First Counseling Session Coming Up

[bekah88]

My MIL verbally assaulted me in public about two months ago.
She never apologized.
That evening, I asked for some space and she mentioned us talking to her “pastor/counselor” together. I quickly agreed and asked her to make an appointment.

She avoided the appointment and scheduled one with my husband instead. Her excuses of the verbal assault are pages long and illogical. She says she was overwhelmed and it got to her.

Unfortunately, she and my FIL live with us but they have their own kitchen, laundry room, etc.

It’s been two months since the incident and no family session has been scheduled.
So tonight, my husband asked his parents to schedule a session.
1) she claims she doesn’t need therapy anymore and stopped seeing that therapist
2) my FIL shut down and didn’t say much past encouraging his wife to make the appointment
3) she broke down crying
4) everyone else stayed calm

After that, she starts texting us about events with our kids and trying to plan little summer outings with them. She also kept calling us with whatever reason she could.
She scheduled a therapy session for two weeks from now.

I want to get the session over with. But i go back and forth being hopeful that she will ever be able to face what she did that day when she verbally assaulted me.
I’m losing hope that therapy could even help us. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

You are in the right place to talk with others who have experienced conflict with their pwBPD (person with BPD). 

Can you tell us more about the conflict?  How things have been resolved, or not resolved, in the past?

[pursuingJoy]

Hi bekah88!  I join Harri in welcoming you.

I have a uBPD MIL too. Mine outright refused any version of therapy, individually or together. In my situation, therapy wasn't likely to have made a difference. She is 72 with developed patterns of behavior that have never been challenged by anyone in the family. I heard a lot of, "she didn't mean it/that's just the way she is." Thanks to a counselor who brought up BPD and this site where I feel like I've found some sanity, I feel like I've found my footing again.

Is living together a long-term arrangement? Like Harri, I'm also interested in hearing if this is the first conflict, and/or how others have been resolved.

Do you feel like you have your husband's support in all of this? I like that he asked them to set up a therapy appointment!

[bekah88]

Thank you both so much!

Yes this is the first conflict that has come up that is specifically directed at me.

So here's what had happened: My mom has alzheimers and lives in a memory care center.  I was called because she had high blood pressure and needed medical care.  I went to pick her up to bring her to Urgent Care and after arriving to urgent care, my uBPD MIL came and unloaded a lot of resentment towards me.   She just started screaming at me and telling me that I have a lot of pride and that I don't ask for help.
I also had my two young daughters with me - ages 5 and 2.
She tried to grab my 2 year old and went running off with her.  She doesnt have car seats in her car, so even more reason why she cant take off with her.
So I chase her to the parking lot and I tell her to leave.

I tell her I don't want to talk about it until my husband came home from a work trip, but she has now extended this for two months and asked to speak to her "pastor/counselor".

To answer your questions:
Yes, them living with us is a long term arrangement, unfortunately.  Although, my therapist has mentioned that they are not MY responsibility and I can let go of that burden any time I want - which sounds super freeing.

[pursuingJoy]

Has she displayed this kind of behavior to others in the family? How do they respond?

Did you see this part of her in the beginning? My MIL love bombed me at first - I didn't get to see who she really was until 3-4 years into the marriage.

My husband and his mom are enmeshed, which makes a unified approach to boundary setting impossible. Her most desperate desire is to move in with us, but that's beyond a firm NO. We will visit her house a few times a year, no overnights for me. She is welcome to visit, but  I don't want her spending the night. This is insulting to her so she refuses altogether.

Where does your husband stand with all of this? Has any more been said about the counseling session?

Love that the therapist gave you permission to release the responsibility to take care of her/them. I used to feel soo guilty at first. I mean, what kind of DIL doesn't allow her MIL to come visit for the night? H and MIL told me they were sorry I didn't know what a real family should look like because I was so screwed up from my family. I was told I was selfish, self-centered, unforgiving and on and on.

I held my ground and don't feel guilty any more.  H still resents me but day to day life is way better today.

If your MIL doesn't bring up counseling, how are you going to proceed? Has her behavior been addressed? It is NOT ok to verbally assault you the way she did. It is NOT ok to grab a 2 year old child without the mother's consent and just walk off.

[formflier]

So...can you clarify that you are at an urgent care with your Mom and apparently had to have some small kiddos in tow.  Do I have this part right?

Your MIL shows up uninvited while you are there trying to get care for your Mom and while trying to keep up with kiddos.  Am I still on track?

Now that your MIL is there she decides to unload on you about a completely separate matter?  What was she saying you were prideful over?

So...is it possible that she believed that you should have proactively reached out to her for help...and since you didn't do that she decided to show up and "teach you a lesson" and "help" you with the kids (the running off with a kid)       

Is it possible or perhaps likely that is what she is thinking?  (not trying to give her a pass..just trying to wrap my head around this)

Full disclosure:  I'm a caregiver for my Mom with dementia.  I was in a pretty good place with boundaries and my pwBPD before..so it wasn't a hard stretch to "expand" my boundaries to protect myself during the EXHAUSTION that comes from caring for someone with dementia. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Did your Mom receive the medical care she needs?

Best,

FF