just figured it out

[syndee]

I'm new here and I just came across BPD within the last week.  My SO is very good with my kids and is a very nice caring person and we've been dating for several years.  I knew him since we were teens but once we started dating, he kind of flipped and wanted all of my time, always.  He managed to get me to be on the defensive and having to explain how I was busy with the kids, or haven't talked to friend so-and-so in a long while.  I knew he was sort of a needy person but I thought he knew I wasn't like that.  I thought he'd enjoy some of the freedom I was giving him (sure, go out with your friends, I'll find something else to do.  )

Well needless to say that kind of behavior escalated.  We were at a family function and I wanted to leave earlier than him.  He was furious and said what a horrible girlfriend I was to leave family on a holiday (it was already 8pm).  I showed up  later than he wanted for a birthday dinner - in enough time to get the kids to their babysitter and enough time for the reservation, but later than he expected and he had planned a surprise for me, (I had no idea), but he was so mad that he cancelled the whole thing and already changed out of his nice clothes.    He would say I never spent enough time with him no matter how much I did.  We could spend the whole weekend together when the kids were gone, then he'd tell me Monday how we never spend time together.  If I didn't go to bed when he did, he would be mad and turn his back to me for the night.  If I said I needed to get the kids tucked in or something, he'd say, why didn't you start earlier, you should be more disciplined.  God forbid he'd hear me and the kids giggling or something when I should have been getting them to sleep and getting back to paying him attention.

Last week we went on a trip and usually the trips are a ton of fun, But there's always at least 1 incident.  This time at the last dinner I got really chatty and was telling the kids stories.  I wondered why he didn't join in.  After that he was furious and said I ignored him for  the whole dinner and didn't say one word to him.   

Well the next day we left the trip,  he seemed calm so I brought up, these incidents, lets try to talk them over, I want to know what happened, what part was my fault, how we can change these patterns.  Well you'd think the atomic bomb went off.  He furiously told me how no one he knows would ignore their SO like that no matter what, I am so horrible, etc etc.  This time I just stared at him and didn't say anything. The more I was quiet, the more he went on and on.  Luckily we just got home and he gets out of the car still ranting, grabbed his stuff into his car, glares at me, then left.  That was one whole week ago. Usually it could be a day or couple of days but I wonder if saying we should talk about the relationship put him over the edge.

I really want to know if there's anything I can do.  I just came across this board  and it just seems to fit.    So I'm trying to figure out what to do.  If only I had seen these sites before and learned about validation, etc.  I probably had been doing exactly the wrong stuff.  How can you get them to understand their emotional reactions seem over the top?  His description of what happened always seems off, at least not matching mine. 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hello and welcome. 

I read some of your other posts to get some background on your situation. It sounds like your SO is moving to have you as his emotional caretaker so that you can rescue him from situations that trigger his emotions. People with BPD generally try to find someone to fill that role as they're seldom able to handle their emotions in a healthy way on their own. I've read that pwBPD are highly reactive emotionally and have trouble regulating their emotions. This may help explain his behavior and thoughts. There are many other common behavior patterns that accompany this condition that you may recognize as you read about them and think about your interactions with him.

He would say I never spent enough time with him no matter how much I did.

That's probably true. That's been my experience with my wife.

I really want to know if there's anything I can do. / If only I had seen these sites before and learned about validation, etc.

I recommend many of the techniques on this site but there's only so much you can do. I wouldn't blame yourself into a bad mood or sacrifice yourself to an endless battle trying to please someone when it's unlikely they'll be satisfied. You can only do what you can do and for the rest, let it be.

How can you get them to understand their emotional reactions seem over the top?

For pwBPD, their emotions are reality so it's unlikely they'll believe otherwise. Trying to justify, attack, defend, explain (JADE) usually makes things worse when talking to a pwBPD. BPD is a condition needing special attention for the pwBPD, yourself, and family. I hope you can find what you're looking for and things go well.

[syndee]

So what exactly are the things that we could do?  I am looking in to trying more validation.  I can see how that would help any relationship, PD or not.  But I'm trying to understand what it means to be the emotional caretaker.  Like you're the one soothing them?  But whatever I was doing was always wrong and never was soothing or comforting. I would like to understand what the "emotional caretaker" does, even if it's a dysfunctional relationship.  What is the BPD person looking for?

What is the strategy that gets people to understand or manage their own emotions?  I want to get a grasp of what the therapists do, just to understand.

[Jabiru]

You're right. These techniques can help in any relationship, PD or not. Each person is unique so you may have to experiment with what works and what doesn't.

I read about the caretaker concept in the book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It recommends to stop being a caretaker/rescuer and instead to make mature choices about your caring so that you feel healthy and fulfilled and not manipulated or obligated. It can be challenging to recognize and stop yourself from going too far. People on this forum seem to have different opinions on being a caretaker.

1.03 | Being An Emotional Caregiver

This board has several threads that may be helpful on things like validation, boundaries, communication. Reading other people's personal threads here has also helped me to see things from the outside and think more rationally about my own situations.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is often recommended for treating BPD. Many of the techniques are probably mentioned in above link.

[syndee]

It recommends to stop being a caretaker/rescuer and instead to make mature choices about your caring so that you feel healthy and fulfilled and not manipulated or obligated.

Here's the problem. I don't think he wants that. I've said things like, you are responsible for your own feelings. I'm sorry you're upset but I can't just (change plans or whatever.). All it does is make him more angry and convince him how heartless and mean I am. I am looking for a way to get through to him that this is not a healthy way to be in a relationship.

[Jabiru]

Here's the problem. I don't think he wants that. I've said things like, you are responsible for your own feelings. I'm sorry you're upset but I can't just (change plans or whatever.). All it does is make him more angry and convince him how heartless and mean I am.

Setting and enforcing boundaries will make your SO mad in the short term. I don't think there's a way around it. He's an adult and needs to face the consequences of his actions. In the long term, he'll learn to control his behavior (for the most part) if you set and enforce your boundaries. Consistency is key because he'll watch if you really mean it or not. The initiator of change has to be you.

I am looking for a way to get through to him that this is not a healthy way to be in a relationship.

Logic and reasoning likely won't work because a pwBPD's feelings are reality. Remember to avoid JADE (justify, attack, defend, explain) as these seldom work when talking to a pwBPD. Actions speak louder than words. If you set and enforce your boundaries, he'll understand what behavior you will and won't accept in the relationship. It takes integrity and willpower.



As an example, my wife with BPD would keep me up late at night when she had emotional dysregulation and wanted to talk with me. I didn't have any boundaries and let her keep the conversation (or argument) continue past midnight and sometimes until 3am. As a result, I became sleep deprived and couldn't handle it anymore. I took time to think about it and gathered the courage to tell her my boundary: when I say I need to sleep then she needs to respect that, otherwise I'll go to a hotel so I can sleep. She understood what I was saying and knew I was serious. After that, we haven't had that issue anymore.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I also am often stuck in the "spending time" no-win situation. "We don't spend enough time together" sometimes changes to "you don't give me enough space" within minutes or hours. Seriously, I'll get these complaints on the same day. It's really just whatever pwBPDs current, immediate, feeling is. That's what they tend to project as the way it's always been and will be forever. Until it changes again in a few minutes.

If you think about it, most of us, on any given day, feel a little over- or under- "loved" or attended to. We regulate this on our own by spending a little more or a little less time with our partners... It's not a rage-inducing feeling. Not so with BPD.

I've also been sleep deprived - turning on the light in the middle of the night "if I can't sleep then you shouldn't either". And the opposite - recently uBPDgf went to sleep on the couch because I was reading in bed after she had fallen asleep and she "can't sleep knowing I'm awake".  So I must sleep at exactly the same time she chooses to sleep, or it's a rage scenario. It's frustrating.

Hang in there.

TFP