At the End of My Rope

[Bertha88]

I'm considering my options after 25 years of marriage.  I believe my husband has BPD.  My latest effort is to practice boundaries to see whether the relationship can adapt.  It's early in that process, but I'm pretty discouraged.

I'd like to share a very "small" incident that occurred the other night in our kitchen.  I had made a homemade barbecue sauce for some beans and pulled out the Pyrex serving dish containing the leftover sauce.  My uBPDh, our 22-year old daughter, and I were preparing to use some of the sauce on some ribs he'd just brought in from the grill.

I was planning to have 2-3 tablespoons of sauce for my serving, so grabbed a tablespoon for serving the sauce from the drawer and placed it in the bowl containing the sauce.  Before I knew what had happened (very quickly), my uBPDh pronounced my choice of spoon unfit, removed it from the sauce, and replaced it with a much smaller spoon (strangely, a long teaspoon).  I cannot remember his exact words, but it wasn't the "right" spoon.  He tossed my tablespoon into the sink and my daughter said, "Now you've got two dirty utensils!"  and I said, "Yeah!" or some such.

I recognize that his behavior and my reaction were both invalidating.  My reaction has to do with wanting to be honest; I'm tired of biting my lip and playing games, so verbalized my frustration.  I considered discussing the incident with him later, but feared bringing it up would cause a blow-up.  Typically he would justify his behavior vehemently and turn it around on me:  after all, who in their right mind would put a tablespoon into that sauce?  I was stunned by the switch and found it very odd that he was compelled to control that situation.

Thus, my problem:

I'm burned out, really burned out, from living with a person who controls things to that level.  I'll be sixty in August.  I'm done with that kind of control.  I don't see him getting better and I don't think it would be fruitful to discuss with him.  He would likely justify his choice and tell me why mine was all wrong.  With him, there's usually a right way to do things (his) and I'm always needing correction.  I realize he was treated that way as a child (I see how his parents behave) and I'm sorry for that, but he's unreachable as far as any admission that he's not normal, that he's got a problem, meanwhile alienating me & the kids with myriad events such as this, multiple times a day.  This kind of controlling permeates our relationship and has for a quarter century.  Honestly, I hate to see the guy coming.  Everyone in our home tenses up when he walks in because of the negative energy, unpredictability, controlling and critical tone, etc.  This doesn't touch the other sorts of transgressions (verbal abuse, raging, boundary-invading, substance abuse, etc.).

I'm feeling ready for relief, freedom from such domination and control, and greater joy in my life.

Questions:
1) How would you have handled this situation?  My gut says it's one of those "suck it up" situations for the non-BP, because he's unreachable.  But that's NOT a satisfactory situation for me.  I don't want to live with a person like that.
2) Is this a situation where some sort of boundary could have been invoked?  I think perhaps not because it happened so quickly.  Had he asked me about the other spoon before making the switch, I could've said, "I think the tablespoon is fine this time," or something like that, and I would've felt validated.  Instead, he (as usual) stripped me of my dignity, took over, and left me stunned.

I know it's just a spoon, and it's almost funny, except the controlling is getting old... REALLY old.

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[Jabiru]

You could leave both spoons in the bowl. Or use your own spoon instead of a serving spoon. Or let the cook be in charge of preparing everything. Or have a person preparing the main dish and the other setting the table, and each person has dominion over their assigned lot. If it means that much to you, it could be worth it to have the conversation with him. Otherwise, the patterns will repeat. If your boundary is broken, you could bring your meal to another room by yourself or go to a restaurant to eat in peace.

There will likely be retaliation when setting boundaries and enforcing them. You'll have to decide for yourself where those boundaries are and what you can do to protect yourself (physically, emotionally, financially, etc) when they're broken. I imagine it will take time to break 25 years' worth of patterns.

I find it helpful to have an hour daily of uninterrupted alone time to help me relax and think about things. Also started taking a 2-5 day solo trip a few times a year to visit places I've wanted to go or to visit family. The book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" has helped me a lot and may help you. Good luck.

[alterK]

Hi Bertha88! Isn’t there always a Last Spoon/Straw/Tantrum, whatever? Surely you know, every time you allow your H to get away with something like that, he takes it as reinforcing his behavior. Yet you are naturally reluctant to provoke the response you know you’ll get if you contradict him and stand up for your rights, even if Freedom of Choice of Spoons wasn’t something the Founding Fathers wrote into the Constitution.

I agree with a lot of what Jabiru says, through I don't know whether adding a variety of spoons to the mix will bring about a whole lot of progress.

If you want to change this, seems to me the only thing you can do is sit him down afterwards and tell him how you feel. You have doubtless tried this many times, but the key is your own attitude. You will at least get a put-down, possibly worse. Then you have to understand deep in your soul that the problem, that distress, that desperate need to control (which usually comes from fear) is his problem, not yours. This takes practice. You cannot argue this. If you aren’t lucky enough to get a decent response right away, attempting to reason with him will only cause escalation.

A partner wanting to change things is terrifying for someone like your H, so you are in a tough spot, especially since these patterns seem to have gone on for so long. Still, if you decide on your own priorities (possibly there are things you care about more than spoons) and figure out how to properly define them to him, then you put the ball into his court. You may be surprised, as your setting limits may actually make him feel more secure in the end. Maybe.

You’ve only described one incident in 25 years of a relationship, so what I’m saying may have no relevance, or may be stuff you have already gone over in your head many times. I suggest you look at the “Tools” section of this website and if you haven’t already, start reading some of the books there. If you want to change things, you need to prepare yourself. Good luck!

[Bertha88]

Hi Jabiru and alterK,

Thank you both for responding.  I knew I'd get some good ideas from this board!  I've just finished reading "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Walking on Eggshells".  I have a copy of "The High Conflict Couple" (Fruzetti) but haven't dug into it yet.  Your suggestion to read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" is a great one.  My misguided and unbalanced caretaking tendencies have kept me stuck in an emotionally abusive situation.

You both made great points about the upside of speaking up.  In this relationship I've been shockingly willing to allow him to control, manipulate, and define me... all things I'm tired of and seeking to change.  So the journey begins with a single step.

Surely you know, every time you allow your H to get away with something like that, he takes it as reinforcing his behavior. Yet you are naturally reluctant to provoke the response you know you’ll get if you contradict him and stand up for your rights, even if Freedom of Choice of Spoons wasn’t something the Founding Fathers wrote into the Constitution.

Exactly!... love the humor.    Yes, I am "naturally reluctant" because it's so often ugly, really ugly, when I speak up.

Still, I'll try talking to him about this event.  In some sense it's unfair to both of us to deny the opportunity for healthier relating, even if it's a failed experiment.  Of course I have expectations based on conditioning that it will go something like this:   I will attempt to explain how it surprised and demeaned me, but he will take it as, "I just did one more thing wrong," which he did, but which makes him the victim again, etc., etc.  Then he lashes out, I get hurt, and the cycle repeats again.

Over the years I have often felt like a firefighter with this huge hose blasting the latest emotionally incendiary events ("fires"), which leaves me angry and exhausted, playing the tapes of all his transgressions over and over in my head and even speaking them out loud to myself--anything to cope and "build my case."  For what?  He's a jerk; we know that.  A jerk with, I believe, an undiagnosed mental illness.  And there's a good person in there, a soft core that cries at church and knows on some level he's not OK, but spends his days in frantic and desperate denial.  I often think of the Queen of Hearts in Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland" screaming "Off with his head!"  My uBPDh is a little dictator, much like the Queen.  He intimidates me.

Thus, due to his denial and the pervasiveness of symptoms, I'm not sure he can hang with me taking better care of myself.  It may rock his world too much.  Or I'll fold.  It's one thing to contemplate boundaries and another to keep from being sucked back into the "web" the BPD spins.  There are so many incidents over the years when I attempted to express my feelings and was told I was in the wrong... and my response was to withdraw, tend to my wounds, and say to myself:  "maybe he has a point."  The problem is, I checked myself at the door, i.e., I never allowed myself to enter into this life with him as a viable participant who deserves her own joy, her own voice.  I gave him all the validity and left none for myself.

A partner wanting to change things is terrifying for someone like your H, so you are in a tough spot, especially since these patterns seem to have gone on for so long. Still, if you decide on your own priorities (possibly there are things you care about more than spoons) and figure out how to properly define them to him, then you put the ball into his court. You may be surprised, as your setting limits may actually make him feel more secure in the end. Maybe.

My adult children think I should leave him.  It's too early for that, but not for a sincere effort to reshape my own behavior.  I recently had the epiphany that it's no good for him, either, to have me half-heartedly in this relationship, basically hating him, yet pretending/trying to be a "good wife"--no boundaries, full of resentment.  Yuk.  No way to live for either of us.  So yeah, as you suggest alterK, it seems the supreme irony is that he would actually prefer a stronger me as a partner.  Pie in the sky, perhaps?  I wonder.

I find it helpful to have an hour daily of uninterrupted alone time to help me relax and think about things. Also started taking a 2-5 day solo trip a few times a year to visit places I've wanted to go or to visit family. The book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" has helped me a lot and may help you. Good luck.

 I too have thought about retreats alone.  That's very appealing to me.  He's fishing with friends right now 500 miles away (yay!-peace for me), so surely I can get away as you suggest, Jabiru?