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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Need advice understanding what the hells happened  (Read 344 times)
Benzodreaam
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 1


« on: June 17, 2021, 01:52:13 PM »


I (23M) recently (1 month ago) ended my relationship with my (20F) quiet BPD ex girlfriend. We were together for a year and a half. The first year was amazing. I thought I’d found my person and the best friend I’d been yearning for all my life. There were issues, but I was always there for her and bent over backwards trying to get her to become the woman I thought she could be. I got her to therapy, helped her build her support network, got her feeling confident and acceptant of herself, treat her like a queen. This is the third time we’ve broke up but its definitely for good now as I decided I couldn’t deal with her behaviour any longer. Towards the end she would start arguments and storm off, S/H at the tiniest inconvenience (she started cutting once after I took a piece of pasta from her plate), get really jealous when I spent time with my friends and was just a nightmare to be around. I had to leave to save my sanity. But ... I still love her.

I spent 3 days slowly breaking up with her because if I was abrupt she would of blamed the break up on her mental health which would of been horrific for her. I even lied and said the break up was because of my issues as well to save her some shame. Despite this she is so hostile and snarly with me. We only spoke once after breaking up as I was worried about her so I called to check in and express my love. Yet she was a completely different person. She was cold, toneless and started shouting “did you just call to make me cry?” and smashing plates up (presumably so her house mates would hear and think I’m the toxic / abusive one). I decided after this that it isnt a normal break up where two people can be separated with no intentions to get back together but still hold a softness towards eachother because they were deeply in love months before (this isnt my first relationship). This is heartbreaking in itself - to know that she won’t remember the good moments and I always will.

Yet, she seems to be thriving without me. She’s beautiful and has been posting a ton of selfies with quotes like ‘living my best life’ and so on. I’m sat at home looking for jobs and trying to process what’s happened. Is she really happy without me? This makes me feel like its all my fault. I also know how she remembers her ex’s, when we first met she told me she was sexually as****ted by her ex but then a couple weeks after she told me it was a false memory. I’m worried she will be painting me as the abusive one when in reality it was her. This all makes me feel like I’m the one with issues. She’s also back friends with her friend who hated me when we were together. My ex used to say she hated this person, talk behind her back all the time and even said she fantasised about beating her ex friend up. Yet, now we’ve broke up I’m the devil and she’s back to being besties with this girl.
I cannot wrap my head around any of this. How have I been so foolish? How can my first love of been such a deception?

I have some questions.
1. is she really happier without me? Or is it facade?
2. did she ever truly love me? I mean she used to cry when she told me this and when I tried to leave she was hysterical.
3. is she purposefully manipulative? Does she know that’s she’s pitting people against eachother for her gain?
4. will she remember all the good moments? We had such an amazing time for the first year I’ll never forget how tender and raw it was, will she come to her senses ever and remember this?
5. how do I move on from this? It’s been taking up my headspace for 6 months now (we broke up around December she devalued and discarded me out of nowehere and it was traumatising)
6. If she contacts me in the future (she probably will), what do I do? I want closure but I can’t imagine she is aware enough to provide it.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2021, 10:31:09 PM »

when i came here ten years ago, i was heartbroken, and full of the same questions. im glad you found us.

if it helps, you will, eventually arrive at answers that satisfy you. i think its important to note that the answers you arrive at will affect how you successfully detach or unsuccessfully detach from this relationship, the lessons you take from it, and the lessons you want to take into future relationships. in my experience, a lot of my answers were pills that were hard to swallow at first, but that ultimately, that pain was the way through. at the same time, torturing yourself or arriving at conclusions that unnecessarily agonize your detaching process arent a helpful part of the picture either.

Excerpt
1. is she really happier without me? Or is it facade?

people post these sorts of life affirming, "inspirational" quotes, its just kind of all the rage nowadays. i dont know if shes happier without you. in an ideal world, you would both heal, and, not so much be "happy without each other", but, after grieving, move on to a happier and healthier place.

i wouldnt make much of what shes posting on social media. if it helps, i would unfollow her temporarily. the real issue is that right now, her seeming happiness feels to you like it comes at your expense. its understandable. anyone that makes the hard decision to commit to a breakup tends to be reeled back a bit when the other person appears to move on as if it meant nothing.

Excerpt
2. did she ever truly love me? I mean she used to cry when she told me this and when I tried to leave she was hysterical.

what shes doing or not doing right now has less to do with whether she loved you or not, and more to do with different ways of coping than you. it also may have to do with the fact that, as the relationship broke down, the two of you were likely on increasingly different pages. that may be why it feels like its deception. it may be hard to swallow that at some level she was detaching and grieving before it ended, but at the end of the day, you were as well. what the two of you had was real, if not, ultimately sustainable. it took me years, but i could eventually see that the writing was on the wall for the last year of my own relationship, and we were in very different places. that doesnt mean to, to me, that we didnt love each other, but that we were increasingly experiencing different things.

Excerpt
3. is she purposefully manipulative? Does she know that’s she’s pitting people against eachother for her gain?

this is probably impossible to answer without knowing her. more than being purposely manipulative, people tend to lean on what works, what gets results, and thats kind of an extension of their life experience and worldview. it also depends on specifics; how do you feel she might trying to be, or might have tried to be, manipulative?

Excerpt
4. will she remember all the good moments? We had such an amazing time for the first year I’ll never forget how tender and raw it was, will she come to her senses ever and remember this?

people with bpd traits dont have amnesia. but everyone experiences things differently. in fact, eventually, that first year, will become less significant to you than it is now. but people with bpd traits do have a tendency to see people as either all bad or all good, to lesser or greater degrees. i think what it boils down to is that shes coping with this breakup differently than you, and its really not in her interest to remember the good times, right now. the less painful that becomes, it stands to reason that she might cherish them more.

Excerpt
5. how do I move on from this? It’s been taking up my headspace for 6 months now (we broke up around December she devalued and discarded me out of nowehere and it was traumatising)

the short answer is that you work the stages of grief and the stages of detachment. you, with help, embrace and work through the difficult feelings as they come.

Excerpt
6. If she contacts me in the future (she probably will), what do I do? I want closure but I can’t imagine she is aware enough to provide it.

it depends. i think we all have a different idea of what closure means. another person (bpd or not) is not usually capable of providing that to us. thats why thousands of songs have been written about it. closure is usually what we make of it, and whether or not we achieve it depends on what we tell ourselves about what happened, how we feel about it, and what we learn from it. if she contacts you, dont push for those kinds of answers; an ex partner cannot help you heal. be cool. decide what you want to say, if anything.

you will get through this. it does get better.
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