I know it is a bad relationship on so many levels but it still pulls me in

[Sluggo]

I am divorced 5 years after an 18yr long marriage with a bpd spouse.  I just started casually dating...  it was a relationship that developed as our kids are in same weekly activity.

However, when we went out officially, I knew this person would never be a spouse due to so many similarities in behaviors I witnessed in my exwife.  (This is the first person I went out with since I dated my wife 20 yrs before.)   However I was very attracted physically and when she was in a good mood she is super fun to be around.  After the first official date and kiss she was wanting us to announce to our kids we were dating and she had told.me she wanted a husband.  I said no and also knew she would not be a wife for me.  However I loved the proximity of where she lived, the frequent shared activities of our kids, and that our schedules lined up nicely and had time to hang out.  However, after about 4-6 weeks of asking me and wanting me to 'go public' with kids...  we stopped any lthing physical but still hung out frequently with some sexual tension that I enjoyed. 

As a few months passed, she became more busy and we did not spend as much time together. Then one day visiting her house recentlu, I saw a coffee mug with a guys name on it and asked her, and she told me she went back with old boyfriend and is why she had been 'busy' as she was trying to put distance between us
   

I was dejected and still ruminate on this even after 4 weeks.  She was never someone I would have married and she said this guy is talking about a future with her.  So I get it.   But I still crave that relationship. 

She responds anytime I text her and said I am welcome to come over anytime as friends.  She said nothing changed between us as friends but maybe it did not change for her but mine did once I realized she was seeing someone else. 

I feel like a little kid in highschool who had his heart broke  and it concerns me that I am so seemingly immature in my emotional development that this has bothered me so much. 

Wanted to get your thoughts if you see this immaturity also.  Or is it perhaps the similar behaviors of her compared to my exbpd wife that has me fatally attracted to that feeling of this relationship.

Sluggo

[Breakingpoint13]

After your first relationship, did you seek professional help?

Have you ever looked into your own past and looked at your own selfesteem? If you haven’t heard from the past you are going to be attracted to what you always have been and re live your previous relationship through others.

You recognise this woman is want you want and there’s a reason for that. People always want what they can’t have? But remind yourself of what you do want, you are serving of that and can find that it someone else! 

[Sluggo]

Thanks Breakingpoint! 

Yes I did a lot of counseling prior to divorce and afterwards but stopped about 3 years ago..  Funny you ask, as I made last week an appointment with that same therapist ... I have my appointment Thursday.  This will be my first series of appointments to tackle this. 

I have started another couple friendships recently that could move into a dating in future which will be good to examine these friendships also.  My fist take is that these two other relationships seem much healthier . 

Thanks Sluggo

[Breakingpoint13]

Call it a bump in the road.

You’re so strong and I wish you all the success with your new therapy journey. You are so deserving of someone who is healthy and never second questions if you are worth being with or not.

[Sappho11]

You’re so strong and I wish you all the success with your new therapy journey. You are so deserving of someone who is healthy and never second questions if you are worth being with or not.

That was beautiful.

[Sluggo]

Thank you

[I Am Redeemed]

I think that maybe you are feeling some rejection, which hurts. There's also an emotional up and down from hoping in the possibility of a new relationship after a horrible experience and divorce, only to have the new relationship not work out.

I think that you showed emotional maturity in recognizing the red flags, not jumping into the relationship, respecting the fact that she is now dating someone else, and assessing the emotional response you are having. You also made a good self-care decision to start therapy again. Your T can help you navigate these feelings and how to move forward with developing healthy relationships.

I would say you have done very well.

[Sluggo]

Thanks Redeemed.

As I think about it...  I did not really date anyone very seriously until I met my wife and we jumped into something serious quickly which let to marriage.   So new to this and think you are right there is that feeling of being rejected.

Sluggo