Living with an adult daughter with BPD

[Starbud]

 Hi y’all, I’m a 67 yr old mother to a 41yr old bpd daughter that lives with me and my husband, her stepfather. She was diagnosed in her early 30’s. She has a college degree, has had and lost many jobs, became addicted to opiates, came through that, and is finally working again full time. Her father is out of the picture with the exception of infrequent phone calls. He and his wife have chosen a hands off policy concerning her and her condition. Anyway, my present issue with her is hypochondria.
She has been on Medicaid and has used the hell out of it. Now that she is working, she has insurance and co-pays and her obsessive need to see doctors and go to the ER has financial fallout. How do I help her to see her fixation aches and pains is part of her bpd?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Starbud!  Since she's had a formal diagnosis, has your daughter been open to any kind of treatment or therapy? Are you most concerned with the financial fall out?

I believe it's common for physical aches and pains, whether real or perceived, to be used by pwBPD to get attention they want so badly.

[KBug]

I know that you want to help your daughter, but in my experience, trying to convince someone with BPD of anything won't really help and will likely end up in conflict. She's in her 40s and you can't really make her understand anything.  Maybe if she brings up that the frequent healthcare visits are causing her financial burdens, then you might be able to say something if she asking for help. I would personally choose to let her do what she's going to do without trying to parent her. She's likely to do it anyway, and you will avoid conflict. I wouldn't help her out financially, either, because that would just enable her bad choices. I know this sounds cold and mean, but I'm constantly working on how to make mine as independent as possible and help her to make better choices.