds.  Her boyfriend got her into smoking pot.

Her impulsive and destructive behavior is sexual and financial.  She was very adventurous in our intimate life and like to take risks in public.  She is terrible with money, and I have a feeling she is in a very bad financial situation and is therefore looking for someone who can support her despite any red flags that a prudent 47 year old mother of 4 would recognize and heed.

[mjh]

I re-read your comments this morning and another tidbit jumped out at me.  One of the reasons she cited for ending the marriage (which, I am now realizing, is the 5th best thing that ever happened to me (1-4 being the kids) is that we have different values.  

Keep in mind that she said this while living with a man that she met less than a month previously and consistently had casual sexual or intense emotional relationships while married to other men.

What value was she talking about that was a deal breaker?  I didn't demand that our children call us 'sir' and 'ma'am'.  This was a problem, it symbolized a lack of respect for elders, and it was going to lead to the breakdown of society.

On the other hand, she had no problem with introducing her 11 year old son to her live in boyfriend.

Someone described living with disordered thinking and lies as being through the looking glass/down the rabbit hole.  You are so many levels deep in the lies and simply bonkers thinking that you eventually find yourself debating a subject that requires you to tacitly accept three or for levels of lies and deception as truth.

[Sappho11]

I re-read your comments this morning and another tidbit jumped out at me.  One of the reasons she cited for ending the marriage (which, I am now realizing, is the 5th best thing that ever happened to me (1-4 being the kids) is that we have different values.  

Keep in mind that she said this while living with a man that she met less than a month previously and consistently had casual sexual or intense emotional relationships while married to other men.

What value was she talking about that was a deal breaker?  I didn't demand that our children call us 'sir' and 'ma'am'.  This was a problem, it symbolized a lack of respect for elders, and it was going to lead to the breakdown of society.

On the other hand, she had no problem with introducing her 11 year old son to her live in boyfriend.

Someone described living with disordered thinking and lies as being through the looking glass/down the rabbit hole.  You are so many levels deep in the lies and simply bonkers thinking that you eventually find yourself debating a subject that requires you to tacitly accept three or for levels of lies and deception as truth.

She was merely looking for a reason to detach from you without taking responsibility for her own actions.

My BPDex and I had all the same values: a materially minimalist lifestyle, a sensible investment policy with one's money, healthy, active living, one's relationship being central to one's life, that we wanted children, how we were going to bring them up, etc. But regardless, he'd bring up trivialities like "you don't like this news show but I do", "you use dividers in your kitchen drawers while I don't", "your interior design taste is slightly different from mine" and a million other inconsequential things. Why? Because he was constantly looking for a justification to himself that things couldn't work out anyway.

It got to a point where he even berated me for my good qualities. Suddenly I wasn't neat and tidy anymore, I was "pedantic". I wasn't hard-working and successfully self-employed, but I didn't have "a real job" to him. I wasn't determined, but "steam-rolling". Nor warm-hearted, but "manipulative". I wasn't tolerant and nuanced for being friends with people of different (!) political creeds, but an "extremist" with "bizarre views".

The reasons for this distortion were two-fold: first, a lack of self-esteem and resulting fear of abandonment on his part; second, his pathological coping strategy with this fear by painting me in the worst terms ever. I struggled with this for months, trying to figure out why he suddenly started hating everything he claimed he had fallen in love with, and why he was constantly looking for reasons, however ridiculous, that it could never work out.

It's just their way. Your ex-wife is looking for reasons to justify to herself why you  weren't a good fit anyway, because 1) she's likely in the devaluation period and 2) she can't face the fact that the breakdown of this relationship is (probably) largely her fault.

[Red22]

Someone described living with disordered thinking and lies as being through the looking glass/down the rabbit hole.  You are so many levels deep in the lies and simply bonkers thinking that you eventually find yourself debating a subject that requires you to tacitly accept three or for levels of lies and deception as truth.

Most definitely. Then the tacit acceptance of entertaining someone else's thought process to facilitate basic communication is reflected back as foundational of your own thinking.