Advice needed on communicating after disappearance

[Noone]

Hello I have read a lot of information about this but I'm struggling with what has happened. I am alone and my spouse has disappeared except to occasionally send hurtful messages. Please I'm asking for someone who can advise me on how to handle this, at least from the standpoint of the "relationship."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Noone,
That sounds incredibly painful. Can I ask, how recently did your spouse disappear? Is this something that had happened in the past, or is this new?
So glad you're posting here.
-kells76

[Noone]

Hi Kells thank you for replying. It's not the first time, but normally they calm down after a few days. This has now been over a mont

[kells76]

That is scary when a loved one just up and leaves. If I'm reading correctly, this latest disappearance has lasted for over a month? Wow. I wonder if you're feeling anxiety about your spouse's well-being, despite the hurtful messages coming your way.

How long has this been a pattern? I.e., did it start right when you got married, or did your spouse do stuff like that before? Or, did it start sometime afterwards?

Hurtful messages plus a disappearance sound like a huge "PUSH AWAY" message, to me. I wonder if something overwhelmed your spouse's feelings recently? You probably already know that pwBPD have lower-than-average coping skills for big emotions. Understatement...

What kind of support do you have in this time? Personal therapist? Empathetic friends? Family? Taking care of you is just as important as focusing on a loved one in crisis.

(My sister's former husband disappeared for... I can't remember, but multiple days, a couple of years ago. There's so much stress and fear involved for those "left behind". Hugs to you  )

[Noone]

May I message you please?

[kells76]

Sure! I'll do the best I can.

[Noone]

Thank you, I have done.

[kells76]

Hey again Noone,

Check out these links on some non-intuitive tools to "help make it not worse", and let us know if you have seen them before. Or, if not, your thoughts on using them to "not fan the flames". pwPD's (people with PD's) can be much, much more sensitive to "explanations" or "truth" than non-PD people are.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Of course, this is NOT saying "you are the problem." No, you're not. It IS saying, it sounds like you care about a highly sensitive person, and the tools and skills for helping situations not escalate are not tools and skills we always have. It IS saying, it sounds like you are wondering what to do about the relationship, and if being together is maybe something you want, then these tools and skills can sometimes help take conflicts from always 10 out of 10 back down to maybe 6 or 7 out of ten... and, sometimes, better.

-kells76

[kells76]

It's a great question... do you communicate back in some way to let him know you're hurting.

It makes sense that it's not like there's a problem using SET. You do support him, you empathize with him, etc. It wouldn't be you "faking it", it would be genuine.

Yet you also have feelings, too, and it would mean a lot to you if he would recognize that.

Is that close to where you are at?

[once removed]

hi Noone,

there are two great things about this place, and theyre a big part of why i came here, and am still here today.

the first is that being anonymous gave me a lot of freedom to talk about the most difficult aspects of my relationship, and how i was coping. i could say things id have a harder time saying to even my closest loved ones, and without judgment.

the other is the collective wisdom of the group. each person had a different insight that all helped me uniquely. i knew i couldnt always rely on one on one support, but the different perspectives and takes i got were invaluable.

i understand your hesitancy to dive in, but i think that if you do, youll find it very rewarding.

when youre ready, i encourage you to share more with us about whats going on. we can help.

[Noone]

Thank you for your message.

[kells76]

Hey Noone, how are you doing today?

[Noone]

Hi Kells a bit better thank you.

[Noone]

Please is there nobody there who can advise me? They won't talk to me and I don't know what to do.

[Breakingpoint13]

Noone, How long have they been gone NC? I think the best thing to do at the moment is to respect their decision and focus on you. Trust us we have all been there and personally something that I am dealing with. But focusing on him this situation is making you worse, and you are responsible for that. Even if he replies, what will it achieve? Right now you need to focus on you, become a healthier better version of you. Then if he does contact... and you want to respond, you will be in a better position to do so.

Stay strong, you can do this.

[once removed]

Please is there nobody there who can advise me? They won't talk to me and I don't know what to do.

can you tell us more about whats going on? what led up to him leaving?

[ThanksForPlaying]

I'm also sitting here by myself after a short "disappearance" of a few days. You aren't alone.

Try to step back for a moment and come up with a plan for yourself. Think about what you want to happen in your own life. Don't focus on whether or not he's coming back - it may or may not happen eventually, but you need to have some goals for yourself either way.

Post more info here if you feel like it - sometimes it's a helpful way to organize your thoughts.

[Noone]

Thank you for the messages. Things have progressed and I am now more aware of what is going on but it doesn't make things easier. It's actually more complicated. I can't write it here it's such a mess .

[Noone]

I don't need support. Well, ok, I do, but that's not why I'm here. I need advice. If there's anyone with experience who feels that they could offer me that please send me a message. Thank you.

[babyducks]

everyone here has experience Noone.   

We are all here because we have a significant other or family member with a serious mental illness.

Do you want to attempt to recover the relationship?   Do you want to reverse the break up?

[Breakingpoint13]

Noone, how are you? Are you doing better?