You can go but you better not

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's good that you recognize this. I think it helps shift from resenting her for not being able to go on your trip to realizing it's the only wise decision you can make for the welfare of your children due to the circumstances.

Although many people ask grandparents to babysit sometimes, this is something I would not have ever considered. My BPD mother does not have the emotional capacity or maturity to do this. I never left my children alone with her.

My father was the hands on parent. When he had to leave for work, we had sitters even if my mother was there. In our case, she preferred this. I know this is different from you. Not only was she not emotionally capable of being alone with us, she didn't want to do the hands on parenting.

In the short run, this may feel unfair to you but I think the parent that is the hands on parent, becomes the more bonded parent. My main parental bond was with my father. My childhood memories of time with him are mostly positive. It's not that your children's relationship with their mother is less crucial but any relationship involves both people. I grew up feeling afraid of my mother. You still need self care when you can, maybe a night out with the guys in your area instead of a trip, but know that you are investing in your children.

[Notwendy]

It's good that you recognize this. I think it helps shift from resenting her for not being able to go on your trip to realizing it's the only wise decision you can make for the welfare of your children due to the circumstances.

Although many people ask grandparents to babysit sometimes, this is something I would not have ever considered. My BPD mother does not have the emotional capacity or maturity to do this. I never left my children alone with her.

My father was the hands on parent. When he had to leave for work, we had sitters even if my mother was there. In our case, she preferred this. I know this is different from you. Not only was she not emotionally capable of being alone with us, she didn't want to do the hands on parenting.

In the short run, this may feel unfair to you but I think the parent that is the hands on parent, becomes the more bonded parent. My main parental bond was with my father. My childhood memories of time with him are mostly positive. It's not that your children's relationship with their mother is less crucial but any relationship involves both people. I grew up feeling afraid of my mother. You still need self care when you can, maybe a night out with the guys in your area instead of a trip, but know that you are investing in your children.

[Notwendy]

Her "weekend with the girls" could be a potential weekend break for you. Not a trip for you but a break from the drama for you and the kids. And you can ask "aunt" to keep them for a few hours while you get some time to yourself. Buy aunt a gift certificate for helping. Go do something nice for you.

[Guts42]

On this proposed girlfriend away weekend, what is the plan for childcare?  (apologies if I've missed it or perhaps misinterpreted earlier stuff)

It's another interesting double standard.  She can leave me with the kids but I can't take them anywhere.
We do trips to her Aunt's house every now and then.  Before that a trip to the movies was about it.

IF this girls' weekend away does happen they'll just be with me.  I actually look forward to those times!  Kids and I always have fun.

[Guts42]

It's good that you recognize this. I think it helps shift from resenting her for not being able to go on your trip to realizing it's the only wise decision you can make for the welfare of your children due to the circumstances.

Exactly, I'm looking at this more and more as a pathology situation.  I don't think she has any control over (or very little control at the most) over her attachment issue derived behaviors.

[Guts42]

Her "weekend with the girls" could be a potential weekend break for you. Not a trip for you but a break from the drama for you and the kids. And you can ask "aunt" to keep them for a few hours while you get some time to yourself. Buy aunt a gift certificate for helping. Go do something nice for you.

And THIS is precisely why I'm encouraging it - heck I even said she should make two nights!
If it's clear that I can't go then I think she should so we all get a break!

It's eerily familiar.  Whenever my mom would go away on trips with her friends the rest of the family (my brother, my dad, and myself) it was like a fog lifted.

[formflier]

It's another interesting double standard.  She can leave me with the kids but I can't take them anywhere.
We do trips to her Aunt's house every now and then.  Before that a trip to the movies was about it.

 

Just me..but...if she goes on the weekend trip, you guys better go on a getway as well.

DO NOT AGREE to any such double standard as this...the longer this type of things goes on the harder and harder it will be to undo this.

If she is present..she has control.  If she is not present, she relies on you.  It's really that simple.  Now..if she wanted to compromise and trade or some other agreement she would NOT ABROGATE...well that's a different matter.

Uggg...dude.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Whenever my mom would go away on trips with her friends the rest of the family (my brother, my dad, and myself) it was like a fog lifted.


yes, it was the best times!


Your wife is more controlling with the kids at this age, but as they become teens, they also become more peer oriented, wanting to spend time away from parents and with their friends. They also become more independent and may speak up more. Your wife may be more willing to have them stay at their aunt's or spend the day at a friend's house than she is now, if the kids are less easy for her.