Dealing With A Friend Who May Have BPD

[Harry Haller]

Hi. I have a friend who may have BPD. We've been friends on and off for three years. 10 months ago we moved in together. Now she's moving out. Our time together has been both joyous and tumultuous. We've shared meals and clothes but have also had terrible arguments. A lot of this is exasperated by her possible undiagnosed BPD and her alcoholism. I also have my own issues. I'm currently in therapy and realize I have a disorganized attachment style. I think our issues has made our friendship very chaotic. I have a feeling she may have BPD and thought I would reach out to this community for more information and guidance. Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Take a look at the Tools section of this website and look at the Community Built Knowledge Base. There are also videos and book recommendations on this site that can help give you an overview of BPD and how to better communicate with someone you suspect has it.

Alcohol adds on another complicating layer. It’s unfortunate, but many people with BPD use substances to try and temper their extreme emotions. In the long run, this is counterproductive since they are now dealing with addiction in addition to a personality disorder.

What are some of the issues you’re currently experiencing with your friend?

[Harry Haller]

Thanks for the response. My friend and I have been roommates for the last nine months. During this time we've grown close but we've also had many issues.

She constantly complains about exes, drinks excessively, came close to starting physical altercations, steals and has a explosive temper. She also has this constant need for attention

Sometimes in lucid moments she talks about feeling empty inside and that's she's a  bad person.

[Harry Haller]

I forgot to mention something. She is suppose to move out at the end month. This is after burning bridges with both my landlord and other roommate.

For the last few days we haven't been speaking. I stopped speaking to her after I felt like she used triangulation on me. She brought another guy over and invited me into her room while he was passed out drunk. I felt confused by this.

At one point I felt there might have been a mutual attraction but I never acted on it. Inviting me into her room at that time seemed like she trying to play us off one another.

We've have a few arguments but there have been three major ones where I stopped talking to her. During each of these times she reaches out and apologizes. She often says that she's not mad at me and that's not related to me.

Today she came home screaming and slamming doors. Mind you this is 5am. During her rant she yells "I'm out of here". Now she has a few of her items outside of her room. Our friendship if it was that may be unsalvageable.

[once removed]

At one point I felt there might have been a mutual attraction but I never acted on it.

this may be one major point of confusion.

its difficult (at best) to have a friendship, or be roommates with someone you have conflicted feelings about.

how to handle the relationship probably largely depends on working through those feelings (no rush!). if i were trying to improve a friendship, it would look very different than if im trying to improve with someone i have feelings for but want to remain friends, and either of those would look very different than if i were trying to become romantic partners with a friend.

an important point is that when it comes to having a relationship (of any kind) with someone with bpd traits, confusion is really your worst enemy. your friend, whether consciously or unconsciously, will pick up on this, and be even more confused than you are. the boundaries will become that much more blurry.

[Harry Haller]

Once Removed I think that's a good point. Once she was drunk she kind of came on to me. She asked "If we had a thing?" I was confused by this I didn't give a yes or no answer. This was very early in our living situation. I asked her the next day about it and she told me that she shouldn't had told me.

Later I mentioned that I was attracted to her and she said she wanted to be friends.Now in hindsight I think her approaching me was connected to her feeling rejected.

Her previous living situation was with a guy she had a thing with. During our time living together she had a love/hate relationship with him.

I think ever since this moment things have been very awkward between us. Sometimes our friendship feels platonic and other times it doesn't despite not having sex.

I'm not sure if our friendship can be saved. We haven't spoken in days. We've had arguments and times where we would stop speaking, but time seems different. I think this might be the end.